Girls and Boys: Both Weird

"Can I verify something with you?" asked Gannet, upon entering the kitchen.

"OK," I answered, knowing that it was likely to be something non-work related and possibly something rude or unusual. I was at the sink washing my mugs (Tip: don't leave a mug you've had cup-a-soup in overnight. The soup turns to concrete).

"Is it weird being a girl?"

Hmm, I was right. Wasn't really expecting that one.

"Yes," I replied, "But I have no other frame of reference," I paused, "Never having been a boy - just in case you were wondering. In what sense do you mean?"

"Well," Gannet said, pouring his cold tea into the sink, "I witnessed something earlier. There was a group of girls over there and suddenly one of them started going 'Whoooooooo!'"

[cue rather camp impression of the girl waving her arms close to her chest in strained excitement, while making excited whoop and ooh-ing noises]

"...and then the others around her started going 'Whooooooooo!'"

[cue repeat of impression]

"...and all sort of clucking around her. Then Pix [a lady] came over and asked what was going on, looked over at them and did this," he said, miming having a big pregnant tummy, "And the other girl nodded. I just thought, it must be quite weird being a girl."

I was momentarily stuck for something to say. "It is quite weird being a girl, but I'm not sure quite how to explain that reaction. Maybe that stage hasn't quite hit me yet."

"I think they were your age," he said, even more puzzled. "And one of them was saying, 'Oh, I'm so emotional, I might cry.'"

I had to laugh. "I don't really know what that's about. But maybe I'm doing a disservice to my kind."

"No, I prefer girls like you," said Gannet, which made me feel a bit shy for a second, but later made me wonder why all the guys I know say they want a girl who is girly in the way she dresses and is homely, etc. but also like the girl to not be quite as girly when it comes to sports, video games, action films, drinking, etc. Or maybe that's just my perception. Or maybe I just know the wrong guys.

"Well that's good to know," I finally replied, "But then, I wanted to stay up last night to watch Rocky, so I'm not really doing much to prove myself otherwise, am I?"

He laughed, "What, Rocky, the first one?" and we entered into a discussion about which ones we had seen.

"I saw Rambo for the first time the other night," I said proudly.

"What, First Blood?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"You know, I've never seen that." I felt a little pleased with myself for a second. It's very rare that someone who is into films and books and popular culture (or to be honest pretty much anyone who isn't either anti-film or very religious) hasn't seen a well-known film that I have. This virtually never happens. "I know the later ones get a bit ridiculous, like one man against Afghanistan, but I've heard the first one is meant to be an actual decent film."

"Yeah, it was," I agreed, "I haven't seen any of the others, but I really liked it, thought it was pretty good. So, is it weird being a boy?" I asked, turning the original question back.

"Well yeah, I suppose it's a bit weird. Would you like to be a boy?"

"I would," I answered, perhaps a little too quickly, sadly having thought about this before. "I would like to, just for a bit, to see what it's like. But I'd probably be quite a bad boy."

"What do you mean?" he asked, laughing, "Like wearing make-up and stuff?"

It wasn't quite what I'd had in mind, but I played along. "Yeah," I said, "and wearing dresses and stuff. And being a cage-fighter." He laughed at me. "I'd be a cross-dressing cage-fighter like Alex Reid. I'd take it to extremes."

We were still laughing as we went back to our respective desks, me finding it endearing that he has these random thoughts, but also thinking that my personal conflict between the natural, common instincts of girliness and my dislike of many aspects of it has been something I've struggled with since my teens.

I thought about my Mum and how she is attractive and feminine, but isn't overly girlie in her characteristics. She is a tough cookie. She rarely cries, especially not in front of people outside her immediate family. She doesn't pander. She is fiercely independent, never ever has the attitude that you can't do certain things if you are a woman. She does gardening, DIY - made me a built-in bookcase for my room when I was about 16. She isn't very soppy or sentimental. She was the law in our childhood household.

I suppose I have tried to (or felt like I should) emulate lots of her characteristics, which all seemed to be strengths. I've felt less good when I've felt vulnerable, emotional, sensitive or weak, at times when it seemed like I should be the opposite. But I'm learning to embrace my softer side, realising that it can co-exist alongside any tougher characteristics without being a complete contradiction. Bizarrely, I am also a traditionalist in many ways when it comes to gender, but perhaps only in my own preferences rather than as a prescription for anyone else. In fact, my notion of 'traditional' is probably not traditional in itself. Either way, my conclusion? It is weird to be a girl, but perhaps only marginally more so (if at all) than it is to be a boy. It's weird being human.

Starting, Finishing and Habit Making

I have about 10 draft posts sitting unfinished in my post list since the start of the year. I have a habit of starting them and then not getting around to finishing them. Probably because I tend to blog intermittently and so when I do, I am often recapping more than one event/day/feeling and it ends up being a lengthy piece. Writing a while after the event also means that some details are a little hazy, or the emotions involved aren't so present, so the writing isn't quite as pertinent as perhaps it would be if I wrote about something immediately after it happened, or at least while it was still fresh in my mind.

In any case, I am trying to finish what I can, post what is still worth posting and then try to write more regularly (and perhaps concisely). I know, I say this a lot. I frequently make plans or resolutions and have eureka moments. They often tend to fade along with my motivation, enthusiasm and discipline. But I was recently told that it takes 21 consecutive days of doing a particular thing to make it a habit, so if I can post even something little each day for 21 days, perhaps a good habit will be formed. I wonder if by the same token, not doing something for 21 consecutive days is enough to break a habit? If so, I am going to need to not spend money on clothes/shoes/jewellery/books/DVDs or anything other item that I can live without, for the next 3 weeks. Coincidentally, the end of that 3 weeks coincides with my next payday, which is just as well, seeing as I don't really have any money until then. We'll see. It might be a little ambitious, but even if I make it a week, it will be something.

So, here's to breaking old bad habits and making good new ones.

Springing Forward (but sometimes Falling Back)

The clocks went forward during the wee hours of Sunday morning. For a change, I barely noticed the loss of an hour, which usually peeves me for a good couple of weeks before and after. I only noticed it when I got home at about 5pm on Sunday and realised the sun was still out in force, when it would normally be sinking below the houses nearby.

Work is dead at the moment. I think I had dealt with all the new requests/enquiries we’d received by about 10.40. I got in at 10.05. :o/

I’ve realised more and more that a busy work environment is probably better for me. I can have a tendency to slack off when I get bored, and slow days of no action just make it worse. Plus, I have quite a keen brain (if I do say so myself), in that it responds well to stimulation. I hardly feel like I’m using it of late and can feel myself becoming stupider as the weeks go by.

In an attempt to make a positive step towards improving my work life, I saw an internal vacancy in the Communications department, applied for it and got an interview. I was really excited by the job description. It was a sideways move, but one that would have been a good one to make to get my foot in the door of that line of work. I am creative in nature and the job had much more scope for using those skills.

I felt a little anxious about the interview (still scarred by a horrible one I had a couple of years ago) but tried to prepare as best I could and felt fairly positive when it came around. It didn’t go too badly, although I didn’t do quite as well overall as I had wanted to, and in hindsight kept thinking of things I could have said/done better, which always seems to happen without fail. I was told the outcome less than a week later: I didn’t get it, but the feedback they gave me was very positive. They said I interviewed well, came across very naturally and gave good examples, but that they had another candidate who met the person specification a little more closely. To be honest, getting good feedback was almost as important to me as getting the job itself. They also told me that they had another vacancy that would be coming up in the next few weeks and told me to keep an eye out for it. It would be at a higher grade, which is a plus. She told me she would drop me an email when the advert was out. That all seemed quite positive and reassuring, so all in all I didn’t feel too disheartened.

I know that there are some things outside of my power, but the things that are making me unhappy but are within my power to change are things that I am trying to work on. It’s just so frustrating that the feelings come and go. I will have days like today, when I feel proactive and want to make changes and feel positive about doing so, and then days when I barely feel like getting out of bed, everything seems insurmountable and I can’t shake off the negativity.

Spring is always my favourite season, or at least the change from Winter into Spring is my favourite seasonal transition. It always feels hopeful, like change and growth is possible, even inevitable. The days get longer and lighter and things don’t seem quite so dim anymore. I just want to harness that energy and that feeling and make use of it. Unfortunately, the change in seasons doesn’t automatically or permanently reflect in my emotions. I do start to feel more hopeful and motivated to make the changes that I need to, but the dark days do still arise and sometimes last long enough to quell my Springtime enthusiasm. But I’m still, as ever, workinonit. I am trying to ignore my inner perfectionist and remember that progress may be slow and steady and just because I don’t change everything I want to immediately, or only make small steps, or have the odd slip back, it doesn’t mean I have completely failed. My good friend KM told me that “You can be strong and vulnerable at the same time.” I am definitely a bit of both, but here’s hoping a bit of sunshine will go a long way in making my strong side stronger.

Friday Fill-In #51

And...here we go!

1. Why does it take losing something to realise how much you valued it?

2. Everyone is equal, only some are more equal than others.

3. My favorite breakfast includes a cup of tea. That's a given. But the best breakfast involves loads of different things, is eaten at a leisurely pace and accompanied with good conversation.

4. For One More Day by Mitch Albom was the last book I read this week.

5. I am SO glad there are only 3 weeks till the Easter break.

6. Sedation would make me feel better right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sleep, tomorrow my plans include avoiding therapy and Sunday, I want to Spring clean my room...but then, I say that every weekend and in every season.