The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...?

This Christmas is a very odd one.  It's the first one without Dad.  It has crept up on me because I only went back to work after about four months on sick leave two weeks before, so hadn't been out and about noticing all the Christmas lights, decorations and build-up begin.

On Saturday, Mum, Big Sis, Bro-in-Law and I went to a Christmas sing-a-long concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I was feeling decidedly unfestive when we arrived.  But it ended up being good fun and made me feel a little bit more Christmassy than I had been.  Mum had a voucher for dinner at the Hilton, so we went there afterwards and had a nice dinner in the Hawaiian-themed restaurant.  The fruit cocktails were lovely, I would  love to go there another time and have some of the rum ones!  After the meal, we went home and I threw some stuff into a bag so I could go back with Mum to hers.  That's when I found out that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't going to Mum's for Christmas.

My family has never made a huge fuss over Christmas, but we've always at least had a gathering and lunch or dinner together.  It's become notably less and less important in recent years, which I think is a shame.  I really dislike how commercial Christmas has become and how irrelevant half of the things people worry about are.  But I like the fact that we have one day where everything stops, shops are closed and people are encouraged to get together, spend time in each other's company, watch old films and fun TV, have a nice meal as a family/group and buy each other gifts if they so wish to.  This year, Mum said that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't obliged to come, partly because Big Sis has been spending time with Mum and they also went away to Lanzarote for a week a couple of weeks ago, and she thought she needed to spend some time with her husband!  That's the benefit of being legally bound to another.  Us singletons don't get a free pass to spend time alone, or with friends.

Basically, today has been a non-day, highlighted by the fact that everyone else is talking about their gatherings and Christmas dinners and presents and so on.  Today I have sat on the sofa since 11am, watching TV.  Mum has been sat in the armchair next to me doing the same.  I've intermittently been on my laptop, her on her iPad.  We haven't spoken all that much.  We don't often want to watch the same things, although I don't mind some of the things she puts on.  I felt like going upstairs to read or watch things online, but it felt a bit rude.  There were no presents, no special meal.  There are no Christmas decorations up.  Everything just feels empty and dead.  Now and then either or both of us would be crying, but not really acknowledging it in the other person.

I have retreated into my shell again, not talking to people because it's easier to hold things in and deal with them on my own than open up and not be understood.  Mum frequently makes comments about losing a spouse being much worse and more intense than losing a parent.  While I agree that is true to a degree, it feels like she has a monopoly on grief.  Every now and then she says the same things about how she feels, her own guilt, her own 'if onlys', etc.  I want to listen and reassure her, but it feels like a broken record.  I don't have enough emotional energy of my own to tell her it's OK.  Going over what we could have done differently doesn't help me in my own grieving process.  It's personal to her, as a wife, as a nurse, as my Dad's full-time carer for 18 months.  I want to remember the positive things about my Dad, the good memories I have.  Mum says she keeps having to remember how he was at the end, almost to reassure her that it was the right time for him to die, that he was unwell, weak and uncomfortable.  I had already accepted that my Dad was going to die.  His existence as a fraction of the human being he was made me feel uncomfortable and upset.  It still hurt so much when he died, but I can't deny the part of me that was relieved that his suffering and also my Mum's non-stop effort with caring had come to an end.  Part of my Mum's grief is occasionally going over what more she could have done, which is very specific to her.  I can't imagine dealing with the loss of someone who was your companion for 31 years.  But I know what it's like to lose my father of 30 years and it's painful.  Hypothetically, my Mum could find another companion.  But I can't find a new father.  I may find a new father figure, I may have a father-in-law some day, but the father who raised me, whose DNA makes up my own, whose character and influence moulded me into who I am today, that can't be replaced.

I feel like now my Dad has gone, I've lost an ally.  The family dynamic has changed.  My Mum and Big Sis have got more and more alike in recent years.  It's only now that Dad has passed away that I feel like a third wheel at times.  I liked similar things to my Dad.  I think I'm probably a bit more cynical, more realistic/negative, less religious, less strong in faith - all things my Dad was in some ways.  I frequently feel like I'm the odd one out in my family now.  It's something I never expected, probably because I never noticed it before, because Dad was always there to balance things out.

Today, I've felt more and more sad as the day has gone on.  It's the first time since immediately after my Dad died that I've really felt like crying and have done so.  I've felt pangs of jealousy at people who are having traditional Christmas family get-togethers.  I've felt resentful of people who are moaning about things they could probably be a little more grateful for.  I've felt isolated, lonely and misunderstood.  I've felt loss twice over - the loss of my Dad, and the loss of Samson, who I could always go to when I felt sad, even if I didn't know the reason.  I've felt lost and even more sad because finding that kind of understanding in a person is relatively uncommon.  Building up that sort of trust, where I'd feel comfortable enough to talk to someone when I feel low, takes time.  I fear I won't find it again.  Or more likely, that I won't trust enough again to open up sufficiently to develop that kind of relationship.  It just feels like no-one understands.  I have hardly any appetite at the moment.  I'm having one meal and a snack a day.  I have no money again and only got paid five days ago.  There just never seems to be an end to this perpetual cycle of sadness at the moment.

It feels like as I get older, birthdays and Christmas just highlight all my sadness even more.  I think this is part of why I want to settle down, find someone who is my partner for life, who is with me against the world, and start my own family.  So I can start my own traditions, have my own celebrations, do things in a way that will make me happy.  I'm fed up of being the reliable, go-to person for my family to rely on to go along with what they want, because I'm too emotionally retarded to be able to say no.  I'm fed up of being someone who people come to for advice, when they are feeling down or in need of reassurance, when they need someone to be there, but not being able to support me in my own times of sadness.  This is what happens when you get used to holding your own feelings back and putting on your 'strong' face for the world.  Even those closest to you can't tell the difference between the mask and your real face anymore.  You can't let the barriers down even when you want to.

Birthday Breakdown (in more ways than one)

9.30am – wake up, slightly groggy after going to bed a little late (my two-hour nap on Saturday afternoon seemed to mess up my pattern).  Open the cards that had come in the post, etc. and the present I got from Badges – a coaster that says ‘Just because I work here doesn’t mean I actually “work” here.’  :o)  Arrange the cards on the end table at the foot of my bed.  Put on the TV, catch the end of a Sunday politics show and then the start of a discussion show asking young people ‘Is religion on its way out?’

10.15am – Big Sis comes to say hello and greets me a Happy Birthday.  We chat for a bit and then go to get breakfast.  She gives me a card from her and Bro-in-Law.  Has lovely messages that leave me a bit teary.  Methinks Big Sis is feeling rather emotional at the moment herself.  Make toast and marmalade and some tea, then go to the living room.  Thank Bro-in-Law for the card.  Chat over breakfast, lots of giggles.  I only manage half of my toast, then go upstairs to do a bit of tidying in my room (not so much a birthday activity, but a much needed one).

11.00am – start sorting out some of the paperwork on my desk, turn my laptop on, do a few bloggy things while sorting out any paper that can go in the recycling.  Am interrupted now and then with Facebook birthday messages from friends on my phone.  I fill a recycling sack with paper, envelopes, old newspapers and magazines.  Am surprised by how much space that alone frees up. 

11.30am – have a missed call from Dad, wishing me Happy Birthday and saying that they will be stopping by a bit later to drop off some stuff.  Mum says it will be about 1.00pm by the time they arrive.  I expect it will be slightly later, knowing them.  I tell Big Sis and Bro-in-Law they are coming round.  They are about to head out for a walk.  They will be back by about 1pm anyway, as Bro-in-Law wants to watch the Grand Prix.

11.45am - I sort out some of my clothes into piles for washing.  Am reminded just how much I need to have a wardrobe purge.  I vacuum the parts of the floor I can get to, as well as under my bed, where dust creatures have been forming for some time.  My door keeps slamming shut as the window is open and there is quite a strong breeze.  I wedge the door open to get the breeze flowing through to air my room.  The plan is thwarted somewhat by the window now slamming shut instead.  I play some music to keep me motivated and sing along loudly, giving my voice probably the most exercise it has had so far this year.

12.45pm – Big Sis and Bro-in-Law arrive back.  No sign of the ‘rents.  They have picked up some shopping on the way back.  Samson is going to come over, so I text him and ask him to let me know when he is leaving.  We talk and he says he will probably be here by about 2.30pm or so.

1.30pm – Big Sis comes in and gives me a lovely bunch of yellow tulips with a £20 note in the wrapping, from her and Bro-in-Law.  I give her a hug.  I do like tulips.  I get a call from Mum.  She apologises that they are running late.  She got a call from a family friend and got delayed.  She suggests that we could go out to lunch, as she hasn’t eaten and I say I haven’t had lunch yet either.  She hasn’t mentioned it to Dad yet, but tells me to ask Big Sis to book a table at the Thai place that we like nearby.  She asks what time Samson will be arriving and I tell her.  In any case, I estimate they won’t be arriving till 2.00pm at the very earliest, so he shouldn’t be too much later than them.

1.45pm – I tell Big Sis and Bro-in-Law about the lunch plans so they can get ready.  I ask Big Sis if she is going to have a bath because I will need to have one before going out.  She says she will too.  I go back to doing some bits in my room.

2.15pm – Big Sis is cleaning the bathroom, I am a little surprised since Mum and Dad are on their way and we are both going to have a wash before going out. 

2.30pm – The ‘rents arrive.  Big Sis has only just got in the bath.  Mum comes to my room and says “Oh, you’re not ready.”  I explain that Big Sis has just got in the bath so I am waiting to get washed.  She shows me a bag of old photos she has brought with her, as I am planning to scan some at work.  They don’t give me a birthday card.  I am already feeling a little bit grumpy and not in the mood for celebrating.  I get the feeling Mum was expecting us to be ready to leave straight away and feel annoyed that I can’t do anything while waiting, as I look a state and really want to have a quick bath.  Mum says she is starving as she hasn’t eaten anything.  I offer her the toast and marmalade that I could finish at breakfast.

3.00pm – I ask Big Sis if she is nearly finished.  Bro-in-Law is going to get in there after her (to save water, they usually do this).  They seem to be taking ages.

3.15pm – Dad shouts up to ask what’s going on.  I haven’t been downstairs as I can feel the atmosphere getting tense.  I go down to speak to him and he gives me a hug.  It becomes clear that Mum hasn’t mentioned to him her plan to go out for ‘lunch’.  He says he has made me a cake and hands over a chocolate cream-filled sponge.  Mum is sat on an armchair looking a little pissed off.  She says something about the fact that she is really hungry and is going to get a migraine and that maybe they should just go.  I ask what she is going to do, as Bro-in-Law is now in the bathroom and I can’t get ready until he is finished.  I say that if she doesn’t want to wait then they should go, as she needs to eat.  She replies that we were meant to be going out to eat, but ‘no-one seems that interested.’

3.30pm – Big Sis finally appears, dressed and ready.  Dad is confused about what is going on and I explain that Mum had wanted to go out to lunch.  Mum is doing her usual thing of not saying much but giving off rays of negativity when she is annoyed. I go to the kitchen to check the cake and see if it will fit in the fridge.  I come back out and Mum has just gone out of the front door.  Dad tells me they are leaving.  I give him a hug and then go to the door to say goodbye to Mum, but she is already in the car.  I can’t be bothered to try and stop them.  I’m upset that I just wanted a quiet day without drama and didn’t mind not celebrating, but everything seems to have still gone wrong.  I feel a bit hurt that I always seem to be the one who ends up feeling bad and responsible.  I wonder who the lunch was really for, since no-one has asked me how I feel or what I want to do, but allegedly I am the one at the centre of it.  I speak to Samson and tell him we aren’t going out to lunch anymore.  He is still a little way away, there have been no trains to my house and he left his house at 2.00pm.

3.45pm – I finally get to go in the bathroom and lie in the bath feeling generally pretty rubbish.  Samson arrives while I am in the bath after an almost 2-hour long journey.  I have pretty much lost the will to do anything.

4.00pm – I get out of the bath and find Samson in my room, greeting me enthusiastically and giving me a card and present.  He gives me a big hug and I start to cry.  I just want to get back in bed.  The intermittent messages I have been receiving from various people saying “I hope you are having a fabulous day!” and so on are making me feel worse.  I get ready really slowly, not really knowing quite what I am doing and feeling tired as I haven’t eaten since about 10.30am.  There isn’t much food in the house and I don’t feel like cooking.  We decide to go back to Samson’s later.  I don’t have the heart to make him get back on public transport so soon after such a long journey. 

5.00pm – Big Sis and Bro-in-Law decide to go out to eat, seeing as they had both got ready to go out and haven’t had lunch either.  I tell them we will be leaving so might not be home when they get home.

6.30pm – I am finally ready after taking my time pottering around and watching the last results of the football season for the Premier League.  It is a close-run battle to avoid relegation between about 4 teams.  Samson asks if I want to go out to eat.  I am not in the mood to care much,  I am so hungry by now that I just want some food in my belly.  I get my stuff together and we go downstairs, then I remember I need to refrigerate the cake.  I cut and wrap a quarter of it to take with us, then try to rearrange things to make space for the plate on one of the shelves. 

7.00pm – we are finally leaving.  As we open the front door, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law are just arriving.  They had a nice Sunday roast at a local restaurant.  Samson and I go to the station and there are no trains whatsoever.  We walk down the road to get the bus, planning to get off halfway and get the tube.  I suggest we eat at Wagamama in Victoria, as the food is quick but healthy.

7.40pm – we arrive at Wagamama and discover it closes at 8.00pm.  There is no point, I am not in the mood for rushing my meal in 20 minutes.  We decide to get the tube back to Samson’s, although because of engineering works, it will stop a station short and we will have to walk/get a bus from there.  Samson is adamant that I shouldn’t have fast food on my birthday, but I am too hungry by now and don’t care.  I suggest we just go out for a meal on another evening.  I just need to eat and I want to be home at 9pm to watch Orphan.

8.40pm – after a long tube journey, then a longer than necessary bus journey, we arrive at Samson’s, KFC in hand (he still feels bad that we are having KFC for my birthday dinner, but it’s fast and is 2 minutes from his place).  The food tastes good after 10 hours of no eating.  We settle down to watch the film and things feel better again.  “I’m sorry we didn’t do anything special for your birthday,” he says later.  “This is all I wanted to do for my birthday,” I reply, “Just chill with you.”  I had forgotten how relaxed I always feel around him.  He is the only person all day who has asked me what I want to do.

11.00pm – the film is over.  I really enjoyed it, it was just the right amount of scary for me.  We watch some of the football highlights and then go to bed.  I start feeling low again and upset about how rubbish this birthday has been.  I feel a little resentful about being there for people and trying to be a good friend, but feeling like no-one returns the favour to make an effort for me.  Samson tries to comfort me as I cry, but I just want to forget the day even happened.  He suggests we could go away for my birthday next year.  We talk and I feel better and we finally get to sleep a while later.

I am writing this birthday off.  This has been the worst in a while, the worst I can remember before this was when the boyfriend who had broken up with me less than a month before insisted he be invited to my birthday celebration, confused me by kissing me while we were out, and then ruined my evening when I found him talking in a cosy corner to another girl.  Things are definitely better now, but I am still writing this one off.  I think I will go into self-imposed hiding next year.

In The Middle

I hate being in the middle. I don't much like conflict. I am also fed up of trying to be a pacifier. In the US, they use the term 'pacifier' for the things they give to babies to suck on to keep them quiet. Know what they call those here? Dummies. Interesting.

Yesterday, we went to church earlier than usual. Mum had been asked to lead out in one of the Bible study classes and then the three of us were leading the praise and worship singing in the main service. I had gone to sleep at 8.00pm on Friday night and woken up after eleven hours' sleep at 7.00am the next morning, still feeling quite rough and with a sore throat. Mum was still not feeling 100% after having colds and flu all week and Dad stayed at home because he had got sick after looking after Mum. Luckily, my throat held out and we managed to sing everything OK. When we got home, we ate the leftover toast from breakfast because we were all feeling famished. Big Sis went on Mum's laptop, which isn't unusual. She was watching a sermon online while Mum cooked a hot lunch. I helped Mum for a little bit, then told her about the graduation that was taking place on Sunday for the lay-preaching course we had been attending. I had already decided that I didn't want to go, for various reasons, but now I wasn't feeling well, I knew it was the best idea. Mum mentioned that she might go so that she could take photos of Big Sis, but then when she heard Bro-in-Law was going, she said, "Oh, well that's good, he can take some photos then."

We all talked over lunch, but Big Sis continued to watch the program. We were half-watching, but were talking as well, while we ate our food. After the sermon, there was a musical presentation, but I wasn't really feeling it. I made that clear, being slightly obnoxious on purpose because Big Sis sometimes does the same when I am watching things she doesn't like. The difference is that I watch such things in my own room, on my own television or laptop, not in a shared space that means she is forced to watch it. Mum wasn't feeling the music either and asked Big Sis to turn it off, but she didn't. Dad had just gone upstairs, probably for a rest, so Mum followed not long after. I needed the bathroom, so went to the one upstairs. I didn't particularly want to sit there listening to music I wasn't enjoying.

When I went upstairs, Mum and Dad were resting and so I decided to do the same and had a nap in their room. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that Big Sis would take this personally, seeing as we all left the room within about five minutes of each other. But she knew we didn't want to watch what she was watching and since she insisted on continuing to do so, even after Mum asked her to switch it off, you would have thought she would have been pleased to be left alone to watch what she wanted in peace.

Fast forward to two hours later and Mum and I woke up, feeling hot and dehydrated. Dad had already gone downstairs. We weren't even intending to have a long nap, but obviously both needed it because we were both feeling under the weather. I got dressed and got my stuff ready, then went downstairs. Big Sis was still watching stuff on the laptop. We had a hot drink and then Mum went to the hall over the road to say a quick hello to some old church friends who had hired it that evening for a party for our friend's 50th birthday. When she came back, we watched Harry Hill's TV Burp, which Big Sis watched with us. The X-Factor was on afterwards. Sometime during the program, I could feel something change. I could feel a slight bad vibe coming from Big Sis since I had expressed my dislike of the music program she had been watching earlier, but it suddenly got worse. I was sitting on her right and got the feeling out of the corner of my eye that she might be crying.

After a while, Mum was going to give us a lift home, so we got up to leave. Big Sis mentioned something to Dad about having a family meeting about some shared bills we have to sort out. "Not now," said Dad, as we were obviously about to leave. "I know not now," said Big Sis, visibly irritated, "but if we don't set a time then nothing gets sorted out, does it?" Her tone was disapproving and I knew that my instinct had been right. We prayed before we left and said our goodbyes to Dad, then got in the car.

Not long after we had driven off, Big Sis said to Mum, in an upset tone, "Mum, are you coming to my graduation tomorrow?"

Sensing the tone and what was about to happen, Mum was silent for a moment and then said, "No, I wasn't going to especially."

"But if Em was going, then you would," Big Sis replied, unable to hide the anger in her voice.

"No, not necessarily," Mum replied calmly.

"Yeah, you would," said Big Sis. I waited for it to begin.

That's when she kicked off, saying in tears that she was fed up of being ignored in this family and that it was like she had to compete to be heard and that no-one was interested in her or her life or anything she wanted to say. I asked how she had been ignored and what she wanted to talk about. "Anything," she replied, "anything that I want to talk about." I didn't really have anything to say, not really knowing what the point of arguing with her was, and knowing that most of this was probably directed at Mum. "What's the point of me coming here at the weekend?" she said, "I might as well stay at home with my husband." She made several more outbursts on the way home, and I was willing Mum to say something back to her, but Mum kept silent. We stopped on the way to pick up a newspaper for Dad, which I got out to buy as usual. I wondered if Mum might talk to her while I was in the shop. I stopped to get out cash to buy me a bit more time. As I went to pay, the guy at the till was talking to his female colleague. I see both of them virtually every week, as we usually stop at the same place to get the paper. I handed him my cash and my points card. He looked at me in a way I couldn't quite work out and I was conscious that I wasn't as friendly as I might usually be because of what had been happening in the car.

"Don't you think they should put the full name on these cards?" he said to his colleague, holding up my points card, which had my initial and surname on it. "Then you wouldn't need to say to someone, 'I like your smile miss, what is your name?', and give them a cheesy line, you could just see it on their card."

His female colleague gave him an unimpressed look and looked at me, shaking her head.

"I like your smile, miss," he said to me while handing me my change, "Can I ask you your name?"

"No," I said, sort of laughing and looking at his colleague, who I usually have a chat to when I see, and who was still giving me a sympathetic look.

"See," he said to her as I started to turn to walk away, "it's not a good line!"

I was laughing a little, but dreading getting back into the car. Once I did, things were still silent. They pretty much remained so until we got to the petrol station opposite our road and Mum asked me to put some petrol in the car. I was happy to get out of the atmosphere again and put £20 in, laughing when I over-filled by 1p. We got home and I expected Big Sis to get out of the car as soon as she could, in which case I was going to stay behind and talk to Mum. But she didn't. I wondered if they might want to talk, so I started to get my stuff and thanked Mum for the lift and then got out of the car, but Big Sis started to get out too. I waved goodbye to Mum and we went indoors. Bro-in-Law wasn't home and Big Sis asked me about the shared bills we were sorting out and why I hadn't paid what I had said I was going to. I explained that I had tried on more than one occasion this week to do so online like I usually do, but it wasn't letting the payment go through.

"Have you still got enough?" she asked, still with the accusatory tone that she had kept with all evening. I explained that I might not be able to pay quite as much as I had hoped, but definitely most of it. "Have you been helping Mum out with something I don't know about, or something?" she quizzed, "Because I know how I always get left out."

I was stuck between just wanting to either laugh in her face, shout at her in frustration, or tell her to grow up. "No," I answered, "I don't know what you're trying to say, but I don't know anything more than you do." I could hear her starting to say something back, but I dropped the things I had bought in the kitchen and then took my things upstairs.

I am so fed up of these random outbursts she has once a year or every two years, suggesting that everyone is against her or that our parents favouritise me over her. I was especially irritated by the fact that she was suggesting we don't want to talk to her or that we ignore her, when the fact of the matter is, she made no effort to start conversation with any of us, or even join in the existing conversation because she was so determined to watch whatever she wanted to watch on the laptop. Our parents don't take an extra interest in what I do, any more than they do in what she does. The difference is that I go to see them every week and when I do, I talk to them and offer up information about what is going on with me. They don't always ask me about my life. But that's how they are. I don't take that to mean that they don't want to know or don't care. But Big Sis seems to want everyone to chase after her and tease any information out of her, despite the fact that she seems more interested in checking what people are doing on Facebook than talking to the parents whose house she is visiting.

The fact is, I have gone to their house to stay on Friday evening every week for the past three years. Big Sis came some of the time, but obviously leading up to her getting married and after she got married, she didn't bother as much. Sometimes, I didn't always feel like it. But I knew that they liked having us round to visit or to stay. That was my choice. When Big Sis didn't go to see them, that was her choice. Why is it my fault that they know more about what I am up to because I choose to spend more time with them, or make the effort to keep them informed when I do spend time with them? I am really bored of being made to feel bad, just because I act a certain way and Big Sis chooses to act a different way. I can't count the number of times I have tried to act as a go-between in my family, trying to smooth things out between my Mum and my sister.

I was feeling really uncomfortable, knowing that I would now have to live with this horrible atmosphere while Mum returned home and wondering what other things Big Sis would find to have a go at me about. I texted The Mrs and asked if she had time for a chat. She isn't feeling too well either, so we were talking about that and then I told her about my situation. She felt bad that she couldn't offer more advice or say much in return, as she wasn't feeling well, but I think I just needed to get it off my chest. We spoke for quite a while and I was grateful that she just listened and allowed me to let off steam. After we spoke I called my Mum. I asked if she was going to the graduation and suggested that maybe she should, because it would probably help things. She said that Big Sis hadn't even talked to her about it or even asked her to go and she didn't think that her outburst in the car really counted as an invitation. As it was, she still wasn't feeling well. She said that if Big Sis had asked her to go properly, then by all means she would have gone without a second thought. But as it was, she hadn't even been told that guests could come. I hadn't mentioned it to her myself because I had decided not to go and to be honest I wasn't that bothered about it. I wouldn't have bothered asking her even if I was going. I asked if she had said anything to Big Sis in the car, but she said that she had just stayed quiet, not wanting to get into the argument and feeling stressed enough with other things going on as it is. She said that since Friday evening, Big Sis had just been on the laptop the whole time and not bothered to make any conversation with her or Dad, so how on earth could she then accuse them of not wanting to talk to her, when she wasn't being sociable in the first place? I could see Mum's point of view and I didn't want to persuade her to go to the graduation if she wasn't feeling well. She said that she was pleased when she heard Bro-in-Law was going and thought maybe she should leave them to it, as Big Sis is married now and maybe Mum should let her husband support her and shouldn't get involved. "But I think she wants you to be involved, Mum," I suggested, "but she just didn't ask you." "Well exactly," Mum replied, "she didn't ask." She said that she might go but she was still feeling unwell and would have to see how she felt in the morning. She told me to just be patient with my sister. Hmm. I'm trying.

I eventually went to sleep after about 1.30am, probably because of my almost 3-hour nap that afternoon. I woke up a few times and found it hard to get back to sleep properly, but drifted in and out of sleep until my alarm when off at about 9.30. Suddenly I heard a car outside and I sneaked a peak out of the window to see that Mum had arrived. I was really pleased. I was hoping she wasn't feeling too unwell, but I think it was a good thing to do. I stayed in bed till I heard them all leave, then got up, feeling excited to have an empty house as a rare treat. I hope that Big Sis might appreciate Mum's gesture, but I worry that she will see it as vindication of sorts, or proof that the accusations she made are true. I am enjoying the peace and quiet of having the house to myself while I can. I'm not really looking forward to them returning home. No matter what I do, there will be something that I've done that is not right.

Tidying Up

Not enough at home, too much at work.

Big Sis was pissed last night. Not in the British, 'drunken' sense, but in the American, 'rather irritated' sense. I found out this morning that it was partly due to her frustration that Bro-in-Law and I don't do enough to help around the house. I can only speak for myself, but in doing so, I have to admit that her statement is true. I've known for a while that I need to buck up, not just on shared chores, but on my own, too.

Last night, I intended to do some washing up, laundry and so on. But after my first gym date in almost a year, I felt tired and as soon as I sat down, it was over. I was feeling conscious that I should really do something, but I hate that feeling of not being able to enjoy a rest when I feel I need it. I didn't give into the guilt, but perhaps I should have. I spoke to The Mrs for a bit, watched some TV and generally laid on my bed feeling like my limbs were way too heavy.

My room is still a tip, but last weekend I had moved out no less than four bin bags of clothes and one of shoes out of my room to go to charity. I had been planning to sell some of it, but if you've read any of blog in the past year, you'll know that I talk much about my eBay intentions, but in reality, most of my actual activity involves buying, rather than selling. I reached breaking point and decided to just get rid of it all. No point holding onto stuff with the idea of selling in some day, when it is taking up valuable space in the here and now. I'm downsizing and it's about time.

The bags had been temporarily placed on the landing on Saturday evening. Big Sis had mentioned that she could ask Bro-in-Law's dad to take them to the charity shop for me, but she was going to look through them first in case there were any clothes she wanted to keep. When I got home and went upstairs, it took few moments to realise they had gone.

"Where are the bags???" I called downstairs.

Bro-in-Law informed me that his dad had already taken them away.

"Yeahhh!" I shouted, skipping downstairs to give him a double high five. "High five!" I said to Big Sis, who looked less than enthusiastic.

"No, I'm not going to high five," she replied, "I hadn't even looked through it yet."

Oops. "Oh no," I said, "Well. No high five. Sorry about that."

Feeling awkward, I went back upstairs to relax a bit, as mentioned earlier. I kept thinking that I should do some washing up as planned, or at least a bit of tidying in my room, but I just couldn't summon the energy or the motivation. Sometime after 11.00pm, there was some sort of commotion and it seemed like someone was kicking off. I came out of my room to investigate and Bro-in-Law explained Big Sis was upset. I went downstairs after her and she told me she was "Fed up and I don't want to talk about it. Just go away!" She was really angry and I didn't really know what to do, so I just did as I was told and went away. I felt horrible. I hate that atmosphere of anger and upset and suddenly I realised why. I was reminded of times growing up, where if Mum was angry about something then the whole house had to know about it. I was reminded of times when The Ex would get serious road rage or we would have an argument and I was in the car with him, trapped in the horrible atmosphere. I was reminded of times when we had arguments and he would shout at me so that I just retreated into my shell and said nothing. I remembered times where he would shout angrily, "Why don't you just argue back??!" because my silence frustrated him, but he didn't realise that his anger stifled me. I remembered the times where I would shout back and would be so fuming with anger that I would be in tears and would walk out of his house, slamming the door behind me and walking home while he tried to call me to tell me to come back.

I remembered all of these things and the memories upset me. I didn't want to be involved, so I turned off my light and tried to go to sleep. I started crying and suddenly had an urge to call someone, but realised I didn't really have anyone to call. It was late, The Mrs has her own stuff going on at the moment, Lolly has been taking on a lot of my gripes lately and to be honest, I felt silly calling anyone to say I was upset about something so random and unimportant. Times like this always highlight that I don't have a boyfriend, the person you can call at any time because you know they will comfort you, no matter what the problem is or how trivial it may seem. I am going to have to learn to deal with things like this on my own.

The Culmination

It's Miss T's birthday today. She thinks working on one's birthday is illegal, so rightly took the day off. I gave her a box each of Ferrero Rocher and mint Matchsticks yesterday. I got a text on my way to work this morning saying, "Thank you. I'll be fat when I get in on Monday." Er...I know I gave her two of her favourite kinds of chocolates, but I wasn't suggesting she finish them this weekend! Lol.

Boss Lady is off tomorrow, so today was a little busy as we finished up all the outstanding things we had been working on. A colleague in finance was pissing us both off by asking lots of last-minute queries, perhaps in part because she knew I was moving on. The last thing I needed to add to my to-do list was random queries involving information to a level of detail I failed to believe she really needed.

I had woken up feeling really hungry for some reason, so my usual two slices of toast in the office didn't really scratch the surface. By 12.30, I had to go and get me a chicken fajita wrap (it's my standard lunch pick of late) as my brain was wandering off the costs I was adding up for an invoice and onto take-away menus and yummy stuff.

The day seemed to fly by and I managed to cross off quite a few tasks on my to-do list. The things that would remain outstanding were much fewer, or at least less horrendous, than I had first anticipated, weren't going to kill anyone if I just had to hand them over and frankly, weren't going to be my problem anymore.

Before I knew it, it was nearing 5.00pm. "Oh, I keep forgetting to give you this," said Boss Lady, producing a potted plant from under her desk, wrapped with green tissue paper and cellophane. "It's a plant for your new desk," she said. My new desk hasn't been decided formally yet, but it is going to be one of three that are much closer to the entrance barriers, which are notorious for irritating students trying to ask questions across the barriers, in an attempt to avoid waiting in line to speak to someone at the main desk. "You can place it strategically on your desk so that you can hide behind it," she suggested, which I thought was a fabulous idea. "Is it a peace lily?" I asked, for a second getting them muddled up in my mind with calla lilies. "Yes," she confirmed, which seemed appropriate to help me fend off the increasing aggravation I am no doubt going to experience if I am getting bugged by cheeky queue-jumping students all day. I thanked her for the gift and asked what time she was leaving. "I was going to leave at 5.00pm," she said, which induced panic when I realised it was already 4.50pm and I had just remembered I hadn't even written her card yet. I sneakily did so once she had returned to her desk. I thanked her for being such a fab boss, telling her that I especially appreciated all her encouragement and support over the past, rather difficult, year. I wished her lots of happiness with her future plans, both in and outside of work. "Oh, it's not going to be the same," she said, doing a sad face. I pouted back. "I know, I might have to just come and sit here for a few minutes when I get back in on Monday."

Boss Lady eventually got up to leave at just after 5.30pm. She came by my desk on the way out to say goodbye and I handed her the card, which she seemed surprised about. "Aww," she said, "Shall we hug?" So we did. :o) "Have a lovely weekend in Budapest," I said, as she left. My new boss Flame-Grilled was the only other person in the office. "Make sure you look after her," she said to him, on her way out.

I stayed another 45 minutes, then headed out, feeling absolutely shattered and a little bit low. I stopped at the station to get food, before getting onto my train, getting a seat and feeling thankful to be nearing home. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Boss Lady. Thank you for the lovely card! Just reading it on the train now. :-) All the best to you too...you've earned it, I'm so glad you persevered! xx

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly I felt upset and could feel the tears welling up quicker than I could stop them. I tried to bite my lip and hold it in, but I didn't have the resolve. A man opposite was carrying some flowers for someone special and was smiling to himself, which somehow didn't seem to help. I looked determinedly out of the window and tried to stop the emotion from overwhelming me, but I have never been so close to actually audibly sobbing in public. I don't even know exactly why. I think it was the culmination and combination of stress and relief at the fact that this week is nearly over. More than that, I think it is the culmination of the stress of the whole past year and relief that this year is nearly over. Tears were falling down my face and I felt thankful that I am a bit Mary Poppins and carry everything in my bag, so had some tissues to hand.

I texted Lolly and asked her to make me laugh because I was embarrassing myself on the train by being in floods of tears. After two stops, I had managed to calm down slightly and replied to Boss Lady's text, before starting to write a blog on my BB to distract me. By the time I got home, I felt a little calmer. Bro-in-Law was sat in the living room when I got home and we said our hellos, before I randomly said, “No, I didn’t get Burger King for dinner, Bro-in-Law! What do you mean?! How dare you make such accusations!” He started chuckling at me and said “Feeling guilty, then?” We chatted for a bit and then Big Sis arrived home from an errand. I checked my phone and realised I had missed a call from Lolly and had a text from her, trying to make me laugh and checking I was OK. I felt tired and drained and still a bit weird, but I also felt a small sense of relief that for better or worse, things were going to change, even if just a little.

The Joy of Pizza

I got home tonight after having eaten nothing, except a nectarine and an apple, all day (oh, and a few biscuits from our team treat box). I still hadn’t received the bank card for my new account, so had no access to money, other than bring the print-out confirming my bank details to the bank branch and ask to withdraw money at the counter. Did I remember to bring the print-out with me? No, that would be too organised. Instead, I forgot it at home and had to last the day without any money for lunch. I got home exhausted and hungry. Big Sis was looking pretty tired herself, and no-one had eaten dinner yet, so after a very short time pondering, I decided to order pizza.

I ordered from Dominos online and am loving their new ‘progress of order’ page, that automatically updates at each stage of your order. It went from ‘Order received’ to ‘In the oven’ in a matter of minutes, and before long, was showing as ‘On the road.’ I was so hungry, but found a burst of energy sufficient to do a little dance of excitement when it said that. Soon it arrived and we were all stuffing our faces. We had a Veg-a-roma for Big Sis and Bro-in-Law and I shared our own concoction of chicken, ground beef, black olives, sundried tomato & garlic pizza sauce and herbs. We had potato wedges and chicken strippers on the side (no, they aren’t exotic dancers of the chicken variety). I wanted to update the progress of the order to ‘In my belly,’ but sadly the option wasn’t available.

We watched episode four of Flash Forward as we ate, Bro-in-Law filling me in on the basic back-story, since I haven’t got around to watching episodes one to three just yet. It was pretty good, so I decided I would probably have to catch the previous episodes online and get up to speed. Soon, 9.00pm had come and gone and I had promised to give The Mrs a call, so I retreated upstairs. She missed my calls, but called me back a while later. We had a chat about some things and then when we realised it was 10.45pm, we decided to call it a night and I watched some TV, while slowly getting drowsy. It was one of those lovely evenings where doing nothing felt like something.

Dad's Dinner

The morning of Dad’s birthday, Tuesday 10th, Mum sent and email to me, Big Sis and Bigger Sis. Mum had previously said that they had nothing planned and weren’t going to do anything special, so Big Sis and I said we would just come along to their house after work, to spend the evening with Dad. But instead, she suggested that we surprise Dad by going out for a meal near our place and that Bigger Sis come too. We agreed that it would be a nice idea and easier for us all travel-wise than getting to theirs, so Big Sis booked us a table at a local Thai restaurant. Unfortunately, Bro-in-Law has uni that night and so can’t come with us.

I arrived home that evening a bit later than intended, after stopping in HMV to buy Dad a present. Bigger Sis was already there, chatting with Big Sis. I laughed at the fact that I knew this as soon as I entered the front door, due to the two large bags on the hallway floor. Bigger Sis is prepared for any occasion and a self-confessed bag lady. Must be where I get it from. :o) We had a hug and a quick chat, then realised we had to get moving since the table was booked for 6.30pm and it was already that time. We could make the ten-minute walk with relative ease, secure in the knowledge that Mum and Dad are usually notoriously late and would never get there before us. Again, must be where I get it from. :o)

As we walked, Bigger Sis informed us that she had got herself the ultimate lazy person’s exercise machine. “As you get older, even if you’re relatively fit, every just starts to get looser,” she explained, much to our amusement, “your muscles just gradually start detaching themselves from your bones.” She told us about this machine for lazy people: “It’s a vibrator,” she started. “Er…I think that’s something else…” I interrupted, laughing. “Yeah, all right,” she said, smiling, “I’ve already had my workmates saying all this. I’ve already told them it doesn’t come with attachments.” She continued to explain that it is a vibrating plate that you simply had to stand on for no more than ten minutes, three times a week. Like those muscle toning pads that tense your muscles for you without any effort on your part, the vibrations apparently tone up your muscles without you having to do anything at all. “It’s not aerobic, though,” she warned, “so it won’t make you fit, but it does help tone everything up, it’s working already!”

Big Sis and I were extremely intrigued and vowed to give this thing a go when we go to Bigger Sis’ house for lunch in a few weeks’ time. We giggled and made silly comments about it all the way to the restaurant, which we arrived at in good time. Even though it is only a ten-minute walk from my house and it has been there for fifteen-twenty years, I have never actually been to the restaurant before. It soon became clear that Big Sis had, as when we entered, the wait staff seemed to be on first-name terms with her, which we then tease her about for the rest of the evening. The interior of the restaurant was beautiful. It’s a Thai place and the ceiling was covered with opened, upturned, colourful, far-eastern style umbrellas. There was lots of gold in the décor, but tastefully so. The waitresses looked lovely in their uniforms of typical Thai dress. The waiter is called Sam and has a chat to Big Sis, who informs him that we are her sisters. I don’t think he gets what she is saying, at first. When he takes our drink orders, he asks me “Are you her sister?” “Yes,” I reply, “all of us are sisters.” He looks at me like he doesn’t understand for a second. “Honestly!” I say, “None of us look alike, do we?”

Bigger Sis had brought a cake with her, as agreed with Mum, and Big Sis brought the candles. Big Sis had asked when booking the table if it was okay for us to bring our own cake and they graciously obliged. They passed the cake on to the waitresses to keep in the back until the meal was over. “Whose birthday is it?” Sam enquired and we explained that it was Dad’s and he would be arriving with Mum quite soon. “What’s your Dad’s name?” he asked and Big Sis told him, then Bigger Sis said with suspicion, “Oh no, you probably shouldn’t sing to him, I don’t think he’d like that!”

Not long afterwards, Mum and Dad arrive. Mum had told Dad that they were driving to pick me and Big Sis up from home, to take us back to their house for food, or maybe somewhere nearby. Dad is not really expecting to go to a restaurant and certainly not expecting to see Bigger Sis with us. He looks pleasantly surprised as they turn the corner from the entrance into the restaurant and see us sitting at the table. There are big hugs all round. They order drinks and we all giggle when Mum drains her mango juice. Er…were you thirsty, Mum?!

We give Dad his birthday cards. Bigger Sis has bought Dad a Spike Milligan card which he loves, and a silly coaster which says, ‘You only get better as you get older. Unless you’re a banana.’ Bigger Sis has also bought Dad some tea. “I couldn’t think what to get you. But I know you drink tea and you can always use some more.” She has also brought some DVDs with her that she promised Dad she would lend him. Big Sis and I got Dad the latest Harry Hill’s TV Burp DVD, partly because we know he’ll like it (and secretly because I just want to watch it with him).

Sam had to come back several times to check if we are ready to order, because we are talking so much and the menu is so vast. Not good for a food lover as indecisive as me. The menu had great names, like ‘Volcano Chicken’, ‘Jungle Beef’ and ‘Drunkard’s Noodles’. I crack up when, after jokingly complaining that he “can’t find fish and chips” on the menu, Dad manages to stick to the English stereotype by finding the only thing in the Thai restaurant that has potatoes in it! “That’s why I ordered it,” he says to me matter-of-factly, smiling.

Once we had finally ordered our food, we sit talking until we hear a phone start ringing quite loudly, with the old-school Nokia ringtone. “Is that mine?” Bigger Sis asks, then answers her own question with, “It must be, no-one else has that old ringtone!” I look in her bag and confirm her suspicions as I see the green glow of an old mobile phone screen. She answers and finds it is Big Bro, calling from Cape Town. It is perfect timing – for one, because he didn’t know we were going out to eat this evening since it was a last-minute arrangement; secondly, because he wasn’t to know that Bigger Sis would be there either; thirdly, because he called in the short space of time after us ordering our food and before it actually arrived. “Do you want to speak to the birthday boy?” Bigger Sis asks. Dad has a chat to Big Bro for a while and then afterwards passes the phone to me. I speak to him and ask how the rest of the family are and tell him that Dad managed to order the only Thai dish that contained potatoes, which he finds very amusing. He asks about work and I tell him that I am starting a new job soon. “Oh that’s good,” he says, “Is it more interesting?” “Er…no, I don’t think so,” I say, laughing, “but it pays better, so I suppose that makes it more interesting!” I eventually pass the phone back to Bigger Sis, after sending all our love to his family, then they have a good old natter until the food arrives. Someone next to us has ordered the ‘Volcano Chicken’ which lives up to its name, as it is flambéed with a shot of cognac which promptly sends huge flames upwards, threatening to set the beautiful ceiling of umbrellas alight.

The table is full of food. We have ordered a main dish each, as well as two vegetable dishes (garlic spinach and mixed seasonal vegetables) on the side for us to share. Big Sis and I go halves with our egg fried rice and garlic fried rice (the garlic rice is delicious). There are three of the same dish with cashew nuts, but with different ingredients: tofu for Big Sis, chicken for Bigger Sis and Lamb for Mum. I had chicken with ginger and some other yummy stuff. The food isn’t quite as spicy as we hoped, especially since Bigger Sis asked for hers to me medium spicy, but the flavours are delicious. Dad has an impressive copper two-handled pan for his curry, which he really enjoys; the lamb is very tender and the potatoes are…well, potatoes! He finishes the whole lot, but is slightly disappointed with the salad he ordered on the side, which winds up being spicier than the curry!

Soon, we start to get full. The table is cleared and we ask them for a doggy bag for the excess. As they take away all the dishes, Big Sis subtly asks them to bring the cake. We chat for a little while, looking at the dessert menus to disguise our sneaky plan, then all of a sudden, four of the wait staff appear. They have apparently taken Bigger Sis’ suggestion that they not sing and amusingly translated it as ‘sing loudly and bring instruments.’ They carry the cake in, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ accompanied by maracas and a tambourine. I am cracking up with laughter and Dad looks suitably embarrassed/impressed/amused. They leave us the cake and don’t make much of a fuss, which is perfect. Dad eventually blows out the candles and attempts to start cutting the cake using the torture-like utensils they have left us. The cake is from Patisserie Valerie and is beautiful but very simple – a square chocolate sponge, extremely light, with a layer of whipped cream – almost like a huge tiramisu. It is topped with five strawberries, which works out perfectly for one each.

Bigger Sis apologises that it probably won’t live up to Dad’s own cakes, but he really enjoys it. It is just the right amount of sweet and not heavy at all, so doesn’t make us feel sick after our mammoth meal. There is a slice left which Dad and Bigger Sis encourage one of us to finish, even though we probably should take it home for Bro-in-Law. “He doesn’t know there was a cake,” says Big Sis jokingly, which makes Bigger Sis roar with laughter. “Yeah Dad,” I tease, “all those cakes you give us to take home, never make it to Bro-in-Law.” Mum seals the deal by cutting the slice and eventually, Big Sis and I make everyone laugh by taking it in turns to say “Oh, that side’s not even. I better even it out by eating this little bit.”

Soon, we decide it is probably time to leave. It’s not quite 10.00pm. Big Sis goes to orders take-out for Bro-in-Law. We pay the bill and leave a generous tip and then Sam helps us with our coats. They give Dad a little golden elephant key ring as a memento, which is really quite sweet. We thank them for a really lovely evening and then say our goodbyes, with Sam saying farewell and telling Big Sis to “say hello to Bro-in-Law,” which cracks me up.

We convince Mum and Dad to come back to ours for a cuppa (or a tipple, in Bigger Sis’ case). We take our time making tea, then chat and giggle over our beverages while eating the odd biscuit from the organic selection Bigger Sis has randomly given us. After a while, Dad seems ready to go home. It has been a really enjoyable evening and most importantly, it seems that Dad really enjoyed himself. We hug and kiss before they leave, then Bigger Sis gets ready and we walk her to the station for the next train. We keep her company for the few minutes until the train arrives. “Text us when you get home,” I tell her, as she gets on the train. “OK,” she answers, “but if I don’t, don’t be offended, will you?” We wave and blow kisses goodbye, then Big Sis and I crack up on the walk home about her logic. Er…okay, we won’t be offended, but how will we know you got home all right?! Lol!

Dad is doing so well for his age and we are so blessed that he has been in good health and of sound mind for yet another year. It was a perfect evening. I hope we have many more like that to come.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

It's my Pops' birthday today. He's a grand old age, but I won't reveal it here. :o) We didn't have anything planned, so I was going to go to their house after work just to spend the evening with him. But Mum emailed suggestions this morning for dinner this evening, so we are going to surprise him with a dinner at a Thai restaurant tonight - me, Big Sis, Bigger Sis and Mum. Bro-in-Law has a lecture at uni, so unfortunately can't come. Bigger Sis is bringing a cake! Dad doesn't really want for much nowadays, but I think he will be more than happy with a quiet family gathering.

Happy Birthday, Daddy Ducks!!!

Meetings and Massages

I arrived home, feeling exhausted and starving. Hmm, what did I eat today? Two plums, a mince pie (my first of the festive season,yum), some BBQ beef Hula Hoops and...oh, that's it. That explains a lot. It was a long day. Boss Lady went to speak to Miss T first thing about something and when I looked up,she was in tears. I asked what had happened and she explained that she had found this morning that her auntie had died, suddenly, at the age of fifty-two. It had come as a huge shock. I'm not surprised, fifty-two is way too young to go. It was made worse because her mum lives abroad now and was devastated she hadn't been here. Miss T and I asked questions, made sympathetic noises and tried to be supportive. I made things worse in my own special way by handing her a tissue which I forgot was one of those menthol ones. You're not crying enough! Rub this in your eyes, dammit! Oops.

It was National Stress Awareness Day today at work. I don't know if it actually was national, or if indeed most of us even need a special day to make us aware of stress, but the reason I mention it is because there were various activities for staff throughout the day. As soon as I had seen the email advertising it a week or so ago, I clicked the link straight away, knowing that they have organised similar events in the past and that the activities booked up pretty quickly. There were 10-minute Indian head massages or acupressure massages on offer. Ol' geekypants here was the first to book: last slot of the day, 16:50, just before hometime. Suh-weet.

I hadn't mentioned said massage to Boss Lady before today. Yesterday, I had been pondering the idea of offering the booking to her, knowing the difficult time she has had lately. I was conflicted with the fact that my neck and shoulders have been incredibly tense to the point of painful lately, and could well benefit from a massage, hence my eagerness in booking. But after this latest news, I knew I wouldn't feel right not offering it to her. I emailed her my booking and asked if, in view of all the things she's had going on, she'd like to take my place, while recommending the relaxing effects, based on the free Indian head massage I got last year. Boss Lady emailed back a little while later, saying that she would be okay, but that it was a very thoughtful offer and much appreciated. I told her could still change her mind later if she wanted, feeling much better that I had at least made the suggestion.

At 2.00pm, Boss Lady and I had a meeting with BlankFace, Shoulders (he is a gym freak and does weights, so has broad shoulders and that trademark strut that such people have) and Ms. Sugar (because she reminds me of a much more stylish, female version of Alan Sugar, for no other reason than she is very direct, knows her stuff and is all business, which for one I like, but secondly was necessary in this particular meeting, lol). The meeting was about some of the processes that I deal with and how we are going to go about stream-lining them for from the start of next session and the interim procedures we can put in place to make things easier until then. It frustrates me slightly that we are finally making progress in my area of work, with the support of my managers as well as some quite high-profile academic staff, just in time for me leaving. I feel a little bit rueful that I'm not going to be in post to be involved with the developments or to see the changes implemented.

The meeting finished with lots of questions still outstanding, meaning that we have another meeting to come next week. I returned to my desk, realising that I hadn't eaten any lunch. I went to the shop with Skins and T-Rod, got some crisps and then went back to my desk to try and get some work done. At 4.40pm, I asked Boss Lady if she was sure she didn't want to go for the massage. She assured me that I should go ahead, so I went up to the 5th floor and waited outside the seminar room for my appointment. When it was my turn, I chose the acupressure massage, as I have some knots that desperately need to be worked out of my shoulders. The therapist told me to tell her if it became painful at any time, which it did, but mmm, it hurt so good. Lol. I left feeling better, but still feeling a little bit tense and stiff. Methinks I need more than ten minutes to get my muscles untangled.

Miss T left at 5.15pm, then Boss Lady left about fifteen minutes later. I stayed a while longer, doing a few bits of work while simultaneously editing a couple of blog posts and looking up a few things on the 'net. I eventually left work and wrote most of this post on my way home, making use of the CrackBerry to distract me from the fact that I was tired and hungry and starting to get irritable. When I arrived home, I had a chat to Big Sis about some Facebook politics, then fixed myself some toast as the fastest option for filling my belly. I retreated upstairs and watched Lion Man for a a bit. After a while, Big Sis joined me so that she could borrow my laptop. She took my old laptop off my hands to give to Bro-in-Law for his birthday and he re-installed Windows onto it yesterday and has now sorted out the internet access. Big Sis had used it, but he has forbidden the use of Facebook on it. "My name is Big Sis," she keeps saying, "and I am a Facebookaholic." We did our usual chit-chatting and our special brand of silliness was cracking me up. I made her do a fertility quiz from Stylist magazine and glared at her when I had to ask such questions as "Do you suffer from PMS?" which kept making us laugh.

Eventually, it was time to watch True Blood, so Big Sis went to get ready for bed. True Blood was good, but made me feel a little sad and also a little puzzled about how many other of the good characters are going to get killed off. I didn't call The Ex, mainly because I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but the anxiety of knowing that I will need to speak to him at some point is still there. I am feeling fine most of the time while I am at work, but often, after I get home and as the evening wears on, I find that any good mood starts depleting. Maintaining a positive demeanour and enough motivation to get through the day, along with the regular daily tasks that are necessary for my basic existence, seems to expend my energy to a greater degree than it probably used to. By the time I get home, I feel physically spent and often start to feel emotional due to my mental energy also being at a low. I should be asleep by now, really. I can't believe it is Thursday tomorrow and almost a full week into November. Roll on, weekend. Just don't bring Christmas with you quite yet.

Week In Review #23

You know, every week I seem to be miserable, but at the end of every week when I look back, I seem to remember lots of the good things, even if they were few and far between. I like that I have this built-in selective memory. I only remember the bad things when they occur repeatedly, like when someone lets me down lots of times, or hurts me in a big way. Otherwise, I can be pretty rubbish at keeping grudges. It’s probably just as well!

I honestly can’t really recall much of the past week, so here are the main things that spring to mind:

Crappest News of the Week
That two people in our department are being made redundant and all the temps will be leaving at the end of November. Great news for those people, just before Christmas, eh?

Best Book-End Activities of the Week
Going to two concerts, one at either end of the week, both incredible in completely different ways.

Most 'Aww'-Inducing Event of the Week
The children’s day at church. Those little kiddos rocked. Proof of how creative children can be when they are given the right balance of encouragement, discipline and ownership.

Best Gift of the Week
Big Sis’ gift of a wedding dress to V. She is gonna look soooo purdy!

Biggest Relief of the Week
Applying for a bank account and surprisingly getting a small overdraft approved that should make my life loads easier and that they may even pay me £100 for opening because I transferred all by direct debits from my existing account with another bank. Not to mention the fact that I like the new bank’s uniform (priorities, lol) and both the manager and one of the customer service assistants are both lovely, very friendly and rather good looking in a very clean-cut way (but way too young for me, lol, slightly depressing when your bank manager is way younger than you). I will actually have money to eat for a change (mostly) and might even be able to get new glasses now, instead of squinting at the TV in the evenings after I’ve taken my contacts out. Gangsta!

Toughest News of the Week
That my uncle, who has been in hospital for quite some time and has a leaking blood vessel that they can’t seem to track down, was crying in frustration this week at the fact that the doctors can’t seem to identify the root of the problem. He has been suffering from complications from a previous operation for ages and they can’t seem to treat the cause. It’s so hard being 200 miles away and unable to just pop by and visit him to cheer him up.

Scariest Day of the Week
31st October. No, not because it was Halloween, or even that it was Bro-in-Law’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. Mainly just because it heralded the end of October, meaning there are only 2 months of this year left. What the hell? 2009, where have you gone? We’re a decade into the 2000’s next year…

Best Reading Material of the Week
New blog-post poems from The Mrs! She doesn’t write as much as she used to now, so I love reading them when she does!

Most Laughter-Inducing Event of the Week
Meeting up with The Sisterhood and friends (who from now on in this capacity will probably referred to as the GNOMEs) in a crowded underground bar, being silly as usual and making future plans for many more fun evenings to come.

The weeks are blurring into each other at the moment. It took quite some effort to even remember the little snippets of the past week, let alone anything that went before that. I know I was feeling low this past week, but now it’s gone, all I can remember are the fun parts. I’m not complaining about that.

Moving On, Up and Out

Two weeks ago, on the day I found out about the internal ‘promotion’, before I had even found out about it, I had emailed Lolly and asked if she was thinking about moving out of home any time soon. I know it’s something she would probably be quite keen to do, but I wasn’t sure if it would be feasible for her in the near future, or how tied up she was financially. I have been wanting to do so for a while, even though the initial teething problems we experienced when Big Sis and I first started living together are all now resolved and I love living with her and Bro-in-Law. I am conscious that they need their own space as a married couple, I need my own space, more independence and responsibility as an individual, and they might want to have babies soon! Either way, it seems like the right thing to do sometime in the near future. I am not financially able to do so just yet, but I have been playing around with the figures in my head and know that it could be a feasible possibility in the next 12-18 months. I mentioned this to Lolly and asked if moving out in that time frame was something she would consider. If so, would she like to live somewhere with me? I think that either way, I will aim to make it happen, but there are infinitely better and more affordable options when there are two of you sharing, as opposed to trying to find a one-bedroom place or a studio.

Thankfully, Lolly was up for the idea and so we have decided to make that a medium-term plan and look to making it actually start to happen by this time next year. I probably shouldn’t even have mentioned it here, I don’t like talking about ideas and plans before they have really happened, but looking forward and having a time scale to work to and plan for is really helping me to keep positive and be focused on improving the things in my life that I have control over. I can’t control how other people behave but I can make changes to my living arrangements and my surroundings and that will hopefully improve my overall outlook. I am looking forward to having more freedom and opportunities to be sociable and widening my social circle by actually being able to go out more!

I am feeling more positive and excited at the prospect of finally making some much-needed changes. I know I have a long way still to go and that there will no doubt be more low points and challenges along the way, but at least I will be better equipped to meet them head-on, knowing that all things work together for good. It’s going to take some time, but I am starting the ball rolling so that I can build up enough momentum to push me through the less positive moments. I’m taking tiny steps, making one little change at a time, but at the moment each little movement along the path is progress.

The Week in Review #22 - in which I'm a poet and I don't even know it

My, this week has flown by. Oh, the poetry continues! I didn't even do that on purpose, lol. Thankfully, things went fairly quickly. The week has been an odd one. Quite a rollercoaster of emotions in some way. I have experienced low points, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, disappointment, sympathy, fear, affection and amusement.

My life is a definite case of relational peaks and troughs at the moment. Things seem to improve in one relationship and simultaneously deteriorate in another. No sooner than events have taken an upward turn in one aspect of life, they take a downward turn in another. When things have settled down with one problem, another issue previously lying dormant flares up into action.

I know I have to put things into perspective. People I know personally are dealing with bigger things than I am. I know that everyone's problems are relative, but I am trying to think positively. It's a weird condition I find myself in. On the one hand, when I analyse things and look at things objectively, or just get on with what I need to, I feel relatively content. But it seems to require an effort in order to feel that way. My default setting is still a little bit blank, with a tendency towards melancholy. It's hard to explain. It feels like an internal battle that comes and goes in waves. Generally, I am OK, I can see experiences optimistically and have an emotional stability of sorts. But there are waves of sadness that come and go, causing turbulence in an otherwise relatively calm sea.

Despite all the irritations and the stresses of the week, work was actually somewhat enjoyable, or at least vaguely satisfying. I was busy and have realised that I thrive in a busy and possibly slightly pressurised environment. When things are quiet and sedate and I am left to my own devices, I get easily bored and demotivated. I never used to think of myself as a person who got bored easily, but I have come to know that I am easily distracted and if I have the choice will use my time for personal things, putting off little mundane tasks until they are more urgent, rather than just completing them and getting them out of the way as quickly as possible. I need to be kept busy to keep me out of trouble.

I have really enjoyed talking to The Mrs. (and her Boy) this week, it has cheered me up no end. I have also, to my surprise, enjoyed the few conversations I have had with The Ex. I have really noticed the lack of contact and much missed Lolly Lil. I have been slightly disappointed, but not very surprised, by the pathetically loose translation of contact from NY Guy. Let's not even talk about BFTP, partly because in that situation there is nothing of note to talk about. I have received much entertainment from my conversations with Miss T. I have liked talking to Mr. G in the quiet moments when Miss T wasn't around. I have enjoyed spending time talking with Big Sis and chatting with Bro-in-Law. I have engaged in a really interesting, amusing and lovely conversation with my Mum this evening. I have had a couple of unprecedented interactions with BlankFace and even warmed to her slightly. I have had a slightly more personal exchange or two with Boss Lady. Mini Me and I have done our usual letting off of steam, exchanging of opinions and advice and swapping of beauty and fashion tips (well, what little I can offer in that area).

It has actually been a positive week in terms of contact. In many ways, the actual events are somewhat insignificant. What I need to make more effort with in this coming week, is to have more significant conversations with God.