Updates, Tough Love and Lukewarm Turkey

I have lost the will to blog. I suppose I have inadvertently taken a hiatus. Not necessarily for negative reasons, I suppose I have just been dealing with things in the real world, as opposed to living in the page. Things have been up and down. I'm not especially loving work at the moment, mainly because it is so repetitive. On the plus side, the work is fairly constant and doesn't involve many unexpected surprises, which is a good thing when I'm feeling turbulent emotionally. On the down side, I have realised that my brain does get bored quite easily and that I am probably in dire need of a mental/intellectual challenge. I am feeling more and more stupid as time goes on and don't seem to be using any creativity or innovation. To add insult to my previous injury, my old job was upgraded after I left and the temp who took over from me interviewed for it and was successful. Good move on her part (she's lovely), but a slight kick in the teeth to me, who did that job for 16 months while being paid at the level below. She's now on the same pay as me, although she's not even been here 6 months and is about 5 years younger than me. I'm not bitter.

Things with Samson are going well. He is an utter gem, I hope I can hang on to him for a good while yet. I am still not thinking too far ahead, despite people at work jokingly asking us independently when we are getting married and informing us that we will have gorgeous children (about 5 different people have told me this so far...random). I am just enjoying getting to know him and spending time with him. He is extremely thoughtful and very affection and loving, he makes me feel safe and cared for, he is easy-going and he makes me laugh. We've already planned to take some time off together for the World Cup...not quite a holiday I know, but it's nice just to have those kind of lazy, hazy summer plans together. It makes a change to just be thinking a few weeks or months ahead, knowing that those plans are realistic, rather than someone pontificating about the years to come when we marry and have children, despite their inability to make the relationship work in the present.

I am still discontent in some ways and don't know exactly what to do about it. I know I want o move out and that would probably be very good for me, but I don't know if that will make a significant difference to my enjoyment of life. I would like to think so, but I just get wary nowadays of pinning my hopes on anything. I think that whenever you have a low point in life, or are dealing with certain problems or issues, people are sympathetic up to a point (which varies depending on both the person, their personality and their relationship to you) and then they don't really want to know anymore. You get the feeling that they think you should just pull yourself together, or you should be over it by now, or you should just moaning about your problems and do something about them. I concur to a degree. But it can feel a little harsh when you perceive that kind of train of thought from someone who you have supported through similar situations in the past, or who has previously been supportive to you. I understand the concept of and need for tough love, but I think its success can be hit-and-miss. Sometimes it can just make a person feel worse.

I am well aware of my sporadic negativity and am acutely conscious of how my demeanour could bring others down at times. I already beat myself up about the fact that I am not 'over' my depression yet and get anxious over how people perceive me, worrying about giving them a negative impression because my depression often makes me feel tired, withdrawn, awkward and unsociable. I already worry that people will think I am a miserable person and not good company, so having any feeling that friends or family feel this way can make things feel worse. My self-consciousness about this probably makes me perceive such attitudes in people when they may not necessarily be there. It's odd.

I forgot to take my medication the other evening and decided it would be a good time to try taking them on every other day, like my doctor had suggested I do if I decided I wanted to stop taking them. I am going to see how it feels, but I am already anxious that I will start feeling as bad as I did before I started taking the medication and that worries me. I don't want to feel that low again, but at the same time, I worry about relying on meds and not knowing if how I feel is legitimate or cause by my depression. I'm not sure when would be a good time to come off the meds, but I think now is as good a time as any. I think I do want to, so I may as well take the plunge now, while I feel determined. I can always go back to taking them every day if alternate days seems to worsen things. We'll see. I have people I can talk to about it, but I still feel pretty much alone in this. When it comes down to it, essentially, I am.

Enemies

So, the low patch continues. Is it the seemingly never-ending grey weather? Is it the seemingly never-ending monotony of my repetitive job? Is it the seemingly never-ending list of insecurities I seem to have accrued over the past few years? Is it the seeming difficulty I have with adjusting to having my first significant real-life relationship in (technically) nearly four years? I’ve no idea, but the prolonged feeling of sadness and negativity is starting to get to me, is affecting my relationships, is making me want to sleep constantly and is making me feel more and more reluctant to open up to anybody.

I can’t believe it is the first day of March. Two whole months of 2010 have passed by already. What the hell?? People always say that time flies when you are having fun. In many ways, things have been a lot more fun since the beginning of the year. I have really enjoyed getting to know Samson and spending time with him, so I suppose the fact that I have felt predominantly low since Christmas or earlier, makes me feel bad, because it doesn’t really reflect the fact that there has been at least one quite significant change in my life since then.

I know I need to just try and get on with life as much as possible, to try and function normally and continue to go to work and see my family and friends and so forth, but I am finding it increasingly difficult again. I often have the desire to just be alone and shut myself away from everyone. I have little energy or motivation and often want to just sleep, or end up lying down just staring into space, or watching TV but not really seeing it. I have found that I am also finding it much harder to deal with experiencing these emotions as I did before. Previously, I accepted that I was suffering from depression and that I just needed adequate time to recover. But perhaps I had subconsciously given myself a limit on my recovery time and I seem to have exceeded it. Now I constantly feel disappointed with myself or bad for still feeling low, for still not being ‘over’ past experiences, for still dealing with old insecurities and anxieties. I beat myself up by worrying what people will think of me, for feeling weak and feel the constant need to apologise, then realise that I can’t really do that unless I explain the reason behind it, which isn’t always something I want to do. I worry about meeting new people, like Samson’s friends, or even getting to know people at work that I know, but he is good friends with. I worry that I am not at my best and that they will get a negative impression of me. I even worry about my own friends, that they will tire of me feeling low and upset about the same things, with no improvement and sometimes no cause. I feel reluctant to talk to them, to be honest with them, to be in contact with them.

It’s bad enough dealing with other people when you have a condition that affects your state of mind. But at the moment, it feels like my worst enemy is me.