Friday Fill-In #79

Anyone in the holiday spirit? I'm getting there. So...here we go!

1. As I neared the end of the week, I realised just how much I need a weekend.

2. The Joy Luck Club is what I'm reading right now. It's the basis of a film I like, but I haven't started the book quite yet.  I'm hoping I will enjoy it as much as Shantaram - the last book I read and an utterly amazing one at that.

3. I didn't start out this way, I was naive, not cynical.  Bright-eyed, not bitter.


4. It hasn't really sunk in, to tell the truth.

5. The best way to rile me up is to tell me to calm down.

6. This is the reason I am thankful: Romans 8:28.  It says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to see the 'rents, tomorrow my plans include spending the day with the 'rents and Sunday, I want to sort out a few things round the house, do a bit of cross-stitch and start reading my book!

Please, please please (let me get what I want)

Friday Fill-In #78

And...here we go!  My answers are in bold.

1. One of my favorite things about December is the knowledge that I will soon have some time off work, to spend with family and friends, and that a new year is just around the corner.

2. If I had my own place and my own Christmas tree to decorate, believe me, it would be adorned with an eclectic mix of very cute ornaments!

3. This is what I'm hoping for today/tonight: that Dad is feeling well enough for me to spend some time with him and that he gets better very soon.

4. When a snowflake lands on a squirrel’s nose, does he make a noise?

5. Ooh, a mince pie?  Don’t mind if I do!

6. The Carol of the Bells with soon be ringing!  And then I can do some comedic operatic singing to go with it!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing my parents and getting snuggly in my pyjamas (my bed at their house is so comfortable), tomorrow my plans include watching a service online, or reading, or some other quiet time and Sunday, I want to sort out some space in my room so it doesn’t depress me to be in there!

   Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet.  Click the button to play along!

11:11 11/11/11

It's a very poignant day to remember those who gave their lives for our freedoms - this eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, in the year twenty eleven.

Thursday 13: Reasons I Love Autumn

• Getting to wear my duffle coat again!
• Big woolly scarves and knitted jumpers.
• Stomping around in boots.
• Kicking at crispy leaves on the ground.
• The different shades of orange, rust and terracotta.
• Seeing my breath appear in front of me.
• The smell of bonfires in the air around Fireworks’ Night.
• That bite in the air as the evenings get colder.
• The autumn/winter sun hanging low in the sky, while the moon still shines above.
• Eating soup and other yummy warm comfort foods for dinner.
• Having an excuse to stay cosy indoors and watch DVDs in bed, wrapped up in pyjamas, hoodies, woolly socks and blankets, under the pretext of staying warm.
• Getting a cold face from being outside and trying to steal some body heat from a quick hug or kiss.
• Seeing tiny children’s little red noses poke out from underneath the many layers of clothing they are bundled up with, making them unable to walk freely.  :o)

To Be, Or Not To Be....a Bride?

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a proper blog.  As is always the case when I have long breaks in between writing, I have been feeling tired, a little uninspired and haven’t had the time.  But thankfully, work has slowed right down and I’ve had to find ways to fill my time while looking like I’m doing something productive – a perfect time to write.

At a loss of things to do, I realised I hadn’t checked my friend’s blog in a while and after doing so, discovered a new post by The Mrs, (ironically) entitled “I don’t want to be a bride”.  This is not news to me, as since we first became friends at 15 she has remained consistent in her reluctance to get married.  I probably wouldn’t even describe it as a reluctance, more a certainty that she didn’t really see herself taking that route in life.  Like most people, at some point I probably told her that her mind might change as she got older (as with her lack of desire to have children), not because getting married is what everyone should do, but more because who knows what they want at 15?  Ironically, I felt at 15 that I wanted to get married and have children some day and that desire hasn’t changed, so perhaps we know more about ourselves at a younger age than we like to admit.  No-one says “you’ll feel differently when you’re older,” if you’re a teenager saying you want to get married and have children in the future.  But if you express the opposite opinion, you get the opposite reaction.  People talk of that maternal yearning “kicking in,” like you get to a magic age and suddenly your principles change.  It hasn’t happened for The Mrs and she is happy with her choices.  If she ever did change her mind, I would support her.  It wouldn’t really matter to me, so long as she was happy.  What makes her question herself is the fact that other people/society/cultural conventions seem to be certain that she can’t be happy if she is not adhering to their lifestyle norms, despite the fact that a large proportion of couples nowadays don’t do that either.

So, what of me?  I emailed The Mrs to tell her I’d read her blog and really liked it.  Her reply was that I should now write a blog entitled ‘I want to be a bride’ in response to it!  This is something I’ve also been thinking a lot about lately.  I grew up being taught that marriage is an ideal to work towards and that a family unit with two parents is the best one in which to raise children.  I still believe this, but I know that our society and culture has changed so much that this no longer works for everybody and can also alienate those whose circumstances don’t fit into this template. Thankfully, my parents have stayed together, so I didn’t have any direct personal experience of the negative side of marriage while growing up.  I’ve always expected to get married, but I don’t think I had that same crazed desperation to do so as I’ve seen some girls have.  It’s a commitment I see as sacred and life-long and is not something I would enter into lightly.  Ideally, I certainly wouldn’t want to have children with someone to whom I wasn’t married.

To some extent, I’ve been philosophical about my marital status thus far.  I believe that if it’s going to happen, then it will happen, and I would want it to happen with the right person, not just for the sake of it.  Lately, however, I’ve found myself starting to feel a strong urge to settle down.  Part of this is because I still live with family, in the same place I grew up, and don’t have my own home.  I long for my own space, in which I am autonomous, my own haven where I can make my own decisions and not have to answer to anyone else.  Part of it is that I’ve had relationships, some that lasted a long time, and I don’t want to just date anymore.  I want the stability of being in a relationship with someone who is wholly committed to me, someone who wants to plan a future together.  It’s been a possibility in the past, but perhaps more one of theory than practice.  Those I’ve had significant relationships with in the past have expressed a desire to marry me, but when it came down to it, things fell apart.  The Ex probably still would marry me if I took him back (although I’m basing this on our last conversation months ago and may well have moved on by now – I hope), NY Guy frequently told me he could see himself marrying me and wanted to start a life together and has since married and started a life with someone else, so he clearly wanted those things, it just didn’t happen with me.  Things with BFTP seemed promising, but concluded with him going AWOL, so that says it all.  It’s almost as though them expressing this notion out loud jinxes any possibility of it actually happening.

Over the past month, I’ve been questioning where my relationship with Samson is going.  He’s a lovely person and we get on really well, but sometimes I feel he is holding back.  He can be emotionally reserved or perhaps inexperienced, took a lot of encouragement to admit he loved me (I’m still not entirely convinced), doesn’t talk about the future much and seems non-committal about what he wants, although he seems to want those things at some vague point in the future.  I’m not saying I want to get married immediately, but knowing it was heading in that direction would be reassuring.  It’s hard playing the game when the goalposts are constantly moving.  The Mrs and I were both brought up in religious homes, where marriage was to some extent the expectation.  Although her current boyfriend doesn’t have that sort of religious/cultural background and therefore doesn’t subscribe to that expectation, their relationship works because she doesn’t either.  I have caused problems for myself in that I am in a relationship where our expectations aren’t necessarily the same.

At the weekend, I went to my ‘home’ church for the first time in months.  I heard that a guy I knew from church when we were children and only got back into contact with in recent years, had recently got married.  A few years ago he had expressed an interest in me which I didn’t reciprocate because I was with NY Guy at the time.  Aside from that, I wasn't entirely sure we would be right for each other anyway, but I never serioualy considered finding out.  After hearing about his recentl nuptials I was surprised, as the last time I saw him I wasn’t aware of him even dating anyone.  But I noticed that mixed with the surprise was a palpable sense of disappointment, sadness and a slight touch of envy.  All I thought was, “That’s what I want.”  It was almost a shock to hear myself think that.  It’s the first time I’ve fully realised that this uncertainty, this disparity between what Samson and I are both ready for emotionally at this moment at time, is making me unhappy.  I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that I’m fine with floating along, that I’ve suppressed the reality of wanting something that my current situation isn’t providing.  I could title this post the same as Claire’s, because I don’t want to be a bride.  I don’t want the ceremony without the meaning behind it.  I don’t just want a ring on my finger that is valuable to me only because of its material worth.  I want to be and have a partner, someone who is willing to dedicate their life to making me happy, because that’s what I’d do for them.  Someone who will pledge “for better or worse” and mean every single word.  Someone who wants to make a home, start a family and live their life with me.  And right now, I’m not sure that I do.

The Mrs may feel social pressure to conform, but she has got it right.  She knows what she wants, has never been afraid of expressing it, and is with someone who shares the same desire.  I wish I could say the same.

Today I Have Been Mostly...(#13)

Looking...taller than usual due to wearing heels to work for the first time in months!

Feeling...pretty good overall, the sunshine is cheering me up even though I have a slightly sore throat and am singing tomorrow!

Eating...Raisin Wheats for breakfast - first time I've had a proper breakfast at home before leaving for work in months.  Haven't eaten anything since though and I'm not rumbling yet!

Drinking...water and a cup of tea.

Being...bored because there is suddenly very little to do, when all week has been crazy busy.

Having...quite an eventful weekend to look forward to.

Going...out for some sun at lunchtime, better make the msot of this last-ditch attempt at summer!

Getting...a little inspiration from someone trying to make a career change, but knowing I probably won't make one myself.

Trying...to sort out the confusion in my head.

Thinking...about what I have to pack when I get home, what I'll need for Saturday night, what I should wear to work on Sunday, whether I should go to the gym on Sunday or make the most of the sun in the park before watching the Spurs v. Arsenal game....decisions, decisions.

Wondering...whether this feeling will pass, or if it's a sign that things need major changes?

Giving...a colleague a send-off later who is retiring early after 20 years here.  This place sucks you in and keeps you here!

Seeing...beautiful sunshine and blue skies....and lots of students on the lawn who have free time to enjoy it!

Doing...work, in between sending non-work related messages. 

An End

You appear in my thoughts more than I’d like.

I wonder if you are happy, knowing that you most probably are.

Even if you weren’t, I doubt I would feel better. 

Did you meet Irene?  Maybe she saw your family and friends instead,

If you are living your own West-side story the way my snooping suggests,

Living in the birthplace you swear you told me about, but I know you didn’t.

Has she made you a dad?  My heart stops.  The final nail.  But a bittersweet happiness.

Life has separated us in so many more ways than one.

Do you ever think the same, wonder about me?

Am I a distant shadow from the past, a long-faded memory,

Or one you have locked away to keep from your present?

Did you hope for my safety when my home was ablaze?

Wonder how much I witnessed or how close I came?

Or perhaps watched in horror like anyone else,

With objective compassion, like you had no connection.

You didn’t stop moving the moment I left,

The sadness ignited you rather than froze you in time.

Progression suits you, I would just hold you back,

Stagnating in my own self-pity.  I am still here.

No news to share, no achievements to laud,

Same as it ever was.

You believed in me, at least for a time,

A flash of light in the gloom, until you shone elsewhere.

But maybe you never did.  Infatuated with an image,

An idea, an ideal.  The truth wasn’t as beautiful as she,

The reality more difficult than the fantasy.

In the end you took your bird in the hand by the hand,

Over any potential prize out in the bush.

How shrewd and sensible, a timely escape.  

I still feel the fool, but at least I am my own.

You deserve a happy ending, you worked hard to get it.

I will settle for an end to this.

Friday Fill-In #74

1. When I was 10 years old I had a brilliant primary school teacher who taught us this song:



2. The humble carrot is my favorite vegetable because I love eating them raw like bugs bunny and have done since I was little.

3. My dream pet is one that feeds and cleans itself and only comes to me for cuddles and company. Hey, that could just as easily be a boyfriend!  Lol!

4. What you put out there is what eventually surrounds you.

5. If I could live anywhere in the world I'd live in a place that had a more constant climate, at least for a little while.  I would miss the seasons, but really want at least one summer that is an actual summer with regular sunshine and warmth!

6. I am hoping that this weekend the sun will keep on shinin' on me.  It's beautiful out there today, let's hope it lasts!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the Friday night sense of relief, tomorrow my plans include nothing in particular other than hopefully enjoying a bit of sun and Sunday, I want to help Samson hang his new curtains - oh the excitement!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of the fabulous Janet.
<--- Click the button to play along!

Friday Fill-In #73

And...here we go!

1. How in the world did I get to this age?  I've no idea how I'll feel in 30 years' time and am actually old!
2. I need to think less about what has happened previously and focus on what lies in front of me.

3. Life's a battle to make the right choices.
4. This weekend could be an ideal time for an indoor picnic lunch, if today's constant rain is anything to go by.

5. That was where we spent our teenage years, full of abandon, carefree minds and wrought emotion.

6. There isn't really anywhere I think of as "our place". I haven't made too many attachments to places lately.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to wishing Big Sis a happy birthday in person and then catching up on the sleep I've lost this week through fault of my own making, tomorrow my plans include lunch with MiniMe, an afternoon with the boy and then a night of drinks and dancing with MiniMe, her fella and their friends and Sunday, I want to try and wake up on time to have lunch with some other friends, then get back to spend the rest of the day with Samson, knowing we have an extra day of weekend to enjoy, woo hoo!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of the fabulous Janet.
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Friday Fill-In #72

And...here we go!

1. It's fun to let go of reality and use your imagination. Failing that, it’s fun to go to a toyshop and set off all the talking cuddly toys at the same time, then make a quick getaway.

2. A bad impression is easy to make. Which is why I like to give everyone a second chance!

3. I like to be made a fuss over, occasionally. Alternatively, I like to be alone!.

4. How was my life supposed to turn out? Which decision(s) completely changed the direction I was meant to take?  I will never know!

5. Something I'm very much excited about is turning 30.  I know most people don’t get excited by that, but I’ve decided I’m going to be and am going to celebrate in style!

6. I wasn’t going to get photographs and video of my skydive, as I couldn’t afford it, but my Mum convinced me I should and paid for it for me, and I’m so glad she did! The end product was well worth it.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being able to relax in the way you can when you know you don’t have to get up for work the next day, tomorrow my plans include probably going to see the ‘rents and Sunday, I want to select a good bunch of photos for my parents’ wedding anniversary present and try to restart my cross-stitch project!

Friday Fill-In #71

And...here we go!

1. The only question is what is your purpose for being? Everyone has one, it's just a case of discovering it.

2. Just think of all the lives tha start and end in one day.

3. Three things on my desk: my mug that has a history of art timeline on it; a small, black, carved wooden African (?) statue that I inherited from someone else' desk; and a peace lily.

4. Paint my toenails is the one thing I HAVE to do today!  I wouldn't normally pick such a frivolous thing, but I have done lots of work today already and am going to a wedding tomorrow with open-toed shoes and that's the one thing I haven't done to make myself look presentable!

5. I love playing with: Samson's hair (because it pings back into place), my friends' children, cats and words.

6. An amazing view from on a mountain top while out in the open overwhelms the senses.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling out with Samson after what has felt like a hectic week, tomorrow my plans include going to the wedding of one of Samson's good friends (I won't know anyone there - yikes!) and Sunday, I want to return to London, have an afternoon nap and generally feel relaxed in time for another week!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of the fabulous Janet.
<--- Click the button to play along!

Today I Have Been Mostly...(#12)

Looking...shiny-faced and drab.

Feeling...not so bad, overall.

Eating...an apple; some chicken, tomato & basil pasta; cheese & onion crisps and oh...that’s it.

Drinking...water, tea, and orange & lemon This Water.

Being...quite busy and efficient, despite not feeling particularly energetic.

Having...a very annoying conversation with a very annoying student within the first half hour of my day.  It got my grump on.

Going...crazy with thinking it’s Friday and then realising it’s not.  :/

Getting...emails from my friends that cheered me up.

Trying...to stay awake.  Waking up this week has just not been happening.

Thinking...that it’s probably unrealistic to think that one person can be everything to you.

Wondering...where I went wrong and not knowing exactly when that was.

Giving...the crossword my best shot, but not doing as well as I hoped.

Seeing...beautiful periwinkle-blue skies in time for home time, when most of the day it was dull and grey and raining.  Yay!

Doing...that frown that tends to become my default face when I’m bothered/have a headache/am sleepy, etc.