Friday Fill-In #55 & #56

And...here we go!

1. Pardon me, but I will not be in work mode for at least the next week.

2. During the past three years, I have learnt about myself a good deal.

3. I was surprised to find that I really like life at the moment. This is progress.

4. Watching children play (using their imagination) is one of my favorite forms of entertainment. They crack me up!

5. Hi, my name is eMelectric and I'm a bit rubbish with managing my money.

6. If only we could just work mornings from June-August, so that we could make the most of summer afternoons.

7. I love to potter around, be on my own, mooch around shops, eat yummy food and be around people I love.

8. Sometimes, all it takes is the word 'please' and a smile.

9. It's how you view yourself that so often shapes how other people view you.

10. If you're planning to surprise me, then no matter how small the hint, don't tell me!

11. Well, would you prefer to be disliked for who you are, than liked for who you are not?

12. I had no idea what spring peepers were until Wikipedia informed me they are a type of frog commonly found in the USA and Canada. In Martha's vineyard, they are often called 'pinkletinks' - best nickname I've heard in a while! :)

13. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing the Royal Wedding highlights on the evening's news, tomorrow my plans include a doctor's appointment, then having a chilled evening with Samson and Sunday, I want to revel in the fact that we have an extra day of weekend!

Friday Fill-In #54

And...here we go!

1. For me, it was one long countdown today. Eight hours to go till my two weeks of freedom!

2. When I was 17, I had a crush on a boy who worked at my local supermarket.

3. Behind the sound of the wind in the trees, I heard a little birdie doing some mental musical scales.

4. To visit Victoria Falls (again, technically) is something I always wanted to do.

5. When it was over, it was a shock at first. But then an utter relief.

6. Two birthdays ago, I spent virtually the whole day on my own, but I never felt alone. I loved it!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to starting my two-week break with a very chilled-out evening, tomorrow my plans include going to virtual church for the first time in ages, doing some reading and chilling with the boy and Sunday, I want to have a fun day and finish it with the second episode of 'The Walking Dead'!

Spring (Cleaning) Break

I have a day and a half left to work…then my two-week Easter holiday begins. Whoop! I am so excited. Partly because I can’t wait to not be at work, which is utterly dry and mind-numbingly, brain cell reducingly boor-ring at the moment. But I am also looking forward to a good ol’ Spring clean. My room is a hog-house at the moment. It does need an actual clean, but mainly it is just messy. My clothes seem to multiply during the night (this is the most likely explanation and not that I buy more clothes without getting rid of the old ones) and they are currently strewn throughout my room. I’m not using my storage space effectively, mainly because I have so much stuff I need to get rid of (charity, eBay, bin, but mostly the first two), so this stuff is taking up space in my wardrobe, in boxes that are blocking my wardrobe and so on, so that the things I actually use are generally stuck in rotation between me wearing them, me washing them and them temporarily being in a pile on the floor or over the back of my chair before I wear them again. All in all, not a good system.

I’ve managed to get rid of some stuff of late, probably not loads relative to the amount I still have left, but quite a fair bit nonetheless. Making a little bit of money back on the side is a bonus. Well to be honest, it’s the only reason I’m putting anything up on eBay, otherwise I could have saved myself some time and space by giving it all to charity months ago. I have at least three bin bags of clothes to get rid of one way or another, probably about half a dozen pairs of shoes, a box of jewellery and other accessories, several items of make-up and maybe the odd book/dvd or two. My room really does seem to reflect my state of mind – it is currently an utter mess, but then I have intermittent spurts of tidiness and sort lots of things out, then let things get messy again in between. Similarly, I’m trying to sort my head out and at times have surges of positive energy that get me seeing the good side of things, making beneficial plans and feeling that things will get better. Then the enthusiasm slowly wears off and things seem insurmountable again. But I get a buzz every Spring, during which the flames of enthusiasm get fired up again and I feel more upbeat about things. I’m not sure if it’s the longer days and lighter evenings, the milder weather and more frequent sunshine, the psychological effect of it being a time for new starts, new life and growth, or the fact that I am a Spring baby. But I ain’t complaining, I’ll take a good mood where I can.

So, the plan is, next Monday to Wednesday will mostly consist of me:

• Sorting through my most recent post and receipts - shredding those I don’t need, then actually putting the ones I do need into some sort of file
• Getting rid of my stash of old magazines - put them in the recycling
• Doing laundry
• Sorting out my chest of drawers and wardrobe so that things I actually use are stored in these
• Taking out the clothes/bags/shoes I don’t use and then sorting into what to sell/what to give away
• Throwing away old/half-used toiletries, etc.
• Vacuuming
• Dusting/Cleaning
• Washing my curtains
• Throwing out unnecessary tat!
• Mending a few garments that have holes in
• Sorting out all the things I want to sell on eBay – photographing and listing as I go along (which I’ve discovered is much easier and quicker than photographing everything in one go, then creating listings all in one go)
• (Once things are sorted) Making a list of anything I need storage-wise (e.g. boxes, containers, etc.) that will help me use my storage space more efficiently

An ambitious plan, I know, but I want to make the most of the days I have before Samson is also off work, because I know that as soon as he is on holiday too I will just want to chill with him. The proverbial road to hell is paved with good intentions, but since my room is rather hellish already, I think it cancels itself out. I'll have to post next week and confirm how much of the list I actually did. :o)

Week In Review #26 - a few days late

I Bottled It
I couldn’t face attending my therapy appointment on Saturday. I slept badly the night before, felt anxious at the thought of going and was in tears as I tried to explain to Samson how I felt. I thought I might be able to compel myself to go, but couldn’t summon the energy or the strength and ended up sending a pathetic text to Mary at 11am (when my appointment was due to start). I knew she would be disappointed/annoyed etc. and I also didn’t want Samson to be disappointed in me. But when I had made the definite decision that I did not want to go, I felt so much better and didn’t even have that nagging feeling of regret later on which I sometimes get when, rather than push through the discomfort, I make a decision to not do something that I probably should have.

The Alternative
I've thought of exploring the possibility of getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) on and off for some time, after hearing about it, reading about it and having it recommended to me by more than one person I know. I suppose I have been reluctant, not knowing whether it was the right thing for me, but admittedly also subconsciously thinking "That's what obsessive compulsives get, the real crazy ones," somehow trying to deny and ignore my own slight OCD tendencies and the fact that OCD or not, CBT is used to help replace bad/negative patterns of thinking/behaviour with good/positive ones. I've noticed that while talking to someone about the things that are bothering me was helping to a degree and perhaps helping me figure out the bigger picture of my mental health, day-to-day I still haven't been coping. A throwaway comment from someone can lead me to feeling utterly rubbish about myself because of the way I tend to perceive things. I know that sorting out some problems will improve things, but I need to change the way I react to situations in general to improve things long term.

Quids In (or maybe just Less Quids Out)
I make my last loan payment on 21st April. I cannot wait. Although I still have quite a few debts to pay and won't have finished paying these for several months yet, this is a significant payment that will be out of the way. Not continuing with my therapy appointments will save me the same amount of money, meaning I will have a substantial amount of money freed up to pay off more of my other debts and make things that bit easier financially.

I really want to start driving lessons this year (if I could get my licence this year too, that would be even better) and I have also been thinking more and more seriously about getting eye surgery to correct my vision. Both things will cost at least £1000 each, the eye surgery probably double that, based on the approximate prices I've seen. Plus, a holiday with the boy at some point this year would be nice, even if it's just a long weekend in the country.

Seeing the 'Rents
I went to my parents' house late on Saturday afternoon with Big Sis. We had a good chat with Mum, ate a lovely dinner, stayed the night and then woke to breakfast made my Dad, after which Mum curled my hair for me. It was nice spending time with them and not feeling rushed. Mum kept pottering around in the garden in between doing my hair and Dad went upstairs for a while to 'put his feet up' (which actually means 'watch cartoons' - I think he's having a second childhood, or maybe a first one, since they didn't have animated films like Winnie the Pooh when he was growing up). We had another yummy meal at lunchtime (I have really missed my Mum's home cooking, especially of the vegetarian variety) and then Mum gave us both a lift home in the afternoon.

That's pretty much the main events of the week. Overall, not so bad, but the thing with my counselling appointment is still nagging in the back of my mind. Come on, Easter!

Surname of the Day:

Wildgoose. It's a real surname. True story.

Gettin' My Hair Did

My Mum is curling my hair today. Whoop! I hope I don't end up looking like a poodle, but here's to curly 80s hair nevertheless.

Spam

Got a message in my junk mail just now, with the subject heading: IT READ MUST YOU.

Is Yoda sending spam messages now?!

Friday Fill-In #53

And...here we go!

1. In the near darkness the birds sing all the more loudly.

2. I will be in a grump 'til further notice.

3. But this isn't working so well after all.

4. I caught on very late (2009) to the game of playing Pooh Sticks in the stream.

5. It's always nice to be appreciated.

6. There's nothing better than good weather, yummy food and pleasant company.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling with my boy, watching some Quantum Leap and knowing I don't have to work tomorrow, tomorrow my plans include an awkward session with my therapist which may be my last, then going to see the 'rents and Sunday, I want to look like a poodle (lol) once my Mum does my hair and enjoy some sunshine!

It Happens, Even If You Think It Doesn't

My friend KM commented on Facebook today that she was still trying to get over the revelation that a young man she knows thought “relationship abuse didn’t happen to people in his church”. A shocking attitude, perhaps. But sadly one that I don’t think is particularly uncommon in religious groups or maybe even ethnic groups.

I have noticed the same sort of attitude to lots of things – domestic abuse, mental health problems, issues with money management, addictions, drug use, use of prostitutes and pornography….I could go on. There can be a tendency within a church environment to lean towards a ‘them and us’ attitude, where people within the church are apparently magically unaffected by the problems the rest of the world experience. There is still a large taboo around mental health issues such as depression, which some narrow-minded ‘religious’ people can see rather than an illness or condition, as simply a failure of your spiritual life. You clearly don’t have enough faith if you are depressed. Or perhaps you are not counting your blessing enough? Such reactions are especially unhelpful for a person suffering from depression, but to be honest are pretty much unhelpful full stop.

What KM noted was that “sometimes being sheltered is a set up for not knowing how to deal with serious problems.” I couldn’t agree more. I think my own denomination here in the UK was shaken a few years ago when a long-serving minister committed suicide after a long battle of depression. If it could happen to a minister, to such an extreme extent, then maybe we had better take notice? It’s sad that it often takes a tragic event for people to realise that a problem ‘other people have’ really does affect people in your own circle. In recent years the church has also become more openly outspoken against domestic violence and taking action to protect people in such situations.

I have thought for a long time that our young people in church (and in general, really) should be allowed to have open discussions about topics like these, with adults who can give them frank advice and guidance, without a judgemental, narrow-minded attitude. A much greater level of honesty and transparency is needed if we are going to prevent problems from rooting, so that they lead to tragedies later in life. It might have been fine to be hush-hush about sexual issues back in the early days of the church, when these issues were taboo in society generally. But now that information is so widely available, now that children are being exposed to adult issues early on and are becoming sexualised at younger ages, can we really still pretend that just telling them “don’t have sex before marriage” or “respect your partner” is education enough?

My experience with my own parents has been good and bad. I suppose the main negative point for me was that I always sensed they were embarrassed to talk about certain things and that embarrassment rubbed off onto me, so I never felt that comfortable raising questions about certain issues or telling them things I was worrying or unclear about. I think I was lucky that I enjoyed reading, because I think I got most of my sex education from books my parents either made available to me, or I just sought out myself. I have thought about how I would feel answering such questions if I had my own children. But I think it would be important to make the conscious decision to deal with these subjects and swallow any embarrassment or awkwardness I might experience for the sake of teaching my children about the more difficult aspects of life and how to deal with them, as well as giving them the security of knowing that they could ask me with any questions without feeling scared of reproach or embarrassment themselves.

I feel sad knowing that there are people I know personally who have experienced domestic abuse, mental health problems, issues with sexuality and so on, who feel they can’t always be completely open about these difficulties with the people within their church because of a lack of understanding, of education and often of basic human compassion. It’s sad but it’s true. So, now the hard bit: what to do about it?

Used versus Really Used

I'm continuing to try and sell lots of the many clothing items I don't need or use, by listing them on eBay, usually in batches of similar items. I hadn't planned it this way, but it seems logical that if I start with an item or two of jewellery, say, I might as well continue with listing other jewellery items.

The current batch? Lingerie. I love pretty underwear sets and frilly, lacy bras. The downside? My appreciation for the aesthetic clashes with my practical side and I nearly always end up wearing plain, practical items that work best for everyday use. Hence me acquiring several very nice sets of lingerie (nothing overly pricey, mostly all high-street) that I have either worn once or twice before my boring practical side kicks in, or have never got around to wearing at all (many still have the tags on).

I've sold a few items and have bids on some others and have received the odd question about combining postage and so on. One bra and knickers set (listed separately) I described as 'barely used', because although they are clean and look unused, they don't have the tags attached and I can't remember for sure if I wore then once or twice or not at all. I got a message today about the knickers in this set, containing only three words: Are these dirty?

A fair question I suppose, seeing as buying intimate clothing on-line that may have previously been worn before is certainly not everyone's cup of tea. Admittedly, after checking my listing I realised that I had not specified that these were washed and ready for wear, but I guess I saw that as a given. And wouldn't anyone who is particularly concerned about hygiene (or lack thereof) wash them again before wearing anyway? But the wording of the question made me wonder. I checked the person's profile: they had a sports-related user name and all their previous purchases (less than 30) were of sports memorabilia and collectables that they had either bought or sold. It might be a huge assumption, but my guess is it's a man. That changes the whole context of the question. I guess I should have made a better distinction between an item being in 'used' condition and really being in 'used' condition. Yikes.

(Fore) Closure

The subject of money, or more the subject of booking more therapy sessions (which would cost more money), didn't come up until the end of my appointment on Saturday. I said I wasn't sure I would be able to attend much in April because I couldn't afford it. Mary's face dropped and the atmosphere changed. "What's different this month to last month?" she asked, which I didn't know altogether how to answer. "Well what do you mean, you can't do April? I mean you're basically saying this is over because it's the beginning of April now."

It was an awkward moment and a side to her I had not seen. There was a fire in her eyes that I couldn't quite work out the meaning of, but I think it was a sign of hurt. "I can't help you if it's off and on, we really need to see each other every week. I mean, you're making a decision about how you spend your money, so..."

I explained that I was in a tight situation financially and that it wasn't that I didn't want to make any more appointments. My eyes started to well up a little bit and I had to hold in the sudden urge I had to cry. "I should have mentioned this at the beginning," she said, suddenly calmer, "So I have a part in this too. Will you at least come next week so that we can talk about it?"

I agreed, although I had no idea how I would pay for the appointment, and things seemed better again. For a moment, I wasn't sure who needed or wanted the appointments more. But I suppose when you get involved in someone's life, even professionally, especially in a pastoral capacity, you feel a responsibility for and an attachment to them, that requires a level of closure if it is to end. The only problem is that now I have seen that side of her, I can't un-see it, you know? I know I am still working through things, but I sort of feel like I will be doing that forever. When do I decide and how do I know that I am ready to go it alone, that the things bothering me are no longer things that are insurmountable, but challenges I can face in a rational way without having to pay someone to talk me through them?

During the walk home I felt a bit numb. When I got back to Samson's afterwards, he noticed I wasn't right and I ended up talking to him and then crying quite a lot into his shoulder. Bizarrely, the tears came freely, which doesn't often happen, even when I feel really low. We talked, he gave me a cuddle and some reassurance and I felt a bit better. I made us some brunch, then ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half, feeling rather drained.

I'm not sure what to say next session. I've made nearly the cost of my appointment by selling things on eBay this week, but I can't guarantee I will have done the same next week. Samson is essentially subsidising my lifestyle right now and what a pathetic lifestyle to subsidise. It was a weird moment, but I suppose one that hit me where it needed to hurt. What am I doing with my life when I can't afford the help I need to get better, but can buy random clothes, shoes, accessories and so on that will probably be the same stuff I am selling on eBay now in 3 years' time? I have to get my act together, emotionally and financially.

The Weekend...almost

Tonight will be spent with Samson, most likely chilling out, maybe watching a film or some Quantum Leap (our viewing rate has slowed somewhat, partly of late to me ‘losing’ the disc we were on, only to find it a few weeks later in my actual DVD player). I really look forward to weekends now. I suppose I always did, mostly for the fact that I didn’t have to go to work, but I do even more so now, knowing I can spend time with Samson. I feel at home with him and really enjoy his company.

I have a therapy session tomorrow which I can’t afford to pay for. It’s a good job I brought up the topic of my problems with money management (that apparently signify a deeper-rooted problem that probably stems from a particular situation or experience) in my last session, because maybe this means that Mary will be more sympathetic about my lack of sufficient funds to pay for her services. Samson has been great and has lent me the money on a few occasions, even when I’ve said I would just cancel. He reminds me that it’s important I do go and is happy to help. He will probably be willing to do the same for tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ve even paid him back for the last two I went to as yet, so I don’t feel good borrowing more.

In the afternoon I will be heading home to drop off my stuff (and undoubtedly pick up more stuff), meet Big Sis and then head off with her to see the ‘rents – the first time I will have done so since the a week or so into January. We are going to stay the night on Saturday, then take Mum out for a treat lunch on Sunday (again something which I can’t afford). I’m actually really looking forward to seeing them and spending time with them.

It's nearly hometime now and therefore officially the start of the weekend. We just had a fire alarm and had to evacuate the building. That really kills the little motivation I had left, if any, to come back to the office, especially at 5pm, but at least I will soon be out of here. Annoyingly, I seem to now be in a slightly grumpy mood and that's never a good way to be on a Friday night. I'd like to blame my depression, but to be honest, I think I'm just a moody bitch. Temporal, like the weather. Come on, 5.30!

Friday Fill-In #52

And...here we go!

1. I can't believe it's April. Eh? How did that happen?

2. Hot Cross Buns for everyone!

3. How can I change the world when I have trouble changing myself?

4. My own recipe spicy tuna and tomato spaghetti was the last thing I cooked.

5. Six of one kind could make for a boring dinner party.

6. Apparently, according to my newly-out work colleague: White trainers on gay men: nonono!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling with the boy, tomorrow my plans include going to stay at the rents' with Big Sis for the first time in a few months and Sunday, I want to treat Mum to lunch (with the help of Big Sis - I'm largely broke) for Mother's Day!