Friday Fill-In #6

1. My favorite food seasoning is hmm...not sure. I don't like strong seasoning too much, I have a delicate palette! :o) You can't beat a bit of freshly ground black pepper.
2. When someone special to me said today, "You're not in this alone", it was music to my ears.
3. Lucky is a state of mind.
4. Loyalty is something I take very seriously.
5. Many people could probably do with a listening ear and a big hug.
6. A pair of shoes I probably didn't really need (or could afford) was the last thing I bought at the store.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to my bed, tomorrow my plans include fellowship and forgetting about work and Sunday, I want to get up early, go to work to sort out my new desk, maybe see a friend, maybe go to the gym and apply for some jobs (although how much of this I'll achieve I don't yet know)!

Friday Fill-In #5

1. Right now, I'm feeling absolutely shattered and a tiny bit sad.
2. 3,000 miles away is where I want to be.
3. How does one stay positive in a sea of negativity?
4. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. Thank God He keeps me on track.
5. Please don't tell me what to do.
6. Singing fills me with joy.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling out with the fam, tomorrow my plans include singing at our visitors' day and at a friend's baptism and Sunday, I want to feel refreshed after my extra hour of sleep - daylight saving time, baby!

Seasonal celebrations

There have been lots of posts floating around Bloggertown of late, describing autumnal rituals, activities and delights, like pumpkin picking, crunching leaves under the feet on a Sunday walk in the park, making hearty warming soups on a cold day or curling up by the fire wearing woolly socks. This autumn has been a nice one so far. After a disappointing summer (understatement!), October has exceeded expectations for me, giving us crisp, colder-than-average days, warmed with blazing sunshine against cornflower-blue skies. The trees have seemed to be even lovelier than usual too, with leaves in bright reds and oranges, mustard yellows and deep greens, sometimes all on the same tree. Perhaps the sunshine has highlighted the different hues to a greater degree, drawing my attention to their various complementary tones.

It may just be my perception, but it seems that in the US there are more distinct traditions for marking the seasons or holidays. It's a shame that here in the UK, there doesn't seem to be quite the same calendar of events, at least to the same degree. There is something rather lovely about observing the change in seasons, or any other positive landmarks, with rituals and traditions and fun things. It's a shame that some of these events have been hijacked by the world of marketing and commercialism, so that one feels compelled to ignore the event completely, rather than associate with the shallow and materialistic 'celebrations' they have become.

Birthdays are a great celebration of life and age, and anniversaries also bring the opportunity to reflect on the past with thanksgiving. In a world and a time full of so much discontent and fragility, shouldn't we take as many opportunities as we can to celebrate and be thankful? Whilst I am no fan of commercialised occasions that encourage us to spend money without meaning, I love the idea of family traditions, created to signpost special days, times, occasions and events. Families often spend so much time together that they can take it for granted and forget to cherish the special moments that make great memories. At the other extreme, families can spend so little time together that they often need big events in order to come together at all. While this may occur for joyous occasions, like a wedding, or at Christmas, there is the danger that it only happens during times of tragedy, like funerals.

I remember when I was a child, there was a particular residential road near my house that was lined on both sides with trees. It was a lovely, winding road, with pretty houses on either side and in the spring, the trees would flower with spectacular blossoms, in various shades of pink, peach and yellow. We would rarely drive down that road, because it wasn't really on a direct route to our house. But on a Sabbath after church, when all four of us were together and on our way home, if the weather was nice, we would take a mini detour especially to drive down that road, so we could appreciate the beauty of the blossoms. It was a tiny little ritual, one that wasn't even consciously carried out as a ritual, but it was a small event that we remembered as a family, which somehow marked the season of spring and the soon-coming of summer. We still remember it even now, and although it is an even rarer occurrence these days to drive down that street, if we're ever in the area during springtime, it's a detour we still love to take.

Perhaps the unpredictability and instability of English weather prevents these traditions, hindering our ability to plan such events because we can't rely on the certainty of the seasons. In early December last year, something had happened and I remember my Boy commenting that it was even more special because it coincided with the 'first snow of the year'. I guess in New York, where winter snow is pretty much guaranteed, or at least a high possibility, this is a regular occurrence. In London, we are lucky to get any snow, particularly snow when it is cold enough that it that actually settles. We can't plan to make our first snowman of the season, or go out to collect firewood or any of those adorable little outings that I may have picked up from schmaltzy American films.

It seems that so many of our cultural quirks and traditions are dying out and being lost forever, which I think is rather sad. Some things should be remembered or marked in some way, however small, but I don't believe that we should all become obsessively ritualistic about this. There is always a danger that when we start the regular observance of an event with the use of a particular custom, it becomes a tradition that morphs into the observance of the act itself, losing all its original meaning. However, I love the small practices that signpost our little milestones throughout life. We all need something to break up the passage of time. These things don't have to be cultural or nationwide events. The erratic nature of our seasons could work in our favour, encouraging us to be more spontaneous. Why can't we create our own special ways of acknowledging the positive events in life, however insignificant they may seem to others? I've decided that I'm going to start creating my own mini celebrations, even if they are only celebrations-for-one to begin with. Maybe I'll be able to get my family and friends to join me in a few. One day I may even have my own little family that I can create more new traditions for and with. Why not start your own, too?

Friday Fill-In #4

1. Follow the straight and narrow road, but don't forget to smell the flowers sometimes.
2. My eye mask, which helps me to sleep in less-than favourable conditions is something I always take with me on vacation.
3. To achieve your goals, you must first set some!
4. I'm nowhere near as miserable as I sometimes sound(!), is something I'd like you to know about me.
5. I have a long-distance love.
6. I can't remember the last time I made Cola ice-cream floats.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm (not) looking forward to dealing with the virus that has infected my laptop, tomorrow my plans include a restful day at church and with the fam and Sunday, I want to lazily sort out some bits at home, but am instead singing at a wedding!

Watch...and wait

Eyes glance at the digits in the corner
Anticipation
I'll give it a while longer
I'm not looking
Tick tock
One digit has changed
That's not enough
I shouldn't have looked
I hate the waiting game
Now fear creeps in
Will this time be the last?
The scars haven't completely faded
What were my last words?
I'll find something to regret
One 't' uncrossed
One 'i' undotted
It will rile me until I let it go
Each time, my heart stops a little
This will be it
No more; the end; never again
Until the notice pops up
The soul sighs
Happiness.
But maybe just as much relief
Patterns of behaviour
I know yours
I have hidden mine
I'm okay, I can handle this
The past is passed
So you think
So I wish
But the memory...
The memory, ever-present, never fading
Always lives in today
Reminding me.
Maybe further along
I'll know the cycle has broken
When many more digits have changed
The heartbeats are regular
And anticpation is no longer a dirty word
Until then
I will continue to pretend
I don't watch
Or wait.

Dance, Colin! Dance!

Anyone who used to watch the Channel 4 sitcom Spaced will get the title reference. But even if you didn't, there are no in-jokes or insider knowledge necessary to find this funny. I think amusement at these 'dad' dance moves is probably universal. I haven't seen any video footage yet, but seeing these pics of former US Secretary of State Co-lin (that's Colin, to the rest of us) Powell, getting down like a dad at a disco onstage at the Africa Rising! event, is hilarious enough. Powell joined Nigerian group Olu Maintain for a knees-up during their performance. Apparently they were teaching him to dance Yahoozee, and it seems he's a fast learner. The Royal Albert Hall hasn't seen the like before, or will since, I reckon. I just love how he starts off all smiley and casual, as if he is just humouring their request that he join them on stage, and then within moments is all serious and gangsta, breaking out some hardcore moves and even rocking the mic right.

Mad props though. He is 70 after all. Go'on Colin, with yo' bad self. :o)



















Pics courtesy of thelondonpaper.com

Temper, temper

You set a dangerous precedent when you're nice to people.

I rarely lose my temper. Sure, I get angry, but not to the point of full-on, raging, godzilla-like shouting matches. I'm not saying this is necesarily always a good thing. In fact, I could probably do with letting loose a little more often than I do. But I'm well aware that I have a spiteful and nasty side that surfaces in those moments of anger, and being an emotional person, I know that if I didn't keep that side in check, I would be guilty of saying so many things I would live to regret, and to be honest, probably didn't even really mean. I don't really like saying things in the heat of the moment. Of course things annoy me at times; I get irritable and am notoriously moody, but I try not to take that out on people for no good reason, if I can possibly help it. I think it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt, be patient, put yourself in their shoes. All of this is well and good until I actually do lose my temper, even if just a little bit.

The second I let my guard down and let a bit of the feisty side show, the reaction is all, "Ooohh, Em's getting mean!" Arrrrrgggghhhhh! That really is a sure-fire way to get me angry, for real. Why do we come down hard on people when they slip, but cut plenty slack to those who are consistently that way? Why are we harsher with those we have higher expectations of, whether they have asked for those expectations or not? It seems a little unfair at times. But when you set a precedent with your behaviour, you set yourself up for criticism when you don't live up to it. It's a tough one. You want to be a good person, but by your very actions you make your mistakes more glaringly obvious in comparison.

So, what to do? Be consistently bad, so that your one good act will shine like a little star in the midst of your darkness??? :o) It's tempting, lol, but I know I won't be doing that. It's not who I want to be, and more importantly, it's not actually who I am. I don't want any awards for trying my best to be a good person. All I'd like is a little slack when I inevitably mess up.

Friday Fill-In #3

1. One of the best concerts/plays/movies I ever saw that I really didn't think I'd like was...I don't know. Most things I've seen lately have been ones I've wanted to.
2. A Pret chicken and avocado salad is a meal I recently ordered that was delicious (and free because my lovely workmate Tom bought it for me as a goodbye present)!
3. It's time for less talk and more action.
4. Going to the gym in the morning before work is (surprisingly) quite refreshing.
5. If I never hear the words 'bursary form' again, it'll be too soon.
6. To one side of the curving road was a beautiful still lake, and on the other was a unkempt meadow.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not worrying about work, tomorrow my plans include speaking at church and having lunch at the 'rents with a new friend and Sunday, I want to get organised!

Autumn

I took this pic about two weeks ago...now it's completely devoid of leaves. :o(
I'm glad I got this pic when I did. Pretty!

Uncrowded Fraternity

It's start of term and suddenly I'm transported back to my first days of uni, when I was younger, more naive and less cynical. It's strange how you can get caught up in the atmosphere of being surrounded by hundreds of new students and suddenly regress several years. I'd forgotten how care-free you can feel when you're full of hope and promise and haven't yet grasped the financial responsibility you'll face in a few years. I'd also forgotten how cool it is getting a student discount on so many things and just how much free stuff one can get at a Freshers' Fair!

But my favourite part of the day had to be seeing in-house 'celebrity' Robert Winston (whose official title, I have discovered, is the rather grand 'Professor the Lord Winston'), walking amidst the hustle and bustle of Freshers' Week, looking bemused and somewhat out of place among the fresh-faced youths with his senior and mustachioed self. His recognisable frame stood out from the crowd to me, but at the same time I could see he could simultaneously manage to remain rather inconspicuous. Better still was the reaction of two students he walked right past: one recognised him a split second later and stopped the other in his tracks so that they could turn back and get a better look, all the while explaining to his friend, "It's him! You know, him! Off the telly!" Their excited faces were a picture and they continued on, with a heartfelt exclamation of "I love that guy", that made it impossible for me not to grin at them.

[See this article in the Telegraph for a fascinating insight into Robert Winston and a pic!]

Later, the day's wait for the bus home saw me surrounded by little gangs of students of all ages and nationalities. Teenagers fresh from classes at the English National Ballet, walking with perfectly out-turned feet, discussing the day's lessons and practising leg extenstions while maintaining impeccable posture. A Spaniard, mid-cigarette, discussing upcoming events at the Royal Albert Hall with his Chinese companion, before getting on a bus with her. Three Japanese students discussing bus routes with some Scandinavian acquaintances. An undergraduate couple, cuddling and giggling, while playing RnB out of their mobile phone and attempting to dance. It was fascinating to people-watch, especially such a diverse bunch, all full of start-of-term excitement.

However, all this frivolity and fraternity sometimes makes me a little sad. There's something about seeing groups of people that always make me feel pathetically like I'm on the outside. Being the lone singleton amongst the collective masses seems to give me that feeling that I'm missing out on something, am on the fringes, an outsider. I don't really know why. I have my insecurities, but I'm not especially insecure. I'm not even a particularly jealous person. I have a few wonderful friendships with individuals that don't know each other, that are cultivated on a one-to-one basis. I think I probably function better in one-to-one, or at least small group situations. I don't always like having to compete for attention, to be heard, to chip in my two pence. But even so, there seems to be this odd longing I feel to be part of a big group of friends. I can't really figure out why. I had a small taste of it during Sixth Form, until the competitiveness of others got in the way and I realised I didn't really fit in. The person I took 'refuge' in is still someone I consider a good friend, although our communication is mutually sporadic. The closest I've got to being part of a gang lately, was with my friends from my old workplace. We still see each other now and then and share a sense of humour with certain things that I haven't found with another group quite so closely since. Even so, there's always the sense that I'm a bit different.

My Boy has a huge group of male and female friends that he has known, in the majority, since he was young. He's mentioned that they're like his family. They've grown up together, they love each other. Because of geographical reasons, I haven't met his friends yet. He tells me that they will love me, that they're a great bunch of people. They certainly seem so. But while I find it incredibly endearing and admirable, I'm also incredibly intimidated by it and in some ways a little jealous. It's not that I don't like meeting new people. I do get a little shy and awkward when I'm out of my comfort zone and around people I don't know, but I usually manage to hold my own. But it seems to take me a long while to feel and act like myself, in a big group. Yet for some reason, I still seem to have the recurring wish I was part of one.

My ex had a big group of male friends, from school days too. Although they are a great bunch of guys, I remember it taking me ages to feel completely comfortable around them. I have awkward memories of feeling uncomfortable to the point of tears, once or twice. I still don't quite understand why! I still get embarassed thinking about how odd/rude/aloof I must have come across, until they got to know me. Another good male friend of mine has the same big group of friends since school times, and I've always admired the long-standing nature and endurance of the friendships. Perhaps it is easier for big groups of guys to stay friends, than it is for big groups of girls? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on that. I think I'll leave that gender debate for another post.

Maybe one day, when I do meet the Boy's big gang of friends, I'll have shaken off my insecurities of not fitting in. Maybe by then, I'll even have discovered the cause of my weird aversion/attraction to close-knit groups of people. Maybe I'll know for sure that I'm not necessarily missing out on anything. After all, the thing I've always cherished about my friendships is the quality of them, not the quantity. Some people hide out in crowds because they are too insecure to open up on an individual basis. In any case, I know it's just as easy to be part of the it-crowd and still feel completely alone. It's somehow even worse to be lonely when in a group. For all my insecurities, at least I have that going for me. I might be a loner sometimes, but I'm not lonely.

Friday Fill-In #2

1. October has arrived out of nowhere...where did the summer go???
2. I have realised that despite what my mind thinks, my body has decided that blood tests scare me!
3. Leaves are falling all around, it's a shame that the orange-red ones on the tree outside my window were the first to go.
4. My favorite horror movie is Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho' because the corruption of the human mind is the scariest thing of all.
5. Fun times with Claire, when we were teenagers without a care and she lived on Brendon Street = good memories.
6. It was a dark and stormy night, but it's always cosy inside.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to enjoying the fact that my Dad is home and not in hospital, tomorrow my plans include enjoying the blessing that is Sabbath rest and Sunday, I want to sort out the pigsty that's currently masquerading as my bedroom!