Thursday 13: Reasons I Love Autumn

• Getting to wear my duffle coat again!
• Big woolly scarves and knitted jumpers.
• Stomping around in boots.
• Kicking at crispy leaves on the ground.
• The different shades of orange, rust and terracotta.
• Seeing my breath appear in front of me.
• The smell of bonfires in the air around Fireworks’ Night.
• That bite in the air as the evenings get colder.
• The autumn/winter sun hanging low in the sky, while the moon still shines above.
• Eating soup and other yummy warm comfort foods for dinner.
• Having an excuse to stay cosy indoors and watch DVDs in bed, wrapped up in pyjamas, hoodies, woolly socks and blankets, under the pretext of staying warm.
• Getting a cold face from being outside and trying to steal some body heat from a quick hug or kiss.
• Seeing tiny children’s little red noses poke out from underneath the many layers of clothing they are bundled up with, making them unable to walk freely.  :o)

To Be, Or Not To Be....a Bride?

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a proper blog.  As is always the case when I have long breaks in between writing, I have been feeling tired, a little uninspired and haven’t had the time.  But thankfully, work has slowed right down and I’ve had to find ways to fill my time while looking like I’m doing something productive – a perfect time to write.

At a loss of things to do, I realised I hadn’t checked my friend’s blog in a while and after doing so, discovered a new post by The Mrs, (ironically) entitled “I don’t want to be a bride”.  This is not news to me, as since we first became friends at 15 she has remained consistent in her reluctance to get married.  I probably wouldn’t even describe it as a reluctance, more a certainty that she didn’t really see herself taking that route in life.  Like most people, at some point I probably told her that her mind might change as she got older (as with her lack of desire to have children), not because getting married is what everyone should do, but more because who knows what they want at 15?  Ironically, I felt at 15 that I wanted to get married and have children some day and that desire hasn’t changed, so perhaps we know more about ourselves at a younger age than we like to admit.  No-one says “you’ll feel differently when you’re older,” if you’re a teenager saying you want to get married and have children in the future.  But if you express the opposite opinion, you get the opposite reaction.  People talk of that maternal yearning “kicking in,” like you get to a magic age and suddenly your principles change.  It hasn’t happened for The Mrs and she is happy with her choices.  If she ever did change her mind, I would support her.  It wouldn’t really matter to me, so long as she was happy.  What makes her question herself is the fact that other people/society/cultural conventions seem to be certain that she can’t be happy if she is not adhering to their lifestyle norms, despite the fact that a large proportion of couples nowadays don’t do that either.

So, what of me?  I emailed The Mrs to tell her I’d read her blog and really liked it.  Her reply was that I should now write a blog entitled ‘I want to be a bride’ in response to it!  This is something I’ve also been thinking a lot about lately.  I grew up being taught that marriage is an ideal to work towards and that a family unit with two parents is the best one in which to raise children.  I still believe this, but I know that our society and culture has changed so much that this no longer works for everybody and can also alienate those whose circumstances don’t fit into this template. Thankfully, my parents have stayed together, so I didn’t have any direct personal experience of the negative side of marriage while growing up.  I’ve always expected to get married, but I don’t think I had that same crazed desperation to do so as I’ve seen some girls have.  It’s a commitment I see as sacred and life-long and is not something I would enter into lightly.  Ideally, I certainly wouldn’t want to have children with someone to whom I wasn’t married.

To some extent, I’ve been philosophical about my marital status thus far.  I believe that if it’s going to happen, then it will happen, and I would want it to happen with the right person, not just for the sake of it.  Lately, however, I’ve found myself starting to feel a strong urge to settle down.  Part of this is because I still live with family, in the same place I grew up, and don’t have my own home.  I long for my own space, in which I am autonomous, my own haven where I can make my own decisions and not have to answer to anyone else.  Part of it is that I’ve had relationships, some that lasted a long time, and I don’t want to just date anymore.  I want the stability of being in a relationship with someone who is wholly committed to me, someone who wants to plan a future together.  It’s been a possibility in the past, but perhaps more one of theory than practice.  Those I’ve had significant relationships with in the past have expressed a desire to marry me, but when it came down to it, things fell apart.  The Ex probably still would marry me if I took him back (although I’m basing this on our last conversation months ago and may well have moved on by now – I hope), NY Guy frequently told me he could see himself marrying me and wanted to start a life together and has since married and started a life with someone else, so he clearly wanted those things, it just didn’t happen with me.  Things with BFTP seemed promising, but concluded with him going AWOL, so that says it all.  It’s almost as though them expressing this notion out loud jinxes any possibility of it actually happening.

Over the past month, I’ve been questioning where my relationship with Samson is going.  He’s a lovely person and we get on really well, but sometimes I feel he is holding back.  He can be emotionally reserved or perhaps inexperienced, took a lot of encouragement to admit he loved me (I’m still not entirely convinced), doesn’t talk about the future much and seems non-committal about what he wants, although he seems to want those things at some vague point in the future.  I’m not saying I want to get married immediately, but knowing it was heading in that direction would be reassuring.  It’s hard playing the game when the goalposts are constantly moving.  The Mrs and I were both brought up in religious homes, where marriage was to some extent the expectation.  Although her current boyfriend doesn’t have that sort of religious/cultural background and therefore doesn’t subscribe to that expectation, their relationship works because she doesn’t either.  I have caused problems for myself in that I am in a relationship where our expectations aren’t necessarily the same.

At the weekend, I went to my ‘home’ church for the first time in months.  I heard that a guy I knew from church when we were children and only got back into contact with in recent years, had recently got married.  A few years ago he had expressed an interest in me which I didn’t reciprocate because I was with NY Guy at the time.  Aside from that, I wasn't entirely sure we would be right for each other anyway, but I never serioualy considered finding out.  After hearing about his recentl nuptials I was surprised, as the last time I saw him I wasn’t aware of him even dating anyone.  But I noticed that mixed with the surprise was a palpable sense of disappointment, sadness and a slight touch of envy.  All I thought was, “That’s what I want.”  It was almost a shock to hear myself think that.  It’s the first time I’ve fully realised that this uncertainty, this disparity between what Samson and I are both ready for emotionally at this moment at time, is making me unhappy.  I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that I’m fine with floating along, that I’ve suppressed the reality of wanting something that my current situation isn’t providing.  I could title this post the same as Claire’s, because I don’t want to be a bride.  I don’t want the ceremony without the meaning behind it.  I don’t just want a ring on my finger that is valuable to me only because of its material worth.  I want to be and have a partner, someone who is willing to dedicate their life to making me happy, because that’s what I’d do for them.  Someone who will pledge “for better or worse” and mean every single word.  Someone who wants to make a home, start a family and live their life with me.  And right now, I’m not sure that I do.

The Mrs may feel social pressure to conform, but she has got it right.  She knows what she wants, has never been afraid of expressing it, and is with someone who shares the same desire.  I wish I could say the same.