Feeling All the Feelings

I feel unbearably full of emotion right now.  Sadness, anger, loneliness, despair.  I awoke this morning and discovered that the defendant in the Trayvon Martin case had been acquitted.  I felt upset to the point of tears.  I withheld my sorrow because I didn't know how to explain to my mother that I was crying about an injustice towards someone I don't even know, in a country that isn't even my own.  I'm not pretending to understand how his family and friends feel, nor how black people in America feel, or even black people in general.  I can't even imagine it.  But I felt the sting of injustice from across the ocean, the shock at how little the life of a black youth in America is worth and the disgust at how the law can be used to allow someone to get away with murder.

My feelings about the outcome of the case highlighted a sadness and experience that is my own.  I had no-one to talk to about it.  I made brief mention of it to my mum when it appeared on the news and she seemed to agree with my comments, but that was it.  I started to feel incredibly alone, knowing that there was literally no-one that I have these sort of conversations with and could go to after an event like this to say, "Did you hear what happened?  What in the fuck...?" and they would know exactly where I was coming from.  I often feel like a odd bod.  But the instances in which I feel that way seem to be becoming more frequent.  There's an overwhelming sense of loneliness in feeling like you are without someone who understands your point of view, who can relate to your experiences and who doesn't dismiss the things you feel strongly about.  The last time I felt this way, I wrote about it on Tumblr and received an anonymous comment telling me to not "let them grind your gears."  So aside from feeling legitimate anger about subtle racist attitudes, then loneliness from having no-one who understood my anger, my feelings were dismissed in the place that is sometimes my only outlet for such feelings.  I find it incredibly frustrating.

In the past, I have often avoided debate and discussion in anything more than a casual setting.  I prefer to avoid situations that rouse my anger, just for reasons of my health and sanity.  Lately, I can't always avoid such things, or just generally feel too much and find that the emotions overcome me, to the point of it affecting me in a personal way, even if it is an issue that hasn't even affected me personally.  Trying to talk to someone about such things and having them respond apathetically, or with an opposing view, or being dismissive about how I feel (not necessarily in a malicious way, but in an "I don't think it's that big a deal" way) genuinely makes me despair of living.  A Facebook friend made comments supporting George Zimmerman's actions as 'self defence' and I felt a little of my faith in humanity drain away.  One of her friends responded to the train of comments by suggesting that Trayvon Martin should have stayed indoors doing something more "responsible" and then none of this would have happened.  I felt so angry I could have choked.  I can't deal with my emotions sufficiently at the moment.  I have no outlet for releasing them that results in me feeling reassured or validated.  I write things down to try and siphon the thoughts from my mind so that I can feel some peace, but the anger and frustration still bubbles up inside.

In life, you can't underestimate the benefit of someone telling you that your feelings are justified, that it is okay to feel the way you do, that your viewpoint is valid, that you are not alone in how you feel.  I want to meet that person who is my confidant, my best friend, my support, my cheerleader, my lover, my other half, my sounding board.  And in some ways I also hate myself for wanting that so desperately.  I guess I'd feel better meeting that person, so they could say, "I know exactly how you feel.  I've been looking for you, too."  And so, the cycle continues.

More Thoughts

• If I can get away with just wearing tinted moisturiser on my face, it's a good skin day.
• It seems like I dream of one or more of my exes at least once a week at the moment, but I have no idea why.
• When I was in the waiting room at the doctor's surgery yesterday, I had to hold back what was about to turn into a flood of tears.  Bear in mind that I actually really like my doctor and you'll get an idea of how anxious even routine appointments and suchlike (especially about my health) make me feel.
• It seems that people who put themselves first and are a little more self-centred go places in life, whereas some people who are selfless and giving remain stuck (probably busy putting others first).
• Fire brigade uniforms really do make even average looking men look kinda hot.  
• The appearance of a fire engine really does make even middle-aged and older women get all pervy and excitable.
• My doctor asked me if I "want to get better".  I don't even know where to begin with expressing how I feel about that question.
• I like girls, have girl friends and enjoy spending time with them, but I definitely enjoy being around boys, even if (sometimes particularly so) I am the only girl.  They can be less complicated, less needy and sometimes more interesting to talk to.  Or maybe I just speak to the wrong girls...
• I miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything.
• There was an offer on coffee at the supermarket last week and they were giving out free samples to drink.  I had some and decided to buy a pack as it was really nice.  The other day I decided to make a cup and for a split second I was going to ask my Dad if he would also like one (as he used to like a coffee now and then).  It's moments like that where sadness creeps up on me unexpectedly.
• I find myself hating the world around me more and more and getting angry more often about how awful so many things are.
• I feel low, demotivated and quite useless at the moment.  But bizarrely, I also feel sort of hopeful and content about things.  That about sums up my internal conflict of optimist trapped in a pessimist's body.

Current Thoughts and Realisations

• If you have relationship deal-breakers, you should talk about them as early as possible into the relationship.  It just causes hurt you could have avoided otherwise.
• I believe that there are some things that were 'meant to be', in the context that I believe God has a perfect plan for every individual's life.  However, I believe that our freedom of personal choice can overrule this plan and this can cause a lot of avoidable heartache.  I do think we can get back on track despite our deviations, but it might never be quite what was planned - a plan B, if you will.
• I read an article Stephen Fry wrote recently about loneliness and I agree that it is the worst thing in the world.  Being without a 'romantic' companion (or however else you want to describe a relationship that is more intimate than friendship) can be very lonely, but I believe feeling that you are without a genuine friend who understands you and is truly there for you is worse.
• Some people will drag you into their drama whether you want to be involved or not.
• There will always be people who will never give 100% in a relationship.
• I require regular alone time in order to do nothing without being made to feel guilty about it.
• Perhaps emotional intelligence can be taught, but the person actually has to want to learn.
• eBay will forever be my downfall.
• I am like my mother in ways I'm not always sure are positive, but the only time she ever tells me I am like my father is in a negative way.
• Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how my mum would react to my death and my uncertainty on whether God would forgive me for suicide.
• I can actually shake off quite a lot of things and not take them to heart; I don't tend to keep grudges for petty reasons and am willing to work towards reconciliation in most circumstances when a person is genuinely apologetic and desiring of it, but if you really hurt me - especially when I have always gone out of my way to give my best for you - you're going to have to work damn hard to get my trust back.
• If you think you should apologise for something, you should do so regardless of whether the other person is ready to engage with you or not.  When/if the other person is willing to accept or even acknowledge the apology is not up to you and cannot be forced.  It once took a couple of years after the time I apologised before I actually got some acknowledgement from the other person, but I never regretted the apology. 
• Arrested Development is one of the few things giving me laughs lately.
• I really am a clown at heart, but only those very close to me or who I feel most comfortable with will ever see that side of me completely uncensored.
• My recent dreams have involved my dad, virtually all of my exes and me dying my hair blonde (with questionable results).
• There are a few precious souls out there who I will always cherish.  But that list is extremely short.
• There are a few men out there who I genuinely and whole-heartedly respect.  That list is also extremely short.
• I will forever think of a certain someone as my 'one who got away' and until I have full closure or find the right person for me (neither of which I am certain I will get), that will haunt me.
• Flies are annoying and stupid.
• I don't currently have the capability to multi-task when at least one of the tasks involves actual concentration or real cognitive engagement.
• If I had the means to just disappear and go AWOL to live another life, I would.
• Recently, I unexpectedly discovered I was someone's first love.  I wasn't entirely sure how to react to that, seeing as he wasn't mine.  When I thought about it, I wasn't completely sure who was.
• I also discovered that someone who knew me when I was a child still has a book of poems that I wrote when I was a child and still occasionally reads them.  That made me smile.
• The older I get, the more the thought of raising children terrifies me.
• I still haven't found a reason for me living, but I'm hoping there is one and that I will find it soon.  The longer I live without one, the less I want to live. 
• People often tell me that they would "never have guessed" I'm suffering from depression.  Of course they wouldn't.  That's part of the fucked-up stigma and symptoms of mental illness.  But my ability to enjoy something/have fun and my inner sadness/state of mind aren't always inextricably linked.
• A career and a calling are two completely different things.

Space

You granted me space and time,
As if those were yours to give
And I was the one who needed them.
Your worlds revolve around you
And you like those who follow
The predictable paths, stuck
In the same orbit that won't
Cross paths to interfere with
Yours, the way we asteroids
And comets do.  I have been
The moon that predictably
Circled, faithfully in tune
With your patterns, even when
The repetition started
To grate in its tedium.
Now my instability
Impedes your progress to stay
On course, unchallenged and so
Unaltered.  This galaxy
Is not vast enough for the
Both of us, else I pull you
Into the black hole of my
Despair and consume you whole.
Yet in truth, although your path
Is set, you delight not in
Its certainty, secretly
Hoping a planetary
Body will cause disruption
To your cycle of sameness.
This celestial being,
Moon, or comet, or black hole,
Will forever emit more
Light and energy than you.
The space between us is best,
For this star is on the verge
Of turning supernova
And what will be born from this
Is too beautiful to bear.

Happy :)

Friday Fill-Ins #91

1. Right now I'm a bit lost and feeling like I'm stuck while everyone else strides ahead.  But I also know that God has much to teach me about faith.
2. You'd have to ask those who know me what characteristic is my well known quirk.
3. Are you happy?
4. Think first, then act!
5. That's why this lady is a tramp.
6. Modern Family is a recent discovery for me, but now is one of my favorite tv shows ever!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, despite having rather a long nap today, tomorrow my plans include watching some sermons online and hopefully having Mum over for a trip to the park and Sunday, I want to feel a bit more motivated so that I can hopefully make a start on packing!

A few thoughts

I am dreadfully unhappy at the moment and life is one long never-ending cycle of drudgery.

On the other hand, I love the fragments of beauty that I manage to find amidst the wreckage that I exist in.  I adore the positive connections I make, however tiny, however fleeting, with nice people.

I am unbearably lonely at times.  I am a lover.  My heart is too big to cope without someone to love.  It seems to fill to bursting with the desire to care for, to love and to nurture another.  Without that, I feel like I am not able to fully be myself.

On the other hand, I am enjoying having alone time.  I love the lack of responsibility or obligation to another person.  I like that my time is my own and I can fill it with whatever activity (or lack of it) that I please.  I love the unending possibilities for romance, for meeting someone.  The potential for feeling electricity with someone who I click with on first meeting.

I miss lots of past loves.  I don’t even know for sure what it is about them that I miss.  Maybe my favourite parts of each of them, that if combined might just possibly make someone with the capacity to love me in the way that I need.  Maybe what I miss most is the parts of me that they took with them when they left.  The parts of me that died or disappeared during the heartache that ensued when the relationships fell apart.  The parts of me that were young, naive, hopeful and open, rather than the aged, cynical, pessimistic and guarded parts they have become.  I miss feeling happy.  I miss feeling.

A friend I was fucking recently would sometimes get weirdly territorial when I stayed over (or even when I was just there for the evening) and act like a real dickhead towards me.  When I later tried to explain how it made me feel, he mockingly referred to me as a “delicate flower.”  I hung up in anger and later told him I didn’t need his patronising shit when he couldn’t even cope with having someone around for a few hours.  He told me he “heard” me.  I haven’t contacted him since. But he hit the crux of my problem.

An old sort-of boyfriend who in some ways never really was (who I often feel I was meant to end up with, but who also gave me my abandonment issues) once told me that he had finally accepted that he was an incredibly emotional person and that it wasn’t a bad thing.  It was how God made him and he was that way for a purpose.  But it also meant that he had to be protective of his heart, because that openness and emotional sensitivity left him vulnerable to immense heartache.  He could see the same qualities in me, too (the heartache he then caused me is deliciously ironic of course).  I’ve since learned to be more accepting of my emotional and sensitive nature and see it as a strength of sorts.  But not everyone can deal with the love that a huge heart has to give. And I am still dealing with the fallout of failed relationships that left my heart empty because the other person would willingly take without knowing how to give back.

I am on the verge of quitting or losing my job.  I have debts that I can barely pay while getting paid, so being unemployed is not a viable financial option.  We are in the process of being evicted from our home.  We may be able to stay, but it’s really in God’s hands.  Legally I don’t think we have much of a claim to do so.  My depression is consuming my life and existing is such a struggle at times that I often wonder how much fight I have left in me.  I feel directionless and empty, like fog lingering stagnant in one place, while the world goes on around, about and through me.  But weirdly, as I write this, I feel the tiniest glimmer of hope, just enough to hang on until the tomorrow I have been delaying facing.

Since my Dad passed away, I’ve realised more acutely that I inherited my soft heart from him.  He wasn’t overly emotional, at least not explicitly.  But he had the kindest heart of anyone I know.  And when he died, all anyone said about him was that he was a genuine, nice and truly lovely man.  And I think that’s a pretty cool legacy.

My kindness is not weakness.  My heart is strong.

Do you hear me?  My heart is STRONG.

*Generic 'Life is Crap' blog post title here*

And so…another post about how my life is stagnant and how I need to make a change.  Another post about what I need to change, what my plans are and how I will fulfil them.  I am a broken record, an mp3 file stuck on one-track repeat.  I am exactly the kind of person I am irritated by.  Someone who complains, but doesn’t go the extra step of working to correct things.  Someone who talks a lot, but does little.  All chat and no action.  If I was a boy, I would probably be writing me off as someone who was going nowhere.  Ha, who am I kidding, I’d probably be hanging around like a bad smell trying to ’fix’ me.

I spent half of 2012 on sick leave.  Other than a couple of weeks before the Christmas break, I was on sick leave for the last 4 months of the year.  I managed to return before Christmas and for a week in January, then relapsed somewhat.  I am back at work today, for the first time in just over 2 weeks.  I felt embarrassingly accomplished for having made it into work today.  As I write this, I feel extremely tired, despite having only worked for approximately 4 hours.  Within an hour or two of being at work, I had already remembered why I don’t enjoy my job.

I can undertake certain steps to try to keep my depression at bay, or at least make it manageable so that I can do the things necessary to get by in life (work, do my chores, etc.).  The problem is that with virtually any illness, you can fight it if you put your mind to it.  [I should clarify this by saying that I don’t necessarily mean you can cure yourself of an illness just by positive thinking, but it certainly helps your healing and even if your situation was terminal, it helps your existence be an enjoyable one for both you and others.]  The problem with mental illnesses is that the part of you that is most important for healing is the very part of you that is compromised.  You can’t fight for your life when you don’t feel like your life is worth living, like you don’t have anything to live for.  When you are so deep in the depths of despondency and despair that getting out of bed, getting washed and dressed, or even eating all feels like a waste of time, or that it requires a superhuman amount of energy.  I am slowly learning what things make me feel better and what things I should do to pull myself up out of the depths, but whether I can manage them is a little bit hit and miss.

Lately, loneliness has taken hold of me.  My feelings of loneliness are exacerbated by my depression and vice versa.  I often miss having Samson around in a boyfriend capacity, knowing that he was a huge support to me and also a motivation to get up, be positive and do things.  I read a quote recently that said, “You shouldn’t be in a relationship for the very reason that you need to be.”  It hit me where it hurts.   I feel the need to be in a relationship because I need someone to lean on, and that’s probably not the best reason.  I also read, “You feel most lonely when you most need to be alone.”  Also painfully true.  This is character-building time for me and it’s painful.  I like having someone else to live for, someone whose love and presence in my life inspires and motivates me.  But that can be a precarious existence.  “Never allow your happiness to depend on something you can lose.”  Yet another quote that sums up my situation.  However, if I am meant to learn to be happy by myself and for myself, my happiness relies on me.  And I have lost who I am.  You can lose your mind, but I doubt the author of the quote was thinking of this when they said that.  Either way, getting into a relationship because of loneliness or desperation is not a good reason and so I am trying to embrace my singlehood as time to destroy and rebuild, time to reboot, restart and come back stronger.

With these elements – health and relationships – in mind, it falls again to my work life as the sole remaining factor I have influence over.  And that is what I must change.  I have been thinking again about undertaking a degree in children’s nursing.  This past week, I also looked into midwifery, after a news report on the current shortage of midwives in the UK.  I discussed it with The Mrs, who was great with her advice as usual.  And for the first time, I mentioned my plans to my Mum.  She seemed a little surprised, but was supportive.  Her advice was to go for nursing as it is a broader option that midwifery and allows for more opportunities.  That was my gut feeling.  But I have decided I will apply to universities that offer both courses, in case I start nursing and find it isn’t for me. 

A huge part of my depression is not feeling like I have anything to live for – that I’m not doing anything worthwhile with my life, that my work is not fulfilling and saps all my energy so that I have nothing left to use on the things I enjoy outside of work, like my creative outlets.  Over the past couple of weeks I was feeling quite suicidal at times.  I don’t want to kill myself.  I often feel that I don’t want to exist, but it’s more the feeling of being able to crawl under a rock and hide, or just go to sleep and not have to deal with life.  I don’t usually desire the permanency of suicide, but the thoughts this time, however fleeting, were more frequent.  Something HAS to change and the only significant thing that is currently feeding into my unwell mental state that I can make a real change to right now is work.  I am going to take the plunge, September 2014 intake.  My original plan had been to start the course this year.  But I think 18 months will be a better amount of time to pay off my debts, try to get more stable in terms of my mental health, get my driving license and start saving up so that I have a little extra money besides the NHS bursary to rely on when I start my course.  It will also give me time to undertake some work experience placements before the course, which aren’t necessary as such, but will get me points at interview and will also give me an idea of the hospital environment. 

My only reservation with starting next year instead of this year, is that 18 months could be a long time to maintain my motivation.  With that in mind, I am going to try and apply as soon as I can, but deferring my place until 2014.  That way, if I can secure a place on the course, I will have something definite to work towards.  At the moment, it’s all just pipe dreams.  But when I have my place confirmed, I can motivate myself with only having X amount of time left to tolerate this job.  Or I could apply for another job, it wouldn’t really matter, I wouldn’t need to tell anyone of my future plans.  Either way, getting the application done will be the first real step towards making a necessary life change.  It’s all just pie in the sky until then.

So there.  Life is stagnant, it must change and I am going to do something about it.  And this time I WILL.  And I have written it down to hold myself accountable for it.

Friday Fill-Ins #87-90

And...here we go!

1. One time, I would like be someone's first choice.
2. Holding onto fond memories of my Dad is something that makes me smile.
3. Seven words I love: "I love you for who you are."
4. If it's going to snow; I wish it would really snow!
5. I looked out the window today and saw that most of the recent snow had melted away.
6. You can open your mouth and speak and that's saying something!

7. Ahhhh Bisto.
8. This year I need to start preparing my mind and habits for a change of career...into nursing!
9. Creating a better world always starts with you.
10. Some time this year, The Mrs and I are going to Bath for a weekend of pampering and relaxation.
11. Kick start other people's motivation with a kick and you'll probably lose friends.
12. Sometimes I long for the end of the world so that all this suffering can end.  But I know that God does everything in His own time: "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." [2 Peter 3:9].

13. Let me entertain you/be your fantasy/love you/Google that.
14. As much as you can, be patient with and kind to other people.  Everyone is going through their own life struggles and a kind word can do more to help than you know.
15. Listen here: you are precious!
16. It annoys me how many people are intent on forcing their opinions about particular issues on other people, when they actually have no idea what they are talking about!
17. When I was younger, I thought that by this age I would be settled financially and career-wise, married and a parent.  I am none of those things.
18. Sometimes, all you can do in the face of adversity is laugh!

19. Wake up it's a beautiful morning, the sun shining for your eyes.  Wake up, it's so beautiful, for what could be the very last time.

20. I feel very grateful to have had a good childhood and be able to look back fondly on all the fun we had.
21. Every picture tells a story, so they say.
22. When I feel low, I become a little too quiet.
23. Stay with what you love and enjoy.
24. I am pretty fabulous in a thousand ways.

25. Wow, this debt thing is getting ridiculous.
26. My head is seemingly devoid of useful information, but full of pointless trivia.
27. Finally, I'm almost at the point where I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
28. Being single is just going to have to be all right with me.
29. Sweet or savory: I'll take both, thanks for offering.
30. Lamentations 3:22-23 tells us that God's compassions do not fail; every morning they are new.
31. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet evening, tomorrow my plans include a quiet Sabbath day, then off to see Django Unchained with Samsonand Sunday, I want to list lots of stuff on eBay and try to organise my wardrobe!

 Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the icon to play along!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...?

This Christmas is a very odd one.  It's the first one without Dad.  It has crept up on me because I only went back to work after about four months on sick leave two weeks before, so hadn't been out and about noticing all the Christmas lights, decorations and build-up begin.

On Saturday, Mum, Big Sis, Bro-in-Law and I went to a Christmas sing-a-long concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I was feeling decidedly unfestive when we arrived.  But it ended up being good fun and made me feel a little bit more Christmassy than I had been.  Mum had a voucher for dinner at the Hilton, so we went there afterwards and had a nice dinner in the Hawaiian-themed restaurant.  The fruit cocktails were lovely, I would  love to go there another time and have some of the rum ones!  After the meal, we went home and I threw some stuff into a bag so I could go back with Mum to hers.  That's when I found out that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't going to Mum's for Christmas.

My family has never made a huge fuss over Christmas, but we've always at least had a gathering and lunch or dinner together.  It's become notably less and less important in recent years, which I think is a shame.  I really dislike how commercial Christmas has become and how irrelevant half of the things people worry about are.  But I like the fact that we have one day where everything stops, shops are closed and people are encouraged to get together, spend time in each other's company, watch old films and fun TV, have a nice meal as a family/group and buy each other gifts if they so wish to.  This year, Mum said that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't obliged to come, partly because Big Sis has been spending time with Mum and they also went away to Lanzarote for a week a couple of weeks ago, and she thought she needed to spend some time with her husband!  That's the benefit of being legally bound to another.  Us singletons don't get a free pass to spend time alone, or with friends.

Basically, today has been a non-day, highlighted by the fact that everyone else is talking about their gatherings and Christmas dinners and presents and so on.  Today I have sat on the sofa since 11am, watching TV.  Mum has been sat in the armchair next to me doing the same.  I've intermittently been on my laptop, her on her iPad.  We haven't spoken all that much.  We don't often want to watch the same things, although I don't mind some of the things she puts on.  I felt like going upstairs to read or watch things online, but it felt a bit rude.  There were no presents, no special meal.  There are no Christmas decorations up.  Everything just feels empty and dead.  Now and then either or both of us would be crying, but not really acknowledging it in the other person.

I have retreated into my shell again, not talking to people because it's easier to hold things in and deal with them on my own than open up and not be understood.  Mum frequently makes comments about losing a spouse being much worse and more intense than losing a parent.  While I agree that is true to a degree, it feels like she has a monopoly on grief.  Every now and then she says the same things about how she feels, her own guilt, her own 'if onlys', etc.  I want to listen and reassure her, but it feels like a broken record.  I don't have enough emotional energy of my own to tell her it's OK.  Going over what we could have done differently doesn't help me in my own grieving process.  It's personal to her, as a wife, as a nurse, as my Dad's full-time carer for 18 months.  I want to remember the positive things about my Dad, the good memories I have.  Mum says she keeps having to remember how he was at the end, almost to reassure her that it was the right time for him to die, that he was unwell, weak and uncomfortable.  I had already accepted that my Dad was going to die.  His existence as a fraction of the human being he was made me feel uncomfortable and upset.  It still hurt so much when he died, but I can't deny the part of me that was relieved that his suffering and also my Mum's non-stop effort with caring had come to an end.  Part of my Mum's grief is occasionally going over what more she could have done, which is very specific to her.  I can't imagine dealing with the loss of someone who was your companion for 31 years.  But I know what it's like to lose my father of 30 years and it's painful.  Hypothetically, my Mum could find another companion.  But I can't find a new father.  I may find a new father figure, I may have a father-in-law some day, but the father who raised me, whose DNA makes up my own, whose character and influence moulded me into who I am today, that can't be replaced.

I feel like now my Dad has gone, I've lost an ally.  The family dynamic has changed.  My Mum and Big Sis have got more and more alike in recent years.  It's only now that Dad has passed away that I feel like a third wheel at times.  I liked similar things to my Dad.  I think I'm probably a bit more cynical, more realistic/negative, less religious, less strong in faith - all things my Dad was in some ways.  I frequently feel like I'm the odd one out in my family now.  It's something I never expected, probably because I never noticed it before, because Dad was always there to balance things out.

Today, I've felt more and more sad as the day has gone on.  It's the first time since immediately after my Dad died that I've really felt like crying and have done so.  I've felt pangs of jealousy at people who are having traditional Christmas family get-togethers.  I've felt resentful of people who are moaning about things they could probably be a little more grateful for.  I've felt isolated, lonely and misunderstood.  I've felt loss twice over - the loss of my Dad, and the loss of Samson, who I could always go to when I felt sad, even if I didn't know the reason.  I've felt lost and even more sad because finding that kind of understanding in a person is relatively uncommon.  Building up that sort of trust, where I'd feel comfortable enough to talk to someone when I feel low, takes time.  I fear I won't find it again.  Or more likely, that I won't trust enough again to open up sufficiently to develop that kind of relationship.  It just feels like no-one understands.  I have hardly any appetite at the moment.  I'm having one meal and a snack a day.  I have no money again and only got paid five days ago.  There just never seems to be an end to this perpetual cycle of sadness at the moment.

It feels like as I get older, birthdays and Christmas just highlight all my sadness even more.  I think this is part of why I want to settle down, find someone who is my partner for life, who is with me against the world, and start my own family.  So I can start my own traditions, have my own celebrations, do things in a way that will make me happy.  I'm fed up of being the reliable, go-to person for my family to rely on to go along with what they want, because I'm too emotionally retarded to be able to say no.  I'm fed up of being someone who people come to for advice, when they are feeling down or in need of reassurance, when they need someone to be there, but not being able to support me in my own times of sadness.  This is what happens when you get used to holding your own feelings back and putting on your 'strong' face for the world.  Even those closest to you can't tell the difference between the mask and your real face anymore.  You can't let the barriers down even when you want to.

What I'm currently feeling, although perhaps not actually putting into practice...

"Give me memories, not things; experiences, not objects."

In Loving Memory

                      Derek Reeves

         10.11.1925 - 05.11.2012