The new Blogger dashboard interface SUCKS.

That is all.

Friday Fill-In #83

And...here we go!

1. When it comes time to make a decision, I will make it.  I work better under pressure or threat of action.

2. Treat others the way you would like to be treated - that must be the rule.

3. Ma says, 'Never chase a man,  If he really likes you, he will do all the chasing.'

4. I'm not convinced it's possible to be totally in love with a person while at the same time believing you are also totally in love with someone else.

5. I never saw how bad things were until I had come out the other side.

6. You would think it sometimes from the way people behave, but common sense is not a new invention.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling with the boy, tomorrow my plans include helping the boy with his move before going to see The Mrs for a night in of movies and pizza and Sunday, I want to get home at a reasonable time in order to get organised for the week!

I wanted to write a blog...

...but realised that everything going on inside my head at this moment is negative.  And there's already too much negativity going on in the world, so why add to it? 

But why don't I ever think, "There's already too much negativity going on inside my head, so why add to it?"

I guess I am just one of those people who will always internalise my problems, my sadness, my anger, my frustrations, my disappointments.  I might as well smoke, or drink regularly, or take drugs, or eat unhealthily.  Depression is killing me slowly just the same.

Friday Fill-In #82

Today I've done this week's fill-ins as well as last week's in one big batch.

And...here we go!

1. It's time to move on and make a change.
2. I’ll have a veggie hotdog please... and don't forget the mustard!
3. I'm trying to not let it get to me, but I don’t understand why I’m coming up against resistance from those who should be on my side.
4. "I see you’re also taking part in Movember", that was the last funny comment I received.
5. Please send me a birthday card this year, if you feel so inclined. It’s so much lovelier than getting a comment on Facebook or a text.
6. I will be packing snacks, ‘cause I'm in it for the long haul.

7. Go ahead, there's some lessons you just have to learn from first-hand experience.
8. The legal right to drive a vehicle on the road - I'll get that soon! (I hope!)
9. Don't worry "about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [Matthew 6:34, NIV].
10. I think I’ve already used up my positive energy for the day.
11. Pretty much any situation I can provide advice/encouragement/a listening ear for, but some days I can’t even get myself out of bed.
12. I wonder if anyone will ever be truly proud of and impressed with me.
13. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing the ‘rents and catching up on their holiday photos, tomorrow my plans include me probably avoiding going to church, much to my Mum’s disdain and Sunday, I want to get my hair did and pray for snow!

Ch...ch...ch...changes

Things, finally, are going OK.  The same money problems (debts, mismanagement of my money and the tendency to shop when feeling low, which was most of the time) that have been haunting me for years, are eventually getting resolved.  In December, I joined my local credit union, the LMCU, which is a not-for-profit community co-operative offering financial services (savings and current accounts, loans, etc).  They have been really helpful and approved a loan for me to help get me out of the payday loan quicksand I’ve been drowning in.  You are required to make a monthly deposit into your savings to be a member and especially if you have a loan.  While you have a loan balance outstanding, you also cannot withdraw any money from your savings, which I think is really good.  They encourage responsible money management and are a more ethical way of banking, as all their profits go back into providing services for their members rather than paying shareholders.  So far, their customer service has been good and just speaking to one of the managers on the phone was a real relief.  She was reassuring and encouraging, reminding me that I was not alone and going out of her way to help me.  I wish I had found out about them sooner.  More info on credit unions and finding your local one is available on Martin Lewis’ website Money SavingExpert. 

Samson also lent me a substantial sum of money, which he’s able to do as he’s having to move out of his flat this month and back home.  His flatmates have decided to move out and get their own place elsewhere, so he’s moving home until he finds a new place/flatmates to live with, and can save money in the meantime.  As for the rest, I’ve applied for a season ticket loan from work (which is interest free and is deducted from my pay over 10 months), which I will sneakily use to pay off most of my remaining debt, rather than buy my season ticket.  This means that the vast majority of my outstanding debts should be paid on or just after my February pay day.  The rest will be manageable to pay off in regular monthly sums and I hope to be completely debt free (or thereabouts) by the end of the year.

It sounds such a small thing, but it’s only since I’ve managed to make progress with sorting it out that I’ve realised how detrimental this situation has been to my health and outlook on life.  It has been a major contributing factor in my depression and cause of unhappiness, insecurity and restrictions in my life.  Living payday to payday was depressing, not to mention stressful, as well as the fact that it prohibited me from making any future plans, or making any significant changes to my life where finances were involved (e.g. getting my driving license, moving out, going on holiday, having eye surgery).  Aside from significant plans, it meant I was frequently having to cancel/postpone lunch or dinner plans with friends because I had no money, meaning my social life was impaired and I always felt embarrassed or ashamed about it.  Most people interpret you saying "I've got no money," as "I'm trying not to spend, but can probably be persuaded to come out for a drink if you twist my arm."  In my case, it literally meant "I have no money, I'm not even sure how I'm going to buy lunch tomorrow."  Just being able to do regular things in moderation without the horrible feeling of guilt, worry or embarrassment is a huge blessing to me.  I don't have quite the same urge to shop either, as part of that twisted buzz I would get came from the fact that I finally had some money, even if it was technically money I didn't have to spend.  That feeling of doing something I shouldn't, something illicit, combined with that self-destructive desire to sabotage my own situation and rebel against that feeling of restriction that the lack of money caused me, has gone.  Perhaps not completely, I have to be realistic and accept that I still have that tendency and need to keep an eye on it.  But in the main, it has gone and feeling like I have some control over being able to spend or save has made me much more keen to save, or spend responsibly.

Things are certainly not problem-free quite yet, but the fact I have a plan in place and one that is actually coming to fruition rather than just being wishful thinking, has been such a huge burden lifted from me.  When entering a new year, I like to wish people 'health, wealth and happiness'.  2012 is finally looking like it could be a good year for wealth, not least the emotional kind.  Health and happiness can only follow.