Medicated...and Under Pressure

I got an appointment to see my doctor, finally. I had been trying to get an appointment for a couple of weeks and it had proved difficult. I thought that by the time I eventually managed to talk to her, I would have lost the energy or motivation to even explain my situation. However, I talked things through with her and she asked me lots of questions, discussed my options and finally prescribed anti-depressants. I wasn't averse to the idea, in fact I had gone to see her with the intention of asking about them, but I wasn't sure if there were other options I hadn't explored, or anything else she might suggest. But I was inclined towards the idea of medication, as it seemed like the most suitable option for me. If one more person tells me to do some exercise or to remember that there are lots of people who love me, I will probably be unable to react non-violently.

It's a strange thing with matters of mental health. Many people can't understand the notion of feeling so inexplicably low that you are unable to function properly, not just mentally and emotionally, but physically too. Some people also seem to have very strong views when it comes to taking medication for such things, even though they wouldn't think twice about taking painkillers and suchlike for physical conditions. It is right to be cautious, but I would suggest that is a wise basis with which to approach the taking of any medication. I weighed up my options and read the side effects and I have heard anecdotal evidence about them from people who have either experienced it for themselves or have someone close to them who has. To be honest, unless the side effects were going to be utterly horrendous and cause huge alternative problems, taking the medication would always be more appealing to me than carrying on in my current state. It's not pleasant, constantly feeling utterly exhausted physically and mentally drained, unable to really get excited about things you would usually find exciting and finding it hard to get any enjoyment out of the activities you would normally love. I'm not expecting anything magic to occur overnight, but anything that can help me to function properly again, get through the day without being on the verge of tears and just generally feel better able to cope with life is a welcome relief to me. It may just be the placebo effect, but these little green capsules seem to be working already. I feel a little groggy and am still quite worn out, but I feel a little bit more positive and slightly more energetic personality-wise. Basically, I feel a little bit more like myself, which is all I really wanted. It is such early days, but it's a relief to actually have a course of action that might help me. It's also a little bit liberating to say "I have been suffering from depression," and to be upfront about the fact that I need help with it.

It's amazing how much of a stigma is still attached to any mental health problem, but especially amazing with something so common as depression. There is still a lot of ignorance about this sort of thing. I've especially found it to be a taboo subject in my church setting, where some people think you can 'pray away' these things and that you shouldn't be susceptible to low moods if you are a Christian. Such attitudes are destructive, unhelpful and discouraging. The world we are living in at this time is so far removed from what God's ideal for us ever was, that it is no surprise that more and more people feel overwhelmed by the pressure of modern life and all its trappings. Never before has the human race had such technological and industrial advances available to such wide-reaching circles, but additionally, neither has it experienced such fragmentation within the family and wider society. There are so many aspects of the 21st century that are astounding and inspiring, juxtaposed against those aspects which sadden and horrify. I can't help but feel that the overwhelming abundance of choice and opportunity available to the average person living in the western world means that there is also overwhelming pressure placed on the average person to live up to the perceived ideals and potential successes that are expected.

Over the past year, I've discovered that I subconsciously place huge amounts of pressure on myself to be a certain way, to meet expectations that others have, all based on my own perception of what those around me expect. Where do these pressures come from? From parents, peers, society, the media, advertising, employers, religious institutions, and so on. I had an enlightening and reassuring conversation with a good friend recently. We were discussing how our parents have the idea that we can achieve wondrous things, because of the opportunities available to us that they didn't have access to in their time. As a result, they often put pressure on their children to take up careers or pursue vocations or qualifications that they approve of, regardless of whether their child wants to do so. My friend has a child and more than anything wants to have more. She commented that her mother and grandmother would say "you should count yourself lucky, with all the career opportunities available to you nowadays as a woman." Her response was "I liked the opportunities available to you, thanks very much." It's wonderful that we have so much choice and freedom nowadays, especially as women. But surely the whole point of such things is so that you can make your own choice best on what is best for you? If you want to just have a family and raise your family full-time, why should that be viewed as a failure? If you are ambitious and want to devote your time to your career and don't have a desire to have any children, why should that be viewed as wrong? Why is it that we are made to believe that we must achieve it all, and that fine, you may have children, but you must also have a successful career in your own right, and furthermore, who needs a man to support you? You're independent, you can have it all and on your own terms! I am making no judgement on the choices that people make in their lives. All I am pointing out is that if we have freedom of choice, then we shouldn't feel that our choices are looked down upon when they don't meet other people's expectations.

The pressures of the 21st century (and the late 20th century) have had a detrimental effect on the family and therefore on the average person's contentment and ability to form healthy relationships later in life. With dysfunctional partnerships and strained relationships within families, it's little wonder that more and more people are succumbing to stress, anxiety and depression, often finding destructive and unhealthy ways to distract from or cope with their problems, as evidenced by the common use of harder drugs, 'binge' drinking, sexual deviances and various other ways to get kicks. We all have our own coping mechanisms, but it’s strange that while some extra-curricular activities are generally accepted, expected and even encouraged, that other ways of dealing with the slings and arrows life throws at us are viewed as odd or are stigmatised.

I’ve never really been one for excess, although my excesses are probably just tame compared to many of my peers, but I’m finding my own way to cope. I just want to move past coping to really living. And soon.

On Lethargy, Lack of Enthusiasm and Listlessness

I don't have the energy or motivation for anything much, lately. It has been a struggle just to get through most days at work, so as soon as I get home, I languish and just want to get in bed. I don't seem able to muster enough creativity to write anything. Even with the Friday Fill-In prompts, I've not managed to complete all the answers and instead had them saved as drafts until I could finish them.

I've been torn between feeling lonely and feeling the need for company, but at the same time feeling reluctant to be around anyone or talk to anyone and wanting to withdraw from people. I don't just experience this in person, but over the phone and even online. I've stopped reading blogs because I can't seem to summon enough mental or emotional energy to get involved in anyone else's life or thoughts. I'm reluctant to even talk to friends on the phone because it seems to sap me of any energy I have just stringing sentences together. I know those close to me are a little concerned at times and that makes me even more reluctant to talk and reveal just how lethargic and low I am.

My life feels like it's on pause at the moment, or at the very least is playing in very slow motion. Things are the same day after day and there doesn't seem to be an end to it. I had another day or two off work after calling in sick because I was exhausted and feeling pretty much like I would be incapable of getting through the day. My boss told me that the number of sick days I've had was picked up by HR and that I needed to have a meeting to discuss it. I was anxious about the meeting and had to try quite hard not to cry while I explained my perception of my situation at work and how working at a level that I'm not being paid for was causing me stress. I wasn't obliged to tell them anything about my medical history or current health, but they advised that if I was to share any information that could help explain the situation, then it might facilitate their understanding of it and thus ways in which they could assist me. I stated that I wanted to speak to my doctor before I discussed anything in detail. Overall, the meeting went well. It was quite relaxed and I didn't feel uncomfortable or threatened, but the official nature of it accelerated my realisation that I have to do something to improve my state of mind and general health for my own sake as well as for those around me. It's odd starting to feel motivated to improve my feeling of demotivation, but I can't go on feeling so low.

Friday Fill-in #38

And...here we go!

1. I grew up thinking my parents knew everything. Was I wrong? A little!

2. www.secadventist.org/campVideo.php was the last website I was at before coming here. I am watching the online service at my church camp meeting. Technology rocks!

3. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

4. Staying away from work helps me relax.

5. Thanks for the memories. Now let's get on with our lives. Lol!

6. Ignorant attitudes, belittling my feelings and judgemental mindsets are all very off-putting.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to REST, tomorrow my plans include peace and quiet and spiritual encouragement and Sunday, I want to just be meeeeee!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

Friday Fill-In #37

And...here we go!

1. Lately, I would always rather be at home.

2. My favorite thing for dinner lately has been pizza. It only takes 15 minutes in the oven and at the moment, speed is an important factor in my food preparation. Feed me, feed me!

3. My bite, bite, bite is worse than my bark! bark! bark! Only sometimes.

4. A nice long walk would be appealing, if a.) it wasn't so grey and miserable outside and b.) I had any energy.

5. It's been a while since I've been the recipient of some good news.

6. When all is said and done, you don't really know what you're talking about until you've been there yourself.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to feeling safe at home, tomorrow my plans include trying to make it to church and Sunday, I want to do some laundry, tidy my wardrobe a little and make my room more inhabitable (it's shocking at the moment)!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!