Drawing Board and Square One....As In Back To

I heard back from the CCCS again (the charity who were setting up a debt management plan for me).  I had forgotten to list one of my creditors (a payday loan) and needed to amend these details before signing and returning the debt management plan agreement to them.  A gentleman emailed me back and advised me to start the process from scratch, as the change in information might mean the advice I would receive would be different.  I did so relatively easily, as I have all the necessary information to hand, then received the advice pack tailored for me once they had processed the information.  Instead of the previous information confirming that I couldn’t meet my debt payments and explaining how to set up the debt management plan for me, this new advice pack said that I had enough to pay off my debts, but would just need to prioritise my payments and cut back on spending.  This is all stuff I already know and would be capable of, if the payday loans I owe could be paid in instalments and didn’t require me to pay them back in full at the end of the month as they actually do.

The whole point of me going to this charity was for help because I am not coping on my own – so that they could contact my creditors on my behalf and make the arrangements for me, which I was determined to stick to.  It felt easier to contact people and have the added support of saying, “I can’t meet my payments, I have set up a debt management plan with CCCS and they will be contacting you on my behalf to arrange a payment plan,” instead of, “I can’t meet my payments.  Sorry.”  I had already typed all the letters stating the former, put them in addressed envelopes which were ready to be sent as soon as I got the go-ahead from CCCS.  I have tried to get myself organised and prepared, only to be told that I have to just do it all alone.  I keep trying to make progress but keep getting set back. 

At lunch, I felt little appetite, as if all the money I owe was stashed away in my stomach.  I took out my notebook, identified the amount I could probably spend on repaying my debts each month and split it proportionally to see how long it might take me.  The most problematic debts would be paid in four months.  The others would take two or three months longer, but I would be paying more than the minimum payments during that time, so wouldn’t need to contact them to make any special arrangements.  It would be an achievable plan, provided that the creditors would accept me paying back debts over four months that I had originally agreed I would pay back in one.  But it would mean me biting the bullet, dredging up some courage from deep within and calling them to get them to agree the payment plan.  This was what I was hoping the CCCS would do.  Without this option, it would just be me fighting the battle alone.  No more ostrich behaviour for me.  This would require confronting the problems and trying to get them into shape on my own terms.  A scary prospect.

I feel a bit like I am back to square one.  Maybe not square one in the same place I was before and definitely not square one in quite the same mind set as before, but square one in terms of progress, nonetheless.  Back to the drawing board we go.  I'm hoping the plan is a better one this time.

Time Off, Time Out and Time to Get Stuff Done

I’ve requested some time off as annual leave.  Flame-Grilled suggested I do so (only if I wanted to, of course) before our busy summer period really kicks in at the beginning of July.  Things calm down slightly towards the end of summer, but then before we know it, it is start of session and busy again, as a new academic year has begun.  It means that there are a few months where taking any leave is pretty much out of the question.  I am hoping that I will have the house to myself during the day for my time off.  I absolutely have to sort things out at home and get my room back to being a haven rather than a hovel.  It will be perhaps more of a summer rather than spring clean, but that’s better than no clean at all.

I know I shouldn’t make big plans to sort my life out in this way.  I tend to do this when I feel motivated or vaguely positive, then when the time rolls around, laziness prevails or other appointments come up and I end up not completing (or even starting) half of what I had planned.  Then I feel bad at not achieving anything and feel even more demotivated.  I should probably set lower goals, or at least divide my goals into smaller ones of more reasonable size, which would be more realistic to achieve.  I set my hopes high, perhaps unattainably so, and then feel a failure when I can’t reach them.

The debt management plan I have been setting up is not fully in place yet and I can’t wait till they have all the paperwork and can get the process started.  I am so anxious to get things paid off so that I can start living with the kind of freedom I’ve been missing for some time.  You feel like a slave to your bills when you are struggling to pay them and for too long my money has been managing me and what I can do with my life, instead of me managing my money in order to live life the way I would like.  When everything is paid off, I will finally have a realistic chance to save up and move out, even though that would mean spending a lot more money on rent than I currently am.  I am desperate for my own place, but know it will be a big step for me in terms of responsibility and courage.  I seem to stay within my comfort zone, even when it is not so comfortable anymore.  The Mrs was saying something similar about this in terms of relationships – in that we stay in unhappy situations because the familiarity is easier to deal with than the potentially painful unknown.  It’s a case of better the devil you know than the one you don’t.

Anyway, I guess the revised plan for my time off work should be to hole up in my room, get some rest, do some things I enjoy, try to improve what I can in my room bit by bit and get through the last week before the June payday without spending much (if any) money.  Hopefully that is the sort of plan I can stick to. 

And Back Down We Go...

I know that in life we will have enough enemies and battles to face without beating ourselves up too, but I often think that my own worst enemy is me in any case, so perhaps it doesn't matter.  I am feeling low again, like things are too much to cope with and that I would rather not be here to face them.  I feel like running away, but have nowhere to run and lack the means with which to do it, anyhow.

I spent last night at Samson's and woke early (ish), partly because my alarm decided it would go off due to it being a weekday and all (apparently this smart phone isn't smart enough to know when it's a bank holiday) and partly because my second alarm went off an hour later, reminding me to take my meds.  I felt quite awake for a while, got up to use the toilet, returned to bed, checked the new messages on my phone and then lay there debating whether to just get up, go to the living room and watch TV.  Samson was pretty much fast asleep as usual.  I lay there thinking for a while, then figured I may as well just go back to sleep for a bit.

Two hours later, Samson woke me - he was still in bed, but was listening to the news on the radio.  It was about 11am.  This always happens - I wake early, debate getting up as I feel awake and should make the most of the morning, then give into laziness and wake again when Samson does and the morning is almost over. We lay in bed for a bit, listening to the radio, cuddling and talking, then he decided to get up and make us breakfast.  Opening the curtains revealed a blue sky dotted with clouds, but some sunshine was breaking through at least.  I got dressed slowly, then joined him in the living room for the crumpets and tea he had prepared.  We watched an episode of Quantum Leap while we ate and once both the episode and our breakfast were finished, on went the XBox for some more L.A. Noire.  I must admit I quite enjoyed watching him play and trying to help him solve crimes while watching the storyline unfold.  He might spend a whole day playing video games, but I spend a whole day watching him play them.  I think that might be rather more sad.

It was a lazy day as usual, and although I didn't feel especially like doing anything I felt sort of restless, with a sense of discontent gnawing away at me.  I flitted between paying attention to the game and my own thoughts, knowing that I couldn't put my finger on anything specific that was wrong, but knowing that I didn't feel quite right. Aside from my motional weirdness, my lower back was feeling weak and sore and my stomach felt odd - like I was bloated or overly full, or some other uncomfortable sensation that I couldn't identify.

Sometime later, I told Samson I was thinking I should probably up my meds again.  I have been taking one and two doses on alternate days with a view to going from two capsules daily to just the one, as I originally started on.  Things had being feeling more stable and I thought I was ready to reduce my dose again.  But the past week or two, things have taken a downturn.  I have started to feel reluctant to go to work again, have found myself feeling less positive and more weak and have felt on the verge of tears fairly often, none of which are good signs.  I've also felt more of a compulsion to pick at my skin, which I've found gets worse when I'm feeling particularly anxious.  Things felt manageable for a short while and now I feel as though I have too much on my plate again and can't see how to deal with it all.

I talked to Samson a little, but didn't really have much to say and didn't feel able to express quite what I felt in any case.  "I feel sad," was about all I could muster and it was too simple a phrase to aptly describe what was going on inside.  The afternoon was ticking away and I knew I had to leave for home soon.  I started feeling more anxious and the thought of having to leave made me want to burst into tears. We decided to go out to get some food, then brought it back home to eat.  After eating, I decided I should stop delaying and make a move.  I bumped into Samson's flatmate Paxton on the way out, who wishes me a Happy Birthday (his is two days before mine) and said he hoped I wasn't leaving because of him.  I reassured him I wasn't, but truthfully did think it was probably a good time to go before anyone else got home.  When I feel like this, I don't feel very sociable and if I can manage to make the effort to be, I end up feeling drained later on.

When I arrived home, I saw that Bro-in-Law's parents were just driving away.  Big Sis had told me they would be coming over for tea and cake, but they were leaving later than I had expected.  I was a little relieved they weren't going to be there when I got home.  I waved as they drove past and got home just as it was starting to rain.  When I got in, I had a quick chat with Big Sis and Bro-in-Law, asking how tea with the in-laws was and how there weekend had been. Everything was OK till I asked if Big Sis had spoken to the 'rents this week. She said no and reacted with an "oh dear," when I said I hadn't either. I said I felt scared as Mum would probably be angry with me for the birthday thing. Her reply was, "Well you did seem a bit ungrateful when you told her she could go home." Oh great, so now it is my fault! I hadn't meant to sound ungrateful, but Mum had said they might as well go home since we were taking so long and I said that they could if they wanted to, as I wasn't dressed, still had to get in the bathroom and I knew she was getting fed up as they had already been waiting an hour. This is why I sometimes just want to stay away from people. Pointless crap always happens and I end up feeling crap about it and responsible for it. I spent the rest of the evening in my room, feeling fed up and unsettled. My mood is steadily falling back down the scale.

Week in Review #28

This week has been…well, tiring.  Not for any particular reason or an excess of activity.  Just tiring.  The birthday blues spilled over from the weekend into the start of the week and left me feeling a little unenthusiastic (yep, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it).  Monday was a lazy day spent at Samson's.  We had breakfast, watched TV, made a chicken curry for lunch and watched The Other Guys (at my request) while eating some of the birthday chocolates he had bought me and a slice each of the yummy chocolate cream-filled sponge cake Dad had made me (yumminess overload).

I returned to work on Tuesday all lacklustre in attitude, asked by my colleague if I had a nice day off as I arrived (What, you mean the day I took off for my birthday?  Oh yes, I did. Not bitter!) and then had a meeting with my line manager and HR that morning about my sickness absences (what fun!)  The highlight of the day was the quiz night a group of us was going to that evening at a bar on campus.  After enthusiasm and cries of “I’m in!” in response to my email about it (I saw a poster about it and thought it sounded like a laugh, so sent an email out asking if people wanted to go), lots of people ended up not coming and instead there was a small group of us (8, with one of our number only coming for a drink or two and leaving before the quiz started).  We got some drinks in, some of us ordered food, and we had a chat before the quiz kicked off.

After much discussion (and round two of the quiz), we named our team ‘Close, But No Cigar’.  There were quite a few film and music questions (the last three ‘questions’ of each round comprised of the quizmasters playing the intros to pop songs, asking us to name the song and artist), as well as the usual random general knowledge and the odd sport trivia thrown in.  There was also a sheet of paper with 22 (partial) faces of famous people, some of their eyes only, others slightly warped to disguise them, which we had to name.  Midway through, we were about third or fourth from the bottom of the table.  When the final scores were totted up, we found to our surprise that we had placed joint second, just 1 ½ points off the top score.  We were all very impressed with ourselves, especially coming second meant we lived up our name.  The quiz cost £1 entry for each team member and the winning team won the money, which ended up being a fairly decent £65.  We didn’t get a prize for our efforts, but basked in the glory of doing much better than expected. 

It was a fun evening and I got to have a chat with our rather handsome new colleague, who has started in Gannet’s team.  He seems a really decent bloke and is possibly the best bachelor we have in our department at the moment, if he is indeed a bachelor.  I need someone to set him up with!  (Why do we try to turn all Cilla Black when we get in a relationship?  This is partly how me and Samson got together, with one of our newly loved-up colleagues Shoulders turning matchmaker in lieu of his previously flirtatious behaviour as a singleton.)  Anyway, he was really friendly and easy to talk to, so I wasn’t surprised to find out he is not from London.  Badges is the same, neither of them have that unfriendly, cynical, worn-down outlook that city natives have or long-term dwellers seem to develop.  I have told her to hold on to her lovely demeanour for as long as possible.

On Wednesday after work, I went to the High St with Samson – so he could buy L.A. Noire for his X-Box (which admittedly, does look like a really good game) and so I could get some food shopping to continue my money saving by bringing lunch with me to work.  I picked up bread rolls, yoghurts, salad, tomatoes, cheese spread, strawberries, nectarines, chicken kievs and macaroni cheese, as well as a couple of drinks.  I wanted to get more, but remembered I would have to carry it home on my own, so had to reign in my enthusiasm.  I realised that other than for the food I needed to get, I didn’t actually have the desire to shop.  Those days of walking when I had no bus money last month must have sunk in.  On my way home, after we had parted ways, I realised I had just missed a train, so I popped into Paperchase to kill a few minutes looking at their lunch box/bag items.  I found a bag that was just what I was looking for – a decent size, square, was insulated, and had a cute pattern, all for just under £10.  This little purchase would be both a payday treat and a practical buy.  I need to be disciplined with making my own lunch and bringing it to work as I can’t afford to spend £5 or more every work day buying something for breakfast on the journey in and then for lunch when I get there.  This way, I thought, I have a little incentive to encourage me.

Thursday seemed pretty much uneventful work wise, but I had planned to have dinner with Lolly that evening for a catch-up, as I hadn’t seen her for a decent amount of time in way too long.  We went to Giraffe, where I have been meaning to take Lolly for ages, as the food there is yumtastic and I knew she would approve.  I was right.  I had their Chicken Rodeo burger (a grilled chicken breast with garlic and herbs, topped with onion rings, mushrooms, cheese, a bit of salad and BBQ sauce) with fries and Lolly had the Chicken Schnitzel Kiev (a grilled and bread crumbed chicken breast with garlic and herb dressing, mashed potato and rocket).  For desert, I had their Chocolate Chunk Brownie (with vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce) and Lolly had their Banana Waffle Split (a belgian waffle topped with roasted banana, vanilla ice cream, chocolate & butterscotch sauce).  Most importantly, we had a good catch up, were our usual crazy and silly selves when we get together and had a lovely evening.  I had been feeling tired and a little low, but felt loads better after seeing Lolly.

All in all, not a bad week.  This weekend will hopefully be a better one than the last.

Friday Fill-In #60

And...here we go!

1. This week I have felt like a tired little sloth monkey.  I don't know for sure what one of those is, but that's how I felt.

2. The Hangover returns.  I've only just seen the first one, but I am looking forward to part two.

3. It's all about the glory when there is no prize for winning.

4. We are having belated April showers (thunderstorms!) at the moment, it is so cold and damp!  All I want to do is get nice and warm in the sun.

5. I demand to know what happened to my twenties! (The years and the pound notes!)

6. Whether you take the easier or the harder path, it's filled with varying degrees of potholes, bumps and pretty flowers of its own.  So try to make the most of the journey.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting home and into cosy clothes, chilling out, having a yummy dinner of some description and catching up on some blog posting/reading, tomorrow my plans include maybe watching the service at Stanborough Park church online, doing some reading and then maybe a few chores later on (calling them 'chores' doesn't inspire my motivation much, funnily enough) and Sunday, I want to hang out with The Mrs on her first weekend off work for a while!  Since it's also a bank holiday weekend here in the UK, my weekend continues onto Monday, when hopefully Miss BG and her gorgeous little daughter will be coming over to visit.

Click the button to join in the Friday Fill-In fun!

Happy birthday-ness (for a change!)

I checked my Tumblr account today and realised that Lolly had posted this on Sunday:

Today is the birthday of one of my most treasured friends - Emelectric, happy happy birthday.

I don’t even know where to begin to try and express how much I value you and our friendship.  You helped me through the most difficult time in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.   On the flip side, there is nothing too silly to be included into our conversations, you make me laugh like no other person can and you never judge me no matter how bad my accents get lol.

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays filled with love, laughter, family and friends, and I hope we celebrate many more birthdays to come

Lots of love xx xx xx xx

Since my past few blogs have been utterly miserable, I thought I should post this as an antedote.  :o)

Birthday Breakdown (in more ways than one)

9.30am – wake up, slightly groggy after going to bed a little late (my two-hour nap on Saturday afternoon seemed to mess up my pattern).  Open the cards that had come in the post, etc. and the present I got from Badges – a coaster that says ‘Just because I work here doesn’t mean I actually “work” here.’  :o)  Arrange the cards on the end table at the foot of my bed.  Put on the TV, catch the end of a Sunday politics show and then the start of a discussion show asking young people ‘Is religion on its way out?’

10.15am – Big Sis comes to say hello and greets me a Happy Birthday.  We chat for a bit and then go to get breakfast.  She gives me a card from her and Bro-in-Law.  Has lovely messages that leave me a bit teary.  Methinks Big Sis is feeling rather emotional at the moment herself.  Make toast and marmalade and some tea, then go to the living room.  Thank Bro-in-Law for the card.  Chat over breakfast, lots of giggles.  I only manage half of my toast, then go upstairs to do a bit of tidying in my room (not so much a birthday activity, but a much needed one).

11.00am – start sorting out some of the paperwork on my desk, turn my laptop on, do a few bloggy things while sorting out any paper that can go in the recycling.  Am interrupted now and then with Facebook birthday messages from friends on my phone.  I fill a recycling sack with paper, envelopes, old newspapers and magazines.  Am surprised by how much space that alone frees up. 

11.30am – have a missed call from Dad, wishing me Happy Birthday and saying that they will be stopping by a bit later to drop off some stuff.  Mum says it will be about 1.00pm by the time they arrive.  I expect it will be slightly later, knowing them.  I tell Big Sis and Bro-in-Law they are coming round.  They are about to head out for a walk.  They will be back by about 1pm anyway, as Bro-in-Law wants to watch the Grand Prix.

11.45am - I sort out some of my clothes into piles for washing.  Am reminded just how much I need to have a wardrobe purge.  I vacuum the parts of the floor I can get to, as well as under my bed, where dust creatures have been forming for some time.  My door keeps slamming shut as the window is open and there is quite a strong breeze.  I wedge the door open to get the breeze flowing through to air my room.  The plan is thwarted somewhat by the window now slamming shut instead.  I play some music to keep me motivated and sing along loudly, giving my voice probably the most exercise it has had so far this year.

12.45pm – Big Sis and Bro-in-Law arrive back.  No sign of the ‘rents.  They have picked up some shopping on the way back.  Samson is going to come over, so I text him and ask him to let me know when he is leaving.  We talk and he says he will probably be here by about 2.30pm or so.

1.30pm – Big Sis comes in and gives me a lovely bunch of yellow tulips with a £20 note in the wrapping, from her and Bro-in-Law.  I give her a hug.  I do like tulips.  I get a call from Mum.  She apologises that they are running late.  She got a call from a family friend and got delayed.  She suggests that we could go out to lunch, as she hasn’t eaten and I say I haven’t had lunch yet either.  She hasn’t mentioned it to Dad yet, but tells me to ask Big Sis to book a table at the Thai place that we like nearby.  She asks what time Samson will be arriving and I tell her.  In any case, I estimate they won’t be arriving till 2.00pm at the very earliest, so he shouldn’t be too much later than them.

1.45pm – I tell Big Sis and Bro-in-Law about the lunch plans so they can get ready.  I ask Big Sis if she is going to have a bath because I will need to have one before going out.  She says she will too.  I go back to doing some bits in my room.

2.15pm – Big Sis is cleaning the bathroom, I am a little surprised since Mum and Dad are on their way and we are both going to have a wash before going out. 

2.30pm – The ‘rents arrive.  Big Sis has only just got in the bath.  Mum comes to my room and says “Oh, you’re not ready.”  I explain that Big Sis has just got in the bath so I am waiting to get washed.  She shows me a bag of old photos she has brought with her, as I am planning to scan some at work.  They don’t give me a birthday card.  I am already feeling a little bit grumpy and not in the mood for celebrating.  I get the feeling Mum was expecting us to be ready to leave straight away and feel annoyed that I can’t do anything while waiting, as I look a state and really want to have a quick bath.  Mum says she is starving as she hasn’t eaten anything.  I offer her the toast and marmalade that I could finish at breakfast.

3.00pm – I ask Big Sis if she is nearly finished.  Bro-in-Law is going to get in there after her (to save water, they usually do this).  They seem to be taking ages.

3.15pm – Dad shouts up to ask what’s going on.  I haven’t been downstairs as I can feel the atmosphere getting tense.  I go down to speak to him and he gives me a hug.  It becomes clear that Mum hasn’t mentioned to him her plan to go out for ‘lunch’.  He says he has made me a cake and hands over a chocolate cream-filled sponge.  Mum is sat on an armchair looking a little pissed off.  She says something about the fact that she is really hungry and is going to get a migraine and that maybe they should just go.  I ask what she is going to do, as Bro-in-Law is now in the bathroom and I can’t get ready until he is finished.  I say that if she doesn’t want to wait then they should go, as she needs to eat.  She replies that we were meant to be going out to eat, but ‘no-one seems that interested.’

3.30pm – Big Sis finally appears, dressed and ready.  Dad is confused about what is going on and I explain that Mum had wanted to go out to lunch.  Mum is doing her usual thing of not saying much but giving off rays of negativity when she is annoyed. I go to the kitchen to check the cake and see if it will fit in the fridge.  I come back out and Mum has just gone out of the front door.  Dad tells me they are leaving.  I give him a hug and then go to the door to say goodbye to Mum, but she is already in the car.  I can’t be bothered to try and stop them.  I’m upset that I just wanted a quiet day without drama and didn’t mind not celebrating, but everything seems to have still gone wrong.  I feel a bit hurt that I always seem to be the one who ends up feeling bad and responsible.  I wonder who the lunch was really for, since no-one has asked me how I feel or what I want to do, but allegedly I am the one at the centre of it.  I speak to Samson and tell him we aren’t going out to lunch anymore.  He is still a little way away, there have been no trains to my house and he left his house at 2.00pm.

3.45pm – I finally get to go in the bathroom and lie in the bath feeling generally pretty rubbish.  Samson arrives while I am in the bath after an almost 2-hour long journey.  I have pretty much lost the will to do anything.

4.00pm – I get out of the bath and find Samson in my room, greeting me enthusiastically and giving me a card and present.  He gives me a big hug and I start to cry.  I just want to get back in bed.  The intermittent messages I have been receiving from various people saying “I hope you are having a fabulous day!” and so on are making me feel worse.  I get ready really slowly, not really knowing quite what I am doing and feeling tired as I haven’t eaten since about 10.30am.  There isn’t much food in the house and I don’t feel like cooking.  We decide to go back to Samson’s later.  I don’t have the heart to make him get back on public transport so soon after such a long journey. 

5.00pm – Big Sis and Bro-in-Law decide to go out to eat, seeing as they had both got ready to go out and haven’t had lunch either.  I tell them we will be leaving so might not be home when they get home.

6.30pm – I am finally ready after taking my time pottering around and watching the last results of the football season for the Premier League.  It is a close-run battle to avoid relegation between about 4 teams.  Samson asks if I want to go out to eat.  I am not in the mood to care much,  I am so hungry by now that I just want some food in my belly.  I get my stuff together and we go downstairs, then I remember I need to refrigerate the cake.  I cut and wrap a quarter of it to take with us, then try to rearrange things to make space for the plate on one of the shelves. 

7.00pm – we are finally leaving.  As we open the front door, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law are just arriving.  They had a nice Sunday roast at a local restaurant.  Samson and I go to the station and there are no trains whatsoever.  We walk down the road to get the bus, planning to get off halfway and get the tube.  I suggest we eat at Wagamama in Victoria, as the food is quick but healthy.

7.40pm – we arrive at Wagamama and discover it closes at 8.00pm.  There is no point, I am not in the mood for rushing my meal in 20 minutes.  We decide to get the tube back to Samson’s, although because of engineering works, it will stop a station short and we will have to walk/get a bus from there.  Samson is adamant that I shouldn’t have fast food on my birthday, but I am too hungry by now and don’t care.  I suggest we just go out for a meal on another evening.  I just need to eat and I want to be home at 9pm to watch Orphan.

8.40pm – after a long tube journey, then a longer than necessary bus journey, we arrive at Samson’s, KFC in hand (he still feels bad that we are having KFC for my birthday dinner, but it’s fast and is 2 minutes from his place).  The food tastes good after 10 hours of no eating.  We settle down to watch the film and things feel better again.  “I’m sorry we didn’t do anything special for your birthday,” he says later.  “This is all I wanted to do for my birthday,” I reply, “Just chill with you.”  I had forgotten how relaxed I always feel around him.  He is the only person all day who has asked me what I want to do.

11.00pm – the film is over.  I really enjoyed it, it was just the right amount of scary for me.  We watch some of the football highlights and then go to bed.  I start feeling low again and upset about how rubbish this birthday has been.  I feel a little resentful about being there for people and trying to be a good friend, but feeling like no-one returns the favour to make an effort for me.  Samson tries to comfort me as I cry, but I just want to forget the day even happened.  He suggests we could go away for my birthday next year.  We talk and I feel better and we finally get to sleep a while later.

I am writing this birthday off.  This has been the worst in a while, the worst I can remember before this was when the boyfriend who had broken up with me less than a month before insisted he be invited to my birthday celebration, confused me by kissing me while we were out, and then ruined my evening when I found him talking in a cosy corner to another girl.  Things are definitely better now, but I am still writing this one off.  I think I will go into self-imposed hiding next year.

Birthday Bah Humbug

Last year, my birthday was on a Saturday.  I took the Friday off work, just to have an extra day to chill out.  I hadn't told anyone on my new team it was my birthday, and only maybe one or two people in the whole department knew.  On the Thursday evening, my was getting ready to leave (she usually goes at 4.30, whereas I am there till 5.30 or 6) and said "I hope you have a nice birthday...we got you a little something," and gave me a card and a £20 H&M voucher.  It was such a surprise (methinks she did some stalking on our records system to find out my birthday) and really thoughtful - she knows I love H&M and buy lots of my clothes there.

This year, while I wasn't expecting a present or anything, I thought they would at least give me some birthday greetings (this year my birthday is Sunday, so I have taken Monday off work).  It was getting near to home time and one-by-one my colleagues started to leave (I usually am the last to leave, as I get in the latest).  Nothing.  There was no card, but not even a Happy Birthday.  No-one remembered.

I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I was a little disappointed.  I think I take after my Mum - I act all casual about birthdays and other occasions, and in a way I am, but deep down, if no-one remembers it or seems that bothered, it bothers me.  I am one of those people who'd probably say, "No, don't get me anything, I don't want a fuss," but would be hurt if everyone took that completely literally.  I am infuriating, I know.

Lolly gave me a call as I was leaving work, as she is temporarily working nearby me.  She was walking to the same tube station as me and thought if I hadn't already got on the tube we could just meet for a quick hello.  I haven't seen her in a while, so it was nice to have a quick catch-up.  We talked for a bit, then got on the tube and talked again when we got off.  Before we went our separate ways, we wished each other a good weekend and departed.  She didn't wish me Happy Birthday, either.  Admittedly, I was already feeling sensitive, because of my colleagues forgetting.  Also, it's probably fair since I haven't yet given her the card I got for her own birthday a month ago.  I was planning to give it to her in person, but unfortunately, my plan to see her not long after her birthday didn't really work out, so here we are a month later.  But I thought she might just give me a verbal greeting.  That's not asking too much, is it?  :oP 

I'm not upset with anyone, I must just be getting emotional in my old age, lol.  It doesn't take much to set me off, to be honest.  Earlier in the day, Badges unexpectedly stopped by my desk and placed a card and small present wrapped in purple tissue paper on it.  "That's for the weekend," she said, smiling.  She is an utter sweetheart, a really thoughtful person and a genuinely lovely.  It was really sweet and a lovely surprise, it made me feel a bit teary!  Later on, I texted her to thank her for making my day, more so because my team-mates had forgotten.  She replied with sympathy, saying she had wanted to get me flowers.  I replied saying it was probably best that she didn't as I might have burst into tears!

When I got home, I picked up my post and had three birthday cards who I recognised from the handwriting as being from Bigger Sis, my Auntie Betty (always sends a card which is always the first to arrive, without fail!) and my adopted Polish Grandpa (who I've known since I was a baby, is something like 96, and always sends cards that have been typed on an old typewriter, including the envelope!).  I felt a little bit happy and a little bit sad.  Birthdays are funny old things.  I made a mental note there and then to start sending proper, snail-mail birthday cards more often.

Today, I have been getting slightly grumpier as the day goes on.  But earlier, I watched a sermon online that emphasised practising an 'attitude of gratitude' and I am trying to keep my mind in that mode.  Even if no-one remembered my birthday, God knows.  He's got me through this year, has helped me to lift myself slightly further out of depression, has kept me housed and fed and loved and knew the person I'd be before I was even born.  So I can only be utterly grateful for that.

Job Awesomeness...and Awesomeness in General.

I had to pop over the Comms department earlier to get a couple of documents stamped.  After my chit-chat a few weeks ago with one of the ladies who interviewed me, I thought I would stop to say hello, seeing as I am feeling slightly more confident at the moment, am trying to be more outgoing and proactive about stuff work-wise and, well, I had to walk right past her desk to get to where I was going.  She wasn’t facing me, so as I left, I just leaned over and said a quick “Hi”, without really stopping.  She said a friendly “Hello, how are you?” in reply.  As we did this exchange, her boss and the head of their team, looked up.  She had also interviewed me and was the one who informed me of the unsuccessful outcome of my interview, but told me about the other vacancy they have coming up and encouraged me to apply.  There was a tiny pause before she recognised me, then we both said hello, me following with a rather casual “You  alright?” (which in hindsight I thought might have been slightly less professional that I would have liked, seeing as I wasn’t dressed particularly smartly either).  Either way, I hadn’t greeted them with any ulterior motive, I was just trying to be friendly and maintain good working relationships, honest!

I headed back to my office, then about 10 minutes after getting back, an email pops up.  It is from the team leader, words to this effect:

“Good to see you briefly just now.  We are hoping to advertise the job I previously mentioned to you in the next couple of weeks.  There have been delays with it for various reasons that were beyond my control, but I think we are nearly there…sorry for not keeping you informed.  I will let you know as soon as the job details are up on the website.  I hope all’s well with you.  Best wishes…”

Woo hoo!  They didn’t just mention the job to me meaninglessly to soften the blow of my unsuccessful first attempt!  They like me, they may actually like me!  Haha.  I emailed back to thank her for keeping me in mind, mentioning I’d caught up with her colleague at the post-event drinks a couple of weeks ago and had seen her but hadn’t managed to get a chance to say hello.  I’m trying to be cautious, as I was ‘recommended’ for another internal position previously and given the impression I had a really good chance, so I applied, was interviewed and was unsuccessful.  I know they can’t promise me a job, but I’d hope they wouldn’t go to the effort of mentioning the position to me several times with seeming enthusiasm that I apply, if they didn’t see me as an actual real-life contender for the post.  It’s a higher grade too, so would be a nice little step up on the career (ha!) ladder and (crucially for me at the moment) on the salary scale.  But I mustn’t think about that and get my hopes up.  I always do this when a job opportunity comes up – start spending the increased salary in my head before even completing the application.   And I wonder why I have cash-flow problems.

I guess I am mainly just happy that I made a good impression, seeing as work has been getting me down to varying degrees for the past two years.  It’s helping to reassure me that I’m not stupid, that I do have some notable skills (even though it feels like I get very little opportunity to exercise them in this position) and am capable.  Even if I’m not ultimately capable of securing this particular job, I am at least capable of interviewing well and conveying some sort of competency, even if I don’t feel it inside!  This is progress for me.  I haven’t been confident of my abilities for a while now.  Damn you, black dog!  So anyway, I think this pretty much means I am awesome, which is a good thing to be when on the brink your birthday weekend.  So I shall be keeping this awesomeness up.  At least until Sunday evening.  :o)

What Is This?

I seem to be experiencing some sort of emotion that might be happiness.  Not sure what's going on here, it's been a while.

Friday Fill-In #59

And...here we go! As always, my answers are in bold italics.

1. I see dead people.  Well not really, but it's the first cultural/media reference that came to mind.  I think I will start again.  

I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself...what a wonderful world. [That's better, lol.]

2. My underarms seem to have had a reaction to something and are really irritated and itchy.  It's driving me mad trying not to scratch.  Probably too much information there, sorry.

3. They begin to go faster the older you get.  The years, that is.

4. Sometimes I wonder how things might have turned out and how much happier life would have been if I had met Samson so many years earlier.

5. This I know: we are living in some crazy-ass times.  God help us.

6. I am going to see the 'rents tonight with Big Sis, so I know I'm going to get something that is, at the very least, more nutritious than most of what I've eaten this week for dinner.  (And it will very likely be delicious, too.)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to catching up with the 'rents and giving them big old hugs, tomorrow my plans include chilling with the fam for a bit, before heading home to do some evening errands (laundry, sorting out my paperwork, tidying up) and Sunday, I want to enjoy my birthday with Samson, hopefully have something nice for lunch, watch some 'Quantum Leap' and maybe 'The Orphan' on TV (channel 4, 9pm) if I'm brave enough!

Click the button to join in the fun and play along too!

Two-Day Ramblings

The past two days have been a bit of a blur.  I didn't go into work on Tuesday or Wednesday, in part because I didn't have a ticket (or the money to buy one) to get to work, partly due to generally feeling low and pretty rubbish about things because of my financial s(h)ituation and partly because I woke up with a headache and felt pretty rough.  I told work I had a migraine, then promptly got one (this always seems to happen, serves me right I guess).

I had some breakfast and spent the morning in bed, watching Monk and Maury, while playing Honeycomb something-or-other (this online game I occasionally find addictive).  I listened to music (Katy Perry is featuring a lot lately, as inspired by my visit to The Mrs), researching the information about debt management plans I had got from the Citizen's Advice Bureau and the Money Saving Expert site (gotta love that Martin Lewis - legend, he should get a knighthood).  I tried to find some of my most recent statements (carefully 'filed' somewhere on the pile of papers that is my desk) and make some vague calculations.

Towards lunchtime, my head was really starting to hurt and all the researching and calculating was making me feel more and more sleepy.  Deciding to have a little nap, I turned all the electronics off and snuggled down for a quick kip at about 1.30pm.  I stirred a few times and it still seemed bright outside, but I was too groggy to fully wake.  I woke a while later to find that my clock was displaying 7.05pm.  Eh?  I sleepily checked my phone before checking the clock again.  Yep, definitely 7, as in the evening, as in I had slept the entire afternoon away without having any sense of time passing.  I had recollections of when I was feeling at my worst and my low mood made me feel completely drained and frequently wanting to sleep.  The money worries of the past week have clearly been getting to me.

I spent the evening in a similar fashion, having a pot noodle for dinner (ahh, just like student times!) that Big Sis had kindly bought me when she popped out earlier in the day.  I caught up on some CSI episodes I had missed, tried to finish and post a few blog posts I had half-written and then decided to start something I had been thinking about for a while.  I started another blog, one that I could use to post things I find positive, happy, thought-provoking and encouraging.  In some of the reading I have done in the past few months about ways to fight depression, one thing I especially remember was the idea of having a box where you keep items that lift your spirits when you're feeling low, as a sort of antidote on bad days.  It could be photos of happy times, or cards from people you love, etc.  I haven't started one yet, but it's something I want to do at some point, when I'm more organised. 

But in the meantime, I had been toying with the idea of a sort of online version.  So I started it up on Blogger at: http://blackdogbegone.blogspot.com/ with the title: 'Not Today, Black Dog'.  After playing around with the settings and the format, I wondered if Tumblr might be a slightly better-suited platform.  I'm more likely to re-blog posts from other people that I like on Tumblr, and this would be easier to do from a blog also hosted on the same site.  So I set up the same blog, 'Not Today, Black Dog' at: http://blackdogbegone.tumblr.com/

I'm still deciding whether to keep both, but will most likely be using the Tumblr blog primarily.  There is likely to be some overlap between Workinonit and Not Today, Black Dog, but I'm intending the latter to be less explicitly about my own personal experiences and more concise, using a variety of media.  I don't have the time, energy or motivation to do two blogs that require such involved writing, in any case.  So, now you know.  After posting a couple of things, I called it a night and went to bed.

Wednesday, I was still feeling pretty crap and there didn't seem much point in going in feeling like that, seeing as I would only be in for the morning - I had taken the afternoon off for a market research appointment at 3.15pm.  I had the appointment for no other reason than the fact they were going to pay me £40 for an hour of my time.  My travel problems for the week would be solved.

I had breakfast, had a bath and then spent the rest of the morning 'applying' for my debt management plan.  After submitting my income, outgoings and debts, they created a budget for me and assessed how much income I would have left after paying for my living expenses based on this budget.  The remaining amount would, if I signed up to the plan, be paid to them (they are a charity) and then split accordingly and used to pay off my debts.  They would contact all my creditors in advance to advise them of how much I will be able to pay them each month (I have to contact them myself beforehand to confirm I have given my permission for this and that I have signed up to a debt management plan). Because they are a charity, they do this service for free, which is brilliant.  I remain responsible for my debts, but the charity helps me manage them and does the scary bit of talking to the creditors on my behalf. According to their calculations, I should be able to pay everything off in about 6 months.  This sticks with my hope to get debt-free this year, so I'm really happy about that and can't wait to get started.

At lunchtime, I got ready, had some noodles while chatting with Big Sis and then left for my appointment.  I love going out in the middle of the day, when it's not peak time, I don't have to rush and there aren't so many people around.  I put my music on, strolled along from train to tube and got there in good time.  The research was on a Blackberry app for mobile banking for one of the banks I use.  It is currently being developed and they were testing it out in order to get feedback.  It was pretty cool, especially because it's an app I would actually use and want to use.  When it's finally released, it will be weird knowing I had a say in its development!  Everything was finished in 40 minutes, so while I didn't get any more or less money, my rate had improved to earning £1 a minute, as opposed to the 67p a minute I was worth had it lasted an hour, lol.

I got my cash payment, bought a ticket for the week and then ambled home on a sparsely populated train.  I spent the evening watching TV again and pottering around on the internet, dreading work a little bit, but very much less so knowing that I could at least get there and back without any drama.  I arrived at work this morning in good time, wrote the letters to all my creditors (that I will send next week once I have been paid and subsequently met my minimum monthly payments) and booked my phone consultation for my CBT.  I finished some blogs, in between texting The Mrs, sending a message to Samson and emails back and forth with both Mini-Me and Lolly Lil.  Work, you ask?  Well yeah, I did that too, but there's so little of it at the moment that I hardly felt bad for using the rest of the time to sort my life out.  Things are getting better, slowly but surely.  I have decided that 2012 will be my year.

Elizabeth Taylor (27 February 1932 – 23 March 2011)

 

OK, I know this happened a while ago, but she's still utterly beautiful.  You can't beat old-school glamour. They don't make stars like this any more.