*Generic 'Life is Crap' blog post title here*

And so…another post about how my life is stagnant and how I need to make a change.  Another post about what I need to change, what my plans are and how I will fulfil them.  I am a broken record, an mp3 file stuck on one-track repeat.  I am exactly the kind of person I am irritated by.  Someone who complains, but doesn’t go the extra step of working to correct things.  Someone who talks a lot, but does little.  All chat and no action.  If I was a boy, I would probably be writing me off as someone who was going nowhere.  Ha, who am I kidding, I’d probably be hanging around like a bad smell trying to ’fix’ me.

I spent half of 2012 on sick leave.  Other than a couple of weeks before the Christmas break, I was on sick leave for the last 4 months of the year.  I managed to return before Christmas and for a week in January, then relapsed somewhat.  I am back at work today, for the first time in just over 2 weeks.  I felt embarrassingly accomplished for having made it into work today.  As I write this, I feel extremely tired, despite having only worked for approximately 4 hours.  Within an hour or two of being at work, I had already remembered why I don’t enjoy my job.

I can undertake certain steps to try to keep my depression at bay, or at least make it manageable so that I can do the things necessary to get by in life (work, do my chores, etc.).  The problem is that with virtually any illness, you can fight it if you put your mind to it.  [I should clarify this by saying that I don’t necessarily mean you can cure yourself of an illness just by positive thinking, but it certainly helps your healing and even if your situation was terminal, it helps your existence be an enjoyable one for both you and others.]  The problem with mental illnesses is that the part of you that is most important for healing is the very part of you that is compromised.  You can’t fight for your life when you don’t feel like your life is worth living, like you don’t have anything to live for.  When you are so deep in the depths of despondency and despair that getting out of bed, getting washed and dressed, or even eating all feels like a waste of time, or that it requires a superhuman amount of energy.  I am slowly learning what things make me feel better and what things I should do to pull myself up out of the depths, but whether I can manage them is a little bit hit and miss.

Lately, loneliness has taken hold of me.  My feelings of loneliness are exacerbated by my depression and vice versa.  I often miss having Samson around in a boyfriend capacity, knowing that he was a huge support to me and also a motivation to get up, be positive and do things.  I read a quote recently that said, “You shouldn’t be in a relationship for the very reason that you need to be.”  It hit me where it hurts.   I feel the need to be in a relationship because I need someone to lean on, and that’s probably not the best reason.  I also read, “You feel most lonely when you most need to be alone.”  Also painfully true.  This is character-building time for me and it’s painful.  I like having someone else to live for, someone whose love and presence in my life inspires and motivates me.  But that can be a precarious existence.  “Never allow your happiness to depend on something you can lose.”  Yet another quote that sums up my situation.  However, if I am meant to learn to be happy by myself and for myself, my happiness relies on me.  And I have lost who I am.  You can lose your mind, but I doubt the author of the quote was thinking of this when they said that.  Either way, getting into a relationship because of loneliness or desperation is not a good reason and so I am trying to embrace my singlehood as time to destroy and rebuild, time to reboot, restart and come back stronger.

With these elements – health and relationships – in mind, it falls again to my work life as the sole remaining factor I have influence over.  And that is what I must change.  I have been thinking again about undertaking a degree in children’s nursing.  This past week, I also looked into midwifery, after a news report on the current shortage of midwives in the UK.  I discussed it with The Mrs, who was great with her advice as usual.  And for the first time, I mentioned my plans to my Mum.  She seemed a little surprised, but was supportive.  Her advice was to go for nursing as it is a broader option that midwifery and allows for more opportunities.  That was my gut feeling.  But I have decided I will apply to universities that offer both courses, in case I start nursing and find it isn’t for me. 

A huge part of my depression is not feeling like I have anything to live for – that I’m not doing anything worthwhile with my life, that my work is not fulfilling and saps all my energy so that I have nothing left to use on the things I enjoy outside of work, like my creative outlets.  Over the past couple of weeks I was feeling quite suicidal at times.  I don’t want to kill myself.  I often feel that I don’t want to exist, but it’s more the feeling of being able to crawl under a rock and hide, or just go to sleep and not have to deal with life.  I don’t usually desire the permanency of suicide, but the thoughts this time, however fleeting, were more frequent.  Something HAS to change and the only significant thing that is currently feeding into my unwell mental state that I can make a real change to right now is work.  I am going to take the plunge, September 2014 intake.  My original plan had been to start the course this year.  But I think 18 months will be a better amount of time to pay off my debts, try to get more stable in terms of my mental health, get my driving license and start saving up so that I have a little extra money besides the NHS bursary to rely on when I start my course.  It will also give me time to undertake some work experience placements before the course, which aren’t necessary as such, but will get me points at interview and will also give me an idea of the hospital environment. 

My only reservation with starting next year instead of this year, is that 18 months could be a long time to maintain my motivation.  With that in mind, I am going to try and apply as soon as I can, but deferring my place until 2014.  That way, if I can secure a place on the course, I will have something definite to work towards.  At the moment, it’s all just pipe dreams.  But when I have my place confirmed, I can motivate myself with only having X amount of time left to tolerate this job.  Or I could apply for another job, it wouldn’t really matter, I wouldn’t need to tell anyone of my future plans.  Either way, getting the application done will be the first real step towards making a necessary life change.  It’s all just pie in the sky until then.

So there.  Life is stagnant, it must change and I am going to do something about it.  And this time I WILL.  And I have written it down to hold myself accountable for it.

Friday Fill-Ins #87-90

And...here we go!

1. One time, I would like be someone's first choice.
2. Holding onto fond memories of my Dad is something that makes me smile.
3. Seven words I love: "I love you for who you are."
4. If it's going to snow; I wish it would really snow!
5. I looked out the window today and saw that most of the recent snow had melted away.
6. You can open your mouth and speak and that's saying something!

7. Ahhhh Bisto.
8. This year I need to start preparing my mind and habits for a change of career...into nursing!
9. Creating a better world always starts with you.
10. Some time this year, The Mrs and I are going to Bath for a weekend of pampering and relaxation.
11. Kick start other people's motivation with a kick and you'll probably lose friends.
12. Sometimes I long for the end of the world so that all this suffering can end.  But I know that God does everything in His own time: "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." [2 Peter 3:9].

13. Let me entertain you/be your fantasy/love you/Google that.
14. As much as you can, be patient with and kind to other people.  Everyone is going through their own life struggles and a kind word can do more to help than you know.
15. Listen here: you are precious!
16. It annoys me how many people are intent on forcing their opinions about particular issues on other people, when they actually have no idea what they are talking about!
17. When I was younger, I thought that by this age I would be settled financially and career-wise, married and a parent.  I am none of those things.
18. Sometimes, all you can do in the face of adversity is laugh!

19. Wake up it's a beautiful morning, the sun shining for your eyes.  Wake up, it's so beautiful, for what could be the very last time.

20. I feel very grateful to have had a good childhood and be able to look back fondly on all the fun we had.
21. Every picture tells a story, so they say.
22. When I feel low, I become a little too quiet.
23. Stay with what you love and enjoy.
24. I am pretty fabulous in a thousand ways.

25. Wow, this debt thing is getting ridiculous.
26. My head is seemingly devoid of useful information, but full of pointless trivia.
27. Finally, I'm almost at the point where I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
28. Being single is just going to have to be all right with me.
29. Sweet or savory: I'll take both, thanks for offering.
30. Lamentations 3:22-23 tells us that God's compassions do not fail; every morning they are new.
31. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet evening, tomorrow my plans include a quiet Sabbath day, then off to see Django Unchained with Samsonand Sunday, I want to list lots of stuff on eBay and try to organise my wardrobe!

 Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the icon to play along!