Friday Fill-In #44

So...here we go!

1. While the cat's away, the lady gets lonely.

2. An extra hour of sleep (or whatever) this weekend - fabuloso!

3. Children are real-life little people! Little tiny versions of real people!

4. Sometimes I love being greeted by an empty house when I get home from work or shopping or what have you.

5. This may seem odd, but I talk to myself, often.

6. We could pack some things, make a run for it and get out of here and that seems like a fine idea to me!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting home and finally being able to spend a bit of time on my cross-stitch, tomorrow my plans include learning the arrangement of O Holy Night that me, Mum and Big Sis will be singing for our church Christmas recording and Sunday, I want to relax and enjoy that extra hour of weekend goodness - thanks, Daylight Saving Time!

Corner

Corner
Words & Music by Allie Moss

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes

Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand
We’ll hide til it’s over, til it’s all over

We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me, I’ll hold on to you

La la la la la…

(Lyrics courtesy of http://www.alliemoss.com/lyrics.php#corner)

Friday Fill-In #43

So...here we go!

1. One of my strongest beliefs is that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

2. My current list of things to do is huge!

3. The sky is cloudy with a threat of rain and wind and cold, so on goes my woollen hoodie, up goes the hood, I make a cup of tea and watch back-to-back comfort telly.

4. Having a nice warm cuddle is comforting to me.

5. I always thought I'd be happier than this.

6. I could see fireworks lighting the night sky, smell the bonfire smoke in the air and then I went outside to look at the full moon.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being at home with the 'rents, tomorrow my plans include singing at church and hoping for some encouragement and Sunday, I want to make some progress with my cross-stitch, get myself a new BB case to replace the one I can't find and spend some time with my lovely boyfriend!

Every Step

A song for the ladies I know that this could relate to...

Every Step by Charlie Winston

















I'm a fool to be kind to you;
It's not what the men in your life tend to do
Must be so strange ; finding someone
Who only accepts you
Rejection's a lesson you've had
You're lost in the anger you feel for your Dad
But, Oh, how he loves you,
There's no doubt
With all his high hopes for you.
I could push you away
I could say I don't want you no more
I could drive you right into the floor
And tell you are useless ;
Get used to it Lady
But I'm big in believing that baby,
You're bigger than that
It's respect for yourself that you lack
And success ; it's a mood that you chose
With every step

I want to grow old with you
To hold your old hand and look back on our youth
I will be strong. Times I might not
I'm only human

I could push you away
I could say I don't want you no more
I could drive you right into the floor
And tell you are useless ;
Get used to it Lady
But I'm big in believing that baby,
You're bigger than that
It's respect for yourself that you lack
And success ; it's a mood that you chose
With every step

So, be free like a bumble bee
Spread wings like a bird
Squawk like a peacock and
Let your voice be heard , it's ok
I have no lock, key or a cage
You've got to want to stay

I won't push you away
I won't say I don't want you no more
I won't drive you right into the floor
But I'll tell you you're beautiful ;
Get on with it Lady,
Cause I'm big in believing that, Baby,
You're bigger than that
It's respect for yourself that you lack
And success ; it's a mood that you chose
With every step
So take step
It's just step by step

Withdrawal

I hadn’t realised I was down to my last few days’ supply of meds until I had a few capsules left and checked the box for the next blister pack, to find there wasn’t one. Luckily, my health centre takes online repeat prescription requests, which is way more convenient for me and thankfully, my doctor hasn’t yet insisted I come in for a check-up before she renews my prescription. However, I was a little late in picking up the prescription (it closes at 7, which is a push to get to in time after work, and me trying to wake up for work on a normal day is a struggle, never mind trying to get up early to go to the doctor’s before work). When I did get it, I realised I didn’t actually have the money to pay for it (yes, down to bad money management, but don’t get me started on the fact that Scotland gets their prescriptions for free, even though we all pay the same tax…). So a couple more days went by and I was med-free. I had a spare capsule for an emergency, so took that one a day or so in, to try and lessen the withdrawal effects, but I still felt the overwhelming tiredness and complete absence of energy that I tend to get without them (which is how I was feeling before I even took them). I thought things would settle down after taking them again for a few days, but I seem to be back in a slump. It may be coincidental that I’m having a low patch when I happen to have missed a few days’ meds; it may also be hormonal, but either way, I had been starting to feel a bit better in myself, a bit more motivated and positive, but have now regressed back to feeling anxious and tearful at the thought of going to work some days, barely motivated or focused while there, and absolutely drained of any energy when I get home.

The past few days I have been taking things out on Samson more than usual. I’ve been snappy, irritable and moody, or quiet, lacklustre and upset. Occasionally, a bit of both. He has been understanding and patient as usual, but occasionally when I have snapped, he has looked a little hurt and I have felt really bad. He is never snappy back, or mean to me (he really does have the patience of the proverbial saint), and when I have suggested that he can be, in retaliation, he always says that he’d rather ‘kill me with kindness’. However, I know that if I carry on being this way, it will wear him down, no matter how patient he is. More to the point, it’s not fair and it’s not very nice.

Yesterday, I started feeling lower and lower as the day went on. When the end of the day came, I was feeling anxious and didn't feel like going home. It was Bro-in-Law's birthday and he and Big Sis were going out for a meal so no-one would be home. I usually see that as a good thing, as I quite like having the place to myself now and then, but yesterday everything seemed bleak. Samson said I could stay at his, but I felt like I would probably just be miserable and would ruin his evening, aside from the fact that I am broke at the mo and he has been subbing me food all week. It felt a bit like I was taking liberties and I hate not being able to pay my way at the moment, it makes me feel even more inadequate than normal.

As we walked to the train station I started to cry a little, but was having to make some effort to stifle the sobs that seemed determined to escape. Samson was lovely and took me for something to eat and then I went back to his and we both just chilled, doing our own thing. I feel safer around him and more content when I am feeling low. Sometimes it can have the opposite effect if I am feeling particularly sensitive and he's not being especially perceptive. But for that evening, it made me feel a little better.

Cut to today and I got a sudden jolt to my stomach when I saw the girl at work Samson was seeing for a little while some time back. He'd told me she'd emailed him recently to tell him that she was being moved back to this floor, in case they bumped into each other. I wasn't thrilled by the news, but had forgotten she was starting this week until I saw her today. Typical, she would be sat down my end of the office rather than his. We don't know each other, but I know who she is and I suspect the gossip-machine has done its job of letting her know who I am. I know I am feeling insecure and so on, but seeing her around makes me feel very awkward and I've never been very good at dealing with boyfriends' pasts. My ego-centric side (what's left of it) prefers to think of myself as the one and only girl a boy I'm with has ever had eyes for, which is unrealistic I know, but something I find hard to shake off. It's just one more thing that makes me want to push Samson away, which I know is ridiculous. I am full of frustration, anger, hatred and bitterness lately and he unfortunately seems to bear the brunt of it, second only to my own self, which is steadily becoming eaten up with the emotions that I hold inside, rather than reveal to others the true ugliness of what lurks within.

We really do all have our demons. But as a good friend of mine (Dukus) said recently, "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free inside your head." Word. I need to kick out these squatters I let in.

Updates and Broken Records

OK, so what's been happening since I last wrote? I suppose not a whole lot of particular note, to be honest. Some points of note:

I bumped into The Ex on his birthday (he was just getting into his car, I was going to the doctor, which inconveniently is a few doors down from his house). I felt uncomfortable, we had a chat, he looked like he was welling up at one point, he asked me to keep in touch but I said I couldn't promise that I would, we hugged and I got the hell out of there. He doesn't have my number now, but I got an email from him the next day. I ignored it.

BFTP continues to stay in the past, with no word for a whole year. He did, however, steal the 'About Me' section from my MySpace page word for word (bar a few omissions/additions) to use on his own page, then promptly deleted me as a friend. Not impressed to say the least. And he still has my picnic blanket.

I got a message from NY Guy (after several insignificant ones over several months that I ignored) that I finally decided to reply to. Turns out he's still with the girl he had started seeing properly in December (I say that, I only have his word for it, I suppose what I mean is that he told me he had decided to make a proper go of it with her in December). Yes, they are still together. In fact, they married in June. Yeah, WHAT? I know, I was shocked too, partially because a year before that, me and him were still emotionally involved, actually I think we were still together? I was thrown so much at first I got whiplash, and I suppose it hurt knowing he had so completely moved on, in a very final way. It doesn't make it any less easier to deal with if you're the one who called things off. It just sucks how guys always seem to be the ones that get on with life and find happiness sooner than girls, but maybe that's only true superficially. Funny how things move on so fast. I have seen a picture of his wife (albeit only a small one of them together I found from a bit of Facebook stalking) and she seems nice. They looked very happy and my initial reaction was to smile and actually feel happy that he had moved on and found what he was looking for. I started to feel upset about it a few days later, but I think that's just mourning of the time spent on something that never materialised. He actually apologised for that fact when he got back in touch and told me I'm a "really awesome girl", but it still doesn't get rid of the feeling that he 'won'. I don't know why the natural tendency after a relationship breaks down is to (either intentionally or subconsciously) go into competitive mode with the ex, but it just seems to be how things are. I think I've just taken a emotional battering over a number of years (admittedly partly my fault) and I'm still getting over that. Despite the things I'm getting over, I am actually happy for him. I know we weren't right for each other, I wouldn't want to be with him now and he has clearly found someone he loves enough to marry, so everything has worked out for the best. We've exchanged the occasional brief message since then, but that's all. At least we don't hate each other. I don't think.

Things with Samson continue to go well. We will have been together 10 months in a week's time. It has gone by really quickly, which I hope is a good thing. He continues to be lovely, great fun, supportive, understanding and all the other things you want from a boyfriend. It feels weird just saying that things are good and not having anything bad to say. Relationship-wise, I am actually content. I always seem to downplay it, but I think that's just in-built caution from previous all-that-glitters-is-not-gold experience. He really is a wonderful person and a great partner. I've really enjoyed being with him and hope that continues.

Work-wise, things are pretty much the same. I've seen a few vacancies elsewhere and they look promising, so have applied for one and am going to apply for the other, but I can carry on here if nothing comes of it. I just thought I really should at least apply for the things that interest me and might challenge me more than this, or at least just broaden my experience. Plus, the place I've seen the vacancies are at my old uni, which I previously thought would be a longer commute than I would like, but Samson has recently moved just down the road from it, so if I can travel there to see him, I can travel there to work for better pay. Plus, because of recent transport improvements there are more options for getting to that part of London, so that will make life easier. This is, of course, all ifs and maybes for now, but are all things that I have to take into consideration.

Samson's new place is nice. The immediate area is not the nicest or the quietest, but it is vibrant and diverse and very close to the tube station. The flat is lots more homely than the previous one and he bought a new HD telly as his contribution. Lately I've felt more at home there that at my own place, but I know that's partly because I'm just dying to get out of there and live my own life, have my own responsibilities and my own space. I'm hoping next year will be the year, but as usual, my lack of good money management, combined with debts I'm still paying off (for about another 6 months) have hindered me in that respect. But as long as I start being more disciplined and save once I have paid things off, I'm hoping that this time next year I will have moved or at least be very much on my way to doing so. Hang on, have I mentioned this before.?

I've been out a few times with Samson's friends. The majority of his good friends he knows from uni (annoyingly for me, the same one The Ex went to, but thankfully a different campus and so no mutual friends there that I know of) so there is a big group of them that are quite close-knit. Thankfully they have all been very welcoming to me and have made me feel a part of the group, but at times I'm still conscious that they are his friends and that getting to know them very well would make things awkward if we ever broke up. Negative thinking I know, but once again, just caution from experiences past. It seems to be a year of birthday events and I have been to a couple which have been good fun and there are a couple more coming up.

The Mrs had a karaoke birthday, which was lots of fun, except we didn't get to sing much karaoke (the restaurant owners seemed to pick the songs according to their own preferences rather than any sort of fair and equal selection process). But we had a good night, Samson came too, we went to see their new place afterwards, then got a cab back to the Travelodge we were staying at. It was much better spending the night in Essex than trying to get home to London after midnight. We had a fry-up brekkie the next day in a nice café and then went to our respective homes to spend the rest of the day chilling out. Was lovely to see the Mrs and her boy, but these events are too few and far between nowadays.

That's about it, I suppose. Many things are still the same, but lots of things are also improving. Maybe slowly, maybe insignificantly, but improving nonetheless.