Broken Record

I am feeling militant today. I think it’s because men are rubbish. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, lol. OK, it's not solely down to the male species and I do have to attribute some of my dragonista status to my hormones, but today, I'm feeling irritable and harsh. *sigh*

I decided, perhaps against my better judgement, to send BFTP a message. I don’t understand what has happened and why him needing a bit of time and space to think has resulted in him locking me off completely for virtually a whole month. It’s hurtful to say the least, not to mention confusing and irritatingly predictable. I have realised that I shouldn’t feel bad about increasing my expectations at times. I deserve an explanation at the very least, I think I earned the right to that, didn’t I? I’m angry with myself for just expecting to be treated a certain way, that I think it’s all right to be ignored and not deemed important enough to warrant an explanation or a polite message. I do try to live as much as possible by the golden rule of ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated,’ although it isn’t always easy, but in this specific situation, I honestly don’t believe that my behaviour has justified a complete lack of contact.

What is most upsetting is that I truly thought this time would be different. I really believed that we had an understanding that was a level above the rest, but what on earth went wrong? I keep wondering what I might have done that could have made him change his mind or think differently of me, or decide that he didn’t want us to be in touch after all. All I really need is to know what the situation is. Being left in the dark frustrates me more than anything. It is so difficult to just pretend that things are OK and to try and get over a situation that you don’t even understand in the first place. I feel like I’ve gone through the break-up of a relationship that didn’t even officially get off the ground.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this, that I should be able to just brush the dirt off my feet and carry on, that what other people think or whether they want to be involved in my life or not shouldn’t have such an effect on how I feel about myself. But I’m not and it does. It’s probably a good thing I have no money to spend, because I would probably feel the need to go comfort shopping otherwise. I need to get a grip. I think the sugar overload is getting to me.

Self-Inflicted Alone Time

Skins comes up to me at my desk and asks, “Where is everybody? You’re all alone!”

It doesn’t help that the desks either side of me have been unoccupied for several months, but Mr. G is off sick today, and Miss T and Boss Lady were in a meeting, meaning that I was the sole occupant in my section of six desks.

“I didn’t wear deodorant today,” I offered by way of explanation. Skins laughed and nodded knowingly, before I explained where everyone was.
“The others are in a meeting.”

“Yeah,” he said, “About you!”

“True,” I agreed, “They’re probably discussing, ‘How on earth can we make her wear deodorant?’ It’s a sensitive subject.”

He started to walk away, laughing, “I’m only walking away because I have to get back to work, not because, you…you know…”

We giggled, but I wonder if I should joke about these things...

The Fat Girl Within

I think there is fat girl trapped inside my body. She is making me eat like some kind of monster. It’s either a fat girl, or some kind of parasite. I just want to eat all the time. I would worry I was pregnant, if I didn’t know for sure that this would be a physiological miracle. This morning, I bought a cheese pastry and ate it on the way to work because I was running late and knew that waltzing in just after 10am carrying a visible take-away box of toast from the canteen downstairs would probably not look great. Especially since I have to walk past the three people who will be on Friday’s interview panel to get to my desk every morning, meaning they can see what time I get to work. Eek.

Since getting to work (just over an hour ago), I have made some tea, eaten a plum and started tucking into my second pastry of the morning (chocolate, this time). I also have an apple waiting on my desk to be devoured and a drawer containing the remaining half of the packet of fruit shortcake biscuits (the other half of which I ate yesterday). I’m already planning lunch, too. The eating machine must be stopped.

I am feeling worse than yesterday and wishing I could be at home, tucked up in bed watching trash telly. I’m not sure which would be worse – being at work, unable to concentrate and wishing I was at home, or being at home resting, but with a guilt trip gift to take the edge off my enjoyment from Boss Lady, and the added anxiety of the workload that would be growing exponentially in my absence.

Life has started to stagnate again. I don’t much like October, although I’m not altogether sure why. I am starting to get that horrible feeling of October approaching, when the nights draw in and our evenings get shorter, and the morning air starts to hold on to the night-time chill. I am dreading that daily atmosphere of grey, where everything just seems dreary and bleak. Summer just wasn’t good enough this year. I think I may be in dire need of a holiday. A hot, sunny one.

Day of Rest, Then Back To The Grind

My brain is finding it very hard to function. I came into work today, mainly because we had a team meeting set up with BlankFace and I knew it would be best to attend. I woke up feeling better than yesterday, but the 90 minute-long meeting has taken its toll. Yesterday, I woke up and knew that going into work would be a bad idea. I waited until after 10am and called Boss Lady as promised. She still sounded a little huffy, even though I quite obviously sounded sick (with the throaty, gravelly man-voice I seem to have acquired courtesy of this cold) and had texted her the evening before just to give her the heads up. Her tone annoyed me slightly, but I tried to ignore it. Big Sis came to use my laptop, so I got up and went to make us a drink and get me some Weetos. While eating, Big Sis chatted to me as she tapped away, until I eventually had to lie down again at about 11am. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up properly until 4pm. Eek! A few weeks ago, we had chosen this evening to invite Bigger Sis round for dinner, mainly because we haven’t seen her since her birthday holiday to Cornwall in July and also because we are all too broke to go out to eat. Big Sis was going to cook dinner, but I had agreed to take care of dessert, so I knew I had to get up.

I managed to wake up enough to clean the bathroom and mop the stairs at Big Sis' request, then popped to the shop to buy the double cream she had forgotten for the dessert. Bro-in-Law prepared the living room and the table, while Big Sis chopped up the mushrooms, onions and garlic for her yummy mushroom risotto. We laughed at each other as we pretended to be TV chefs and gave instructions aloud while we cooked. I was making Eton Mess, the easiest dessert ever, made up of chopped strawberries (and raspberries this time), meringue pieces, whipped cream and a sauce from some of the puréed fruit, all mixed together into a lovely ‘mess.’ I chopped up my berries and then blitzed some of them with the hand blender, adding a bit of brown sugar. The double cream took ages to whip, and we laughed (me somewhat less so) when Big Sis decided to get out our ‘good’ crockery to use and unearthed a forgotten-about electric whisk that could have saved my biceps some work. We used our fancy plates and serving dishes, as well as some nice dessert glasses we found and the big purple wine glasses I bought on sale a whim ages ago because I liked the colour, but have had stored away ever since.

We were expecting Bigger Sis at 7pm and were all salivating as wafts of the finished risotto’s aroma filled the atmosphere. Bigger Sis called at 6.50pm to explain that she was caught up in an irritating delay, so we might be waiting until about 7.45pm. Since I hadn't got around to returning her past few phonecalls, she asked if I was OK and said she had hoped it was just because I was busy and happy. "Well, the busy part's right..." I said, but didn't really explain any further. With everything pretty much ready, we all sat hungrily, watching TV and laughing at each other’s hunger-induced impatience. Bigger Sis finally arrived, armed with two huge bunches of lovely flowers, bottles of wine and a bottle of ginger beer. After putting the flowers in some water, we filled our fancy glasses and then sat around the table to eat. The risotto, accompanied with asparagus, was delicious and really tasty. Dessert time arrived and we all tucked in, having at least two servings each, topped up with extra meringue pieces, un-whipped cream and berry sauce. It was yummy.

We chatted and caught up with each others’ latest, updating each other on work and suchlike and then looking at some of the photos from Cornwall on my laptop. Eventually Bigger Sis had to make moves, so we all walked her to the train station in time for the train at 11pm. We exchanged hugs and blew kisses as the train pulled away, then retreated back to the house, after Big Sis stopped to buy her train ticket for the week. It had been lovely having our first 'proper' dinner party and had been really nice to see Bigger Sis. When we got home, I filled a bowl with hot water and added salt and menthol crystals, then put a towel over my head and the bowl so that I could inhale the vapours and clear the airways. Feeling like I could breathe a little more easily, I got ready for bed and settled down just after getting a text from Bigger Sis at 12.30am to let us know she was home safe.

Next morning, Bro-in-Law knocked at my room just after 8am needing to use my laptop and apologising for waking me up, which I was thankful he did (wake me up, not apologise I mean, lol). I was feeling better than the day before and managed to get up and ready in fairly good time, stopping to get toast at work and still making it into the office before 10am. I am definitely feeling the tiredness now though. Last week, I had arranged to meet Lolly after work today, but we have decided to make it a short one as I am doubting my ability to stay awake past 9pm.

Yesterday, I checked my messenger and had received an offline IM from NY Guy that was two words long: “I’m back.” I resisted the temptation to reply with "What do you want, a medal??" How very arrogant! No “How are you?” or “I’m back in London and wondered if you’d like to meet up?” No. Just two words announcing his arrival, with the arrogant expectation that I would jump for joy and beg him to see me. Whatever. I ignored it. If he wants to see me so badly, he can make more of an effort than typing seven characters on his keyboard. The joke is, a while back, I probably would’ve taken the bait. Now, I’m not really fussed if I see him or not. I almost don’t want to on principle. His air of self-importance irritates me. He always seemed to get on just fine without me, so I’m sure he can survive a while longer.

I left work a little early and went to meet Lolly. I was feeling increasingly more ratty due to a combination of tiredness, inability to breathe sufficiently, hunger and pre-menstrual moodiness. We met in the station and some random dude was playing bagpipes. We both huffed at the assault on our aural faculties, searching our respective bags for pointed implements with which to pop said bagpipes, then sighed with relief when the noise stopped. As we walked to get some food, the playing started again with a vengeance. "Oh, shut up with the bagpipes!" I exclaimed rather too loudly, while throwing my hands up in the air with irritation, "I have a headache!" Only as I virtually shouted this did I notice the various men kitted out in army fatigues and berets, giving out leaflets of some kind and evidently associated with the same bagpipes I had just very audibly cussed. Oops. I suddenly felt a little bit awkward and embarrassed. "OK," I said under my breath, "you fought for us in the war, play all the bagpipes you want." Lolly was still unrepentant. "But they may have fought for our freedom!" I argued, a little facetiously, "I feel bad now." Lolly's argument? "Yes, they fought for our freedom. And I am exercising that freedom by hating their stupid bagpipes." You can't fault that kind of logic.

We bought dirty food at Burger King and I hid in shame as we walked out and back past the camo-clad soldier on the way to the eating area. We found a table upstairs and I embarrassed myself and Lolly further with my disgusting table manners, which I blame on a combination of hunger, trying to eat too fast, trying to talk while eating and being unable to breathe effectively through my nose while my mouth was full of food. We chatted and giggled, but I became increasingly unable to concentrate and had to bail out just after 7.30pm, but not before nipping to M&S for take-out desserts (egg custard tarts and strawberry tarts). I had a few minutes to run for the train, so gave Lolly a rushed hug and ran off, hoping my exertion wouldn't be in vain. On the train, I texted the Mrs, whose call I had missed when having dinner with Lolly. She texted back that she and her boy had read my blog about them and liked it. I felt oddly touched that they had even read it, but happy they liked it. I felt a little bit sad when I remembered how much I liked it when BFTP had read my blogs. I tried to ignore the pangs of loneliness and closed my eyes as the tiredness increased.

I got home and got ready for bed. I made a cup of tea and ate both custard tarts. My appetite seems to have returned with a vengeance and its big scary mother. I had three slices of toast and jam for breakfast, some leftover risotto from last night for lunch, some peach nectar, a plum, an apple, a cheese straw, a couple of cups of tea, half a packet of fruit shortcake biscuits, and a large Whopper meal with coke for dinner. OK, it's not the healthiest of menus, but I'm still hungry!!! I've been looking after my skin a bit better this week, but instead I have been eating like a piggie. It's swings and roundabouts. I'm getting delirious, methinks it's time for bed.

(Not So) Lazy Sunday

My alarm went off at about 8.30am. I eventually woke up at 10.30am, feeling absolutely exhausted and still quite rough, even after 10 hours’ sleep. I was bored of snoozing and of enforced rest and was eager to get on with sorting out my wardrobe and thereby getting better organised. I was glad I had cancelled lunch with the girls, as I was definitely not feeling well enough to be out and about. I got up, had some breakfast and then at about 1pm decided to get on with the task of putting my chest of drawers together, which I was quite excited about. Just after I had started, my phone rang. It was The Ex. Since I had told him I would, I answered. His response? “Wow! You answered!” Get on with it dude, I’ll hang up again in a minute if you carry on down that route. He asked what I was up to and if I might want to meet up. I declined, saying that I was sick and didn’t want to go out and was instead making furniture. “Did you want a hand?” he asked. “Nah, I’m cool you know,” I replied, knowing that:

a.) him trying to help me would wind me up,
b.) I wanted the satisfaction of having done it all myself unaided,
c.) my room was a tip that no-one should have to see, and
d.) I still don’t understand why he is so insistent on staying in contact with me.

He told me to call him if I’m ever at a loose end or need someone to talk to, but I highly doubt I’ll be doing that. I’d rather write a blog, if I’m honest.

I carried on with my furniture assembly. Big Sis came to use my laptop when I was about halfway through, and found a tiny patch of bed to perch on, so that she was nestled amidst the huge pile of clothes like a cat. 90 minutes later I was starting to feel tired and quite ratty, but was on the home stretch to completion, so I persevered through and felt a lovely sense of achievement when I finished it, even though the top two drawers were very slightly wonky (grrr….I have to force my anally-retentive side to ignore it).

Look, look at my masterpiece! Clockwise from top left: The instructions; all the various screws, nails, dowling rods, etc. that went into that mother beast; almost halfway through, when I had assembled the frame; the finished product, with the back board attached and drawers assembled and secured!


I was feeling shattered after all the lifting and hammering and fixing, but there wasn’t anywhere to lie down because my bed was covered in clothes. I had another bowl of Weetos to try and summon up some energy and then started putting my clothes away. The Mrs. called me a bit later to ask how I was, then said “The Princess Bride, channel 5! Make yourself some soup and then get in bed and watch it!” I didn’t manage the latter, but I did watch it. I have to follow her instructions, she is a nurse after all.

Big Sis called me for dinner later on and Bro-in-Law had made a yummy roast of veggies, some from the garden – beetroot, potatoes, carrots, squash and some breaded mushrooms. It was yummy. By this time, I was feeling like I wouldn’t much want to go to work tomorrow, but was reluctant to call in sick. Still, there’s no point forcing yourself in when you’re clearly not well enough to work. My brain was barely functioning after my over-exertion with the furniture-building. I texted Boss Lady to warn her that I wasn’t feeling well, but that I would call her in the morning just to confirm.

By the time I had put all my clothes away and then had a much-needed soak in the bath, it was near midnight. I was worn out, but glad I had put my clothes away properly, instead of pushing them off the bed and on to the floor, or just out of the window, the way I had wanted to! I put on fresh bed covers and sank into bed, feeling all clean and soft and looking forward to the sleep ahead. My room still looks like a tip, but at least now it’s on its way to looking a little bit more civilised. Now if only I could start to do the same…

Sleepy Sabbath

Today was nice. We had our small group meeting rather than attending our usual church. I was slightly late as usual, even though we were only meeting in the hall that is directly opposite my parents’ house. I woke up feeling rougher than yesterday, so I took my time drinking my tea and eating about 4 slices of toast and raspberry jam (the cold hasn’t affected my appetite, thankfully), then taking my vitamins and paracetamol before meandering over. We had a nice Bible study, and even my Dad contributed, which he quite often doesn’t because his hearing means he can’t always follow the discussion as well as he’d like. We sang a few songs together, then started the main service during which Big Sis, Mum and I sang a trio before our friend Mark gave the sermon.

My cheeky little kiddos were present, the two older girls (Big C and Little C) and the youngest little boy (The Destroyer), who kept jumping on my lap and getting me to lean backwards, so much so that we both nearly toppled off my chair. After the service, we went back over to the rents’ for lunch – Mum’s special soup and home-made bread, red rice, curried vegetable and tofu stew, roast chicken, salad and traditional Filipino greens (gabi), cooked with chilli, coconut milk and fish. It was delicious. For dessert, we tucked into my Mum’s baked sweet cinnamon rolls. As we all sat talking around the table, Big C was stood on my chair behind me, as I sat down. She played with my hair and then announced, "You have white hairs. But you're young." Thanks for pointing that out so loudly, child. I replied, "It's because I'm also very wise." Ha, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, young un', I was ready for you this time! Lol. Thankfully I was wearing a different dress this time, so she couldn’t pull me up on that.

We were having fun discussing plans for the group and generally chit-chatting, but I was feeling more and more tired and had to lean on Big Sis as it was hard to remain upright. Eventually, I gave in and went to lie on the sofa nearby, so that I could recline but still listen to the conversation. The children clambered all over me and used the nearby footstool on wheels to spin around on while pretending it was a boat, with sharks in the water beneath them. I was too tired to play along, but kept laughing when The Destroyer jumped on me intermittently, saying “Hello!” I kept hearing snippets of the conversations, but eventually fell into quite a deep sleep, missing a meeting during which it was decided that I would be the children’s co-ordinator for the group (which they then teased me for my ineffectiveness at, seeing as I was asleep) and a short singing practice, only waking when everyone was about to leave. In total, a nap lasting 3 hours. Oops. My body was obviously in need of rest and recuperation.

After we had exchanged hugs and pleasantries, Mum and Big Sis updated me on the plans while we had a cup of tea and a snack. I got changed and got my stuff ready, as Mum had agreed to make a detour for me to Ikea before dropping us home. On the way, I realised that my plans for Sunday lunch with my uni girlies was probably not going to happen, as I was still feeling rather rough and didn’t envisage me feeling better by then. I texted them my apologies and then stopped at Boots to buy some Night Nurse, which for a change I actually had legitimate reason to take. We then stopped at Ikea and Mum and Dad waited in the car while Big Sis accompanied me to buy a chest of drawers I desperately need to sort out my disorganised clothing collection. I also picked up some light bulbs for my floor and reading lamp and an additional hanging organiser for my wardrobe. After paying, I treated us to veggie hotdogs, fries and a drink each, with fries each for the ‘rents and cinnamon and chocolate donuts for dessert, including a couple for Bro-in-Law in his absence.

We got home after a successful shopping trip and I hauled my goods up to my shockingly messy room with the help of Big Sis. She mentioned that Mum had been into my room when she had dropped by the other day (which, due to the mess, I had specifically instructed Big Sis to prevent her from doing). “Do you want to know what she said?” Big Sis asked, to which I replied, “No, actually. I’d rather not.” I tried on some skinny jeans that had arrived from eBay and wondered if I had been a little ambitious with the 'skinny' part. I got ready for bed, took some Night Nurse and after watching some telly, settled down for a good night’s sleep, looking forward to a thrilling Sunday of furniture assembly and tidying up.

Positives and Negatives

I am currently a bit of a snot monster. My eyes ache. My throat is sore. My tummy is weird. My hair hurts. But I'm actually still in a relatively good mood. I've spoken quite animatedly this evening, which probably hasn't helped the throat problem, but I had a good chit-chat with the 'rents.

I am really looking forward to Sabbath tomorrow. We are meeting with our small group again at the community hall across the road from the rents' house and are probably going to have lunch here afterwards. I'm looking forward to the worship within a small-group setting and seeing the new friends we have made, including my three little chums who are a constant source of amusement for me. My favourite comment they gave me at our last meeting? "That was your dress last time. Did you wash it?" Don't you just love kids? Lol! I am hoping that I feel a bit better and that my snot-tasticness doesn't dampen my spirits (or anything else for that matter).

I called The Mrs. on the way home to wish her a happy birthday in 'person' and then sipped a yummy hot chocolate the rest of the journey. I was steadily feeling more and more tired and couldn't wait to get home. Things are actually OK right now on the whole, but now and then, when I have a moment without a distraction, a moment where my mind is not otherwise occupied, a moment to think, I think of BFTP. I didn't realise quite how hard I would find this. What is most difficult is not having any idea of where I stand, of what he is thinking and feeling or even just how life is for him at the moment. I don't really know what to do, because I don't know how he views this break in contact. If it is a permanent break that he has no intention of returning from, then I really need to know that, so I can come to terms with it and try to get over it and move on, however hard, painful and disappointing that may be. I hate being left in a state of the unknown, in limbo, in uncharted territory without a map.

I am fighting against the natural reaction of confusion, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment and retaliation by trying to be understanding and patient, but there is the fear at the back of my mind that in doing this, if we get back in contact, I will be taken for granted, the way I have been by other people in the past. I've done the whole, "I understand, I know where you're coming from, you hurt me but I can appreciate the reasons for you doing this," thing before and it got me nowhere, other than stranded in Mug Town on the outskirts of Resentmentville. What gets to me most is when people make promises or pledges from their own initiative, without any coercion, pressure or sense of obligation from me, but then still don't follow through on their own word. BFTP promised he wouldn't disappear on me again, the way he had done back in the day, even though I hadn't made that any sort of prerequisite for us being in contact again. He took it upon himself to make that promise unprompted, but he has seemingly chosen to break the very word he chose to give. I didn't ask him to promise me that, but he did, so I put my trust in that promise. I should know better than to do this by now.

I suppose that this time, at least, he informed me that he needed time to himself, rather than just disappearing off the radar without any explanation at all. But that makes it no easier. I'm not any the wiser just because he told me that. It's not any easier to deal with, it doesn't make it feel any less like a rejection and it doesn't give me any greater hope that we'll get back in touch any time soon. I know I shouldn't have let my mind wander over this subject again. It doesn't seem to matter how many positive things happen, as soon as I remember the fact that BFTP has chosen to essentially cut me out of his life, temporarily or otherwise, it seems to cancel out any of the good things. Anything exciting or pleasant that happens is made slightly less exciting or pleasant by the knowledge that I can't share any of it with BFTP. I wonder if my BFTP has just gone back to being where he'd been for the past ten years - the past.

It's The Weekend!!!

So, you know, a happy dance is in order...

Random Shopping Trips, Sleep, Conversations and Colds

I caught up with Miss Lolly Lil for a quick beverage last night. She was in need of a bit of moral support and a reminder of how utterly fabulous she is, so we went to Costa for random iced drinks (which we discovered that neither of us really liked) and a toasted meatball and cheese Panini each (which we discovered that both of us really did like). We had popped into Whittard earlier on and bought a random mug each: hers, covered with different coloured hearts (really cute, suits her); mine, bone china, inscribed with the words ‘The Daddy’ (not really sure how it relates to me, but whatever). We had a giggle about a random man who we saw in there last time (who kept lamenting, while clearing tables, about having to work there, even though we have it on good authority that he does in fact not work there), had a nice chat and a big hug and then left for our respective destinations: hers was home, mine was The Tanning Shop (shhh, don’t tell anyone) and Sainsbury’s for some essential food shopping (yes, Weetos included), before heading home. Before we parted, Lolly tried to help me with my mental shopping list, which went a little bit like this:

Me: “Bread, milk, sugar…”
Her: “Eggs…”
Me: “Eggs…no wait, I don’t want to get eggs.”
Her: “Oh, ok, sorry.”
Me: “Bread, milk, eggs…”
Her: “I thought you didn’t need eggs?”
Me: “Oh, I don’t! You’re confusing me!”
Her: “Sorry.”
Me: “Right. Bread, milk, sugar, eggs…I mean, not eggs! Oh, forget it.”

I went for a quick tanning session (don’t judge me), because I find that if I go a few times a year (especially if I haven’t been on a beach holiday and got some sun otherwise) it really helps my skin. Considering the state of it lately, I thought it needed a bit of all-over vitamin D (yes, yes I know it doesn’t also need cancer, but I’m a responsible user). I then went to get some food shopping and even though I was only getting the essentials (bread, milk, brown sugar, cereal, olive oil spread, no eggs! etc.) and had come prepared with lots of bags, I still got a little over-ambitious with my carrying abilities. As I tried to pay, my card got declined again. This time, I knew it couldn’t be a lack of fundage because I got paid that day! My bank have done this before. There is no activity on my account for a week or two (because there are no funds in it, which they should be able to see, seeing as they are the bank and all) and then when payday comes, loads of money leaves my account as I pay all my bills, get out cash and stock up on essentials. They ignore the fact that my regular monthly salary has gone in, and instead attribute this sudden surge of activity to fraudulent use of my card, so decide to block it. By the time I realised my card was declined and I had no cash on me, I had already packed all my shopping into my bags, so had to suffer the shame of them hauling all my goods over to Customer Services to hold it there, while I tried to get out cash. Which I did. From the same account, using the same card and the same pin number that had just been declined at the checkout. OK, thanks bank, thanks for shaming me unnecessarily in front of loads of people at the checkout, even though there is money in my account which I have proved by just getting out cash using the exact same method I tried to use at the till. Punks!

Anyway, I hauled my two litres of milk, two kilos of sugar, one kilo of spread, two litres of Lucozade (ok, not quite an essential, but I need it for my upcoming gym revival), loaf of bread, box of Fab ice lollies (again not an essential, but way cheaper than buying them individually from the corner shop), two boxes of cereal and the other shopping I had done that day (bubble bath, toothpaste, body lotion, plums, and various other bits and pieces) to the bus stop. I realised The Mrs had called me while I was taking the shame in the supermarket, so I called her back while waiting for my bus. We had a chat about some of the things she is worrying about and had a laugh as usual, aside from the serious stuff. She also needed some moral support and a reminder of how utterly gorgeous she is, so we talked until she got home. I was only halfway to mine, so I listened to my tunes the rest of the way.

I got home to an empty house, as Big Sis and Bro-in-Law were out for an evening of delayed anniversary celebrations, so I put the shopping away and went upstairs, after sending Lolly a pic of a clementine (or satsuma, tack your pick) with the caption: Me = orange and shiny! My throat was starting to hurt even more and although I knew I had stuff I needed to do, I ended up falling asleep with the light, TV and laptop on, not waking up until ages later, when a quick check of my phone told me it was 1.45am. After turning everything off and going back to sleep, I woke again just after 7.30am realising my (now even more) sore throat had now been joined by its friend the runny nose, and was therefore definitely the onset of a cold. I blew my nose and did some stretches to try and ease the knots I have been feeling in my muscles. My Mum called and told me she would pick up my stuff as she’d be stopping by our house later, which was great news as it meant I could bring my laptop and not have to haul it around with me on the train (thereby creating more knots in my muscles). I got up, cleaned my teeth and then gargled with some salt water to try and ease my sore throat. I had a shower and got dressed while talking to Big Sis and gave her the belated anniversary card that I had only been able to get on payday. She told me about their evening (at a classical concert) and played me some little video clips she had recorded on her camera, that included a crescendo of fireworks (indoors!) on the last song.

I made tea, but the kettle took ages to boil, so I had to run to the station, but got there just in time. I had to make a couple of quick stops before I got to work, picking up throat sweets and a menthol inhaler and a card and little gift I’ve been meaning to get for my Mum for doing my hair. The bus driver of the bus I ran for pretended he hadn’t seen me as he closed the doors, and I mentally scowled at him (lol) until the next bus came (which was about 8 minutes later). At work, I breakfasted on nectarines and plums, along with a blueberry, pomegranate and acai berry smoothie, so I am hoping the vitamin C and general fruity goodness will help sort out this cold.

I am realising the reason for (or at least the benefit of) my inexplicably good (and borderline hysterical, if I’m honest) mood yesterday. Both Lolly and the Mrs were having tough days and I think my cheering-up and reassuring abilities would not have been quite as effective (if indeed they actually were) otherwise. It’s easier to lift people up when you’re not having so much trouble standing tall yourself. I’m still in a good mood, but this cold has taken the edge off, slightly. I am so thankful it is Friday. It has actually been quite a good week. I have felt a little more positive, a little more motivated, have made a bit more of an effort to actually put the motivation into action and have loved both the amount of sunshine this week has brought and how quickly the week has gone. I might review it in more detail later, if there’s actually anything to write and if I can stay awake later than about 9pm, considering I am already feeling in need of a lie-down.

Happy Birthday, Mrs!!!

It is The Mrs' birthday today. She has picked her most recent age and is sticking to it. Good plan, I say. No-one really believes me when I tell them my age, anyway, so I think picking one you like better, or suits you more, is a very sensible idea.

We have been best friends for something ridiculous like 12 years now. We have seen each other through many a fun/crazy/sad/difficult time, and we still love each other. She is one of my favourite people in the whole entire world. She ROCKS!

Happy Birthday my darling, hope this year is a spectacular one for you, and even if it's not, I'll always be here for regular phone calls, to offer unasked-for advice and irrelevant snippets of information as always. If nothing else, I'm always available for a sleepover, to watch episodes of Maury we can laugh at, sad films we can cry at, romantic comedies I can scowl cynically at, music videos we can re-enact together and songs we can sing and record, despite my perfectionist tendencies ("Can I do another take? That was crap. What do you mean, this is just for fun?!").

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Love you loads, missy.

xxx

Random Burst of Energy

Bizarrely, I am in a grrrrreat mood today. Yes, I did say that like Tony the Tiger. Anyway, I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it’s payday, that consequently I have been able to buy (and eat, obviously) yummy food of my choice for the first time in about two weeks, that the sun is blazing and the skies are blue, that I woke up early and despite not making it to the gym after all (not because I wasn’t ready or was disorganised, simply because I was starving and feeling a bit weak and didn’t want to pass out, lol) I still got to work at 9am, a whole hour earlier than usual. Or it could be the fact that my hair is bitchin’ today. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s all good, baby.

My perktastic mood couldn’t even be dampened by The Ex calling me at work, during one of the few moments I left my desk, so that my colleague had to answer my phone for me and therefore knew it was a personal call. Anyway, even that didn’t bother me; we had a quick chat and I may even be persuaded to have a catch-up with him. It might sound like a dangerous liaison, lol, but I’m gaining strength mentally, so I should be able to deal with it by now, shouldn’t I? I know that I don’t want to be with him and he knows that (I hope, I have told him enough times), but if not, I will have to make it clear that if he can’t accept that, then he needs to stop any contact with me at all. I don’t mind us being in touch as friends, but I don’t want to worry that I can’t be nice in case he misconstrues it as evidence of my deep-seated love for him, lol. In any case, I do actually like his company, just in small doses and not as a boyfriend anymore. Hmm, we’ll see. I shouldn’t make such decisions when I’m in a good mood. I tend to forget the bad things that have happened and the reasons why we haven’t been in touch. I am rubbish enough at holding grudges as it is.

There was a brief moment of sadness when my colleague Mr. G asked how my friend’s [BFTP] eye is. I had to find a diplomatic and less embarrassing way of explaining that “I don’t know, because he’s locked me off.” I think I got away with it, lol, but it wasn’t without a twinge of sadness at being reminded that I really have no idea how he is, eye-wise or generally, and how that sucks more than a vacuum cleaner on turbo.

I bought lots of goodies (chocolate Hobnobs and Penguin biscuits) on my way to work for our team goodie box as well as a punnet each of nectarines and plums, some cheese and onion crisps, toothpaste and veggie glucosamine tablets (all the essentials, you understand). I had three slices of brown toast and blackcurrant jam for brekkie at work and the carb-rush, along with my inexplicably positive mind-frame, meant my morning was very productive (or at least felt that way). I got loads of stuff done, prepared lots of forms that were submitted last-minute for today’s payment deadline, replied to email enquiries efficiently, spoke to a couple of students at the counter in person and then got into a random silly email conversation with a student about the huge power that comes with dealing with students’ money (muhahahahahahahahaha).

I also sneakily noticed that Boss Lady seemed to have a slightly more noticeable belly than usual, prompting my mind to work overtime wondering if she is expecting or not…I only think this because she has told me (and Miss T) quite honestly that she and her partner are trying for a baby, so it’s not like my suspicions are completely unfounded. I’ll be really happy for her if she is, but it will probably make me even more keen to get out of here, not knowing what on earth would happen to our team if she went on maternity leave!

Lolly emailed me earlier to tell me she had discovered something work-related that upset her, so we had a quick chat on the phone and agreed to talk again at lunch. I have decided to go out into the wild (lol) for lunch, mainly because I need to pick up some bits (namely a couple of cards for people and a lip balm to replace the one that has completely run out). I still miss BFTP a ridiculous amount, but for today at least, I seem to have enough distractions to stop it hurting so much.

Payday!!!

The clue is in the title. Nuff said, really.

The Mrs and Her Mr

I had a lovely little three-way with The Mrs. and her Boy last night. Hang on, let me rephrase that. I had a lovely little three-way conversation with The Mrs. and her Boy last night. We made a joke of this. It was lovely to catch-up with The Mrs, having not spoken to her properly since Sunday and having missed her calls the night before because of my early night. We had a laugh at the fact that all her most recent exes have called her this week, laughing in particular at one of them, whose bizarre relationship antics inspired their own swear-word during the course of the conversation, but shall remain unsaid in this domain (I get embarrassed even hearing about them second-hand, so goodness knows how The Mrs. feels, since she was actually there). We chatted and because her Boy was in bed next to her, he chipped in his comments in the background, randomly suggesting good names for bands, which all seemed to revolve around the combination of an adjective followed by a fruit or vegetable. They would giggle together and I joked that I felt like I shouldn’t be here, but it was actually really cute. They are a really nice couple. I like how at ease they seem with each other, and how comfortable that makes me feel around them. I like that The Mrs is exactly who she really is around him and that he gets her. I like that they have the same random sense of humour. I am really rather chuffed for her, despite her insistence that he is still going to cheat on her, amongst other fears and insecurities (not all necessarily irrational or completely unfounded, just a little more pronounced than they should be), which I think are slowly subsiding over time. Sort of. As a couple, they remind me a little of Head Sister and her fella: really well-suited, very fond of each other and both extremely likeable and good fun.

If she can overcome her fears and anxieties about what could go wrong, I think The Mrs. could finally in a relationship that she could be content in (I hope). And about time, too! She deserves it. But helping her to actually believe that is the problem.

Another 100 Things

1. My blog title was directly influenced by the J Dilla track of the same name, from his album Donuts.
   
   
2. I still have an aversion to Facebook. I was starting to change my mind...not much, just a tiny, weeny, insignificant smidgen...but I changed it back again. I just find it annoying.
   
3. I am a deep thinker. I sometimes wish I wasn't, but am learning that I may have to just embrace it.
4. I am also rather emotional and at times it bugs me. But once again, it's part of who I am and I don't think I'll be that successful at changing it.
5. Once, I was scouted at a mall when I was on holiday for an extra in a TV commercial. In the end I wasn't able to do it, but it was kind of funny being asked.
6. It kinda sucked missing out though, because I would have got paid nicely for it.
   
7. I am somewhat clumsy.
   
8. I don't like being told what to do, but it depends entirely upon the way in which I am told.
9. Last month, I got farted on by a small child. I didn't even notice. She politely informed me after the fact.
10. I am a bit of a loner/hermit at times. Don't get me wrong, I love the company of good people and sometimes I love the buzz of a big gathering, but after a short time I will start to crave my own space.
11. I am happy in my own company.
12. But I absolutely love spending quality time with people I care about.
13. If I took a photo of my closest friends together, it would look like a Benetton ad. I like to think I'm an equal-opportunities person, lol.
14. I want my children to have curly hair! Random, I know. Not at all costs, though. I won't not marry someone fantastic because he has straight hair. Although I would think twice. Kidding!
15. My parents love each other deeply but they frequently argue about little things. Sometimes it's amusing, and it's never problematic in a marriage break-up kind of way, but it has made me realise that I probably don't want that in my relationship.
16. Once, when I was about 17, a DJ took my number in a club because he was trying to set up a girl band. My number was new and I only realised a few days later that I had written it down for him wrong. Occasionally I wonder what might have happened if I had written it correctly. Mostly I think it was probably for the best.
    
17. I find musicality attractive.
18. I like wearing big rings. Not always, but very often. I very rarely wear any other kind of jewellery, but rings are my thing.
19. I am slowly becoming averse to living in the city, although I really do love so much about London.
20. When me and my sister were little, we did dance classes. We made up our own dance composition once to The Commodores' Easy Like Sunday Morning and randomly performed it in front of our family. We have the pictures to prove it! Lol.
21. I once met Rolf Harris and got his autograph.
22. I am toying with the idea of studying to become a nurse, but am afraid I might hate it.
23. If there is an animal I can relate to, it's a cat. Moody, sleepy, appreciates intermittent company and affection, likes eating and is occasionally hyper.
24. One of the people I feel closest to is a cousin I've only ever met 3 times.
25. I can be over-sensitive with some things.
26. But with other things, I really couldn't care less what other people think.
27. I like simple pleasures.
28. When I was little I used to drink an unnatural amount of orange juice. Nowadays, I rarely drink it. But if I do, I like it with bits.
    
29. I am thankful to say that I have never spent significant time in hospital, other than several hours in A&E waiting for an x-ray.
30. My current breakfast (well actually, any time of day) obsession is Weetos.
    
31. My current TV obsession is CSI. I have been working my way through all the series I haven't seen and lately I watch at least one episode (often several) almost every evening.
    
32. When I was growing up, there was a fantastic old-school sweet shop at the end of our main road. It closed down when I was about 11. I still miss it.
    
33. James Morrison once smiled at me at Victoria station. Technically, it was in response to me smiling at him, but it was a smile nevertheless.
34. When I was about 14, I fainted in the middle of a busy clothes shop. It was rather embarrassing because they had to call an ambulance.
35. I would really love to get my own place and live on my own. However, I dread the day I have to move out of here because I have so many belongings!
36. I lament that chivalry, for the most part, is dead. I think chivalry is lovely. And I think it works both ways.
    
37. I think that magazines, movies and western society in general has given my generation a completely erroneous view of love and what to expect when looking for/finding it.
38. If I ever get married, I fully intend it to be for life. I know that's not easy, but it's not a commitment I would go into lightly.
    
39. I think my Mum believes I am domestically incapable.
40. I am not as incapable as some people would think, or as I allow them to believe.
41. For me, 2009 has been the year of my emotional, spiritual and relational epiphany.
42. I have really struggled with some things, but I think my relationships with others have flourished or at least developed as a result.
43. I would very much like to have children one day, but if I think about it too much, the responsibility of parenthood terrifies me!
44. If I do have kids, they are going to have some super-cool aunties (and uncles), because my friends ROCK!
45. I can't wait to see what my parents are going to be like as grandparents. I have a feeling my Mum's super-strict discipline of my and Bigger Sis' childhood is going to inexplicably disappear. ;o)
46. Food really is the way to many a person's heart (including mine).
47. I love people-watching. How people look, their facial expressions and how they interact with each other fascinates me.
48. Some days, I am overwhelmed with the astounding beauty there is in the world.
49. Other days I am ashamed to be part of the human race and am overcome with sadness at how much suffering there is.
50. I still pray for my most significant ex-boyfriends. Is that a little weird? I do actually want them to be happy.
    
51. My maternal grandmother was an incredible woman.
52. I am not cool. Deep down I am a geek and a bit of a clown. But I'm cool with it.
53. The only time I have been in a 'fight' was when I slapped a boy at school around the face for calling me a racist name.
    
54. I am quite good at ignoring insults when I know they stem from jealousy/insecurity/ignorance/frustration, but I had to react to that one on principle.
55. I love and respect The Ex's parents a huge amount, but don't know if I can ever tell them.
56. I am a big softie at heart and I think I get that from my Dad.
57. But I do come from a family of stubborn, strong-headed people, my Dad included.
58. If I am cornered and attacked, I can become really vicious, verbally.
59. It's not something I like about myself, although it rarely happens. But my mouth has always been my best defence.
60. I am mostly a lover, not a fighter.
61. I find it quite hard to hold grudges and believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt as much as possible.
62. Sometimes it gets me into trouble.
63. I would rather get hurt than hurt someone else.
64. This also has got me into trouble. Several times.
65. I love hot showers. I take way too long taking them, just because I find them so relaxing.
66. I have learnt that it's not always about trying to change the things you don't like, but making the most of what you have.
67. I can't drive! I really want to learn, but I can't afford lessons. Or a car, for that matter. Small point, lol!
    
68. I like putting together flat-packed furniture. I find it oddly satisfying.
69. I really am rather moody. Have I already mentioned this?
    
70. I think that for most of the careers I aspired to when I was younger, I was just not cut-throat and fiercely ambitious enough.
71. When I see pictures/film of New York, it makes me feel homesick. I have only been there once.
72. I once had a conversation in Yorkshire with a couple of sheep. No, I don't want to elaborate.
73. I love sunsets.
    
74. When I was growing up, a friend of our family from church, rather than referring to me by my name, virtually always called me 'Trouble.' In an affectionate way, you understand.
75. I don't feel like I have fulfilled my potential as an individual in any capacity.
76. I often wish I was more disciplined.
77. I really am a little bit mental. I maintain that it is a sure sign of genius and creativity.
78. If I could change anything about my physicality, aside from correcting my eye-sight, I would like to have better skin, please.
    
79. Sometimes I wonder if life would just be easier if I was simple and shallow.
80. I have had loads of really fun, relaxing mini-holidays in the UK. I love the scenery of wide open fields, rocks, heather, dry-stone walls, etc.
    
81. I love the way people from southern Africa sing a capella. I love the sound and the rhythm which is so inherent in their bones.
82. I am part Filo pastry and part English Muffin.
83. I love being a mix of cultures.
    
84. I also love the fact that I grew up in such a multi-cultural city, in a multi-cultural area, with multi-cultural friends. I am most comfortable when in a completely mixed group of people.
85. I love that my parents are both culturally open-minded and well-travelled.
86. I am forever grateful that they took me and Big Sis on lots of trips to different countries (that weren't your typical package holidays) when we were growing up.
87. I think that having an older father probably made up for the fact I never had a grandfather.
88. I am affectionate.
89. I find it hard to be rude or harsh, especially to someone I know.
    
90. I tend to veer between extremes - too soft, or over militant. I haven't quite mastered my middle ground just yet.
91. Can I go back to sleep now, please?
92. I am a typical performer. I can put on that alter-ego when I really have to, but generally otherwise I am really quite shy.
    
93. I am also a bundle of contradictions.
    
94. I like the TV show Monk. Perhaps I can relate to his obsessive, kooky ways.
    
95. I am going to see Maxwell in concert on 31st October! I cannot wait!
    
96. I find it hard to sleep with any light on, however low, if I am facing it.
    
97. I can't go to an airport without getting itchy feet to travel. I feel a sad sense of disappointment when I have to go and see someone off/pick someone up and I'm not getting on a plane myself.
    
98. I love the changing seasons. I do like the temperate climate, but I wish we had more predictable weather sometimes.
    
99. Do you remember when 99's actually cost 99p? How much are they now, £1.50 at least! Hard times.
100. One day I'm going on a volunteer holiday to save the turtles! Who's with me??!
     

I got...

...an interview. For the internal position. Next week. Eek.

...the support and encouragement of Boss Lady. Yay (although maybe she just wants to get rid of me).

...a smile and a "Here you go," from BlankFace, as she returned some signed forms to me. Wow, she obviously loves me.

Nervous Energy

My medication has given me the shakes like a mofo today. I’m jittery, so much so that I splashed some of my water on the way back from the kitchen while trying to carry too much, feel slightly unsteady and just now took a sip from my mug of tea, which was visibly shaking slightly. I’m full of nervous energy. I hate days like today. The side-effects have definitely lessened (I’m thankfully no longer experiencing a complete lack of appetite and regular nausea like when I started), but every now and then I still get the jitters, occasionally feel like my skin is itchy/irritated all over and very occasionally have little desire to eat.

I remember my boss being disappointed with me for not coming into work one day, not too long after I started on my medication. I was feeling low and really nauseous and couldn’t face being at work. I think she assumed that because I was taking something for it, all my problems would disappear and shouldn’t I just go back to my doctor if I was getting side-effects? I wish it was that simple. All medication has side-effects. But with this medication, I feel that the intermittent side-effects are easier to deal with that the constant condition it is treating. I wish it was as simple as a panacea, but it’s not. I’m still living with the situation, it hasn’t magically disappeared just because I’m taking something for it. Perhaps the drugs have improved my physiological response to my life experiences, but they don’t remove or even improve the experiences themselves. If crap stuff happens, it’s still crap. It’s perhaps just not as dramatically or insurmountably crap as I would think it is, if I wasn’t medicated.

I went for lunch as usual with Mini Me, and we chatted while eating. She asked how I was doing and I explained that I have very little motivation this week. She knows about my depression and my medication and asked if I have been taking it. I assured her I have, but that I think I am going through a momentary low patch. She reminded me that she is there for me if I need her and I felt a little embarrassed, but grateful. She is moving out this weekend and I am really excited for her. At least someone is doing exciting things and living out an abundant lifestyle, the way I wish I had done. :o) Once again, despite all the things I don’t like about my job, just like in my previous job, I have at least made some really nice friendships. I have plans to see my old workmates (Lolly and Head Sister, Head Sister’s bloke, and two other lovely girlies, nicknames TBC) at the end of October (they decided to plan well ahead of time so that we could actually all make it and have enough money). I’m really looking forward to it. We are going to a wine bar (even though don’t drink wine) that serves ‘Fat Bastard Pinot Noir,’ which for the name alone is as good a reason as any to go there, whether you actually drink it or not, lol. Plus, it will lead me nicely into the same weekend I am going to see Maxwell in concert with Miss BG!

I can’t seem to stop writing at the moment. I have too much constantly on my mind. I simply need a place to put it so that I can get on with the other daily tasks, such as, you know, work and generally just functioning normally as a contributive member of society! When is it home time? Like, permanently? What’s that, you say? Retirement’s not for potentially another 40 years?? Lol! *Sigh*

Deep in Sleep, Drowsy and Devoid of Enthusiasm

I was starving when I left work yesterday. I stayed late again to try and catch up on my hours and my workload, but was starting to feel grumptastic by the time I left. Late in the day, I had got into an email conversation with a male work colleague I often banter with. I had a weird feeling he was coming on to me, even though I know he has a girlfriend who I think he even lives with. After several cryptic, vague and euphemistic emails back and forth, referring to things he ‘had heard,’ about us having ‘something in common’ and mentioning it was ‘confidential’ so he ‘probably shouldn’t elaborate in cyber space,’ I wasn’t really sure what else he could be trying to say. I even got a second opinion from Lolly, just in case I was totally misreading it. She replied with an objective “He sooo wants to love you!!!”, which had me trying my hardest to stifle giggles from my boss, until it hit me that he has probably applied for the same internal position that I have and was trying to tell me in a subtle way. Oops. I was a little relieved and laughed at myself for getting the wrong idea, but I still don’t actually know for sure. He’s conveniently gone on holiday for a week now, so I’ll have to stay none the wiser.

On the train home, I was sat diagonally opposite from a girl with a really stush face, one that would have probably benefitted from a custard pie or two (lol). I could tell I was getting tired and irritable, because her facial expression annoyed me all the way until she got off the train. I caught sight of her and nearly choked on the sandwich leftover from lunch that I was eating. I was coughing for quite a while and lamenting the fact I didn’t have my usual bottle of water in my bag to help calm my throat down. Serves me right for thinking horrible thoughts about someone I don’t even know. I know death is rarely dignified, but death by cheese sandwich is not really how I want to go out.

When I arrived home, I was exhausted and low and just wanted to lie down. The girl’s attitude was still inexplicably bugging me, so I reasoned that this sort of mood should really not be inflicted on anyone else. I said a brief hello to Big Sis and Bro-in-Law and then retreated upstairs. I got ready for bed, watched some TV and then surfed the net for a little while. My mood was perked up slightly by bidding on a necklace on eBay that I have had my eye on for some time (even though I very rarely wear necklaces) and a scarf that is exactly the same as the one I lost a few weeks ago. Yay! It is payday tomorrow and it can’t come a day too soon. I looked over at the pile of clothes I had planned to sort out, but knew it would have to wait. I wasn’t in a motivational frame of mind and I didn’t have the energy.

At about 9.00pm, I was already feeling like I should go to sleep. I was feeling tired and miserable and knew that a catch-up on some much-missed shut-eye was probably in order. By 9.30pm, I made the questionable decision to take some Night Nurse to try and help me sleep deeply and undisturbed through the night, without my recent waking up or random dreams. The lights were off and I was settling down to sleep by just after 10.00pm. Did it work? Yes, in the sense that I don’t really remember waking up, until I finally did at ten to nine. No, in the sense that I seemed to have even more dreams than usual, which came back to me in tiny snippets all the way to work.

Snippets such as: me being really rude and petulant to my Mum. Lolly laughing worriedly that she would be a bad parent because she babysat a friend’s child and then temporarily lost them. Me out shopping and calling someone ‘Dad’, only to realise it wasn’t my Dad and was in fact the director of the centre I used to work at (who looks nothing like my Dad, has a moustache and is considerably younger). Someone I can’t remember needing to buy a wedding ring in a hurry and me showing them the set of three plain narrow silver rings I have in real life and explaining that they can buy all three of them for £6 in Accessorize. Me talking to a huge group of women that I had some acquaintance with, even though most of them were inexplicably dressed in some kind of military uniform, then them encouraging me to do something like chase after this guy that I was trying to impress/win back and me being successful, after which they all stood and saluted at me for my mission accomplished, as we drove past. Me having a conversation with BFTP, in which he told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to talk to me for at least another three weeks. There were lots more little snippets, but (perhaps thankfully) I have forgotten them now.

My drowsiness-induced inability to get up on time meant I was running extremely late. I didn’t get ready as quickly as I would have liked, but had to make some toast and take some leftover pasta for lunch to try and avoid the headache, irritability and feeling of fatigue my lack of food gave me yesterday. I got a few emails at work this morning about social events coming up (lunch with my uni girls on Sunday, drinks/dinner planned with old work friends for the end of October, etc.) but even those didn’t make me feel excited or give me the inclination to immediately reply. I seem to be losing interest in things again. I don’t really want to be here. I need a holiday. And a new job. And more money. And about a week of sleep. And maybe some cheesecake. Mmm…cheesecake….

Happy Anniversary...

To Big Sis and Bro-in-Law. Two whole years already!!! Wishing you loads more lovely years of happiness to come.

xxx

Value Is Not A Virtue

So, who are these people who are fantastic at everything? Who are these people who have the energy, motivation and sheer incredible skillage to just excel in all aspects of their lives? How can I harness their abilities and shamelessly use them as my own?!

My creative energy seems to be experiencing an increase of exponential proportions. I’m feeling motivated to make the necessary improvements in my personal life, am finding that I have lots of thoughts spilling out of my brain that I seem able to easily translate into writing and I am actually doing some of the things that I’ve been talking about, rather than just stopping at the talking part as usual.

However, this burst of vitality in my personal life seems to have arrived at the detriment to my work life. I have loads of work to be getting on with, but I am finding it really difficult to just get on and do it. I don’t know why I can’t stretch my motivation or discipline to more than one aspect of life. If I concentrate on one, the other seems to suffer. I don’t seem to possess the ability to strike that delicate work-life balance. Frustratingly, however, I seem more than capable of being crap at several things at once, as evidenced by career, relationships and mental health all being pretty much sub-par at the same time. It’s almost as if as soon as I have made a minor improvement in my frame of mind, negativity sets in and just laughs at me.

I don’t know why people find it so much easier to believe the negative things that other people tell them (or often that they tell themselves), than to accept the positive comments. It seems to be the default setting for many of us, that negative statements are more readily accepted into our psyches than anything positive or affirmative. I know that I shouldn’t give into discouragement, that I shouldn’t allow doubt and fear to creep in and crowd out my optimism. But it’s just so easy to do. I know I’ve mentioned over and over about what a positive influence BFTP had started to be in my life, how uplifting his presence was, how encouraging he would be and how good he was at being understanding and supportive (I realise how ironic all this sounds now, given the current situation). It was lovely and I appreciated it, but since he went AWOL, all of those good things disappeared with him. But why do I have to rely on someone else to give me that? Why am I seemingly incapable of managing to do that for myself? The ironic thing about this is that I am an optimist deep down. I don’t have a problem with being positive about things, especially when it comes to other people. I can pep-talk someone into oblivion, I can help them to see the positives in their own situations, I can help them put things into perspective, calm them down and cheer them up. I have even been known to inspire people on occasion (I’m not delusional, they told me so! I know, incredible, given my predisposition towards melancholia). Why am I able to see the amazing characteristics in other people, but never appreciate my own?

On the flip side, some people do appreciate their own good traits (and even their bad ones) a little more than they ought to. Arrogance, especially when completely unwarranted, is something I find very unattractive. Confidence, however, is not. But there is a very fine line between the two and a subtle difference that is not always easy to either define or identify. I am attracted to the quiet confidence a person possesses when they are happy, or at least content, with who they are. I do like seeing a sense of vulnerability, insecurity or uncertainty, mostly because I find it endearing and reassuring. But I like when someone isn’t trying to be a certain way to impress, but instead is themselves and impresses me unintentionally, just by being who they are. I like that humility that someone has when they are aware of their weaknesses and insecurities, but doesn’t let these consume them. I love when someone has an obvious but subtle sense of self-worth, not because of what they do, how they look, what they earn, what they wear, what they drive, who their significant other is or looks like. But that assurance that they have in knowing they are valuable, simply because they are a member of God’s creation and a beautiful one at that, regardless of how the world, western society or the general media would view them. This kind of assurance doesn’t lend itself to arrogance, because it is not based on any advantage the person has over anyone else. It’s harder to indulge a superiority complex when your sense of worth comes from something that every single other human being possesses without bias, preference or partiality and over which none of you have any control.

I’m learning that I need to work on my own self-worth, that I am allowed and even need to expect more of myself and my life, that I shouldn’t just accept being treated a certain way, that I shouldn’t put everyone and everything before myself in terms of importance or worthiness. I know I don’t do this all the time and I’m not saying that I view myself as a worthless individual or one who has nothing of value to offer. But I think that perhaps I have unintentionally and even unknowingly been associating any value I place on myself with the things I do, the achievements I make, the way that I look, how I feel, the attention/compliments I receive, the relationships I am a part of, my financial capabilities, my living environment and so on. Instead of using all of these components as a sort of barometer of value, I am starting to learn that I should realise the worth that is inherent in me, simply because I am a child of God. We all should. I know that this depends entirely on what your religious and scientific beliefs are, but when you believe that you were specifically created, by a loving, divine Creator, it will change the way you think about life and how precious our existence is.

If you believe this, then you know that you are valued so deeply that God would send His beloved Son to die in order to grant you the right to live with Him eternally in the future; that He only wants the best for you and has outlined His guidance on the best way to live through His words and instructions in His Holy book; that He has plans for you that exceed any happiness you could imagine, if you would only allow Him to guide you and make those things possible; that He will never force you to accept what He knows is best, but wants you to have a personal relationship with Him that is based on the love, faith and complete trust that will motivate you to follow His ways because you have learnt from your own experience that His plans for you will always be for a positive purpose and never to harm you.

If everyone recognised their worth in this context, on these merits, knowing that it isn’t birth, wealth, status, race, gender, family or personal success that determines your worth, but that every single person is of equal value, regardless of their background, simply because they are of equal value to the God who created them, then we might start treating each other and ourselves with more respect. The beautiful thing about knowing this, is that regardless of where life takes you, no matter what may happen, what achievements you make or disasters you encounter, no matter what other people think or how they see you, no matter how bad things get or how low you feel, your value to God never decreases. Don’t ever forget it. If you ever feel like you are a disappointment, a disaster, a bundle of mistakes and bad memories, or that you just aren’t good enough, just remember that in these moments, God cherishes you even more.

I don’t know how on earth I got onto this train of thought, but I like where it has taken me. I am hoping that I can make this a permanent part of my mindset, that I won’t let discouragement eat away at my faith, that I will remember that I am valuable, regardless of how worthless I may feel. It’s not always easy and it certainly doesn’t come naturally at the moment, but this is the great thing about God’s Word. He allowed His people to put all these promises and reassurances in writing, to help keep them in our remembrance, so that every single generation to come would not forget their own worth either:

Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 139:13-14 :

¹³ For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20:

¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Jeremiah 31:3:

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”

(All Scripture references taken from the New International Version. All emphasis in bold/italics supplied by me.)

Dreams, Expectations and Best-Laid Plans

Writing a blog to help get me through (or even start) the day has started to become either a habit, an obsession, or a crutch. I’ve already alluded to my moderately obsessive tendencies and I’m wondering if this is a current one. This morning, I woke up later than planned again after another unnecessarily late night, but not so late that I had to manically rush around. I was feeling pretty good, even though I don’t feel especially well-rested, not just because of the quantity of sleep, but the quality. Over the past few weeks I have been experiencing random dreams, which isn’t unusual for me in itself, but is unusual because I have been having them virtually every night and am always aware of doing so, often remembering lots of the details or waking up with the lines between dreams and reality oddly blurred. Several times I have started worrying or thinking about something that I remembered had happened, only to realise with relief that it didn’t actually happen outside of my subconscious. I know that dreams are the mind’s way of collating, processing and organising our thoughts and memories, but it is evident to me from the sheer number and frequency of dreams I have been having, that lately my mind has been working overtime. It’s a little annoying, not being able to escape the things that are bothering me, even when I’m asleep. I wake up with thoughts and anxieties already formed, missing out on that blissful temporary ignorance one experiences for a while upon waking, before one remembers the events of the day before.

As I got ready for work, I was actually feeling psyched for the day ahead, despite waking with unexplainable emotions from the events in dreamland. I got ready relatively quickly and felt surprisingly alert. I was pleasantly surprised by the very slight improvement overnight in my skin, despite my best efforts at picking at and exacerbating the blemishes on my face all evening, in what is probably akin to mild self-harm. In my usual twisted logic, after doing that last night I had then made an effort to paint my toenails to make them all pretty, because, you know, everyone’s going to see my toes through my socks and shoes, no-one at all would be looking at my face.

I had time to make some tea in my travel mug to take on the train and didn’t even have to make my usual brisk walk/run the two minutes to the station. I met one of my old school friends at the station and not long after, our other friend arrived too. We had a chat and a laugh on the train, hearing about the two weeks’ jury service she has just done and admiring the new tattoo she has of the word ‘patience’ written in Hindi on the inside of her forearm. It actually looks really cool. Before she got off at her stop, she mentioned that one of our other school friends has just got engaged, which wasn’t especially surprising news, but was lovely to hear all the same. “Another one bites the dust,” I said jokingly, to my remaining (male) companion and he teased me about the pressure to catch up. “Catch up with what?” I asked, smiling at him, “I’ve got nothing to catch up with, I live by my own rules!” He laughed at me. “I like that,” he said, “I like your confidence. It helps to cover up how you really feel.” We laughed and agreed that it didn’t really bother us as such, but that it was weird seeing your peers grow up and settle down. We both get enough pressure from family or friends of the family. Maybe it’s a cultural thing? We talked about how annoying it was when people asked you when you were getting married. “Er…I’ll need to get a boyfriend first...” I said and he laughed. My favourite one is when people ask when I’m going to have children. “Well, let me explain something to you. When a mummy loves a daddy…” It cracks me up that I’m unmarried and more to the point I’m not even close to getting married, but people somehow think I should be on my way to parenthood. If I randomly got pregnant by some unknown, they wouldn’t exactly be congratulating me, now would they? Lol!

Yesterday, I had seen my friend on the train and we had been talking about getting older. “When do we have to grow up?” he asked, reluctantly. “I’m not planning to,” I answered, “so don’t even worry about it.” It’s weird how being young comes with all manner of expectations of you, but getting older has all sorts of pressures of its own. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a serious relationship, I would love to get married and start having children, I would love to be more settled and more secure, financially stable, more content and emotionally at peace, I would love to be more successful in my career, more independent, and so on and so on. But people asking me when these things are going to happen doesn’t make them occur any quicker, or any more likely to occur at all. I’m not about to start doing things in life just for the sake of it, to meet other people’s expectations, to make them happy, to conform to the norm, to meet society’s schedule. If those things happen any time soon, then that’s great, but I’m not about to start forcing things to fall into place. When anything happens, it will be when the time is right for me, when God knows that everything is in its right place and is orchestrated in the way He knows is best. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

The most important thing to me at the moment is getting better, to start making small changes and forming better habits gradually, so that I can be more content, more disciplined, stronger emotionally and better able to deal with all the other things life usually throws at us. I can only start there, with me; the other goals will be more achievable if I first work on myself and get the foundation right for anything else in life I hope to build on top of it. But then, I’ve always known that. It’s putting it into action that has always been my problem.

Two Out of Six (Ish)

So, my self-motivational talk to myself to self-motivate myself (lol) seemed to have the bizarre and rather unprecedented effect of actually working. I was getting by (only just) without enough sleep and after my breakfast of toast and jam at work, realised that the combination of a complete lack of fundage and my laziness in making myself lunch the evening before had resulted in me having to go without lunch. Rather than go and sit in the common room to watch other people eat, I sat at my desk all day, aside from the odd trip to the kitchen for drinks, or to collect the post, or to use the photocopier. For some unknown reason, the lack of both food and sleep had the inexplicable outcome of making me feel rather energetic mentally.

I had been lazy yesterday and hadn't even started any of the job applications that were closing today. I knew that I should try to submit at least one, seeing as I am quite obviously discontent in my current job, like to moan about it too much and still had some time to cobble something resembling a job application together, since the deadline was likely to be at the end of the day. I had a sneaky look at a couple of the positions I remembered and most liked. After reviewing them both and the lengthy tomes that comprised their respective application forms, I picked one that seemed to require skills and experience that closely matched my own, being rather similar to my last job, but at a more advanced level and for significantly higher pay.

Despite the sleep deprivation and hunger-induced fog that was clouding my mind, the words came surprisingly easily and I typed out what I thought was a fairly decent personal statement and outline of my reasons for applying. After ages of faffing with their poorly-designed application form (despite it being a creative institution - shame the vacancy wasn't in HR, I could have made redesigning that form my first contribution to the role), I managed to complete all the necessary information, spell-check and proof-read over my statements a few times and get it emailed to the correct member of personnel.

Feeling rather pleased with myself for actually getting something done for a change (despite somewhat at the detriment of my actual work to-do list), I rattled off a quick email to Lolly and then got on with processing the huge pile of payment forms currently pending on my desk. I even managed to stick it out at work till 6.00pm (it might have been later if IT weren't upgrading Microsoft Office at 6.00pm, which prevented me from doing any more work), printed out some more job descriptions and made the most of the absence of thelondonpaper by reading them on the way home, making the odd note here and there and assessing how well I met the person specifications and criteria for each one.

Big Sis and Bro-in-Law had gone to check on his parents' house while they are away, so when I got home, I warmed up the pasta they had left me for dinner. While waiting, I made two sandwiches for tomorrow's lunch, did some washing up, then ate my dinner, did a few bits online, had a soak in a ridiculously hot bath, got lotioned up and dressed for bed, then painted my toenails a sexy shade of deep red called Vixen. Big Sis and Bro-in-Law arrived home and Big Sis joined me in my room to borrow my laptop for some Facebookage and to laugh at my toe-painting skills (which weren't all that bad, actually).

I haven't made a bad start to the week, other than the fact that despite my being ready for bed at about 10.30pm, I am still awake writing a blog and watching Spaced at 12.30am. OK, so the early nights thing needs some work. But I have made lunch for tomorrow and submitted a job application, two tasks which I can (partly) tick off my week's to-do list and which have therefore given me a tiny (and rather pathetic when I see it in writing) sense of achievement. I have at least two more jobs that I definitely want to apply for and will hopefully start the applications for tomorrow. On tomorrow evening's to-do list is definitely making a start on the embarrassingly huge pile of clothes I have on my big chair, that seems to be magically multiplying overnight.

Despite my sudden burst of (probably short-lived) motivation, I am still feeling low. No matter how hard I try to just get on with things, no matter how I try to change my mindset and get on with the things that I need to and no matter if I even start to feel relatively positive or content, there is still a void where BFTP used to be. The past couple of days, I've been wondering if he's got back with his ex. Maybe he wouldn't go back there, but I know from experience the peculiar comfort that a familiar relationship can bring, even if it's an f-ed up one. I hope he hasn't, partly because from what he told me and from what I could deduce, it didn't seem to be a healthy or even mutually beneficial relationship for him. Of course, I also don't want it to be the case because of my own selfish reasons, but mostly because I'm pretty sure that him being with his ex would mark the certain end to us getting in touch again, even as friends. It's worse having experienced an incredible start to a friendship and all the lovely possibilities it had the potential to bring, only to have it disappear as suddenly as it arrived. I almost wish I hadn't seen the glimpse of what could have been (and what could still be...?). Almost. Even if that's all it was, a glimpse, it helped me make decisions that I couldn't see clearly enough to make otherwise. It helped me to more accurately define what I find most important and would most like in a serious relationship. It helped reassure me that the characteristics and qualities I am looking for are attainable and not unrealistic or unreasonable to desire in someone. I can't regret any of that. For that, I will always be thankful, even if it does mean that our brief rekindled contact served a specific purpose and nothing more. I really hope that's not the end to that story, but whether it is or not is out of my hands.

NY Guy will be back in town at the end of this week and I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not intending to contact him, but I'm still anticipating him suggesting a catch-up, even if it is in his unenthusiastic, minimal-effort-made, I'm-allegedly-still-in-love-with-you-but-all-I'm-really-bothered-about-is-that-my-ego-got-dented way. I think his three weeks in London, one week in NY arrangement is probably going to mess me up. I know I won't hear from him while he's back home and there's almost a sense of relief about that, but when he's back here I'll be back to that anxious feeling that I might bump into him. Maybe I've built up this anxiety surrounding him based on his ice-cool exterior. Perhaps confronting this weird fear/anger I have will help me get over it. I don't know. But for now, I am doing what I finally need to do: trying to get on with life and do what is best for me for a change.

Disappearing Months and Motivation

Where on earth is this month going? I think August fell down the back of my sofa, but September is fast disappearing like a supply of Weetos does if it is within my reach. I totally missed the birthday of one of The Sisterhood on Friday, completely forgetting to send Head Sister a birthday message. It was another friend's birthday on Saturday, NY Guy's yesterday, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law's anniversary is on Wednesday, my cousin's birthday will be on Thursday and The Mrs. has hers on Friday. An abundance of Christmas babies! :o)

I can't believe it is almost October. The only good thing about time speeding forward is that I only have three more days till payday (you don't know how much I'm looking forward to that) and that at the end of October, we get back that hour that Spring stole and I get to go and see Maxwell live with Miss BG! Other than that, October is probably one of my least favourite months, although I'm not sure exactly why.

Further to the utter pointlessness of my existence yesterday (when I did pretty much nothing of any value to anyone all day), I've decided I need to set some goals for this week, to try and push me into action. I have started feeling the same feeling of complete body fatigue that I felt just before I started on my medication, where every movement seemed to require a huge effort and my very demeanour and body language visually announced my depression even though my mouth didn't speak it. I'm putting up the week's goals on here, just so I feel some sense of accountability, even though no-one reading this would actually know whether I had actually followed through with my intentions and I could probably just make up stories of my sterling achievements week after week. But delusion and lying to myself, as well as others, just isn't my style. Frankly, I'm too lazy to front, lol, and I don't even think I have enough imagination at the moment to be that creative. :o)

OK, so, my goals/intentions for the week. These are little things, just small changes that I need to make, or habits I need to start forming again. I'm purposely starting small because setting my expectations too high in my current mind state is doomed to failure. But there are plenty of simple, manageable changes I can make that will hopefully give me the impetus I need to get momentum going.

1. Prepare lunch the night before for day after. Do it as soon as you get home, if necessary. You know once you've eaten dinner and sat down to chill out, you won't be likely to move again for the rest of the evening!
2. Apply for as many of the jobs you saw that are closing this week as possible.
   
3. Sort out your clothes and start putting away summer stuff. Make things a little more organised so that you aren't rummaging through a jumble of clothes in the morning!
4. Get enough sleep. You probably need a couple of early nights to make up for the weekend's lack of sleep. Then get into the habit of trying to get down to sleep at a similar time each night. Turn the laptop off well before hand. None of this falling asleep with it on your bed!
5. Try and go to the gym on Thursday morning before work. This definitely means an early night on Wednesday.
6. Go for a SB appointment and do food shopping Thursday night, if possible.

I think I'll leave it there. I don't want to get over-ambitious and then feel rubbish when I don't meet my unrealistic expectations! It's a start, at least. I can't carry on being so unproductive, lazy and demotivated. So, aside from yesterday, I'm trying to start the week as I mean to go on. Let's see if it works...

Highlight Of The Day:

The fish finger and cheese sandwich on granary toast I just had, laced with lots of tomato ketchup and a dash of mayonnaise. It was delicious. That it was the day's highlight isn't even an overstatement. My, today has been thrilling.

Good Intentions

I went to sleep at 3.30am. I got caught up between writing, watching Dave Chappelle's Killin' Them Softly and novel-based film The Joy Luck Club, which I seem to randomly catch on telly late at night at least once every five years. I had horrible dreams, in which NY Guy sent me half-naked photos of all his ex-girlfriends and everyone he'd ever slept with, which included random women with more than one pair of breasts (no, I don't get it either). I woke before 8.30am and decided that rather than sleep the morning away, I would get up. I got washed, dressed and made myself some toast and tea. I was feeling surprisingly awake and rather motivated, and planned to do some little chores in my room, some laundry and then fill out the job applications that I had intended to, most of which close to applications tomorrow.

A few hours later, I haven't started any of my planned activities, but have instead been deep in thought while anxiously picking at the skin on my face (a compulsion that I can't seem to get rid of and which I seem to do more of when feeling low, which makes me feel even more low once I see the state of my face afterwards) and done little else. The Mrs. had sent me a text asking if I wanted to chat (an invitation which she later joked sounded like one of those sex text services, lol), so I gave her a call and we had a nice long catch-up. By this time, the morning had just about disappeared and I was no further down my original to-do list.

Just now, I started to feel cold, so got back in bed. Lame excuse, I know. I am sat in bed with my laptop and have a browser window open, with twelve job applications open in separate tabs, but instead of being productive and actually starting an application, I write a blog about how unproductive I have been. I think this is my problem. Instead of actually taking action, instead of making actual changes, instead of just doing, I just write about taking action, about making changes, and complain that I am not doing all of the things I should be, instead of just doing them. I always have good intentions, but we all know that even the proverbial road to hell is paved with those. I am frustrated at my lack of motivation, my lack of discipline, my lack of achievement and lack of enthusiasm. I know that I am still not completely well and that therefore perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know that I need to get better and make small, gradual improvements to my life generally - my lifestyle, my diet, my attitude, my outlook, my spirituality, my sleeping patterns, and so on. But I am finding it hard to do so. Yesterday, I felt more positive and refreshed and was looking positively towards the week ahead. Today, I just have a complete lack of inspiration. I miss BFTP. :o(

I need to get my act together. Perhaps this blog-writing distraction wasn't a waste of time after all. I seem to have talked myself into actually doing something.

The Week in Review #20

This past week is somewhat a blur. That's not a complaint. I was thankful that work didn't drag this week and that my initial low mood and negative attitude at the week's beginning didn't make it to the week's end. God has been good, but He always is. I just don't always see, notice, or fully comprehend it. So, a quick round-up of the week's activities is in order, methinks.

Most Inspiring Individual of the Week
BFTP, even in his absence. I am still pondering over lots of things that we had talked about previously and have lots of thoughts and ideas that have developed as a result. He's still my muse, even though he is not directly influencing me, or even contacting me in any way, at the moment.

Most Missed Individual of the Week
BFTP. All the above is wonderful in its way, but it's just not the same without being able to talk to him about it all. Among other things, I miss his perspective, his point of view, his encouragement, support and his voice. This answer will probably remain the same every week until further notice. I hope we find our way back to each other, I really do.

Most Impressive Feat of the Week
Getting by, aside from spending £7.20 on a necessary re-up of my meds, on £3.80 since Monday. No exaggeration.

Most Exciting New Discovery of the Week
That Lolly has her own blog and that I get to read it! Woo hoo!

Most Unwanted Postal Delivery of the Week
The six letters that arrived for me at home today. Every one of which was a bill. Booooo!

Most Excited People to See Me of the Week
My three little munchkins, who I talked about in Friends, Food and Fellowship, running over to say hello and each give me a big hug after church today. They were all dressed in at least one item that was a similar shade of pink, giving them the cutest family uniform ever. The littlest one, the boy who is a little over two, gave me a cuddle and then pointed at me and said, "Dress. You're wearing a dress." Well done that boy, that would be correct. Later, their mum tells me that the middle girl was 'Star of the Week' in her class at school, which meant that as well as receiving a certificate, she got to sit in a special chair while her classmates sat on the carpet. I cracked up at this reward, forming mental images of her sat on some sort of throne, lording it over the other children. I asked the girl, "What did you do to become Star of the Week? Did you do well at your school work? Did you behave yourself all week?" She nodded. Her reply? "No talking." Yes, an impressive feat, given the lengthy conversation I had with her last month. I nod, knowingly. Being occasionally able to refrain from talking was my biggest achievement at school, too.

Most Annoying Weather-Related Issue of the Week
Having deceptively cool temperatures and dreary skies when getting dressed in the morning, only to find that the sun magically appears once you arrive at work, so that you are excessively warmly dressed for the rest of the day. Or the opposite happens, so that blazing sunshine and mild temps have you reaching for your sandals and sunglasses, only to find that you get caught in a thunderstorm on the way home. It doesn't matter what the weather reports say, either, it never accurately reflects the weather actually experienced this week. Having to dress for all seasons is getting tiresome. For example, it is currently pouring with rain but is disgustingly humid, when earlier it was a little breezy but the sun was so strong it gave me a headache.

Most Amusing Wake-Up Call of the Week
Mum coming to wake me up for church by getting into my bed because she was cold, and putting her cold feet on me, while commenting that I am just like my Dad as we both seem to be human radiators in those situations. Despite stealing all my body heat, she made me laugh as we had a chat, seasoned with our usual silliness of using our own made-up family vocabulary and making faces at each other. It got rid of my sleepiness, that's for sure.

Most Enjoyable Evening of the Week
OK, so it's not like many of my evenings were in any way eventful, but having dinner with Lolly on Thursday was really lovely and was exactly the tonic I needed.

Most Amusing/Enjoyable/Sad/Bizarre TV Program of the Week
A documentary on More4 (made by HBO) called Cat Dancers, about professional dancers Ron and Joy Holliday, an American couple who had a very successful performance show featuring wild (but tamed) cats. It explained their background, their early careers, their relationship, their bizarre third addition to both their performance show and their relationship and the tragedy that finally struck their world. I only watched it after reading a hilarious review of it in thelondonpaper (*sniff* - more on that later) that made me shake with laughter on the train home. Ron Holliday was cracking me up with his utter campness and series of not especially natural-looking wigs, but by the end of the documentary, he had totally grown on me and I wanted to give him a huge hug. Utterly random, quite bizarre, definitely unique, very sad, but extremely watchable.

Saddest Demise of the Week (and probably for some time to come)
thelondonpaper is no more. Another institution bites the credit crunch's dust. Despite me being in denial for weeks, Friday saw the very last issue printed. I am genuinely gutted. It was such a good read on the way home, even more so because it was free, but the articles were always informative, very often laugh-out-loud funny, innovative, politically neutral, engaging, interesting and importantly, were written about London and for Londoners. I am really disappointed that its parent company couldn't afford to keep producing it, and that even people power and the huge amount of public support and even celebrity following it had couldn't save it from going under. I am going to have to try and keep up with my favourite columnists online, but it's just not as fun and will certainly make my commute home way less enjoyable and much more slow. You may get sick of me, but I might have to post my own mini tribute in a separate post. Seriously. That paper rocked. I will miss the socks off it.

I don't get tired of this habit of reflection on the week's events that I have established. It helps me to remember with fondness all the positive aspects of it and reflect on and assess the negative points. Overall, I would say it was a good one. I hope your week was, too.