For Times Gone By

The Past Two Weeks Or So

It has been an odd couple of weeks. They have passed in a contradictory blur of nothingness and unexpected eventuality. Let's go back to the start.

A few weeks ago, NY Guy got in touch with me because he was back in NY for good. He had finished his four-month posting in London earlier than expected (partly, I think, because he tried to finish his work as quickly as possible so that he could get out of here). He wanted to contact me to explain why he hadn't got around to meeting up with me the way he had insisted he wanted to and had promised to do so. He told me that when he went back to NY before the last time he returned to London, he had met someone. I wasn't all that surprised by this revelation. He told me it was simply a physical thing, that they saw each other for a few weeks and that was it. But they were involved during his last visit to London, so he didn't feel right contacting me while being involved with someone else. I suppose that's at least honest and somewhat vaguely virtuous of him. We talked through a lot of things and it transpired that when we had last spoken and agreed we wanted to see each other, I had been open-minded about what would come of it, in the sense that if things had worked in person and he had shown that his feelings were genuine, I might have been willing to give it another chance, at least while he was in London. But he had taken it the complete opposite way and thought I was agreeing to see him out of pity or kindness and he remained reluctant to see me, despite his words expressing the opposite, because he thought that it would break his heart all over again.

He told me that if he had known I felt that way, he would certainly have seen me. He told me that if there was any remote chance of me giving it a try, he would come to London as soon as possible, he could afford to do so and started looking at available tickets and hotels. It was the week before Thanksgiving, so he was looking at the weekend after. Fast forward a week and no contact. What a surprise. I had seen him logged in on IM, so thought he must be at work, so against all my better judgement, I tried to contact him. His secretary responded to my message and told me that he was not at work. There had been a death in his family and he had gone to Florida for the funeral. I thanked her for letting me know and she said she would let him know I had tried to contact him. Another week passed and still nothing. I tried to contact him on IM again and ended up speaking to his secretary once more, who was logged into his computer to check his email messages. She told me that the person who had died was his fourteen year-old cousin, who had been hit by a drunk driver and killed in broad daylight. I felt terrible at such an awful thing happening. I did still think that a simple text from him could have told me this himself, but brushed that feeling away because I knew that it must be a difficult situation, especially since his family are so close. His secretary asked if she could ask me a question. "Are you the girl from London?" We spoke for a while and she said that NY Guy had spoken about me and had told her he was coming to see me, which he seemed really excited about. She knew that something had happened with our relationship because for a while she said he had seemed sad at work. She was very sweet, saying that she hoped things worked out between us and so on, and that as soon as he got back in the office, she would tell him to contact me. I still somewhat resented the fact that some random person who worked for him had to inform me of what was going on.

When he was back at work, we spoke briefly and he explained that obviously, his plans to come over so soon might not be feasible now, just because of the time he had taken off due to the family tragedy. I felt bad for him that such a horrible thing had happened, but over the course of us knowing each other, he has always had very valid reasons for him not being in contact, or not coming over, and so on. But there is a point at which reasons become excuses and people use valid situations to try and excuse their not-so-valid behaviours. That week, he heard that the company he works for, or at least the part of the company that he works in, was being sold. It meant that ongoing employment prospects in his current job were not looking good and that he would need to look at finding another job in the near future. Every time I tried to contact him on IM that week, he was too busy to talk. In a way, I knew this whole song-and-dance was futile. I think I was somewhat going through the motions of the back and forth nature of our relationship that I was used to. It was more about habit than desire. I suddenly realised that I was perhaps bizarrely comforted by the familiarity of the disappointment and frustration the situation had consistently brought me. I had dealt with it so long that it felt like it was all I could expect, or worse, all I deserved. I gradually realised I didn't really care enough anymore and realised there is only so much one person can take from another, before they have to start taking the blame for their own situation. He hasn't changed in the whole time I've known him and the fear of losing me hasn't motivated him to go out on a limb in order to try and keep me. If I stopped making the effort, would he step up and do so in my place? I doubt it. So, I stopped bothering to contact him and was proved right. I realised I wasn't even that bothered that he wasn't keeping in touch. It was no less than I had expected and I remembered all the very good reasons I had for breaking up with him in the first place. The bad relationship experiences I have had have made me believe that I should both expect and accept this sort of pathetic excuse for a relationship. I don't think I even saw it as a relationship anymore. It was more a sort of habitual situation that I had become used to, some sort of weird emotional crutch that I realised I didn't actually need any longer.

So, I just got on with things and realised the absence of contact with him didn't create anywhere near as large a void as I might have thought. In fact, it didn't create much of a void at all. I had already got used to not being in contact with him and since he had never been an actual physical presence in my life, it wasn't much different 'without' him as it was 'with' him. I decided to just try and get through the last couple of weeks at work by counting down to the Christmas break and try and write off 2009 as one to forget. Work was OK, but I couldn't wait for it to be over. I returned to work on the Thursday, after three days off with the bad cold that had lasted two weeks. Because of my time off sick, I had to have a 'return to work interview' with Flame Grilled which is standard procedure, just to ensure that work is not cause for any health problems. Flame Grilled and I met in a tiny meeting room which he amusingly likened to an interview room from The Bill. I ended up telling him that I had been suffering from depression and was taking medication for it, which was part of the reason for the high number of sick days I have taken this year. He responded very sympathetically and assured me that I could talk to him about it if I needed time off, or was having a difficult time. I felt better for having told him and reassured by his reaction. I haven't felt lately like I've needed time off solely because I was feeling low, but it's hard to tell if things are getting significantly better to the extent that I won't feel it necessary some time soon.

Our departmental Christmas lunch was on the Friday, the day after I returned, which meant I only had a sweet three hours of work, before swanning off to the venue for pre-lunch drinks. It has snowed the night before and we hadn't been sure if it would be heavy enough to disrupt public transport, but it didn't. Even so, there was enough snowfall to warrant me eschewing the kind of pretty outfit and heels that all my female colleagues seemed to have plumped for, and instead going with a combination of black jumper, black jeans and big Timberland-style builders' boots. Elegant. Never mind, I was still feeling too rough to bother with making such an effort, and was more concerned with not falling on either my arse or face on the snow and ice that covered the pavement on the way to the train station near my house.

The lunch was nice and we were seated at tables in our teams. My more senior colleagues are actually lots of fun, so it was nice to get a chance to talk to them in a non-work situation. After the three-course lunch (with traditional turkey Christmas dinner for main), we had mince pies with tea and coffee, before preparing for the traditional competitive merriment of the annual Christmas quiz, capably led by the masters of ceremony, Shoulders and Gannet. We were in quiz teams by table and were slightly more competitive than we all pretended to be. After this conversation I had with Shoulders a few weeks back about an alleged admirer I had at work, I had a pretty good idea about who it was, but still didn't know for sure. If it was who I suspected it to be (Samson), it was someone I had always thought seemed to be a nice guy, who was always friendly to me and was someone I definitely thought of as attractive. Just before the quiz started, I went to the toilets and came out to find Shoulders talking in the foyer with him. The conversation seemed to stall slightly when I appeared, so I said a quick hello and carried on past them into the main room.

Forty quiz questions later, Team Vinyl (or 'Dave' as we had inexplicably chosen for our quiz team name) had galloped to victory, winning a clear six points ahead of the nearest competitor. We basked in the glory with our mini gold-coloured plastic trophies and prizes of chocolates, a bottle of champagne and a selection of box-set DVDs (The Inbetweeners, The Bourne Trilogy, The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy and another I can't remember). With the food being finished and the quiz completed, management told us we were free to go home or continue the celebrations at the Student Union, or wherever else we would usually head. It was only 4.00pm, so we slowly made our way back to the office to get our things. I walked with Shoulders, Gannet and Samson, somehow getting separated from my team mates and finding myself not for the first time, amongst a group of guys. Sometimes I find I feel more comfortable in their company and don't feel so much like I have to make such an effort to talk, or have to worry so much about what they think, but I'm not sure why. Samson admired my choice of footwear, which made me laugh. We went to the office, retrieved our things, then headed to the Union, hoping they had opened slightly earlier than usual.

Boss Lady came too, which I was pleased about and we decided to just all put some money in the kitty and get as many rounds as we could from that. I volunteered with a colleague to go to the bar for the first round. At the bar, I saw Holmes, who works with Shoulders. Miss T always swears he is pure evil, but I've always thought him to be a nice, quiet, albeit slightly cheeky boy. I said hello and his reply was, "Why are you wearing an Enrique Iglesias hat?" I looked at him blankly for a second, then said "Everything Miss T said about you was true," to which he smiled with mock disbelief. Before long, we were all sat around the small tables, nursing drinks and chit-chatting. I was sat next to Holmes, Shoulders and Gannet.

We had barely sat down when Shoulders asked me, "So, what do you think of Samson?" I feigned ignorance and didn't say much in return, but he kept on, "He's a really nice guy, and he's single."

"Thanks for that," I replied, trying not to laugh.

"Maybe we should have rephrased that," said Holmes, "He's single and looking."

By this time, I was finding it hard not to smile with utter embarrassment, but they kept on. "So, what do you think of him? If you had to give him a number out of ten, what would you give him?"

"I'm not doing that!" I protested.

"I'd say he's a high eight," said Shoulders.

"I'm not giving him a number," I insisted.

"Oh my goodness," said Holmes, "You gave him a zero? Wow, that's harsh. He's going to be heartbroken."

By this time, I was feeling quite awkward and embarrassed, but sort of amused, but also worried that I wasn't doing a very good job of pretending I didn't think he was nice. I just couldn't believe that we were acting like we were back at school, when you'd get your friends to ask someone out for you, or find out if they liked you.

"Just give us a number," said Holmes in his deadpan way. "What would you say on a scale of one to ten, where I'm a nine and Shoulders is an eight...?"

"I'd say something's a bit wrong with your scale," I answered, laughing. "Why are you asking me this?!"

"No, seriously," said Shoulders, "Samson did ask me to sort of find out what you thought of him." I raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he said, noticing my reaction, "We were in the playground when he asked me."

I told them he was a nice guy, but that if anything, I'd rather talk to him about that kind of stuff than the three of them! Shoulders agreed. "He's just a bit shy. So if we left it to him to talk to you, nothing would ever happen."

After a while, they promised to leave me alone and agreed that Samson should come and talk to me himself, which they would encourage him to do. A bit later, I went to the bar to get the next round with Shoulders. He continued singing Samson's praises, saying that he was a top guy and a really good friend and that he would treat me well, etc. etc. which I found quite amusing, but also quite sweet. I wondered if he just wanted a girlfriend and they were trying to set him up with anyone, as it sounded like they had also tried to set him up with the temp who had taken over my old job. "No," said Shoulders, "Seriously, he's liked you since you started working here. I'd say from about day three. He's always liked you, but you weren't single and he was too shy to talk to you. But he's a great guy."

Samson hadn't arrived quite yet because it was his supervisor's last working day before moving to a new position in another department. They are really good friends and get on really well working together and she had been upset about leaving, so I was informed that he had apparently been talking to her and comforting her about that. "See," said Shoulders, knowingly, "That's just the kind of guy he is, very considerate, a good friend..."

Later on, my other colleague and I were buying another round of drinks for everyone and Samson was at the bar with his supervisor and an Australian girl I didn't know. He said hello to me and put his hand on the small of my back and we had a quick chat. We each ordered our drinks and then I returned to the table with them.

I had only just sat down when Shoulders said, "Look, can you do me a favour?" I raised an eyebrow again. "That girl who's at the bar with Samson, she's a bit crazy. Seriously, she wants to marry someone to stay in the country and she's taken a fancy to him, but he's too nice to not talk to her. Can you go and rescue him?"

"He might not want rescuing," I suggested, feeling a little bit like I was on show and having to do a lot of work to talk to someone who allegedly liked me.

"No, seriously, she'll try and talk to him all evening. Can you just go over there and buy him a drink?"

I felt reluctant to get involved in this strange game of match-making in which I seemed to have inexplicably become a pawn, but Shoulders was all serious. "I'm gonna get my eyes scratched out, aren't I?" I sighed, wondering what on earth I was getting myself in for in trying come between some apparently crazed Aussie chick and an apparently lovely guy who was seemingly too shy to talk to me properly. I agreed that I would get him away from the bar, but after that, if he wanted to talk to me, it was up to him. I went up to the bar and told him I was buying him a drink. He'd already had a few, so it probably wasn't the best suggestion, but I had no other reason for going up to the bar just minutes after I had last gone up there. He seemed pleased I had come to talk to him and put his hand on my back again, but I was more concerned with what Aussie chick would make of this. I got him a drink and then tried to get him back to our table, but he said he just needed to give a drink to his supervisor before coming over and went back to their table. A while later, he was still there.

"I did what you asked me," I told Shoulders, "I'm not going over there again."

"I know, you did," said Shoulders, "I'll give you that, you did go and rescue him. I don't know what he's doing, I'm going to have to have words with him about this."

After a while Samson did come over and sit next to me, but by this time everyone was a few drinks along and it probably wasn't the best time for meaningful conversation. He talked to some other friends for a while and Boss Lady suddenly turned into my mother and started grilling Shoulders on whether he was a good enough suitor for me. "Is he a nice boy?" she asked, "Is he a Christian?" which sort of surprised me on one hand and shamed me on the other, since I was out getting as drunk as the rest of them and not being the best example of my own beliefs.

The evening wore on, it had got quite late and eventually the lights got brighter and last orders were called. By this time, Boss Lady had left and I was there with Shoulders, Holmes, Dee (the temp who had replaced me) and Samson, who was partly hanging with us and partly with his housemates and other friends who had apparently turned up some time during the evening. We got up to leave and go back to our office upstairs, as everyone but me and Samson had left their stuff there. Somehow, Shoulders swiped us into the building, which somewhat irked the lone security guard on duty, who objected to such a horde of people (four!) entering outside of hours. He tried to stop us getting in, which I vaguely recall inspired alcohol-induced objection from Shoulders, who started telling him he knew his boss and that he should speak to her, and why was he giving it all the big talk for such a little man? Eek. Great way to get on a guy's side, by insulting his diminutive stature. We obstinately got into the lifts anyway and were feeling all triumphant as we arrived at the floor above, only to find that our swipe cards wouldn't let us into the office at this hour. Great. We would have to go back down and ask the very security guard that Shoulders had just insulted to let us into the office. "We'll go," said Dee, volunteering us and seizing the opportunity to use our womanly charms.

"I don't know what to say," I said in the lift back down, feeling a little bit light-headed and ready for home.

"Leave it to me," said Dee, all youth and confidence. She approached the guard and put on her sweetest voice to explain that we just wanted to collect our bags and apologised for the over-zealousness of our friend.

"I'm on my own at the moment, so I can't let you in," he explained curtly, "So you'll have to wait till my colleague gets back from patrol and then I can come up with you. But your friend's attitude needs to change."

We waited in the foyer together for a little while, then Samson appeared, after apparently leaving his housemates behind. After a little while, Holmes and Shoulders appeared out of the lift, just as the guard returned and said he could open the office, so they all clambered back into the lift. I already had all my stuff and had got too comfortable sat down, so waited downstairs for them with Samson, while they went to get their things. Samson came and sat next to me and we talked for a bit, me leaning on his shoulder as we chatted. Eventually, the others arrived back out of the lift and we left the building for the tube station. The others walked ahead, while me and Samson continued to talk, in the slightly drowsy, garbled way that is the effect of having a few drinks, but with the strange clarity and honesty that is flip-side effect of the same. Somehow, we were holding hands and I was asking why he hadn't come to talk to me properly sooner. I vaguely remember him saying that he wanted to tell me he liked me and that he always wanted to come and say hello to me in the office. At that point, we were approaching the end of the road after which we would make a right turn towards the station. "I've always wanted to come and say hello to you," he said, as we slowed down to a slow halt. "Can I say hello to you now?" he asked, looking at me, and suddenly we had stopped walking and had started kissing. When we stopped, he smiled and put his arm around me and we carried on walking, my arm around his waist and cheek snuggled close to his chest.

By the time we got to the tube station, Shoulders had already got his bus home, so Holmes and Dee were waiting for us, Holmes with eyebrow raised.

"Where have you been?" he asked in his cheekily deadpan way.

"We were talking, around the corner," I said innocently, getting no help from Samson, who seemed blissfully unaware of the situation. We went into the station, Dee getting the tube in the opposite direction to the three of us. We waved goodbye and then followed an awkward tube journey while Holmes teasingly asked me awkward questions on purpose and kept asking Samson which stop he was getting off at. A few stops later, I said goodbye to Holmes and laughed when Samson did too, following me off the train and asking me how I was going to get home from here. We stopped for a while outside the tube station, our conversation interspersed with little kisses, before Samson suggested us going somewhere for another drink. We found another bar, managed to get a cosy booth seat by a window and sat there for a while, nursing a drink each.

We sat and talked through the tipsy haze, him with his arm around me, or holding my hand, me playing with his gorgeous curly hair. We exchanged random personal information and chatted about various things in between kisses and eventually it was time to go home. He asked if he could take me out properly some time soon and I agreed, although it would have to be in the week as I had a busy weekend ahead. I gave him my number and he walked me to my bus stop, hugging me close to keep each other warm in the biting wind. After a while, my bus came, so we kissed goodbye and he waved me off on the bus, before walking off to his bus stop in the opposite direction.

He texted me later, checking I had got home safely and lamenting that he had missed his stop on the way home. Over the weekend we texted back and forth and agreed to go out on Monday evening. The whole thing was a completely unexpected event and I still wasn't completely sure how it had happened. On Monday we went out for drinks and had a really fun evening, talking lots and feeling remarkably comfortable in each other's company. We spent the whole evening together before he saw me safely on to my train home. Tuesday night we ended up going out again, this time for a quick drink, then dinner, before heading to an indie cinema to watch (wait for it) Die Hard. It's a classic and we'd both forgotten how funny it was. After another great evening, he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me in the cold until my bus arrived. Wednesday was the last day of work and management kindly (and surprisingly) told us we could leave at 12.30pm. I had got in quite late, so I stayed till 1.00pm. Samson, Gannet and a few others were going over the road for some lunch and last-day-of-work drinks. I went over to join them after I had finished at work, pleased as punch that the working week was over and the Christmas holidays had begun. We had a really nice time, chatting and laughing about lots of things. Holmes even joined us later on, even though he was already off work, as he had been Christmas shopping nearby.

We stayed a while, the guys commenting that I was a new addition to their little gang, as it was usually only the three of them that went out together from work. They joked that I would have to take part in an initiation to join them and we had a laugh, talking about things at work and laughing at Gannet's phone calls to his Mrs to check he didn't have to leave yet. After a while, we were going to go back to the other work bar, but Gannet had to leave and Holmes decided to give it a miss, probably to avoid being stuck with just me and Samson. They apparently all knew that we had been on a date or two, which I found out later. I sighed with the amusing inevitability of a work romance, however early in its stages it was, not remaining much of a secret. I wondered how pleased Shoulders would be with his match-making skills. When Samson told him we had a date, he had apparently told him to look after me because I am "a doll." I thought that was quite sweet. Samson and I spent another hour or so chatting over a drink, then decided to go and see another film. We weren't going to see each other for nearly a week after that because of Christmas and various family and friend commitments, so decided we might as well make the most of the evening.

Before we went to the cinema, Samson went to the bathroom, so I checked my phone. An emailed had popped up. Thinking it was probably one about all the Christmas bargains that I kept getting from various mailing lists, I checked it and felt a pang of surprise at seeing NY Guy's name pop up. The subject heading was "You at least deserve to know." His message then proceeded to explain why he had not been in touch for a few weeks (even though he hasn't always seen it fit to explain after some of the many other times) and informed me that he had met someone. I am assuming it is the same person who he started seeing a while back, but he explained that after his cousin had been killed, she was there for him and he had decided to give it a shot. I wasn't altogether surprised and to be honest, hadn't expected or even really needed an explanation. But what confused/amused/irritated me most was that he told me he still has all the same feelings for me he always had, which makes starting a new relationship quite difficult. Er....yeah, you think?! He said that he still wished there was a way for us to be together, insisting that "I would literally do anything to make that a reality," but that obviously it didn't seem to be a possibility at the moment. Hmm, how can one person make two such completely conflicting statements in one sentence?? I had to laugh. He always insisted that he would 'literally' (he always used that word) do anything to be with me. Yeah, except actually come to see me, keep in regular contact, make an effort to make me happy and keep our relationship going. When I really want to be with someone, I decide to start a relationship with another person and 'give it a shot' too. He then ended with "Please keep in touch," which made me both infuriated and amused at the same time. What on earth was he thinking, that I'd be his back-up plan, in case the thing with this other girl didn't work out? Exactly how stupid did he think I was? I realised just how much of an idiot he had taken me for and felt genuine sympathy for the girl he had decided to be with. I would hate to be starting a relationship with someone who had sent an email such as that to an ex-girlfriend! How awful! I actually hope it works out for them and that she is a nice girl who he will learn to treat properly, instead of his usual selfish attitude and lack of effort. The message provoked all sorts of emotions in me, but in a way, I felt glad. I was glad he had moved on and that perhaps we could draw a line under things. I would maybe have still been tempted to wonder after him if I hadn't known he was with someone else, so I was actually somewhat grateful for this information. I definitely didn't want to carry any of that baggage with me into 2010 and for the first time, he actually did something that was good for me. It made a change.

Christmas was a quiet one with the family. I slept like the dead after my week of evenings out and late nights. It was nice to just have a rest and be at home, not worrying about housework or work, or anything else that is stressful. Samson and I stayed in touch by text and then saw each other after Christmas. We are really enjoying each other's company and it is a really pleasant change to spend time with someone who is such a gentleman, good fun and just the right amount of confident. I was having a definite low patch and I'm still wavering at times, but at least things are all change for the new year.

Colds and Cold

As if this cold/flu virus/diptheria/ebola reindeer hadn't frazzled my few remaining functioning brain cells enough already, the remaining ones are now being stunned into inactivity by this bloomin' freezing chapola-mofola weather! Further to the pretty lil' snowflakes that fell on and off for most of yesterday, there is a blizzard predicted tonight. I say blizzard, but it's probably going to be little more than a light shower. The US gets blizzards, Canada gets blizzards, Russia and the rest of Eastern Europe get blizzards. Occasionally Scotland and the North of England get blizzards. London gets the odd snow shower and grinds to a pathetic halt. I'm not complaining. Flame Grilled said he was praying to get snowed in and he doesn't live that far from my part of town, so if the snow stops him getting in, I won't feel too bad if I'm stuck at home either. The hilarious thing is that it's our departmental Christmas lunch tomorrow and if the snow is as heavy as promised then virtually no-one will be able to go! Haha.

On that note, BlankFace came swanning round the office this afternoon with Double G, offering platters of muffins as a Christmas 'thank you' for all our 'hard work' this year. Er...a 'thank you' would have been paying me for the work I was actually doing all year and then not slapping me in the face by advertising my job at the higher pay rate once I'd left. But thanks, I'll take a blueberry guilt muffin if that's all we're getting.

I woke up this morning, still feeling groggy, but not having the almost-constant migraine I've had since Monday, at least not as bad. I was so excited to be feeling marginally less rough, that I got ready for work as quickly as I could, even though my brain wasn't working too speedily and I got to work at about 10.20. I did call them on the way to let them know; I think they were just happy I was coming in to be honest. Just a week to go. I'm still counting down.

Get Me Through December

Vocals: Alison Krauss
Lyrics: Gordie Sampson & Fred Lavery
Based on the melody 'Neil Gow's Lament For The Death of His Second Wife'

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild Winter day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

Courtesy of www.nataliemacmaster.com

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas

It snowed today! Real snow! Snow that fell for most of the day and actually settled on the ground! I haven't been watching the news or weather all week, so I didn't know it was going to be so cold. When I opened the curtains and saw the snowflakes softly falling, I jumped out of bed in excitement, like a little kid. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. We might have a white Christmas after all.

In other news, I got a Christmas card from The Mrs today, signed with lovely messages from both her and her Boy. She also slipped a completely unexpected monetary gift in there which was very sweet. The card literally made my day. Other than The Mrs, Bis Sis and the occasional conversation with Bro-in-Law, I haven't spoken to anyone all week. Oh, my bad, I got a text on Monday from Miss T, wondering where I was. I missed our team Christmas lunch on Tuesday, which royally sucks. The Mrs has been asking me to write some blogs all week, but my head has felt too heavy to really formulate any ideas and get some thoughts down, not to mention the fact that having to concentrate on the screen while I write wasn't really helping the migraine. Aside from that, I have been reluctant to bother writing since my frame of mind is so negative at the moment. I am miserable from feeling so rotten, I am dying for a break from work, I am lonely, I am still feeling low and I am counting down to pay day, Christmas and to 2010. Not really the emotions I want to permanently document right at this moment.

I'm hoping it snows much more, disguising everything beneath it with the blank covering that makes things seem lovelier than they are, at least until the snow melts.

Sick and Tired...

...of being sick and tired. I have been off work since Monday. I tried to soldier on through my cold last week and went to work even though I felt unwell. They are still monitoring my attendance because of all the time off sick I've had this year, so I really didn't want to take any more time off. But my immune system and my body generally isn't at its strongest lately and not giving my body adequate time to just rest and recuperate eventually took its toll. I should have put my health first and got the rest I needed. Instead, after a week feeling exhausted and a weekend that didn't afford me any extra rest (we were singing at church on Saturday and then had an early non-Christmas lunch as Bigger Sis' place on Sunday), on Monday morning, I woke up feeling worse than I had done last week: rough as all get-up, not very well, very tired and not particularly fit for work. I thought on it for a little while, but knew I needed to stay at home. I was feeling way too rough to force myself into work.

I got up and got some cereal because my stomach was completely empty and making me feel nauseous. I made some tea and returned to bed to watch some TV. I called Flame Grilled just before 10.00am to tell him I wasn't coming in. My head felt really congested and heavy, my stomach not quite settled, my eyes tired and my body unsure of what temperature it was operating at. Nearly three whole days have passed and I don't really feel much better. I have had what feels like a constant headache the whole time, have felt nauseous, tired and actually bored of sleep (I know, me!). I am literally counting the days till the Christmas break (only five working days to go, yo).

The only perks have been that on Monday morning I got to watch the repeat of the X-Factor final that I had missed over the weekend. I have also watched most of the Doctor Who DVDs that Bigger Sis lent me (she particularly recommended the episodes The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances (parts one and two of the same storyline) and Blink (which was really quite creepy). I then randomly discovered African-American comedian Katt Williams and watched some of his stand-up material.

I am kind of bored now. I had planned to go back to work today, but as soon as I woke up, I realised the plan was going to have to change. I'm fed up of feeling sick! Three days of a constant headache, nausea and feeling like a sack of shite is starting to grate slightly. Come on Christmas, get here already.

The Wu-Tang Clan and Me

Friday night, I dreamt I was meant to be going to a Wu-Tang concert. I heard that The Ex was going, with a group of friends. A friend's boyfriend (but I can't remember who) was also going with his friends. I was going to get a ticket and go on my own but ended up not doing so for various reasons, but mainly because it was on a Friday night. Then later that day, I randomly met RZA and Raekwon on the street after the concert and I was really excited. I was somewhere I didn't recognise, but I think I was in America. I explained to them that I had wanted to go to their gig but couldn't. We had a chat and I asked RZA what his favourite Wu-Tang song was. He said "The W" (which isn't even a Wu-Tang track but one of their albums, lol). I got RZA and Raekwon to each sign one of my palms and then was doing the Wu sign with their autographs on my palms. Random!

Week In Review #25

It feels a bit pointless doing the week in review at the moment, since there is very little of much significance to actually look back on. The days and weeks are flying by and hurtling us toward the festive season and the end of the year. The week has been dominated by this awful cold I have had, so most evenings were spent tucked up in bed, trying to keep warm and expend as little energy as possible. I didn't go to the gym at all, mainly because I was already so tired from being unwell.

Work has been OK, mainly just busy and samey, but at least I haven't had much time to be bored. I am actually kind of enjoying the fact that there are tasks each day that I can just get done. OK, so there will be a never-ending supply of such tasks, but at the moment, I like the fact that they are not on-going vague, loose-ended activities that never seem to get finished. I might be totally bored in a couple of months, but I'll deal with that if and when it happens. At the moment, I'll take boredom over stress and dissatisfaction.

Seeing Lolly on Monday was a tonic. It was good fun as always and a welcome distraction from everything else that was going on. I've had a few good conversations with The Mrs this week too. She always gives me a giggle and helps to cheer me up, or at least distract me from my own issues by trying to get my perspective on her own. It's hard to wallow in self-pity when your sympathy, empathy and advice is required. That's a definite good thing.

The bizarre 'conflict' with Big Sis apparently blew over of its own accord. I was still feeling a little bit put out by it, but Big Sis seemed to be pretending nothing happened, so I went along with that. I reckon if I had behaved that way, the situation would be slightly different right now, but I'm not one to carry on silly disagreements that I didn't even have any direct involvement with in the first place! An odd occurance of pointless upset for no real reason that I can see.

It has been freeeeeeezing this week. Really chilly, but mostly dry and occasionally bright, which is preferable to rain in my book any day. Did I ever mention that NY Guy and I have been in touch? Not a whole lot, but a little. Not really worth mentioning, if I'm honest. I'm trying to work out what the point of him is. He isn't consistent, isn't thoughtful, has a one-sided approach to the relationship and doesn't seem to serve a worthwhile purpose in my life. I should have learnt the lesson by now of pruning unnecessary negativity out of my existence where possible. Maybe I have a fixation with fixing people, not realising that in the process of trying to do so, I would break myself.

Another week has come and gone and with each passing day, a tiny sense of excitement comes with it. I am so looking forward to having some time off work, some time to rest, some time to just enjoy guilt-free, some time to be both productive and lazy as necessary. I am hoping to see The Mrs sometime soon, am meeting my uni girls for lunch just after Christmas, will probably see Lolly at some point and am also hoping to catch up with D if we both get a spare afternoon. It just occurred to me that it was The Ex's mum's birthday yesterday. I had been pondering on whether to send her a card a few weeks back, but now I've missed it. I'm still in two minds as to whether to send them a Christmas card. Probably not a good idea. It's strange that the Christmas season prompts us to think of times past and friends previous and present. Just this evening, Mum and I were discussing the sentiment of Auld Lang Syne and how this time of year, the atmosphere and the music makes us both feel nostalgic. Conflicts can be momentarily forgotten, disagreements dissolved and so forth. I'm starting to think retrospectively again, as I do quite often anyway, but especially towards the end of each year. It's time to take stock, make mental notes of lessons learned, throw away the baggage you don't want to carry into next year and start a new chapter. There are less than three weeks left of 2009 and I am getting ready to welcome 2010 with open arms.

Happy week, y'all.

Making Things Better

I feel kind of numb and blank at the moment. Not quite emotionless, just unable to identify exactly what I am feeling. I'm lacking inspiration, devoid of enthusiasm and lethargic physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively and spiritually. I think 2009 is another year I'd quite like to forget about.

I spoke to The Mrs last night. We were talking about insecurities and self esteem. “When are things going to get better?” I asked. “Things will get better babe,” she replied, “when we make them better. Things are tough, but don't go backwards babe. Go forwards.” Sound advice. I think the desire to do so is there for sure. But the ability? Frozen by fear, confused by lack of confidence, paralysed by past and present pain. I've stagnated and I need to get the current moving again, get some fresh ideas, renewed energy and new life in there to sweep away all the negativity and toxicity that has built up while things have become stagnant.

A new year is approaching and I love the blank canvas that it brings with it. The new year makes way for my favourite season, spring, the season of new beginnings, new life, rebirth, growth and beauty where things were previously bare. It feels almost as though my canvas of 2009 has remained blank, but not in the sense that it is unsullied, more that it just got completely covered over with grey.

I was talking with another friend recently who seems to always have difficult situations come within a couple of months of each other. He seems to just get on with things. Lolly was commenting recently on how within our circle of friends (The Sisterhood and co.), we all seem to have had quite an unpleasant year or so. I went for dinner with Bigger Sis a week ago on Monday and told her about how I have been feeling and that I have been taking medication for it, which I started not long before we went to Cornwall for her birthday in the summer. She had said that Big Bro was concerned about me because I had lost so much weight since he last saw me. When I told her that I had just started taking my medication a couple of weeks before that, she said "That makes sense. When you weren't animated or doing something, you looked unhappy." I knew that I probably wasn't really able to hide how I was feeling, since that was when I was at my worst, but it's not nice to know that it was so evident. I don't want to continue having 'unhappy' as my default setting. It never was before. When I was first experiencing my low patch, before I realised how bad things were and that I was actually depressed, I think I had just gone through a period of no contact with NY Guy. He had cut me off and I didn't know what had happened, but just had to assume that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Boss Lady had known I wasn't very happy, but all she knew was that work was quite stressful. I remember that he got back in touch and we worked things out and then I had a one-to-one meeting with Boss Lady and she commented that I had "got my glow back."

It's funny how you can think that you are doing a good job of frontin', but in fact those who know you, know immediately when you are not quite yourself. I don't like the thought that the people I have met or got to know in the past couple of years have seen the depressed me, the me that is unhappy, the me that is unenthusiastic and insecure and unable to be vibrant and positive about life, the way I'd like to be. I've always had a sarcastic edge, but that's my sense of humour. I can be quite dry about things, but deep down I'm an optimist. I don't like that the positive side of me has been almost inert for so long. I did used to understand the concept of depression, but I didn't fully understand its actual effects until I had experienced it myself the past year or two. I do believe that happiness is predominantly a choice. I mean, we can't always control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we react to each situation and how we allow it to make or break us. But I know now that when your mind state requires the assistance of medication to get back on track, it's not as easy as just thinking positively. I do feel positively for the most part, but that has always been the bizarre thing. Even when I'm being sarcastic and dramatic and negative about things, I usually take a philosophical approach to situations and try to find the funny, even when things are awful. But lately, I've found the melancholy in my mood to be the overwhelming force and my sense of positivity has struggled to keep afloat.

It's bizarre, finding it burdensome and draining to just function socially on a normal basis. I'm constantly aware that other people have so many more pertinent problems than I do, but feeling guilty or unjustified for feeling low just adds to the low feeling. At least when you have a specific situation that you are feeling sad about, you have an explanation for it. When you are inexplicably feeling melancholic and you don't necessarily want to tell the world that you are depressed, you don't feel like you have good enough reason to explain your mood to other people. I can't remember the number of times I have felt completely and utterly physically and mentally drained after being in a social situation when I was feeling low and where the other people didn't know about it. It completely saps me of energy just carrying on a conversation and engaging with the other person, or simply concentrating on what is being said and being able to adequately respond. It's also difficult wanting to just tell people the reason why, just because it is easier than keeping up the façade, but being reluctant to, because you can never gauge what someone's reaction is going to be. It's fine for me to share it with people who know me well, or people who I know have more of an understanding or open-mindedness about mental and emotional well-being. But it's worse opening up to someone and seeing them mentally recoil at or be puzzled by the notion of depression. Being told to pull yourself together by someone who lacks understanding often feels more detrimental than just trying to act normally and tiring yourself out in the process.

I know that this is a stage in my life that I am going through, that I will overcome and learn from. But dealing with it in the meantime can be quite difficult. I have definite peaks and troughs, but at the moment, the peaks aren't frequent enough to balance out the troughs. I know that 2010 needs to be a year of change for me, a year of new experiences, of taking new opportunities and of affirmative action. The Mrs was absolutely right. Things don't get better unless you make them better. So I am going to try to keep on keeping on and hope for good things coming just around the corner.

Nothing To Say

I have writer's block, no inspiration and nothing to write about. The end.

Is It Only Monday...?

I went out for dinner with Lolly tonight. It was lovely to see her, as always, but it was also handy to be out of the house for the evening. I'm still not sure quite where I stand with Big Sis and didn't much fancy the prospect of feeling uncomfortable in my own home if I was still somehow the enemy. Last night I fell asleep watching Monk on my laptop at about 8.00pm. It was only meant to be a nap,but I didn't wake until it was nearly midnight, so it turned into my kip for the night. I haven't seen Big Sis since Saturday night.

Work was busy as usual today. Flame Grilled wasn't in, so it felt a little bit more relaxed, even though he is very laid back as it is. I got on with the new requests I had,finished up most of the outstanding ones and added all the ones I have completed since I started to the log sheet, which I have kept forgetting to do. I was definitely not feeling quite better, but at the moment, being at work would be preferable to being at home, which says a lot. I felt snuffly all day and was glad I bought the box of man-size tissues (no, not the size of a man, as the name would suggest) for my desk on my way to work. By 5.00pm, I was feeling pretty drained and wasn't sure I would be good company for Lolly, but was looking forward to seeing her.

We went to our usual place for drinks, then on to our other usual place for pasta and meatballs. We did our usual combination of serious conversation, random madness, hilarity, made-up words and amusing hand gestures. I got home at about 11.00pm, which probably was a bit later than I should have done, seeing as I am still not feeling quite well. That said, I didn't go to bed immediately, as I should have done, but took a while to wind down and fell asleep watching CSI some time after midnight. I am a creature of habit.

A Non-Day

It's been a bit of a non-day, to be honest. After Mum, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law left for the graduation, I got up, cleaned my teeth and washed my face. I brushed the very sore gum surrounding my last obstinate wisdom tooth with salt, then rinsed my mouth and gargled with salt water for my sore throat, before I returned to bed for a bit to see what was on TV and to start a blog post. After a bit, I went downstairs to get some breakfast, but took some dirty clothes with me to put in the machine to wash. I wanted to have a soak in the bath at some point, so put the heating on and then I washed up the saucepan and the few bowls, mugs, cups and cutlery that were in the sink, while my bread turned to toast in the toaster and the kettle boiled. I made tea, buttered my toast and spread some marmalade on it, then took it upstairs so I could eat it while watching TV. I did some writing, checked some emails, paid a couple of bills, listened to some music which I could do without worrying about disturbing anyone for a change, then decided I was ready for a bath.

It was already lunchtime, but I wasn't living by a to-do list today for a change and was more concerned with making sure I got enough rest so that I felt well enough for work tomorrow. I ran the bath with some bath oil and foam, then got in for a soak. The water was hot but just enough for me to comfortably have a soak in. I could feel it was getting steamy in there but I didn't feel much like rushing. I used some hot oil treatment on my hair, then shampooed and rinsed. I heard my phone start ringing from my bedroom. It was probably The Mrs. It was unlikely to be anyone else. I slathered conditioner on my freshly-rinsed hair, before getting ready to give my skin a good scrub. It was around this time that I started feeling light-headed. At first I thought it was just a bit too hot in there, so I opened the bathroom door a little (another perk of being home alone). But I started to feel sick and weak and had the horrible feeling that starts to come before you faint (a feeling I am all too familiar with). I ran some cold water into a glass and drank it, remembering the last time that I fainted and drinking cold water took away the nauseous feeling. The coolness of the water felt good, but it didn't rid me of the feeling completely and I still felt really faint. I was scared I would pass out in the bath and I was all alone. I got out of the bath, still dripping wet, and tried to crouch on the bathroom floor to steady myself and get some air. I felt sick and uncomfortable and knew I had to get out of there. I was still covered in soap and still had the conditioner in my hair, so I pulled the plug to get the water drain away, then got back in the bath to rinse with some luke-warm water. I tried to get rid of all the soap as quickly as possible, trying to fight the weak feeling and just wanting to get out of the bath.

Once I was sufficiently soap-free, I carefully got out of the bath, wrapped my towel around me and then rinsed the tub. I went to my room and lay back on my bed, keeping my towel on me so that the bedcovers didn't get wet. I was feeling weak and weird. I checked my phone. It was The Mrs. I called her back and offered a weak "hello."

"Are you OK??" she asked.
"I nearly just fainted in the bath," I explained.
"Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"Are you taking your iron tablets?"
"No."
"You're anaemic, you need to take them! I'm very worried about you!"
"When I last went to my doctor, she said I didn't need to take them anymore."
"Are you on your own?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to call your Mum and tell her to come round to be with you."
"Don't do that! She wouldn't. And anyway, she's gone to the graduation."
I laughed inwardly at the thought that my Mum would come all the way to our house just because I felt faint. She's a nurse, it takes something much more serious than that to get her sympathy.
"You need to take your iron tablets. And go back to your GP, I don't think you should be feeling so tired and sick all the time."

Maybe it was true, but I didn't want to fuss. I felt a bit rubbish that I was alone and that I don't have someone who would drop everything to come and look after me. I don't even need looking after, but it's nice to have the option, you know? We chatted for a while about some other stuff and how she and her Mr had spent ages decorating her mum's new fibre-optic Christmas tree, only to discover afterwards that her mum decided she didn't like the fibre-optic tree after all. I laughed, imagining a pretty good idea of how her mum would have reacted. I remembered that I was going to put up my own Christmas lights today. After a bit, I said I needed to go and get dressed, as my wet hair was making me feel cold. I was insanely jealous about the Sunday roast that The Mrs and her Mr were going to eat at her mum's. I remember the days of banging Sunday roasts at The Ex's parents' house and how much I always looked forward to them. I remember having a yummy roast at The Mrs' mum's house myself one time. Hmm, perhaps I hadn't eaten enough today. We said our goodbyes and I took my orders.
"Don't faint any more, OK?"
"OK."

It took me a little while to feel OK again, but when I did, I went to get some cereal, some tea, some juice and some snacks to nibble on so that I didn't have to go back downstairs for a while. I replaced the clean clothes in the machine with a new load that needed washing. I retreated upstairs and got dressed, while watching some Miami Ink and surfing the net. I wasn't much looking forward to the others returning home, mainly because all morning the situation had been bothering me. Quite often, I won't have an immediately strong reaction to certain situations, but the upset kicks in a while later, after it has sunk in and I have mulled over it. I was still feeling hurt, defensive and angry about things and didn't really want to see Big Sis, as I knew with how I was feeling I wouldn't be able to act normally. Mid-afternoon, I heard the car in the drive. A bit later, Mum came upstairs and knocked on my door. She presented me with quite a fancy-looking certificate, but after everything that had happened with my verbal assignment, I really couldn't care less, to be honest. She told me quietly that she had called Big Sis this morning to tell her she was coming and that she would pick them up. I didn't ask much more. She was feeling tired and wanted to go home, which was understandable, as she still wasn't 100% well. She asked what I had been doing. "Not much," I replied honestly. I tested my earlier theory and told her "I nearly fainted in the bath." "You haven't eaten anything, have you?" she said. "I have," I told her, "I just felt hot and weak." She didn't say much more. Told you, Mrs, no sympathy from nursing staff. She gave me a kiss goodbye, then went downstairs.

I stayed in my room, watching more Miami Ink and sorting out a few things. I remembered that I was going to put up my Christmas lights, so I got them down from the Christmas box I have above my wardrobe. For one set, I will need to tap some small nails in the wall to hook them onto, but didn't want to go downstairs to get the hammer, so will do those later. The other set, I draped around my window, then set on a slow fade, so that alternate bulbs fade in and out very slowly. I'm feeling a little bit more cheery and Christmassy, but still feel a bit weak and tired.

Late afternoon, The Mrs texted asking what I was up to for NYE and saying I was welcome to join her and her Boy at his mum's house as they were dog-sitting while his mum and step-dad went out. I found the offer very sweet and didn't say no, but wonder if being the add-on with a couple at this time of year will just make me more aware of my own loneliness. I had been looking forward to the holidays, but at the moment, I just want to be alone. We have an early seasonal lunch at Bigger Sis' place this Sunday, which will be lovely if this horrible atmosphere has dissipated. The following weekend we have meeting with our small group and are going to have a Christmas sleepover at Mum and Dad's place. I am actually quite excited. My adopted children, Big C, Little C and The Destroyer are all going to be there with their parents and they are quite excited. They give me non-stop entertainment and it's actually quite nice having children around at this time of year. It stops me feeling so cynical.

I am still annoyed because Big Sis will probably have moved on from her little outburst, but I can't shake the feeling of upset off. I hate being dragged into emotional conflicts unwarranted and then being left there because I get more affected by it, when everyone else has moved on and forgotten about it. Right now, I could do with a cuddle and some comfort KFC.

In The Middle

I hate being in the middle. I don't much like conflict. I am also fed up of trying to be a pacifier. In the US, they use the term 'pacifier' for the things they give to babies to suck on to keep them quiet. Know what they call those here? Dummies. Interesting.

Yesterday, we went to church earlier than usual. Mum had been asked to lead out in one of the Bible study classes and then the three of us were leading the praise and worship singing in the main service. I had gone to sleep at 8.00pm on Friday night and woken up after eleven hours' sleep at 7.00am the next morning, still feeling quite rough and with a sore throat. Mum was still not feeling 100% after having colds and flu all week and Dad stayed at home because he had got sick after looking after Mum. Luckily, my throat held out and we managed to sing everything OK. When we got home, we ate the leftover toast from breakfast because we were all feeling famished. Big Sis went on Mum's laptop, which isn't unusual. She was watching a sermon online while Mum cooked a hot lunch. I helped Mum for a little bit, then told her about the graduation that was taking place on Sunday for the lay-preaching course we had been attending. I had already decided that I didn't want to go, for various reasons, but now I wasn't feeling well, I knew it was the best idea. Mum mentioned that she might go so that she could take photos of Big Sis, but then when she heard Bro-in-Law was going, she said, "Oh, well that's good, he can take some photos then."

We all talked over lunch, but Big Sis continued to watch the program. We were half-watching, but were talking as well, while we ate our food. After the sermon, there was a musical presentation, but I wasn't really feeling it. I made that clear, being slightly obnoxious on purpose because Big Sis sometimes does the same when I am watching things she doesn't like. The difference is that I watch such things in my own room, on my own television or laptop, not in a shared space that means she is forced to watch it. Mum wasn't feeling the music either and asked Big Sis to turn it off, but she didn't. Dad had just gone upstairs, probably for a rest, so Mum followed not long after. I needed the bathroom, so went to the one upstairs. I didn't particularly want to sit there listening to music I wasn't enjoying.

When I went upstairs, Mum and Dad were resting and so I decided to do the same and had a nap in their room. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that Big Sis would take this personally, seeing as we all left the room within about five minutes of each other. But she knew we didn't want to watch what she was watching and since she insisted on continuing to do so, even after Mum asked her to switch it off, you would have thought she would have been pleased to be left alone to watch what she wanted in peace.

Fast forward to two hours later and Mum and I woke up, feeling hot and dehydrated. Dad had already gone downstairs. We weren't even intending to have a long nap, but obviously both needed it because we were both feeling under the weather. I got dressed and got my stuff ready, then went downstairs. Big Sis was still watching stuff on the laptop. We had a hot drink and then Mum went to the hall over the road to say a quick hello to some old church friends who had hired it that evening for a party for our friend's 50th birthday. When she came back, we watched Harry Hill's TV Burp, which Big Sis watched with us. The X-Factor was on afterwards. Sometime during the program, I could feel something change. I could feel a slight bad vibe coming from Big Sis since I had expressed my dislike of the music program she had been watching earlier, but it suddenly got worse. I was sitting on her right and got the feeling out of the corner of my eye that she might be crying.

After a while, Mum was going to give us a lift home, so we got up to leave. Big Sis mentioned something to Dad about having a family meeting about some shared bills we have to sort out. "Not now," said Dad, as we were obviously about to leave. "I know not now," said Big Sis, visibly irritated, "but if we don't set a time then nothing gets sorted out, does it?" Her tone was disapproving and I knew that my instinct had been right. We prayed before we left and said our goodbyes to Dad, then got in the car.

Not long after we had driven off, Big Sis said to Mum, in an upset tone, "Mum, are you coming to my graduation tomorrow?"

Sensing the tone and what was about to happen, Mum was silent for a moment and then said, "No, I wasn't going to especially."

"But if Em was going, then you would," Big Sis replied, unable to hide the anger in her voice.

"No, not necessarily," Mum replied calmly.

"Yeah, you would," said Big Sis. I waited for it to begin.

That's when she kicked off, saying in tears that she was fed up of being ignored in this family and that it was like she had to compete to be heard and that no-one was interested in her or her life or anything she wanted to say. I asked how she had been ignored and what she wanted to talk about. "Anything," she replied, "anything that I want to talk about." I didn't really have anything to say, not really knowing what the point of arguing with her was, and knowing that most of this was probably directed at Mum. "What's the point of me coming here at the weekend?" she said, "I might as well stay at home with my husband." She made several more outbursts on the way home, and I was willing Mum to say something back to her, but Mum kept silent. We stopped on the way to pick up a newspaper for Dad, which I got out to buy as usual. I wondered if Mum might talk to her while I was in the shop. I stopped to get out cash to buy me a bit more time. As I went to pay, the guy at the till was talking to his female colleague. I see both of them virtually every week, as we usually stop at the same place to get the paper. I handed him my cash and my points card. He looked at me in a way I couldn't quite work out and I was conscious that I wasn't as friendly as I might usually be because of what had been happening in the car.

"Don't you think they should put the full name on these cards?" he said to his colleague, holding up my points card, which had my initial and surname on it. "Then you wouldn't need to say to someone, 'I like your smile miss, what is your name?', and give them a cheesy line, you could just see it on their card."

His female colleague gave him an unimpressed look and looked at me, shaking her head.

"I like your smile, miss," he said to me while handing me my change, "Can I ask you your name?"

"No," I said, sort of laughing and looking at his colleague, who I usually have a chat to when I see, and who was still giving me a sympathetic look.

"See," he said to her as I started to turn to walk away, "it's not a good line!"

I was laughing a little, but dreading getting back into the car. Once I did, things were still silent. They pretty much remained so until we got to the petrol station opposite our road and Mum asked me to put some petrol in the car. I was happy to get out of the atmosphere again and put £20 in, laughing when I over-filled by 1p. We got home and I expected Big Sis to get out of the car as soon as she could, in which case I was going to stay behind and talk to Mum. But she didn't. I wondered if they might want to talk, so I started to get my stuff and thanked Mum for the lift and then got out of the car, but Big Sis started to get out too. I waved goodbye to Mum and we went indoors. Bro-in-Law wasn't home and Big Sis asked me about the shared bills we were sorting out and why I hadn't paid what I had said I was going to. I explained that I had tried on more than one occasion this week to do so online like I usually do, but it wasn't letting the payment go through.

"Have you still got enough?" she asked, still with the accusatory tone that she had kept with all evening. I explained that I might not be able to pay quite as much as I had hoped, but definitely most of it. "Have you been helping Mum out with something I don't know about, or something?" she quizzed, "Because I know how I always get left out."

I was stuck between just wanting to either laugh in her face, shout at her in frustration, or tell her to grow up. "No," I answered, "I don't know what you're trying to say, but I don't know anything more than you do." I could hear her starting to say something back, but I dropped the things I had bought in the kitchen and then took my things upstairs.

I am so fed up of these random outbursts she has once a year or every two years, suggesting that everyone is against her or that our parents favouritise me over her. I was especially irritated by the fact that she was suggesting we don't want to talk to her or that we ignore her, when the fact of the matter is, she made no effort to start conversation with any of us, or even join in the existing conversation because she was so determined to watch whatever she wanted to watch on the laptop. Our parents don't take an extra interest in what I do, any more than they do in what she does. The difference is that I go to see them every week and when I do, I talk to them and offer up information about what is going on with me. They don't always ask me about my life. But that's how they are. I don't take that to mean that they don't want to know or don't care. But Big Sis seems to want everyone to chase after her and tease any information out of her, despite the fact that she seems more interested in checking what people are doing on Facebook than talking to the parents whose house she is visiting.

The fact is, I have gone to their house to stay on Friday evening every week for the past three years. Big Sis came some of the time, but obviously leading up to her getting married and after she got married, she didn't bother as much. Sometimes, I didn't always feel like it. But I knew that they liked having us round to visit or to stay. That was my choice. When Big Sis didn't go to see them, that was her choice. Why is it my fault that they know more about what I am up to because I choose to spend more time with them, or make the effort to keep them informed when I do spend time with them? I am really bored of being made to feel bad, just because I act a certain way and Big Sis chooses to act a different way. I can't count the number of times I have tried to act as a go-between in my family, trying to smooth things out between my Mum and my sister.

I was feeling really uncomfortable, knowing that I would now have to live with this horrible atmosphere while Mum returned home and wondering what other things Big Sis would find to have a go at me about. I texted The Mrs and asked if she had time for a chat. She isn't feeling too well either, so we were talking about that and then I told her about my situation. She felt bad that she couldn't offer more advice or say much in return, as she wasn't feeling well, but I think I just needed to get it off my chest. We spoke for quite a while and I was grateful that she just listened and allowed me to let off steam. After we spoke I called my Mum. I asked if she was going to the graduation and suggested that maybe she should, because it would probably help things. She said that Big Sis hadn't even talked to her about it or even asked her to go and she didn't think that her outburst in the car really counted as an invitation. As it was, she still wasn't feeling well. She said that if Big Sis had asked her to go properly, then by all means she would have gone without a second thought. But as it was, she hadn't even been told that guests could come. I hadn't mentioned it to her myself because I had decided not to go and to be honest I wasn't that bothered about it. I wouldn't have bothered asking her even if I was going. I asked if she had said anything to Big Sis in the car, but she said that she had just stayed quiet, not wanting to get into the argument and feeling stressed enough with other things going on as it is. She said that since Friday evening, Big Sis had just been on the laptop the whole time and not bothered to make any conversation with her or Dad, so how on earth could she then accuse them of not wanting to talk to her, when she wasn't being sociable in the first place? I could see Mum's point of view and I didn't want to persuade her to go to the graduation if she wasn't feeling well. She said that she was pleased when she heard Bro-in-Law was going and thought maybe she should leave them to it, as Big Sis is married now and maybe Mum should let her husband support her and shouldn't get involved. "But I think she wants you to be involved, Mum," I suggested, "but she just didn't ask you." "Well exactly," Mum replied, "she didn't ask." She said that she might go but she was still feeling unwell and would have to see how she felt in the morning. She told me to just be patient with my sister. Hmm. I'm trying.

I eventually went to sleep after about 1.30am, probably because of my almost 3-hour nap that afternoon. I woke up a few times and found it hard to get back to sleep properly, but drifted in and out of sleep until my alarm when off at about 9.30. Suddenly I heard a car outside and I sneaked a peak out of the window to see that Mum had arrived. I was really pleased. I was hoping she wasn't feeling too unwell, but I think it was a good thing to do. I stayed in bed till I heard them all leave, then got up, feeling excited to have an empty house as a rare treat. I hope that Big Sis might appreciate Mum's gesture, but I worry that she will see it as vindication of sorts, or proof that the accusations she made are true. I am enjoying the peace and quiet of having the house to myself while I can. I'm not really looking forward to them returning home. No matter what I do, there will be something that I've done that is not right.

Losing It

I lost motivation a little this afternoon. Probably because I had a couple nights in a row without quite enough sleep,wasn't feeling particularly impressed by yesterday's revelation and was generally feeling a little bit let down and fed up. I went to sleep feeling like my throat might be getting sore,woke up thinking it probably was getting sore and leaving work with it being really sore. As the afternoon wore on,I just felt steadily more and more grumpy, until I left work feeling miserable and on the verge of tears. I really need a break.

Not Bitter

Boss Lady sent me an email this afternoon. She was replying to a work-related one I had sent, but told me to come and talk to her before I left for the day, because she had some news that "may simultaneously interest and exasperate" me. After finishing up the tasks I had started, I went to the kitchen to wash up my mug and cutlery, then went to have a chat with her and catch up on the latest. The news? BlankFace has asked her to draft an advertisement for my old job. Nothing especially unusual there. But she wants her to tweak the job description and make it the level above what I was getting paid at. Yes, the very level that I have just started on in my new job, the same level that I worked at for 16 months, while still being paid at the level below. The same job level that they decided not to recruit to, after interviewing me and saying I hadn't proved I could work at. The same level that Little Big Boss and Boss Lady had been trying to get management to recruit to.

I put my hand to my mouth in disbelief, then started laughing while shaking my head. I knew it. I knew it. Miss T had said she thought it would happen. I didn't think they'd do it at first, but after the redundancies, I knew that anything was possible. Boss Lady couldn't believe it. They had mentioned something a couple of weeks ago, but she had decided not to mention it to me, as she didn't really believe anything would come of it. But now it seemed it really was going to happen, she wanted to tell me first, before word got out and the advertisement went live. She was really apologetic, but it's not like it was her fault. She asked me how things were in my new job and I told her that things were really busy and I was doing the same tasks over and over because we had a backlog of work after losing our temps. "I'm sorry," she said, "I genuinely thought it would be better for you over there." I suppose it still is, but we were baffled at how they refused to upgrade my previous post, but yet I am now being paid at the upgraded rate in a different post, while doing the same work that temps were. It makes absolutely no sense. There seems to be no long-term plan to develop Boss Lady's section, or even any improved understanding of the substantial workload or the importance of what that team does, despite all of BlankFace's involvement. It's like she just got involved, not so she could help develop it as we hoped, but so that she could make gradual changes that would justify downsizing the team altogether. Boss Lady is now anticipating that she'll be the next redundancy and to be honest, I couldn't even really reassure her that it wouldn't happen. We spoke for about 30 minutes and tried to figure out what to make of it all, but you can never tell what is going to happen next. "So there you go," she said, "They're going to advertise the post," she said, "so if it's not working out over there..." I laughed. "I won't be offended if you don't apply," she said with mock sarcasm.

After I left work, I didn't know how to feel. I was still sort of amused by it, probably because I was still in sarcastic shock. By the time I got home, I was starting to feel more upset and frustrated about it. At about 10.00pm, I got a text from Miss T:

Boss Lady told me about your old job. That takes the piss. How mad are you?

We texted our irritations about senior management back and forth for a while. Last week, we got the details of our departmental Christmas lunch through and were asked to confirm our intention to attend. Miss T had decided she wasn't going, partly because it had been arranged on a Friday, which is her day off, and partly out of principle. StroppyPants isn't going either. "Breaking bread is very symbolic," I heard her explaining to Flame Grilled, "and you should do it with people you like and respect!" Fair point. I am seriously considering giving it a miss too, now. We already have a team lunch arranged which will include both my new and old teams. At least they are people that I like. I'm not sure how much enjoyment I will get from having a meal and a quiz with some of the very people who have essentially shafted me and played quite a large role in my unhappiness for the past 17 months.

I'm still glad I moved, I think the change has done me some good and has helped to shake things up a bit. Plus, I'm getting paid more for almost doing less. But I'm still going to watch my back, while trying not to get bitter!

Gym Bunnies and Admin Monkeys

Work has been manic. To be honest, as loathe as I am to admit it, being a manic admin monkey sort of quite suits me. For now. I like being busy and my previous role was starting to get me down and bore me, so that I felt quite demotivated and ended up spending quite a portion of the emailing my friends and writing blogs, towards the end. I would like a bit of respite in my current role, but I know this is an especially busy period, especially seeing as we've just lost two temps, so it should hopefully quieten down. Then I'll be able to learn some more varied stuff. I've realised that for all my laziness and laid-back attitude about things, I actually put high expectations and quite a lot of pressure on myself. It's probably worse because I haven't been feeling especially high in self esteem for some time, but I want to be good at what I do, even if it is just being an admin monkey. It's actually nice to feel a sense of motivation for a change.

I have also been going to the gym with workmates during my lunch break. I went twice last week, went yesterday and again today. Today, I went with Miss T, Shoulders and Gannet. Shoulders is apparently still trying to persuade Jumpers to join up. It's quite funny having this little crew of us going down there en masse. We don't work out together (although Shoulders keeps trying to persuade me to do free weights with them), but today me and Miss T went on the treadmills, then I did some weights machines while she worked the cross-trainer. My thighs were already aching from my 20 minute treadmill run yesterday. They are caning now, lol. I am feeling better for it, though. I still feel tired, but it's probably helping my overall health, my heart rate and my appetite.

I am on my way home now, feeling rather hungry and planning a soak in a hot bath to relax my aching muscles. I stopped in Dorothy Perkins at the station on my way home. They have some boots I've had my eye on and they had a 20% discount on everything today, so I took advantage of it. It would've been rude not to, right?

OK, so not a lot has changed necessarily, but the little shifts in activity are currently doing me some good. Roll on, Christmas! Can't wait for two blissful weeks off.