Monday, 30 November 2009

Feeling Monday

I felt very Monday today. I got up nearly an hour after my original alarm, feeling much rather like staying in bed than getting up for anything at all, especially work. Then I realised I hadn't taken my meds the night before and had to quickly rectify that, while worrying that two doses in one day might make me feel the need to sleep an unnatural amount like it did the last time.

I got the train after the one I had originally intended and got to work at about 9.45am. Gonna have to pull my socks up and start getting in by 9.30 at the latest, if only so I can eat my toast without feeling like everyone is watching me and thinking I should really be getting on with my work instead of stuffing my face.

I'm slowly getting into the swing of things, but by the same token am starting to feel more and more like a document-producing machine. My days currently consist of me fulfilling paper, email and in-person requests for various documents, churning them out to order, all of which have to be in a standard format, most of which are automated but often need amending to the individual circumstances. On one hand, I like that I have set goals to make it feel like I am vaguely achieving something. I can try to get through every email request we receive that day, or make sure my desk is clear of the paper requests by home time. But on the other hand, I feel like I am barely using my brain. There is no room for creativity, everything is prescribed, everything seems to have a set template, even the notification emails we send when the documents are ready. I don't even have any time to draft a quick blog post or reply to an email from Lolly by way of a creative outlet to break up the repetition. I'm sure that things will get more interesting and Flame Grilled has told me he will be going through some more interesting stuff with me soon. But at the moment, quite how I am managing to earn more than I used to for doing such mind-numbing work is a mystery. I still miss my old team, our banter and Miss T's regular gems of wisdom and unintentional comedy. Everyone on the team is lovely, but occasionally it feels a bit cliquey and I'm not quite sure where I fit in. Stroppy Pants (SP) is lovely and unintentionally amusing due to her self-confessed stroppyness, but everyone seems to take their work quite seriously. Eek.

The day flew by, the afternoon helped along by a quick trip to the shop for a choc break at Skins' suggestion. I wanted to clear my out tray, so stayed at work till I had. It was 6.15pm. I decided to make a detour on the way home to stop by my tanning place, since my skin has been in shocking condition lately, in part due to this horrible winter weather. Then I stopped by the supermarket to get a few bits - bread, bathroom cleaner, cheese spread, marshmallows, cleaning wipes, tomatoes...you know, the essentials.

Is it only Monday?

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Or Not.

OK, so my date with Mr. Def didn't happen after all. My mate Cyril was going with his mates and they had a spare ticket. Cyril knows I like Mos, so he asked if I wanted the ticket. I said yes and was really looking forward to it. A few hours later, Cyril told me he couldn't go after all, as he had to wait in for a plumber for his tenants, who wasn't going to arrive before 6.00pm. Since he didn't know how long the job would take and the doors were opening at 7.00pm, he didn't think he'd be able to get there on time. He was kinda pissed he would be missing the show and since I don't really know any of his friends, I didn't really want to go on my own. :o( He's allegedly going to make it up to me with dinner some day, but Mos Def it ain't. Lol!

Never mind. Instead, my Sunday has so far consisted of:
  • Waking up after some seriously disturbing dreams but enjoying the lie-in none the less
  • Washing up some cutlery and all the dirty cereal bowls
  • Weetos for breakfast
  • An episode of Flash Forward with Big Sis and Bro-in-Law while I ate said Weetos
  • Five loads of laundry (yes, you read that right. I still have about three loads to do!)
  • A nice chat on IM with The Mrs
  • Rain all day apart from a short spell of dazzling sunshine mid-afternoon
  • Having the lights on and curtains closed from about 2.00pm because it was so dark
  • Downloading a few albums (namely Mos Def's latest, BlakRoc, DJ Honda and Lady Gaga) and listening to some music (namely La Roux, Little Boots, Mariah Carey, Mos Def and me!)
  • Hanging up all the damp laundry
  • Two episodes of Miami Ink and half an episode of LA Ink
  • Four cups of tea (only small ones, honest)
  • Being in jogging bottoms and a pink hoodie all day
  • A bag of pretzels (I kinda get how George W. choked on one now, those blighters are dry)
  • Some Kettle Chips and some mini Babybels
  • A couple of little eBay purchases (a ring made of agate and some organic skin cream)
  • Fanta Fruit Twist
  • Watching JLS perform on T4
The rest of my Sunday is hopefully going to consist of:
  • A little rest while I try to finish up and post some blogs
  • A proper meal instead of the bad snacks I've been eating
  • A spot of vacuuming
  • Washing the bathroom and toilet
  • Sorting out my wardrobe so that I can actually open it!
  • CSI Sunday
  • A nice long soak in a hot bath
  • Massaging my aching limbs with body lotion in preparation for another gym date tomorrow
  • An early night so that I can get to work early for a change
I have quite a backlog of draft posts at the moment, since I don't have time to sneak some writing into my work day while I am still getting to grips with my new responsibilities (give it a couple of weeks).

OK, I am going to get me some food and then get on with part B of that to-do list...

Got Me A Date....

Lucky ol' me has a date tonight!!!

Gonna experience some True Magic with a Travellin' Man, who is Black On Both Sides and is aware of The New Danger...


OK, so several hundred other people will be there too, but I can't wait... :o)

Friday, 27 November 2009

Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

My dreams have gone from traumatic and disturbing, to one night of amusing and quite nice, and back to my usual of weird. Last night, my Mum wanted to listen to my Mariah Carey CDs (not that she ever would in real life) but then we found that they had all disappeared. There were loads of other little things happening that I can’t remember. I remember a sense of disorientation or frustration at not being able to find things or do what I needed to.

My second gym date of the week yesterday definitely made an impact today. My stomach muscles were aching like crazy, as were my inner thighs.

I emailed Shoulders, one of my gym buddies: “Ow! Obliques! Lol!”

His reply: “Good girl, that is what I like to hear. You were doing it fairly heavy (for a girl!!!) so I’m not surprised.”

I laughed and told him I was stronger than I look, but just lazy. He told me, with some glee, that he had recruited Gannet to join us next week. He is about 6’4”, sort of lanky, but with a little bit of a belly.

“Me and him should do weights together,” I wrote, laughing at how funny our height difference would look. “We’d look a right state, he’s at least a foot taller than me!”

“I’m not kidding, you could probably lift more than him,” Shoulders replied.

We emailed back and forth, chit-chatting about stuff. At least a year ago, he started going out with one of the Australian temps who was working here. She had to go back about six weeks ago and a fortnight ago he told me that he was going to move out there to be with her and was in the process of applying for his visa and trying to sell his flat. I was really taken aback and really impressed. It was clear he was serious about her and it was really lovely that he was making the big step of uprooting his life to make one with her. At the time, it was a painful reminder of the comparative lack of effort from NY Guy and it upset me that I hadn’t been important enough to him to come over just to visit, or even just meet up with while he was here for work, never mind making a permanent move.

When we went to the gym, he had mentioned that things weren’t going too well with the visa and that he was finding the distance hard. He explained that he was all or nothing in relationships and so after being inseparable for all that time and now being on opposite sides of the world for six weeks, he was finding it quite tough. He didn’t know about my own situation, as I haven’t really told anyone at work about it. I asked him how things were going and we chatted back and forth about it. I told him that I could relate because I had done long-distance myself and it had been quite tough.

"Really hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free to ignore this if you want....but are you single now then? There is a reason I ask...!"

He told me that I had an admirer at work, but he couldn't tell me who, just that he was a "top boy who has admired you from a distance for a long time."

I was intrigued and it was flattering to know that someone thought that, but I know I still have emotional attachments. We talked about things and I told him a little bit about the situation I had been in with NY Guy. He was sympathetic and I empathised with his situation, because I know how hard long-distance can be. He was determined to get to Aus by hook or by crook and it made me a little bit upset that I had wanted that same passion and drive from NY Guy and hadn't always seen it.

"He will be a silly man if he lets you get away I reckon," said Shoulders, and I thanked him for the support, but felt even more sad inside.

I've had this said to me more than once before. I felt really sad that someone who doesn't even know me very well would say this, but the person who I most want to recognise what he could potentially have had, if he would only have made the required effort to do so, doesn't get it.

When Shoulders told me he was going to move to Aus, especially the fact it was within just 3 months of Kitty going back, I was surprised, impressed, excited, but then upset. When someone wants something that bad, especially when it's a guy, that's what he does. He doesn't just talk about it, he does what it takes to make it happen. It made me sad that I hadn't seen the same level of meaningful action and commitment in my own relationship. It made me wonder what went wrong, why he wouldn't do for me even a fraction of what Shoulders is willing to do to be with Kitty, whether I just wasn't enough. I know I shouldn't take the blame for someone else's inadequacies, but it's hard to avoid thinking there is something wrong with me, or that I've asked for this. It's not just NYG. BFTP did it too, twice. The Ex had the opposite problem, but that's where I picked up a lot of these issues and negative relationship expectations in the first place.

I'm still in mourning. I know there's a point after which you need to wipe the tears away, pick yourself up and get over it, but I'm still feeling a little bit heart-broken, somewhat bitter and very disillusioned.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Tidying Up

Not enough at home, too much at work.

Big Sis was pissed last night. Not in the British, 'drunken' sense, but in the American, 'rather irritated' sense. I found out this morning that it was partly due to her frustration that Bro-in-Law and I don't do enough to help around the house. I can only speak for myself, but in doing so, I have to admit that her statement is true. I've known for a while that I need to buck up, not just on shared chores, but on my own, too.

Last night, I intended to do some washing up, laundry and so on. But after my first gym date in almost a year, I felt tired and as soon as I sat down, it was over. I was feeling conscious that I should really do something, but I hate that feeling of not being able to enjoy a rest when I feel I need it. I didn't give into the guilt, but perhaps I should have. I spoke to The Mrs for a bit, watched some TV and generally laid on my bed feeling like my limbs were way too heavy.

My room is still a tip, but last weekend I had moved out no less than four bin bags of clothes and one of shoes out of my room to go to charity. I had been planning to sell some of it, but if you've read any of blog in the past year, you'll know that I talk much about my eBay intentions, but in reality, most of my actual activity involves buying, rather than selling. I reached breaking point and decided to just get rid of it all. No point holding onto stuff with the idea of selling in some day, when it is taking up valuable space in the here and now. I'm downsizing and it's about time.

The bags had been temporarily placed on the landing on Saturday evening. Big Sis had mentioned that she could ask Bro-in-Law's dad to take them to the charity shop for me, but she was going to look through them first in case there were any clothes she wanted to keep. When I got home and went upstairs, it took few moments to realise they had gone.

"Where are the bags???" I called downstairs.

Bro-in-Law informed me that his dad had already taken them away.

"Yeahhh!" I shouted, skipping downstairs to give him a double high five. "High five!" I said to Big Sis, who looked less than enthusiastic.

"No, I'm not going to high five," she replied, "I hadn't even looked through it yet."

Oops. "Oh no," I said, "Well. No high five. Sorry about that."

Feeling awkward, I went back upstairs to relax a bit, as mentioned earlier. I kept thinking that I should do some washing up as planned, or at least a bit of tidying in my room, but I just couldn't summon the energy or the motivation. Sometime after 11.00pm, there was some sort of commotion and it seemed like someone was kicking off. I came out of my room to investigate and Bro-in-Law explained Big Sis was upset. I went downstairs after her and she told me she was "Fed up and I don't want to talk about it. Just go away!" She was really angry and I didn't really know what to do, so I just did as I was told and went away. I felt horrible. I hate that atmosphere of anger and upset and suddenly I realised why. I was reminded of times growing up, where if Mum was angry about something then the whole house had to know about it. I was reminded of times when The Ex would get serious road rage or we would have an argument and I was in the car with him, trapped in the horrible atmosphere. I was reminded of times when we had arguments and he would shout at me so that I just retreated into my shell and said nothing. I remembered times where he would shout angrily, "Why don't you just argue back??!" because my silence frustrated him, but he didn't realise that his anger stifled me. I remembered the times where I would shout back and would be so fuming with anger that I would be in tears and would walk out of his house, slamming the door behind me and walking home while he tried to call me to tell me to come back.

I remembered all of these things and the memories upset me. I didn't want to be involved, so I turned off my light and tried to go to sleep. I started crying and suddenly had an urge to call someone, but realised I didn't really have anyone to call. It was late, The Mrs has her own stuff going on at the moment, Lolly has been taking on a lot of my gripes lately and to be honest, I felt silly calling anyone to say I was upset about something so random and unimportant. Times like this always highlight that I don't have a boyfriend, the person you can call at any time because you know they will comfort you, no matter what the problem is or how trivial it may seem. I am going to have to learn to deal with things like this on my own.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Pain Killers

The new job is going OK. I have quite a nicely-located desk (best out of the three available, I reckon), complete with the new peace lily that Boss Lady gave me. I also got to take my PC with me, which meant less hassle making sure any important or personal files not saved on the network drives were saved elsewhere and then deleted, and not needing to save all my bookmarks and saved passwords, etc. It also meant that I got to take my monitor with me, which is only about a year old, as is my PC, and is bigger than most of the others. Yay me. I had managed to sort out the most urgent outstanding queries from my old job, but still have a few bits and pieces I may tie up, including some filing and tidying up of my desk that I didn’t get around to on Friday. Oops.

I had been feeling a bit helpless on Monday. It felt awkward having to adjust to knowing what I was doing (or at least knowing where to find the relevant information I needed in order to know), to being in a role in which I felt like I knew nothing. Perhaps I have a small streak of the control freak (unintentional rhyme) about me and don’t like it when I feel so out of control in a situation. It’s only a mild version, though, honest. Monday had me wanting to run back to my old desk and my old team, partly because they are fun to talk to and we’d actually have time to chat now and then because I wouldn’t need to concentrate so hard on what I was doing. Lolly had stayed the weekend and we ended up sleeping near 2.00am on Sunday night, which probably wasn’t the best idea before my first day in my new job. I was feeling utterly mashed, quite brain-dead and rather stupid. My colleague explained a few processes to me, but everything seemed way too fast and my brain felt way too slow.

By about mid-afternoon I was getting a serious migraine, but a quick check of my medication stash revealed I had only two tablets left in my total supply and this was a definite two-tablet migraine. I took one, not wanting to be completely devoid of a back-up and tried to bear with the only-slightly-reduced throbbing behind my left eye for the rest of the afternoon. I had dressed for the cold (wool jumper) but felt too hot in the office, which probably added to the problem. By the time I left at 5.30, my head was killing me, so after walking through my front door and saying a rushed hello to big Sis and Bro-in-Law, I went straight upstairs, got into my PJs and went to sleep before 8.00pm. I thought I might just need a couple of hours’ nap to sleep it off, but I realised I was feeling knocked for six and didn’t feel much like waking. Eleven hours later and I was waking up at my normal time, still feeling a dull ache remaining in my head and not feeling any better for the excess of sleep.

By the time I got to work, it was clear that the migraine had not completely cleared, so I tried to drink lots and not frown too much at people, as the throbbing behind my eye got worse and gave me an odd sort of squint. At lunch, I had to pop out to try and buy painkillers. Paracetamol doesn’t even scratch the surface of my migraines, ibuprofen only seems to work on period pain or muscle aches and I didn’t want to use my last remaining emergency Excedrin tablet. I called the Mrs and had a chat to her on my way to Boots on the High Street. While there, I picked up the correct colour mascara I needed (black) to swap with the one I bought the other day (brown), got some hair-bands I promised I’d get for Lolly, some deodorant and a bottle of Purdey’s (more on this shocking addiction in another post).

I spent ages looking at the various sub-standard painkillers on offer. After realising that most of them are just paracetamol or ibuprofen either made more soluble, with added caffeine, or disguised with brand names and/or the ‘migraine’ tag, but are loads more expensive than the regular kind, there wasn’t anything else but the really strong migraine medication (sumatriptan) that I used to get on prescription. It can now be bought over the counter. That’s all well and good, but each packet only contains two tablets and costs £7.99! Whatevski! The problem with those is that they are so strong that they used to make me feel nauseous and drowsy. I would take one and then have to lie down to sleep it off within half an hour. The point of me taking medication was to help relieve the pain so that I could get on with my day. If it was going to make me need a lie-down, then I may as well just go home and have a lie-down without spending £7.99. I eventually settled on aspirin with added paracetamol and caffeine, a Boots own-brand bargain at £1.49. I took a dose when I got back to work and was feeling loads better towards the end of the day.

It took me until today to realise that the active ingredients in this £1.49 bargain are exactly the same as that of Excedrin. No, I didn’t know that paracetamol is known as acetaminophen in the US. Ol’ muggings here was about to purchase some pricey Excedrin on eBay, when I could have just been buying souped-up aspirin all this time! I couldn't believe it, what a nelly. It seems like such a small thing, dealing with bad headaches and migraines and trying to find suitable medication. But I get them too often for this to not be a problem. Big Sis' advice? Go natural! Try not taking any medication! Er, OK. Not my course of action of choice right now. Her other advice? Don't eat any dairy! OK, that's great. It may very well help, but that's a long-term sort of change and one that I am a little reluctant to make at this stage. Either way, what I needed was to know that I have something I can resort if necessary and now I do. Good ol' aspirin. Now all I need is an emotional pain killer and I might be able to function normally.

Monday, 23 November 2009

The Flip Side

I spoke to my cousin for a bit on IM today. He had called me but I was at work and couldn't talk. Instead, I IM-ed him and he told me that he was having some problems with his girlfriend. They are currently on opposite sides of the world and the distance is getting to both of them, but her current way of dealing with it is to tell him she doesn't want contact for a bit, in the hope that it will make it easier. He is finding it harder and doesn't know what to do. I could really relate to what she was doing, because at times I just wanted to cut off contact with NY Guy, because trying to forget about him temporarily sometimes made the fact that we were so far apart a tiny bit easier. He was telling me that she gets extremely moody and he doesn't always know how to cope with it. It seems as though she has everything he has been looking for in a girlfriend for as long as I can remember. But often, when we find the things we are looking for, we find that there are less desirable attributes that come along with them.

Deuce: She's so moody.
emelectric: Oh no, she sounds like me!
Deuce: Why'd you think I called you?
emelectric: Lol!
Deuce: What did i get myself into?
emelectric: Well, sometimes the things we look for in people come with a flip side.
Deuce: Why can't I just find someone who is normal? Don't I deserve normal?

Why is it that for every attribute a person possesses that appeals, there is the less appealing side of the coin that comes with it? I'm not suggesting that people are essentially Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personalities with a tendency for irrational fluctuation between the two like Batman's one time nemesis Two Face. However, some personality traits naturally seem to go hand in hand with others.

You might love the fact that a person is big-hearted and sweet-natured. The flip side? They may be overly sensitive or easily offended, or find it hard to stand up to people, so get taken advantage of.

A person's spontaneity and flexibility with plans may appeal to you. The flip side? Disorganised, indecisive, are flaky or unreliable.

You might be attracted to a man's masculinity, his way of straight-talking and being objective. The flip side? In different circumstances it can come across as cold, unsympathetic and lacking in emotion.

A passionate, fiery, exciting personality has a definite appeal, but the flip side? Erratic, moody, quick-tempered.

If we seek a particular characteristic in a partner, must we also accept that their flip side comes as a non-negotiable part of the package? Must the good always be accompanied by the bad? Light with shade? Positive with negative? If someone gets to know me and the fact that I am quite an emotional person, I suppose I need them to understand that while that means I am affectionate, thoughtful and empathetic, it also means that I am easily affected by emotive situations, am inclined to moods, can be sensitive at times and like a lot of emotional attention and affection in return.

I suppose that if I gravitate towards a man who is emotionally strong, even-tempered and secure, I should maybe also have to accept that at times he may seem aloof, or might not be especially sensitive or romantic.

What to do? Is it always a bad thing that we are required to take the rough with the smooth? Why can't there be a happy medium which strikes the perfect balance? I think the problem is that we often look for the perfect balance within one person, whereas perhaps the point is that we find this balance when in a relationship. They say that opposites attract. While I don't know how true this always is, especially in the extreme, I think that often the most successful partnerships are those in which each partner balances out the other. Their individual characteristics and personalities may by no means be the same, but they perfectly complement each other, so that the rough edges of one are smoothed somewhat by the softer nature of the other. The highly-strung type is calmed by the laid-back one. The cynic is inspired by the eternal optimist.

However, differences may make for the wrong kind of dynamite when the differences are ones relating to one's values. If the things you each view as most important in life do not overlap, or you simply see such values in wildly different ways, then you may have something much more problematic than the odd personality clash. I am still wondering quite what balance of attributes I am looking for in a partner. The problem is that quite often, what would seem to be a perfect match on paper, is quite often missing the spark of passion in reality.

No relationship is perfect. Some couples are more volatile than others. Some couples are so alike that they seem to almost merge into one person. Some people are personality polar opposites, but they manage to balance each other out by mastering the art of compromise. I think it's a difficult task to try and anticipate exactly what personality would match with your own the best. Quite often, the people we fall for and the ones we have successful relationships with can take us by surprise. I'm just looking for someone who brings the best out of me so consistently. that my flip side becomes insignificant in comparison.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

The Culmination

It's Miss T's birthday today. She thinks working on one's birthday is illegal, so rightly took the day off. I gave her a box each of Ferrero Rocher and mint Matchsticks yesterday. I got a text on my way to work this morning saying, "Thank you. I'll be fat when I get in on Monday." Er...I know I gave her two of her favourite kinds of chocolates, but I wasn't suggesting she finish them this weekend! Lol.

Boss Lady is off tomorrow, so today was a little busy as we finished up all the outstanding things we had been working on. A colleague in finance was pissing us both off by asking lots of last-minute queries, perhaps in part because she knew I was moving on. The last thing I needed to add to my to-do list was random queries involving information to a level of detail I failed to believe she really needed.

I had woken up feeling really hungry for some reason, so my usual two slices of toast in the office didn't really scratch the surface. By 12.30, I had to go and get me a chicken fajita wrap (it's my standard lunch pick of late) as my brain was wandering off the costs I was adding up for an invoice and onto take-away menus and yummy stuff.

The day seemed to fly by and I managed to cross off quite a few tasks on my to-do list. The things that would remain outstanding were much fewer, or at least less horrendous, than I had first anticipated, weren't going to kill anyone if I just had to hand them over and frankly, weren't going to be my problem anymore.

Before I knew it, it was nearing 5.00pm. "Oh, I keep forgetting to give you this," said Boss Lady, producing a potted plant from under her desk, wrapped with green tissue paper and cellophane. "It's a plant for your new desk," she said. My new desk hasn't been decided formally yet, but it is going to be one of three that are much closer to the entrance barriers, which are notorious for irritating students trying to ask questions across the barriers, in an attempt to avoid waiting in line to speak to someone at the main desk. "You can place it strategically on your desk so that you can hide behind it," she suggested, which I thought was a fabulous idea. "Is it a peace lily?" I asked, for a second getting them muddled up in my mind with calla lilies. "Yes," she confirmed, which seemed appropriate to help me fend off the increasing aggravation I am no doubt going to experience if I am getting bugged by cheeky queue-jumping students all day. I thanked her for the gift and asked what time she was leaving. "I was going to leave at 5.00pm," she said, which induced panic when I realised it was already 4.50pm and I had just remembered I hadn't even written her card yet. I sneakily did so once she had returned to her desk. I thanked her for being such a fab boss, telling her that I especially appreciated all her encouragement and support over the past, rather difficult, year. I wished her lots of happiness with her future plans, both in and outside of work. "Oh, it's not going to be the same," she said, doing a sad face. I pouted back. "I know, I might have to just come and sit here for a few minutes when I get back in on Monday."

Boss Lady eventually got up to leave at just after 5.30pm. She came by my desk on the way out to say goodbye and I handed her the card, which she seemed surprised about. "Aww," she said, "Shall we hug?" So we did. :o) "Have a lovely weekend in Budapest," I said, as she left. My new boss Flame-Grilled was the only other person in the office. "Make sure you look after her," she said to him, on her way out.

I stayed another 45 minutes, then headed out, feeling absolutely shattered and a little bit low. I stopped at the station to get food, before getting onto my train, getting a seat and feeling thankful to be nearing home. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Boss Lady. Thank you for the lovely card! Just reading it on the train now. :-) All the best to you too...you've earned it, I'm so glad you persevered! xx

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly I felt upset and could feel the tears welling up quicker than I could stop them. I tried to bite my lip and hold it in, but I didn't have the resolve. A man opposite was carrying some flowers for someone special and was smiling to himself, which somehow didn't seem to help. I looked determinedly out of the window and tried to stop the emotion from overwhelming me, but I have never been so close to actually audibly sobbing in public. I don't even know exactly why. I think it was the culmination and combination of stress and relief at the fact that this week is nearly over. More than that, I think it is the culmination of the stress of the whole past year and relief that this year is nearly over. Tears were falling down my face and I felt thankful that I am a bit Mary Poppins and carry everything in my bag, so had some tissues to hand.

I texted Lolly and asked her to make me laugh because I was embarrassing myself on the train by being in floods of tears. After two stops, I had managed to calm down slightly and replied to Boss Lady's text, before starting to write a blog on my BB to distract me. By the time I got home, I felt a little calmer. Bro-in-Law was sat in the living room when I got home and we said our hellos, before I randomly said, “No, I didn’t get Burger King for dinner, Bro-in-Law! What do you mean?! How dare you make such accusations!” He started chuckling at me and said “Feeling guilty, then?” We chatted for a bit and then Big Sis arrived home from an errand. I checked my phone and realised I had missed a call from Lolly and had a text from her, trying to make me laugh and checking I was OK. I felt tired and drained and still a bit weird, but I also felt a small sense of relief that for better or worse, things were going to change, even if just a little.

Islands

I still stop by your place every day,
Wondering if you still want to play.
I hear the song, which words I penned
Back when we had made amends.
As I walk, I wonder what will fill that space,
Look each passing stranger in the face,
Hoping to feel the buzz of familiarity,
The sense of recognition, not disparity.
I see you in every single game
And flinch each time I hear your name.
You are the city that never sleeps,
Yet my slumber and my dreams it keeps;
The skyscrapers that shade my light,
But illuminate even the darkest night.
If I am this one, I lead the way,
But still mourn the ones that got away,
Reaching across the expanse of sea,
Holding my own torch of liberty.
Offerings of peace should not be mine,
You gave them back too many times.
But still I always stretch my hand,
Perhaps why you don't understand?
Maybe the drawbridge has been raised,
No more foreign passing trade,
To reconcile the islands two;
No man’s an island, not even you.
I heart no yieldless sense of pride,
That holds you back and stems love’s tide.
You did too little, I felt too much;
I’m out of luck, you’re out of touch.
Your town’s too young for this to be
And mine has too much history.
Lands that were once completely whole,
Were severed by a misjudged goal
That pushed you back to set you free,
Making no end to misery.
And now, new bridges must be built,
Despite resistance to the hilt.
Maybe the new world is not for me,
And with the old one you disagree?
A new fabric I’ll weave so tough,
If nylon is not strong enough.
I only wish it could be more
Than the same ocean on different shores.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Not That Smiley

I worked late last night. Not shockingly late, only till about 6.30pm, but that counts as late where I work. There is virtually no-one left in our section past 6.00pm. Usually, I don't like it when other people sitting nearby me stay late if I am also working late. I like the fact that it is quiet and I can work undisturbed, while checking emails or editing blog posts in-between. However, Boss Lady was also working late that night, probably in part because we are both tying up loose ends before I go, but also because she is on leave from this Friday and doesn't get back till the following Wednesday.

When everyone around us had gone home, she came to sit at the desk closer to me to have a chat and keep me updated about things. It was easier to have a chat when the office was empty, since if you talk in work hours, everyone around you can hear the conversation, but if you book a meeting room, people then start speculating and being nosey about what is going on. I know it's open-plan, but it doesn't help keep the rumours at a minimum. They still don't have a temp confirmed for next week, despite Boss Lady putting in a case for Mini Me on two occasions. I would be happy to have trained someone on the basics before I move, but that would be way too logical and straight-forward for this department. They better not be expecting me to take time away to train someone new when I am just starting my new job, considering I will be going through enough training for my new job and furthermore that since Mini Me and the other temp working with her are leaving this Friday and next respectively, so our section will probably be manic. Not to mention the fact that Little Big Boss (LBB) is still fuming that BlankFace randomly took our sub-team out of his managerial responsibility, her reason for which we are still trying to work out and are growing increasingly suspicious of.

Boss Lady wanted to tell me about the temp situation so that I didn't think anything untoward was going on,other than management's usual shoddy organisation and lack of forward-planning. She remarked about how in our meeting with BlankFace, Shoulders, Ms. Sugar and Scottie that afternoon, it was mentioned that an outstanding action Shoulders and I still had to complete needed to be done ASAP.

"Are you going on holiday or something?" Ms. Sugar asked.

"No, I'm moving to Vinyl on Monday," I explained.

"Oh, well we'll really need to get that done soon, then," she replied.

"Well, we can be flexible,"said BlankFace, while I smiled and nodded without thinking.

Boss Lady told me it was the first she had heard of that. Furthermore, she was less than convinced that LBB would be at all willing to be 'flexible' with staff he had just regained managerial responsibility for. I agreed, saying that I had smiled and nodded automatically, then only afterwards had realised exactly what she had said.

"Mmm, she often does that," said Boss Lady, "I often feel like I'm being flattered into something, but I don't know what, yet."

"I think she's a smiling assassin," I whispered.

"I don't think she's even that smiley," Boss Lady replied, making me smile at the fact that I call her BlankFace for that very reason, which is a slightly nicer version of Bitch Face, which I have heard Miss T refer to her as, on more than one occasion.

Boss Lady and I chatted for a while longer and she told me that she thought, career-wise, this move was a good one for me. "It's a dead end here," she explained, "At least there you will be broadening your experience. Don't get into a career cul-de-sac, that's what I've done," she said ruefully, explaining that when you become too specialised, you become dispensable if that role is no longer needed. With the two recent redundancies, she is not feeling very secure about her position. "I think LBB is feeling that was too," she said. "But he's really nice to work for and it seems like more of a team in Vinyl, so that will be good."

After we spoke, I finished up the things I had been working on and then left before Boss Lady. I was feeling much more positive about things, not so anxious that I must get every little thing done and reassured that it wasn't just me who was feeling a sense of insecurity and disillusion with this place. I think she is keeping an eye out for other opportunities and I don't blame her. We rarely get a chance to have a proper talk and it was nice to actually talk to her as a person, especially since she is so encouraging and supportive about career advancement and suchlike. I had been meaning to buy her a card for when I left, just to say thank you.

Tonight, I ended up staying late again. Boss Lady was also staying behind. "I'd rather stay a couple of hours now than try and do it in the morning," she explained, knowing I understand her way of time management and that she is a bit of a night owl, like me. We both worked in silence for the most part, again in a virtually empty office, until I spoke to her to explain a few of the things I was going to hand over or try and complete before the end of the week. "Don't get anxious about it," Boss Lady reassured me, "I mean, if you can't finish things, you can't finish them. I know you won't mind me asking next week if I can't find something. Anyway, it's not your problem, BlankFace can deal with it!" We laughed about the fact that BlankFace had apparently offered to deal with some of the email queries after I leave, since Boss Lady currently has to field queries in two generic email inboxes, as well as her own work email. After being off work for one day, she came back to 74 new emails in her own inbox, not even counting the other two that are getting steadily more busy and the start of the new round of applications creeps up on us. Boss Lady was almost giggling at BlankFace's complete underestimation of the work levels involved.

It's weird how a conversation or two to get things out in the open and share common gripes or observations can change your perspective to a much more positive one. I know that this move is probably a wise one for me in terms of career advancement, but I am really going to miss working with Boss Lady, Miss T and Mr. G. Even though Miss T has now taken to jokingly calling me a 'traitor' and discussing loudly in front of me whether I should still be allowed to participate in Payday Pizza.

"It's less money for you," I said, "if the bill is split four ways instead of three!"

"Yes, but there's less pizza for us that way," said Boss Lady, smiling.

They're gonna miss me, they're just frontin'. :o)

Dream Du Jour:

Visiting the house of a family, whose daughter, a young girl of about seven or eight, was dying. Me there, apparently to try and treat her or something, which mainly consisted of me just having to hold her weak, limp body in my arms, while talking to her and then trying to do other things (which I obviously couldn't, because I was holding her). Then me deciding to carry her outside, as their house was near the ocean, so she could at least see something nicer before she died, than the same four walls she had been looking at for ages. Me feeling helpless.

The bizarre dream factory is still in production.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Three Days (or Five Weeks) and Counting...

I have very little time to get everything done and yet I am still finding it hard to actually just do it. I was in a meeting this afternoon that took up 90 minutes, time during which I could completed at least two items on my to-do list. I now have a follow-up meeting scheduled for another 90 minutes tomorrow afternoon, which I could really do without. Thursday is going to be manic, as Boss Lady is away on Friday and for the first half of next week, so will probably be trying to get her own things done before she goes. I still have lots of paperwork on my desk: several files which need to be put away, papers that need to be either filed or shredded and various other things that can probably just be put in the recycling. The trouble is, I just feel so shattered, that the prospect of getting it all done in time is an exhausting one. Not to mention the various emails I need to follow up on, payments I need to reconcile, invoices I need to check and then raise and various other payments I need to process.

Will I get it all done? I doubt it. I need to finish anything that I have promised will be done before I finish, or at least let the relevant people know if is not feasible. I need to get rid of anything that is unnecessary, tidy up my email inbox, save important emails and any other documents on the shared drive or in the respective paper files and then generally just have a tidy up of my desk and my pedestal. Instead of just starting all this, why do I feel the need to write about how I am not going to be able to do it? It probably seems like an utter waste of time, time spent writing and talking about things instead of spent actually doing them. I think I like to write or talk to make sense of things in my head, to give myself a kind of pep talk, to plan things out so that I can actually see in black and white what needs doing. I do like writing lists and making plans. The execution is where I fail slightly. I have three full work days in which to finish it all.

After work tonight, I need to stop by the supermarket and get some goodies for Miss T, whose birthday is on Thursday. I was planning to buy some yummy stuff that she likes to eat, as I don’t want to get a random gift that she probably won’t use. I need to get her a card and was also going to get Boss Lady a thank-you card for her support this year and a general thank-you card for the team, because I’m really going to miss working with the three of them. I had been planning to make cupcakes, since Boss Lady got me a book of cupcake recipes for my birthday, but I would have to make them tonight, as tomorrow is the last day that everyone is here before I go. Instead, I may make the Rice Krispies squares (in both plain marshmallow and chocolate varieties) I have been planning to make, considering they will require very little cooking or preparation. Since Mr. G and Boss Lady are both vegetarian, I’ll have to stop by Whole Foods to see if I can find vegetarian marshmallows. If not, I’ll have to revert to plan B. I don’t have a plan B as yet, but I’ll think of one.

Aside from the work-related stuff I need to get through, I also need to have a serious tidy-up at home, in preparation for the arrival of Lisacles (aka Lolly), who is staying the weekend. I also need to do some laundry, wash up the cutlery and utensils and clean the bathroom. Additionally, I still have to finish my two essays for my lay-preaching course. They are only short (one and two pages respectively) and I have pretty much completed one of them and am about two-thirds finished with the other. I can probably do that tonight, if my shopping expedition isn’t too time-consuming. I have three evenings in which to get all this done.

Assuming I complete the majority of my to-do list, I have a lovely, relaxing weekend of fun to look forward to, which is just what I need. Five short weeks to get through, before I have some proper time off. I’m counting down!

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

I had really horrible dreams last night. I dreamt that Big Bro had died in a freak electrical accident. Bigger Sis had identified the body and was on TV saying that he had died instantly, which was at least reassuring for the fact that he didn’t suffer. She explained that he still looked like him, for the most part, but that he had burns of some sort on one side of his face or body. She seemed relatively calm and matter-of-fact as she explained it, but I was in floods of tears. My youngest niece was confused and couldn’t understand how it could have happened, which was even more heartbreaking. Then I had to tell Big Sis and my parents about it and I was crying so hard I could barely speak. For some reason, everyone was quite calm, or perhaps they were in shock, and I was the only one having such an extreme, overtly emotional reaction.

Then I was at work and Mini Me and another temp (who was completely fictional) were talking about leaving this week and how much work they were leaving behind and how terrible it was going to be for whoever was taking over the work, completely oblivious to the fact that the person was me. I felt like they were being really insensitive, so I tried to get on with my work and not get involved in the conversation. Then the head of the team I am moving to came past and said, “I’m trying out some panettone [that yummy Italian cake/bread with sultanas or other dried fruit in] now, have you already emailed me your two essays?” I was a bit confused and suddenly had a horrible fear that in order to make my new job official, I was meant to have submitted two essays to him, neither of which I had even been aware of and neither of which I had done. I do actually have two essays to finish in real life (which admittedly I am late in submitting), but they are for my lay-preaching course and thankfully not a requirement for starting my new job.

The dreams were really panic-stricken and I felt anxiety and high emotion the whole time, which doesn’t really help me to feel rested once I wake up. I don’t know why my dreams have got more disturbing and less enjoyable lately. I have always had very vivid and detailed dreams, but often they are quite random in a good way, or really amusing, so I at least wake up feeling entertained. Lately, however, it seems as though I have lots of worries churning around in my mind that aren’t being dealt with. I suppose my brain needs to deal with them and so the worries manifest themselves in this way.

It was weird, because I have had dreams before where I have been really upset and have woken up crying. But in this dream, I didn’t have any sense of having actually cried in real life, although in the dream I was really sobbing and could feel the emotion very strongly, like it was actually happening. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I am feeling exhausted all the time. Aside from the fact that my current mental and emotional condition makes me feel physically drained, these dark mornings and cold temperatures are not helping my energy levels, and when I actually sleep, I am probably using just as much mental and emotional energy with these intense dreams as I would be when I’m awake. If I wasn’t already having trouble waking up and getting up in the mornings, I would think about resorting to Night Nurse again, just to be able to switch my thoughts off while I sleep.

Monday, 16 November 2009

The Joy of Pizza

I got home tonight after having eaten nothing, except a nectarine and an apple, all day (oh, and a few biscuits from our team treat box). I still hadn’t received the bank card for my new account, so had no access to money, other than bring the print-out confirming my bank details to the bank branch and ask to withdraw money at the counter. Did I remember to bring the print-out with me? No, that would be too organised. Instead, I forgot it at home and had to last the day without any money for lunch. I got home exhausted and hungry. Big Sis was looking pretty tired herself, and no-one had eaten dinner yet, so after a very short time pondering, I decided to order pizza.

I ordered from Dominos online and am loving their new ‘progress of order’ page, that automatically updates at each stage of your order. It went from ‘Order received’ to ‘In the oven’ in a matter of minutes, and before long, was showing as ‘On the road.’ I was so hungry, but found a burst of energy sufficient to do a little dance of excitement when it said that. Soon it arrived and we were all stuffing our faces. We had a Veg-a-roma for Big Sis and Bro-in-Law and I shared our own concoction of chicken, ground beef, black olives, sundried tomato & garlic pizza sauce and herbs. We had potato wedges and chicken strippers on the side (no, they aren’t exotic dancers of the chicken variety). I wanted to update the progress of the order to ‘In my belly,’ but sadly the option wasn’t available.

We watched episode four of Flash Forward as we ate, Bro-in-Law filling me in on the basic back-story, since I haven’t got around to watching episodes one to three just yet. It was pretty good, so I decided I would probably have to catch the previous episodes online and get up to speed. Soon, 9.00pm had come and gone and I had promised to give The Mrs a call, so I retreated upstairs. She missed my calls, but called me back a while later. We had a chat about some things and then when we realised it was 10.45pm, we decided to call it a night and I watched some TV, while slowly getting drowsy. It was one of those lovely evenings where doing nothing felt like something.

Dad's Dinner

The morning of Dad’s birthday, Tuesday 10th, Mum sent and email to me, Big Sis and Bigger Sis. Mum had previously said that they had nothing planned and weren’t going to do anything special, so Big Sis and I said we would just come along to their house after work, to spend the evening with Dad. But instead, she suggested that we surprise Dad by going out for a meal near our place and that Bigger Sis come too. We agreed that it would be a nice idea and easier for us all travel-wise than getting to theirs, so Big Sis booked us a table at a local Thai restaurant. Unfortunately, Bro-in-Law has uni that night and so can’t come with us.

I arrived home that evening a bit later than intended, after stopping in HMV to buy Dad a present. Bigger Sis was already there, chatting with Big Sis. I laughed at the fact that I knew this as soon as I entered the front door, due to the two large bags on the hallway floor. Bigger Sis is prepared for any occasion and a self-confessed bag lady. Must be where I get it from. :o) We had a hug and a quick chat, then realised we had to get moving since the table was booked for 6.30pm and it was already that time. We could make the ten-minute walk with relative ease, secure in the knowledge that Mum and Dad are usually notoriously late and would never get there before us. Again, must be where I get it from. :o)

As we walked, Bigger Sis informed us that she had got herself the ultimate lazy person’s exercise machine. “As you get older, even if you’re relatively fit, every just starts to get looser,” she explained, much to our amusement, “your muscles just gradually start detaching themselves from your bones.” She told us about this machine for lazy people: “It’s a vibrator,” she started. “Er…I think that’s something else…” I interrupted, laughing. “Yeah, all right,” she said, smiling, “I’ve already had my workmates saying all this. I’ve already told them it doesn’t come with attachments.” She continued to explain that it is a vibrating plate that you simply had to stand on for no more than ten minutes, three times a week. Like those muscle toning pads that tense your muscles for you without any effort on your part, the vibrations apparently tone up your muscles without you having to do anything at all. “It’s not aerobic, though,” she warned, “so it won’t make you fit, but it does help tone everything up, it’s working already!”

Big Sis and I were extremely intrigued and vowed to give this thing a go when we go to Bigger Sis’ house for lunch in a few weeks’ time. We giggled and made silly comments about it all the way to the restaurant, which we arrived at in good time. Even though it is only a ten-minute walk from my house and it has been there for fifteen-twenty years, I have never actually been to the restaurant before. It soon became clear that Big Sis had, as when we entered, the wait staff seemed to be on first-name terms with her, which we then tease her about for the rest of the evening. The interior of the restaurant was beautiful. It’s a Thai place and the ceiling was covered with opened, upturned, colourful, far-eastern style umbrellas. There was lots of gold in the décor, but tastefully so. The waitresses looked lovely in their uniforms of typical Thai dress. The waiter is called Sam and has a chat to Big Sis, who informs him that we are her sisters. I don’t think he gets what she is saying, at first. When he takes our drink orders, he asks me “Are you her sister?” “Yes,” I reply, “all of us are sisters.” He looks at me like he doesn’t understand for a second. “Honestly!” I say, “None of us look alike, do we?”

Bigger Sis had brought a cake with her, as agreed with Mum, and Big Sis brought the candles. Big Sis had asked when booking the table if it was okay for us to bring our own cake and they graciously obliged. They passed the cake on to the waitresses to keep in the back until the meal was over. “Whose birthday is it?” Sam enquired and we explained that it was Dad’s and he would be arriving with Mum quite soon. “What’s your Dad’s name?” he asked and Big Sis told him, then Bigger Sis said with suspicion, “Oh no, you probably shouldn’t sing to him, I don’t think he’d like that!”

Not long afterwards, Mum and Dad arrive. Mum had told Dad that they were driving to pick me and Big Sis up from home, to take us back to their house for food, or maybe somewhere nearby. Dad is not really expecting to go to a restaurant and certainly not expecting to see Bigger Sis with us. He looks pleasantly surprised as they turn the corner from the entrance into the restaurant and see us sitting at the table. There are big hugs all round. They order drinks and we all giggle when Mum drains her mango juice. Er…were you thirsty, Mum?!

We give Dad his birthday cards. Bigger Sis has bought Dad a Spike Milligan card which he loves, and a silly coaster which says, ‘You only get better as you get older. Unless you’re a banana.’ Bigger Sis has also bought Dad some tea. “I couldn’t think what to get you. But I know you drink tea and you can always use some more.” She has also brought some DVDs with her that she promised Dad she would lend him. Big Sis and I got Dad the latest Harry Hill’s TV Burp DVD, partly because we know he’ll like it (and secretly because I just want to watch it with him).

Sam had to come back several times to check if we are ready to order, because we are talking so much and the menu is so vast. Not good for a food lover as indecisive as me. The menu had great names, like ‘Volcano Chicken’, ‘Jungle Beef’ and ‘Drunkard’s Noodles’. I crack up when, after jokingly complaining that he “can’t find fish and chips” on the menu, Dad manages to stick to the English stereotype by finding the only thing in the Thai restaurant that has potatoes in it! “That’s why I ordered it,” he says to me matter-of-factly, smiling.

Once we had finally ordered our food, we sit talking until we hear a phone start ringing quite loudly, with the old-school Nokia ringtone. “Is that mine?” Bigger Sis asks, then answers her own question with, “It must be, no-one else has that old ringtone!” I look in her bag and confirm her suspicions as I see the green glow of an old mobile phone screen. She answers and finds it is Big Bro, calling from Cape Town. It is perfect timing – for one, because he didn’t know we were going out to eat this evening since it was a last-minute arrangement; secondly, because he wasn’t to know that Bigger Sis would be there either; thirdly, because he called in the short space of time after us ordering our food and before it actually arrived. “Do you want to speak to the birthday boy?” Bigger Sis asks. Dad has a chat to Big Bro for a while and then afterwards passes the phone to me. I speak to him and ask how the rest of the family are and tell him that Dad managed to order the only Thai dish that contained potatoes, which he finds very amusing. He asks about work and I tell him that I am starting a new job soon. “Oh that’s good,” he says, “Is it more interesting?” “Er…no, I don’t think so,” I say, laughing, “but it pays better, so I suppose that makes it more interesting!” I eventually pass the phone back to Bigger Sis, after sending all our love to his family, then they have a good old natter until the food arrives. Someone next to us has ordered the ‘Volcano Chicken’ which lives up to its name, as it is flambéed with a shot of cognac which promptly sends huge flames upwards, threatening to set the beautiful ceiling of umbrellas alight.

The table is full of food. We have ordered a main dish each, as well as two vegetable dishes (garlic spinach and mixed seasonal vegetables) on the side for us to share. Big Sis and I go halves with our egg fried rice and garlic fried rice (the garlic rice is delicious). There are three of the same dish with cashew nuts, but with different ingredients: tofu for Big Sis, chicken for Bigger Sis and Lamb for Mum. I had chicken with ginger and some other yummy stuff. The food isn’t quite as spicy as we hoped, especially since Bigger Sis asked for hers to me medium spicy, but the flavours are delicious. Dad has an impressive copper two-handled pan for his curry, which he really enjoys; the lamb is very tender and the potatoes are…well, potatoes! He finishes the whole lot, but is slightly disappointed with the salad he ordered on the side, which winds up being spicier than the curry!

Soon, we start to get full. The table is cleared and we ask them for a doggy bag for the excess. As they take away all the dishes, Big Sis subtly asks them to bring the cake. We chat for a little while, looking at the dessert menus to disguise our sneaky plan, then all of a sudden, four of the wait staff appear. They have apparently taken Bigger Sis’ suggestion that they not sing and amusingly translated it as ‘sing loudly and bring instruments.’ They carry the cake in, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ accompanied by maracas and a tambourine. I am cracking up with laughter and Dad looks suitably embarrassed/impressed/amused. They leave us the cake and don’t make much of a fuss, which is perfect. Dad eventually blows out the candles and attempts to start cutting the cake using the torture-like utensils they have left us. The cake is from Patisserie Valerie and is beautiful but very simple – a square chocolate sponge, extremely light, with a layer of whipped cream – almost like a huge tiramisu. It is topped with five strawberries, which works out perfectly for one each.

Bigger Sis apologises that it probably won’t live up to Dad’s own cakes, but he really enjoys it. It is just the right amount of sweet and not heavy at all, so doesn’t make us feel sick after our mammoth meal. There is a slice left which Dad and Bigger Sis encourage one of us to finish, even though we probably should take it home for Bro-in-Law. “He doesn’t know there was a cake,” says Big Sis jokingly, which makes Bigger Sis roar with laughter. “Yeah Dad,” I tease, “all those cakes you give us to take home, never make it to Bro-in-Law.” Mum seals the deal by cutting the slice and eventually, Big Sis and I make everyone laugh by taking it in turns to say “Oh, that side’s not even. I better even it out by eating this little bit.”

Soon, we decide it is probably time to leave. It’s not quite 10.00pm. Big Sis goes to orders take-out for Bro-in-Law. We pay the bill and leave a generous tip and then Sam helps us with our coats. They give Dad a little golden elephant key ring as a memento, which is really quite sweet. We thank them for a really lovely evening and then say our goodbyes, with Sam saying farewell and telling Big Sis to “say hello to Bro-in-Law,” which cracks me up.

We convince Mum and Dad to come back to ours for a cuppa (or a tipple, in Bigger Sis’ case). We take our time making tea, then chat and giggle over our beverages while eating the odd biscuit from the organic selection Bigger Sis has randomly given us. After a while, Dad seems ready to go home. It has been a really enjoyable evening and most importantly, it seems that Dad really enjoyed himself. We hug and kiss before they leave, then Bigger Sis gets ready and we walk her to the station for the next train. We keep her company for the few minutes until the train arrives. “Text us when you get home,” I tell her, as she gets on the train. “OK,” she answers, “but if I don’t, don’t be offended, will you?” We wave and blow kisses goodbye, then Big Sis and I crack up on the walk home about her logic. Er…okay, we won’t be offended, but how will we know you got home all right?! Lol!

Dad is doing so well for his age and we are so blessed that he has been in good health and of sound mind for yet another year. It was a perfect evening. I hope we have many more like that to come.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Thinking and Speaking

So, another weekend has come and gone, with me having very little recollection of its presence. Big Sis and I went home much earlier than usual on Saturday, getting home before sunset, which is a rarity, especially considering sunset is currently sometime between 4.00 and 4.30pm. We had decided to get back early because I had to work on the sermon I was meant to be presenting on Sunday, as part of the lay-preaching course we’ve both been attending. Big Sis was going to work on the written assignments (also due on Sunday), having already presented her sermon. I hadn’t even started the written assignments, but let’s not even talk about that just yet, lol.

We got home and Big Sis was trying to be helpful, by keeping me company to try and keep my focus and then sharing things she thought might be relevant to my topic. Despite all of this, my brain felt utterly dead. I collected some verses of Scripture that I wanted to use, but I stared blankly at the screen as I struggled with actually piecing them together with some discernible thread. I wanted to sleep, but knew that I was already running out of time, so couldn’t afford to. Several hours, a few sketchy ideas and an episode of both Harry Hill’s TV Burp and the X Factor later, I was not really any closer to getting a coherent talk together.

Eventually, I went to sleep at about 1am, setting my alarm for 6.30am, with the hope that an hour or two in the morning would be sufficient to tie everything together. I was feeling completely incapable and asked God to forgive my disorganisation and lack of preparation and to help give me the words He wanted me to say. I knew what I had gained from my reading of the various texts and knew vaguely how I wanted to present the topic, but my brain was seemingly functioning with neither speed, nor skill.

6.30am came and went and I could barely open my eyes. Eventually, Big Sis came to knock on my door at about 8.00am to wake me up. She very kindly offered to make me tea. I appreciated her help, but felt completely unable to do what needed to be done. I was very close to not bothering to go in and just resigning to having failed the course. I got my laptop and started piecing together the thoughts I had. I had prayed that God would give me what I needed, but even when praying it was a struggle to string a sentence together. Eventually, things were falling into place and I printed out the texts I was going to use, while I got ready and dressed. I was going to be about 15 minutes or so late, but I knew I wasn’t scheduled to speak until much later in the day, so late was better than a no-show. I thanked Big Sis for her help and nipped to the train station, only to find that the train was running 20 minutes late. OK, I was probably going to be even later than expected. I arrived at the church at about 10.30am (it started at 10.00am) and found myself a seat. Our class was split into two groups and my half of the class was seated in the main sanctuary, which was both more and less daunting than the smaller room the other group had, in equal measure.

The morning went by and I heard some really good messages, lots of food for thought, lots of different topics and styles of speaking, some very confident speakers and some very timid. It was really encouraging that so many people were willing to get involved, despite their varying experience, capabilities and personalities. Luckily, I wasn’t scheduled until after lunch, so I had enough time to sort out my notes, get things in order and scribble down a few things in time for the afternoon.

What left the biggest impression on me was the fact that, particularly in the afternoon, the messages all seemed to have common elements to them. One lady who spoke about two places before me, mentioned the analogy in the Bible of likening the trials and difficult experiences we go through to a refiner's fire, so that in the same way precious metals like gold and silver and refined in a fire to remove any impurities, the fires of life's struggles purify us so that only the most precious and pure parts of us remain. I had referred to the exact same analogy in my message, but we had used completely different texts as a reference point, so there was no duplication. It was really amazing how there were several common threads like this, but each time the next message simply expanded on what had previously been said. No two people used exactly the same viewpoint or example. It was a really encouraging experience.

By the time all of the candidates had spoken and the day was over, it was after 4.00pm. I got the bus to the station and realised I was feeling absolutely shattered. Even though I had been sitting down virtually all day, listening to and concentrating on so many different talks, all while trying to mentally prepare for my own before actually presenting it, was surprisingly tiring. I got home, feeling incredibly tired and rather grumpy, but was relieved that it was over and had gone relatively well. I was glad Big Sis had given me the little push I needed to persevere. I think I would have given up otherwise.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Delaying Gratification

I remember reading a year or so ago about ‘delayed gratification’ in M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled. It is something that I didn’t think was a problem for me, but in reality (like everything, lol) the skills don’t match the perception. If I remember correctly, in the book Dr. Peck gave the example of children, siblings for example, who get the same amount of sweets. Some children will eat a few and then save some to eat later. Others wolf them down virtually as soon as they get them. Some won’t eat any there and then, but will keep them for a special treat at a later time. I remember when I was growing up and both Big Sis and I would get treats at Christmas. Weeks later, she would still have some left, whereas mine had all been greedily consumed. I wasn’t the eat-them-all-in-one-go child, but I would usually eat most of them during the couple of weeks of the Christmas holiday period. I would then have to watch Big Sis still enjoying her sweets and chocolates in January, when mine had all long gone.

The point of this example was that how one reacts in this kind of situation, even as a child, says a lot about our ability to delay gratification when we get older. It is not as trivial as whether we wait until we have finished our dinner in order to allow ourselves dessert. It affects our relationships, our satisfaction in life, our achievements and our attitudes towards work. Some people bounce from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, because they are not patient enough to build the slow foundation that the longest-lasting relationships often require. Other people don’t fulfil their potential because they want to see the positive results immediately and therefore won’t commit to anything that requires consistent effort over a longer period. Many people remain unhappily overweight or unhealthy, because they choose the instant buzz they get from the unhealthy food they enjoy rather than choosing the long-term and gradually-evident benefits that being healthy requires, through permanent changes in diet and lifestyle.

I can relate to this way of thinking, because I know I am a less disciplined person than I would dearly like to be. I have seen and felt the benefits of being restrained with indulgence (not just with food), of making time for regular exercise, early nights and a balance of healthy foods with regular little treats. I know that choosing to forego regular frivolous spending on pretty things in favour of saving for a big treat like a holiday or something I really need, is way more satisfying. I understand that all the things in life that give us the biggest sense of achievement are those which don’t happen overnight, but are the things that take the most effort on our part. The things you work hardest for are the things you appreciate the most. It’s the same with relationships. Often, in romantic relationships, people take the easier route of looking elsewhere for excitement or just leaving, rather than choosing the difficult task of working through problems and discussing their issues to make the relationship better. Or they do the opposite and stay stuck in an unhealthy relationship, rather than taking the difficult decision to do the right thing of having the courage to say that the relationship has reached its end. It happens in friendships too. We often just write people off because that is an easier and quicker solution than being patient with them, or trying to improve things.

As it is, I am currently displaying the very behaviour I am talking about. I have a to-do list at work as long as my arm, but instead of actually biting the bullet and getting on with completing some of those tasks, I am writing a blog post about how people are often incapable of delaying gratification and put off the hard but necessary things, in favour of doing the things that are perhaps less important but most enjoyable. I am a master of irony. I will probably still be at work at 7.00pm, trying to finish the things I should have been doing now, instead of arriving home at the time I would normally be, when I could have written this blog tucked up cosily in bed. What was the point of this post?? Lol. Oh yeah, I remember. I’ve realised that life is more fulfilling and one’s character more refined, if one can be disciplined enough to put the hard work in before enjoying the rewards. It’s a reflection of our society, that things are disposable. That if we want something, we can have it now, even if we can’t afford it – just stick it on credit! That things (even people and relationships) aren’t worth fixing because it’s quicker, easier and cheaper to just get a new one. That sacrificing even the most trivial pleasures in this life is boring, even if it means an eternity of happiness in the next. No-one said that building character was easy. But we’ve been taught that we can just get the flat-pack version, one which we can assemble almost instantly. It may appear to be sturdy, but it won’t be as solid as a character that has been lovingly formed by careful and skilled hand-crafting over time. Furthermore, just like the antique pieces of solid wood furniture that are deemed valuable enough to be handed down as family heirlooms, a character formed in a similar way is the kind that can be passed down to one’s children, the kind of character that they want to inherit and emulate.

To say that ‘life is a journey’ is a cliché, but it’s a true one. You don’t get to any destination, especially one that is far away, without some effort on your part. The higher you set your sights, the further you have to travel to get there, but the beauty of it is that it is always worth it once you do. NY Guy once told me that without the bitter, the sweet isn’t as sweet. There is a lot of truth in that. Your appreciation for all things good grows exponentially, when you have experienced something bad to compare it to. An achievement that didn’t require work to achieve, isn’t much of an achievement at all. I know I might be experiencing a time in my life that is seemingly pointless, that feels too difficult to get through, that seems to be stagnating and making little movement forward. But I’m trying to remember that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” [Romans 5:3-5, NIV]. There is purpose in even the most inexplicable circumstances. Even if you are temporarily lying in the gutter, at least you can look up at the stars.

I think I may have found my sermon topic. :o)

Getting To The Point

Forgive the melancholy. It's one of those days and the tiredness is getting to me.

The manic panic begins.

Once this afternoon is over, I only have five days left to tie up all the loose ends in my current job. I say ‘loose ends,’ but I think that might be an understatement. I have so much to do. I am also getting stressed because this Sunday, I have to give my 15-minute sermon as part of my lay-preaching course. Not especially lengthy, you may think. Yes, that’s true, but considering the fact that I haven’t even started it, other than had thoughts on what the basic premise of my message is going to be about, I have quite a lot to be getting on with. Not to mention the fact that I also have two written assignments to complete, that need to be handed in on the same day. I say ‘complete,’ but that also includes me actually starting them, once I have finished the reading I was meant to have done gradually over the past 5 months. *sigh* I don’t think going back to studying would be for me. I am rubbish at being disciplined with this sort of thing and always leave things till the last minute. I don’t think I could cope with the stress of dealing with my own shoddy organisational skills.

I have taken the day off work tomorrow, in order to get the assignments and so forth done. Quite how I am going to manage it all in just one day, I’m not sure yet. Additionally, Mum, Big Sis and I have agreed to lead the music in the service at church on Sabbath, so Mum will no doubt be fussing at me about song choices on Friday evening and then panicking over us not having practiced on Friday night, as Big Sis isn’t coming to hers. We are meant to be having a Maranatha meeting at a friend’s house for Sabbath lunch, so there will probably be a Bible study afterwards, meaning another packed day. Then my course is all day on Sunday, so I’m not going to have a whole lot of time after that in which to do all the errands and laundry and housework I need to get done. Next week is going to consist of long hours and busy days, as I try to get everything outstanding out of the way, in time for the 23rd. Lolly is staying over next weekend, which will probably be just what I need, although I’m hoping I don’t just collapse, come the evening of the 20th. I just need someone to stop time temporarily, so that I can have two days of straight sleep and can wake up refreshed and feeling more able to actually tackle my huge to-do list.

I am tired and lacking in sleep, but it's my own fault. I felt incredibly emotional last night and started to feel like I wasn’t coping again. It has been just about a year since I actually realised I was suffering from depression and I feel discouraged by the fact that I have made very little progress in that area. Occasionally, I wonder what the point of breaking up with NY Guy even was. I knew that there were elements of the relationship that were making me unhappy, but I’m not necessarily any happier now. In relationships, you might have some difficult times, but you at least have the fun times to balance it out. My current state feels almost like a bad relationship without any of the good parts, except this relationship is with myself and not one I can just leave. I know I had good reasons for walking away from that and I know that I am just feeling low and looking back on a not-so-good situation with blurry vision. But the hope was that all the changes I had made and all the decisions I had come to, were going to actually make a difference to my life, and a positive one at that. I’m struggling to find the positivity at the moment. Although I know deep down that I am making slow progress, the meaning and purpose of this past year is lost on me.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Mind Games

It has been no more than a week since I sent The Ex the text asking that he no longer contact me. I know that in normal terms, that is a short space of time. In my world, specifically the part of it that involved him and particularly after the nature of my most recent message, that is a fair while. It’s weird, because this is what I wanted. I am not complaining, I am just not completely ready to believe that it is over for good. When enough time has passed, I feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted. I know deep down that him not being involved in my life is a much healthier situation for me. But until such time has passed, I sense this horrible ominous feeling hanging over me. I still have the subconscious worry that one morning soon when I leave for work, or one evening when I am arriving home, I will see the familiar car parked near my house and will be forced to confront the situation yet again, like I have done so many times before. If I get an external call at work, especially in the afternoon, I panic for a split second before answering, wondering if he is going to try his luck because he knows I have no way of knowing it is him. Generally, I feel much less anxious and much happier that I have one less upsetting thing to deal with. But I still feel the slight sense of guilt that always takes me some time to shake off.

Last night, Bigger Sis thanked me for sending her my new number.

“I got a BlackBerry,” I told her by way of explanation (partly because I know she has one for work), “and it was loads cheaper to get a new number.”

“Yes, but it also helps get rid of your ex-stalker,” she said knowingly, without a trace of humour.

Hearing someone say that, without joking, took me by surprise and for a second, I almost had the feeling that I should defend him. I often make excuses for people, or justifications for their actions, even if it's just speculative, or playing devil's advocate. I don't know why.

It’s partly my fault that he acts like that, because I have taken his calls and have seen him. It’s partly my fault, because I was emotionally vulnerable and unstable and I made some silly decisions. It’s partly my fault, because I’m obviously not a strong enough person to deal with the situation properly. It’s my fault if he calls me one hundred times in one evening, because I should have just answered the phone. It’s my fault if he then turns up at my house and shouts up at my window, because I should just speak to him rather than refusing to. It’s my fault he calls me at work because I should have just given him my new number.


It’s a classic way of messing with someone’s mind – subtly turning every situation around, so that the blame is always deflected onto them. My head knows that the situation isn’t and wasn’t right. But my heart always gets taken advantage of, so that my good nature is manipulated. I take the blame, I feel guilty, I give more chances, I compromise. I let so many things slide in the past, sacrificed things for the sake of relationships, then realised that all that did was reinforce the other person’s negative behaviour by letting them know it was okay to treat me that way. I put other people first in relationships so much, that even after the relationship ended, I still felt obliged to give in to what they demanded. Now that I am trying to put my own sanity and mental/emotional well-being first, I’ve realised just how much I must have neglected doing this in the past, simply because of how hard I find it.

I think I need to revisit the post I wrote about familiarity. I have occasional light-bulb moments, but then the clarity of thought gets clouded by the fog of emotions and negativity and bad experiences. At least I have a record of the realisation I came to, even if it was only a temporary one. Reading back on it all helps to remind me of the things I don’t want to forget. I am glad I started this stream of consciousness, my equivalent of Dumbledore’s Pensieve, for that reason alone.

I'll Make My Own

I had some seriously detailed dreams again last night. I won't explain all the mundane and slightly worrying specifics of them, but they were detailed to the point that I went into a newsagent's to buy some snacks and cans of Rio and ended up with a bar of Turkish delight Aero (which as far as I know doesn't exist and I can't fathom how it could even be a feasible idea, but let's leave that there). But before I bought it, I checked the ingredients and saw that it contained beef gelatine, meaning I could eat it. Then, I eventually woke up in the middle of reading the ingredients lists on other chocolates and sweets, after finding that most of them contained pork gelatine, which I don't eat. I hate how depressingly realistic my dreams are, lol. I think the fact that my recent exciting discovery of just how delicious Rice Krispies Squares are (both original marshmallow and chocolate varieties) and then my hugely disappointing discovery not long after that they are made with pork gelatine, must be playing on my mind!

My disappointment has been turned to determination and I have purchased marshmallows from Sainsbury's (made with beef gelatine - I am going to find veggie ones at some point, but they aren't so readily available), will be buying a box of both Rice Krispies and Cocoa Pops (or Cocoa Krispies as they are in the US - makes sense) and will be making a nice big batch of my very own treats this weekend! Or maybe next, depending on how much time I have. I told you food was my best motivator.

Rememberance Day

With gratitude for all the lives given for the freedoms we enjoy today;
sadness for the lives lost in the name of causes still unknown;
anger at the notion that oil, money and power are more valuable than human life;
respect for the bravery of those whose service for their country was a duty, not a choice;
compassion for the millions of people whose lives have been torn apart by unwanted conflict;
grief for the many children of both soldiers and civilians, who are now fatherless as a result;
hope that war will one day be a memory that is replaced by peace.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Gym vs. Kit-Kats

"Mr. G, you've got to go to the gym for me today," said Miss T at lunchtime, to Mr G's amusement.

"Oh really?" he said, laughing.

"Yeah, you can take my gym stuff," Miss T replied, "I'm going to stay here and eat Kit-Kats."

Surprisingly, Mr. G didn't take her up on such a generous offer.

Good Influences

I met one of my not-so-next-door neighbours on the train this morning. He lives across the way from me and we went to the same primary school, but we don’t bump into each other very often. He is an actor and is doing quite well for himself. Every now and then we see each other on the train, or around our area and have a little catch-up. He’s a really nice guy, very genuine and pleasant. I missed the play he did recently that he had invited me to, which I was disappointed about. I had planned to go towards the end of the run in late October (when I would actually have money to buy a ticket), but when I remembered, it was early November and I had missed it! We spoke on the train about the things he has coming up and whether there are any more events I will actually make it to this time. He’s a bit younger than me, but I was pleased to find out that he’s only younger by a couple of years, which was not as much as I had thought and which didn’t make me feel quite so old!

Speaking to him during the train journey, especially after the text conversation with my other friend last night, I felt perked up for some reason. It’s nice hearing about other people’s successes and knowing they are doing well and enjoying what they do. I suppose it’s an antidote to the lack of excitement in my own life and the grey filter that currently seems to colour my vision. I feel somewhat encouraged and reassured, but I don’t exactly know why. One of my other school friends who I often see on the train (but haven’t seen for a while), once teased that I was a depressing influence in the morning. It was a Monday and I wanted to stay on the train and go back home rather than go to work. I know he was joking about my demeanour because he was saying exactly the same thing, but it still stuck in my mind. It made me especially conscious of the fact that my often lacklustre way of speaking, coupled with the fact that I am quite sarcastic at the best of times, I currently find it draining to be effusively enthusiastic about things and sometimes am simply just feeling low, may not be the most inspiring company for someone to be around. The strange thing is that I can often encourage others and help them to see things positively, but I don’t have the energy or capability at the moment to do it for myself. The next best thing is to be around people who are enthusiastic about life and hope it either rubs off on me or at least distracts me from whatever I am feeling. OK, it might not be a cure for the root cause, but it’s a coping mechanism and distraction tactic and right now, that’s better than nothing.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

It's my Pops' birthday today. He's a grand old age, but I won't reveal it here. :o) We didn't have anything planned, so I was going to go to their house after work just to spend the evening with him. But Mum emailed suggestions this morning for dinner this evening, so we are going to surprise him with a dinner at a Thai restaurant tonight - me, Big Sis, Bigger Sis and Mum. Bro-in-Law has a lecture at uni, so unfortunately can't come. Bigger Sis is bringing a cake! Dad doesn't really want for much nowadays, but I think he will be more than happy with a quiet family gathering.

Happy Birthday, Daddy Ducks!!!

Soundtrack To My Night

I got home after a day of clock-watching and great difficulty being at work. Big Sis had gone out for dinner with some old friends, so I chatted with Bro-in-Law in the kitchen, while he waited for the oven to heat up and I put the dishes away. I was feeling shattered. I got myself some food and retreated upstairs to eat and watch some TV. I had promised The Mrs I would give her a call, so we had a quick chat about a difficult situation she has to deal with tomorrow. I wanted to have a nice hot bath, so I put the heating on and waited for the water to get extra hot, surfing the net with the TV on in the background. CSI had just finished and an episode of Numb3rs was just starting. I have never watched it, but left it on while I checked my emails.

Gradually, I paid less attention to the laptop and more attention to the TV, as I recognised the song playing in the background of the episode. It was a song called 'I Don't Know,' by a band called Dead Rabbit - the brainchild of a friend I have known since I was about six. I was so excited! I know he has a lot of contacts in the music business and has been doing fairly well for himself, but I don't think an album under this alias has been commercially released. Hearing it being played, for a good few minutes, on a well-known US television show is pretty big!

I grabbed my phone to send him a congratulatory text, but realised I hadn't yet transferred his number to my new phone. After scrolling through my contacts on my old phone, I saw three numbers saved under his name, but couldn't remember which one was the right one. He'd sent me a text a few months back, so I went back into my text messages to find it, so I could use the right number. As I scrolled back through the many undeleted messages I had, the past six months went flashing before my eyes and I suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad. I read through some of the old texts, some of them too painful to read all the way through, some painful because I read them all the way through and some painful because of hindsight and the way things have panned out since. Before I knew it, I was almost sobbing, tears streaming down my face, and I realised that I hadn't really cried for ages. I have been on the verge of crying several times lately, but I just feel choked and can't seem to get rid of the emotion. I often just feel numb and blank. It was weird feeling sad for a specific reason, rather than the general malaise I feel most of the time.

Eventually, I found the number I needed and made a note of it, before turning off the old phone and trying to shut off the memories with it. I sent him a text and then ran the bath, before sinking down into the bubbles and then slathering my hair in a hot oil treatment before washing it. Lots of lathering, conditioner and exfoliation later, I was squeaky clean and ready to get into my pyjamas for bed. My friend had messaged me back and we had a conversation by text back and forth, while he got me up to speed on the latest developments. He asked about me more than once and each time I tried to fob him off with "nothing new happening with me" or "just working, same old," rather than go into any detail about the fact that I am not going through the most enjoyable period of my life at the moment and that I honestly have nothing of any interest that I could update him on. He sounded loads happier than he did when I last spoke to him, when he was experiencing some rough relationship issues. The things he is doing seem to be keeping him occupied, satisfied and mentally and creatively stimulated and it was obvious from the tone of his messages that he was in a much better place. I was pleased for him and told him so. It's great seeing people's successes when you have seen them from almost the beginning of their journey and all the work, effort and perseverance they have put in to get where they are. I really admire his determination and focus, especially in an industry that can be as fickle and impenetrable as the music business can be. His good news was a welcome distraction from my own feelings of loneliness.

We chatted by text for a while, me reluctant to go to sleep even though I really needed to. He sent me some links to his latest stuff online and some videos that have been produced for a few of the tracks. He asked if I’d seen his sleeve – the tattoo(s) covering his entire left arm – and I told him I had (courtesy of Big Sis, via Facebook). We discussed the cost, both monetary and physical (i.e. pain) and how long it had taken to do. Since we grew up together in church, he asked if I was still going. I told him that I was and that I really like the church I am attending right now, and he seemed pleased that I was still ‘keeping the faith.’ I knew his own beliefs had moved away in recent years from what we had been brought up believing and that he had told me a while back that he didn’t think he believed in God. However, he said that he had been debating whether to go back to church sometime, but was wrestling with the idea. I mentioned that the church I go to streams its services live online, so he could always watch on the website if he felt the desire for a spiritual connection without feeling ready to actually physically go to the church building. He appreciated the suggestion and I felt intrigued that his opinion had changed from the strong opposing feelings he had seemed to hold a year or so ago.

Eventually I decided I should get some sleep, sometime near 2am, and we agreed that we would catch up sometime soon. He lives relatively near me and we haven’t seen each other in years. I think I bumped into him one time about three years ago, but since then we have just exchanged the odd email or text intermittently. It is weird how quickly years pass and where life can take you. People’s paths may take them in completely different directions, but the paths can still intersect again, sometimes just the once, or maybe at regular intervals. At times, I have needed to remove certain relationships from my life, but I’ve decided that in general, I’m not one to completely burn bridges. It may not always be possible, right or wise, but when it is, I’ve realised that I like to keep the door of reconciliation open, as much as possible.

Monday, 9 November 2009

G*N*O*M*E

I opened Outlook last Thursday morning, to find an email with the subject heading ‘G*N*O*M*E’ and the greeting ‘Hello Bunningtons!’ Hee hee, I’m liking this already. We are trying to organise dates for the inaugural meeting and it looks like it might be lots of fun.

The end.

End Of The Paper Trail

OK, step one of improving my home environment: reducing paper waste, especially the kind that has personal details on that require secure disposal (i.e. shredding). I’ve gone paper-free for my bank statements (x3), credit card statements (x2) and phone bill. I have two other monthly bill accounts I need to change, but one of them won’t give me the option online for some reason and the other I still need to find out about because I can’t log in to my account online. It took me seconds and is such a small change to make, but will make a relatively big difference to things. I virtually never read the paper statements anyway because I check my accounts online, and so I usually leave them until there are loads to open and file, which takes ages and gives me an extra task on my perpetual to-do list that is completely unnecessary. Not to mention the fact that I have to file all such statements, which takes up storage space in my room that I could use much more efficiently.

One more teeny baby step, towards domestic nirvana.