Farewell, 2008

So far, I have welcomed in the New Year thus:

• shopping in Romford with the Mrs. and playing 'Spot the (probably fake) Ugg boots,' as every girl within a 50m radius seemed to be wearing them (including us, shamefully)
• feeling like a grumpy boyfriend on a shopping trip with his girl, after my enthusiasm for shopping died with the realisation that I couldn't really buy anything
• in the company of my darling Mrs. and her mama (and their dog, Dee)
• eating pizza and cheesy garlic bread and chicken strips while watching Mamma Mia for the first time
• singing along to the fantastic ABBA soundtrack and being reminded of beautiful summer days spent in my back garden as a child, sunbathing on old matresses while playing ABBA on the ghetto blaster
• drooling over Johnny Depp with the Mrs.' mum while watching the end of Chocolat
• getting farted on all evening by Dee
• not being able to contact the Boy to wish him a Happy New Year due to communication problems (of sorts)...*sigh*
• getting a few new year well wishes from a few lovely people
• getting ready to party like it's....2009.....while we watch Jules Holland's Annual Hootenanny or Elton John's New Year's Eve Party, depending on who wins out of Claire and her mum (currently seems like her mum has it...)

There are many things I could say about what this past year has been. But to be honest, I have had enough of past reflection for one week. Right now, I am going to live in the moment and enjoy the rest of my evening, without thinking on the failings of the past year or what my potential accomplishments for the next year should be. I am simply going to continue having a fun evening with one of my favourite people.

Wishing you all God's blessings for a wonderful, prosperous 2009, filled with love, growth and happiness for you and all of yours.

The Gift

You came to us in poorest kind,
No fanfare, flourish, or applause.
Your birthplace, crude and unrefined;
Your virtue outweighed all its flaws.

Yet those from polar social tiers:
The working class and learned men,
Heeded signs that in heav’n appeared,
That they might speak their own amen.

The other worlds watched hushed, in awe
That their Creator and their Lord
Would lie upon a bed of straw,
A helpless babe, by most ignored.

To welcome God’s own Son, no feast,
No esteemed guests to sing His praise;
The long-lost children of the East
Brought tributes which His life conveyed:

The gold acknowledged royalty,
Its value did befit a King;
The wise men’s humble loyalty
Did threaten Herod’s glorying.

The frankincense, a fragrant part
Of sacred mixtures that were burned
In Your own temple’s Holy heart,
While Your priestly role was adjourned.

A poignant final gift to You,
Which pointed to Your purpose, grave:
Myrrh would your burial robes imbue,
Once You had died, this world to save.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two thousand years or so have passed
Since You came down from heav’n to earth,
Your gift to us is unsurpassed:
You gave Your life to show our worth.

Yet now we celebrate a date
That certainly marked not Your birth,
And many do commemorate
With opulence, excess and mirth.

Exchanging gifts, oft rashly bought,
Indulging in all worldly joys;
The day may pass without a thought
Or reflection, amidst the noise,

On what the angels did declare:
“Glory to God and peace to all.”
What beauty in that simple prayer,
Made as You slept inside that stall.

Our hearts have lost the central theme
That should frame each day of our lives:
That love for You should reign supreme
And motivate us to decide

To treat each person as one’s self
And humbly give of what we own,
Regarding not prestige or wealth
Above the ideal you have shown.

Please help me Lord, to ne’er forget
The precious gift You gave to me,
To cherish it and better yet:
Share it with all, whole-heartedly.

The Week in Review #5

It has been a little while since I last reviewed the events of my week. This is not due to those weeks being uneventful. On the contrary, I have seemingly been too busy and rather too tired to put it in writing. This past week or so has flown by. I am sort of glad that Christmas is pretty much over and am actually looking forward to the new year. More or less. :o)

Noteworthy events of the past week or two?

1. We had our Christmas lunch at work. We went to the Chicago Rib Shack (maybe not such a great choice from my team's point of view, since two are vegetarians and I don't eat pork and not so much meat in general). However, the meal was nice. We had a laugh. I got teased for looking even shorter than normal, even though I was wearing heels. We wore silly hats and took pictures of us wearing them. We had a quick chat with the previous Academic Registrar, who had retired in September, and remembered how nice and personable he is. We went to the student union afterwards for a drink, because our table booking for the meal ended at 4.00pm. I realised that although it has been a pretty tempestuous year work-wise for all of us, they are a great bunch of people and that counts for a lot.
   
   
2. We had our Christmas lunch at church. It was a nice gathering. They are a real family and have a lot of genuine affection and consideration for each other. The guys who are decorating the centre as part of their community service joined us for lunch. We saw a card and photo the church had received from a young couple who had attended our church for a couple of months before they got married, before returning to Australia for good. We had sang at their wedding. It was lovely to see that they and their three children are doing well.
   
   
3. We had our Christmas dinner at home. One on Sunday with Bigger Sis and one on Christmas Day. It was nice spending time together. It was also nice eating yummy home-cooked meals.
   
   
4. I sent a big package of chocolate to the Boy to fatten him up for Christmas (lol). I sent a big selection with his favourites stashed at the bottom of the box. I love preparing surprises and presents for people. He loves chocolate an unnatural amount. He's probably eaten half of them already.
   
   
5. However, I realised that some patterns of behaviour cannot be changed very easily. Contact with the Boy has been sparse of late and based on previous form, I have a strong hunch as to the reason why. It's nothing sinister, but I have a feeling that he has some things on his mind and is doing the typical male trick of retreating and dealing with it on his own. (Maybe this is just him and not typically male? If so, I apologise to the male population out there - feel free to correct me) This has happened before. I understand the need for some head space, for some time to get to grips with things on one's own, but leaving the person you say you love completely in the dark, so that they have to psychically deduce what's going on, just ain't cool. A problem shared is often a problem halved, that's all I'm saying. I am leaving him to it.
   
   
6. I caught up on my sleep, more or less. I tend to sleep late, even when I desperately need to sleep early and have been waking up mid-morning, which I know I shouldn't get used to. But I know I should enjoy the luxury of laziness while I can, as next week I have a serious to-do list and will need to be productive way beyond my usual, admittedly pitiful, capacity.
   
   
7. I made plans for New Year's Eve with the Mrs. We realised that in 11 years we have never spent new year together. We were both feeling a little bit 'bah humbug' and thought we may as well be that way together! I am trekking up to her neck of the woods and we are going to celebrate, the two of us, as only we know how.
   
   
8. I got a text on Christmas day from my ex-boyfriend's mum. I love her, she is a really lovely lady and I miss her quite a lot. I felt a little sad as I texted her back, but am glad that she still keeps in touch, even if it is only once or twice a year.
   
   
9. I used the phrase, "You're ruining/You've ruined Christmas!!!" a lot. Example: "Oh no, I've spilt some of my tea on the table." "You're ruining Christmas!!!" I have a strange sense of humour.
   
   
10. I watched the part of Jesus of Nazareth that covers the events leading up to Jesus' birth with Big Sis. Here is part one, if you fancy a watch (I think we watched up to part six or seven):
    
    
    
    
11. I've managed to shake off my mood of misery somewhat. I've had my little self-indulgent wallow in self-pity (of myself, lol. If this joke makes no sense to you, see point #57 here) and am going to get on with stuff. OK, so give it a few days and I might be feeling miserable again, but for now, life is good.
    
    
12. I watched Jamie Oliver's Jamie At Home Christmas special, where he makes his own variation on mince pies. His friend and mentor, the Italian chef Gennaro Contaldo, suggests that along with the Christmas spices used (cinnamon, nutmeg, etc.) the pastries would taste better with a touch of black pepper. Jamie disagrees, but concedes to make one pastry with black pepper for Gennaro's sake. When Gennaro's back is turned, Jamie adds a very generous helping of black pepper, garnishing it with some orange peel to distinguish it from the others. Here's the part where the pastries come out of the oven. Watch Jamie's pitiful attempt to keep a straight face, while Gennaro tucks in. I have watched this so many times now and still crack up at Jamie's laugh. Unfortunately, embedding was disabled, but you can catch it on youtube here (skip to 1:45 if you just want to see that the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or you can view part 5/6 first if you want to see the full lead-up. The mince pies recipe starts at about 4:45). "Is it nice?" :o)
    

This month has disappeared quicker than I ever anticipated. 2009 swiftly beckons. I hope your past week has been suitably festive, peaceful, enjoyable and happy.

Friday Fill-In #14

1. I must fulfil a meaningful purpose for my life before I die.

2. You can't stop someone from making stupid decisions, as much as you wish you could.

3. I wish I never had to buy stupid things I don't need again, but I still haven't got the hang of resistance to shopping.

4. Imagination, reliance on God and a whole lot of faith will has helped me change my life.

5. I know the so many songs by heart, because we like to sing without the sheet music as much as possible.

6. If I weren't so afraid, I would take the plunge and say enough is enough.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being at home with the fam after a couple of hours of food shopping, tomorrow my plans include catching up with some of the church fam I've not seen for a few weeks and having them over for lunch and Sunday, I want to enjoy having the house to myself for a bit, so I can get some things done!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

The Ghost of Christmas Past

This time last year, I was miserable. I had been dealing with a difficult situation in the weeks leading up to Christmas. A couple of days before Christmas, another situation arose which compounded the problem and when the actual day arrived, things still weren't completely resolved. I remember feeling incredibly trapped and getting increasingly more bored, frustrated and depressed. I felt like lashing out at those around me and my spirit was as un-Christmassy as you can get. This year, things aren't quite that bad. But there are a few small similarities in my situation that have given me a feeling reminiscent of last year. My very own ghost of Christmas past.

I am finding it quite hard to shake the feeling of sort-of-sadness and disappointment. The thing is, I do like Christmas. I have much to be thankful for and I know that those things should be foremost in my mind. I have a good family and we enjoyed a low-key, fairly austere late lunch together - the 'rents, Big Sis and Bro-in-law and me. Big Sis and I had volunteered to cook. We didn't do anything particularly special and kept it fairly simple, so there wasn't a huge amount of work to do. I prepared most of the veggies (washing, peeling, cutting, chopping), amidst lots of unsolicited advice from the 'rents ("you should have let me peel the potatoes," "how are you going to cook those?" "I usually cut the ends off the carrots before peeling them," etc.), but Big Sis did most of the actual cooking. I managed to narrowly escape mild concussion as I opened the cooker hood so the fan could get rid of some of the steam, only for it to come off its hinges and fall towards my face. Thankfully, I managed to catch it and hold it clear of me, despite its weight. Those bicep curls at the gym have paid off, finally. :o) I was then left unattended in the kitchen temporarily as Big Sis went to have a shower, and in that short time managed to burn both the gravy and the tips of two of my fingers. Other than all that (lol), the lunch was a success.

We didn't really do presents this year. None of us really need any of the knick-knacks we would no doubt have bought each other and we are all trying to save money. Big Sis got a little gift from Bro-in-Law and I got my Dad a CD of an old record he'd had and made mention of while he was in hospital. Dad got the three of us a traditional Terry's Chocolate Orange each. It was actually nice not having the big fuss of presents and the like. We spent a quiet day in relative contentment. We were together, we had a warm, cosy abode to dwell in and an abundance of food, all enjoying good health. We watched Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit and the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

Bigger Sis doesn't 'do' Christmas. She tends to hole up on her own on Christmas day and watch her favourite DVDs. She even threatened to cycle into work today, as she has a paper she needs to get finished in good time to circulate before a meeting in early January. Her reasoning was that this way, the office would be quiet, she would get loads of work done and then could enjoy the rest of her time off without worrying about the impending meeting. Previously, while I respected her feeling on this, I didn't always understand it. As I get a bit older, I am really understanding where she is coming from. I find that occasions like this can be a huge disappointment when they don't live up to the perpetuated ideal. Who says you have to conform? I like the fact that she does her own thing rather than comply with something just because everyone else does. It's not like it's something she believes in, anyway.

Late this evening, I had a chat with one of my friends and we aired out a few things that we were both feeling. It was nice to catch up with her and update each other on the goings-on of the past week. All in all, it has been quite a nice day. I didn't expect much, so I suppose there was less chance for disappointment. But I didn't hear from the Boy. For everything good that happened, that still seems to cancel out a whole lot. I know I shouldn't place such significance on such things, but it's hard pretending I don't care. The closer it gets, I am doubting his January visit will happen. I still can't shake this feeling off: the feeling that I am in no better a place than I was this time last year, that I still have the same problems, that I am about to embark on a new year no further along my journey in any discernible way. I am still haunted by my ghost of Christmas past.

Miss-mas

Christmas is an odd time of year. There’s something about this holiday season that on the one hand, makes everything seem hopeful, makes us feel warm inside and encourages us to be more cordial to each other. But on the other hand, it can highlight all the things we are missing, whether because they are absent, inadequate, or things we just didn't have in the first place. It seems to bring out the best in some people and situations, but in others the worst. Why bad things seem worse and good things seem even better at Christmas, I don't know.

I am definitely not going to miss work for the week and a half I will be away from it. I will miss my workmates. The Mrs. and I are both missing loved ones, so much that we are already counting down the days until we get to see them in January. I am overcome with empathy at a decision she is wrestling with. I have fleeting thoughts of an old flame, of sadness at the fact that at times I wish we could be in each other's lives, while knowing that right now it is best that we are not. I am sad that one of my friends will not be taking the long country break she had planned with her boyfriend, because she will be caring for her mentally-ill mother over Christmas, while her father recovers from heart failure in hospital. I am concerned about my friend who will be seeing her absent father over the holiday period, only for him to leave for the other side of the world again in the new year. I am worried about her brother, who is back on drugs and drink, when he has a condition that is severely worsened by such things. I am thinking of an old friend who is trying to come to terms with infidelity and is struggling to cope with the discovery. I was alarmed to find out a friend I had been praying for daily a few months back has been taken into hospital, and then felt ashamed that I have not been praying for her recently, as I knew I should have been. I am thinking of my Boy, who is working long hours in a job he was lucky to keep amidst redundancies. I am missing him and desperately hoping that his plans to visit in January will not fall through. I am trying not to think of the mounting bills I have and the lack of funds with which to pay them. I get choked every evening, when I hear Christmas carols being sung at Victoria train station by groups raising money for charity.

On the other hand, I filled with thoughts of love and gratitude for everything I am blessed enough to have and for all the people I have in my life. I am still warmed by memories of the past weekend, when I had an early 'Christmas' dinner with my fam - Mum, Dad, Big Sis, Bro-in-law, and Bigger Sis, who doesn't 'do' Christmas. She came down to my parents' in a cab, armed with a four-course meal, consisting of wild mushroom soup (minestrone for Dad); a shepherds' pie made with Moroccan-style spiced lamb and beef, pine nuts, multicoloured raisins and sultanas and topped with the most perfect mashed potato; the finest chocolate mousse cake, topped with fruit, from Patisserie Valerie; then to finish, cheese with crackers: yummy brie, wensleydale with cranberries, cheshire, french roule and goat's cheese. I laughed at how silly we all are and how lucky I am that we all get on fairly well and actually enjoy spending time together, even if it doesn't happen like this all that often. I had a lovely time at our local carol service that we were invited to sing at by the vicar from the Church of England, whose hall we rent for our own church. We sang two new songs we had only learnt the week before. It took considerable effort to maintain enough breath to sing properly after all that food. Seriously. I did, however, manage to force down a homemade mince pie and some non-alcoholic mulled wine afterwards. We talked with our Latvian friends who I haven't seen for maybe six weeks. I had forgotten just how fond of them I am and realised that I had really missed them.

I am missing lots of people and things and situations at the moment, some in good ways, some in nostalgic ways, some in painful, rueful or yearnful ways and some in just good old-fashioned "wish you were here" kind of ways. But, clichéd as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's as the end of the year approaches that I am feeling more retrospective, but everything that happened this year, the good, the bad and even the ugly, I would not have missed for the world.

Friday Fill-In #13

It's a Christmas Friday Fill-in!

1. Said the night wind to the little lamb, drop it like it's hot.
2. The first Noel, the angel did say, was the best Noel, and everybody knows it.
3. Go! Tell it on the mountain , Over the hills and everywhere. [This song reminds me of my Mum.]
4. It came upon the midnight clear, that glorrrrious song of old.
5. Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Let your heart be light. [That's one of my favourite non-carol Christmas songs.]
6. And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing when you ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a hot shower and a nice quiet dinner with the fam, tomorrow my plans include having Christmas lunch with my church fam and Sunday, I want to enjoy an early Christmas family gathering with Bigger Sis and then sing in the carol service with our friends from All Saints'!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

The Product of My Weekend

Inspired by a weekend of music telly, me and the Mrs. recorded our own version of 'Run', a song originally by Scottish band Snow Patrol, but sung in the style of Leona Lewis' recent cover version.



I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

In the Wrong Career

My darling best friend lives a good hour and a half's travel away from me. That might seem like nothing to those of you who don't live on a relatively small island, but for me, that is quite a distance from someone I like to see quite regularly. As a result, whenever I visit, it's always an overnight trip, just to make the (epic) journey worthwhile. :o) This particular weekend, I took Monday off work so that I could stay Saturday and Sunday night. We had the X-Factor final to watch, Chinese takeaway to eat, home-made apple crumble and double cream to savour and lots of talking to do.
___________________________________________________________

My train ticket doesn't cover me for the station near my parents' house, so I had to stop at the ticket office to get an extension on it. After queuing for a few minutes, the red light flashed a digit and I was instructed to "go to cashier number 1." Ticket office staff are a bit hit-and-miss. Some of them are lovely. Others, on the other hand, seem to have a deep-seated hatred for people and make me question my faith in humanity. I get to desk 1 and am greeted by a serious-looking black guy in his late 30s with chin to shoulder-length dreds and a Santa hat.

Showing him my ticket, I said, "Hi. I have a 1-3 travelcard, but I need to get a single ticket to London Bridge, please."

In a cracking Brummie accent he replied, "That's going to cost you extra I'm afraid, it's called a boundary extension and it will be £44." Completely straight-faced, not even cracking a smile.

For a nanosecond I believed him, until I remembered that the ticket should cost about £1.60. Doing my best impression of incredulity, I said, "£44??"

"Well, it's Christmas and I'm poor you see, and the kids need new shoes."

By now, his deadpan replies are cracking me up. I am worried I am going to be late and I just want a single ticket for the train that leaves in 2 minutes. But I am unable to keep a straight face. Laughing, I tell him, "I could buy them new shoes for less than £44!"

"I think you need to take me shopping! Oh come on, don't laugh, Mrs. Ebenezer! Single?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Me too." By now, I am just openly laughing out loud. "Oh come on, don't laugh. That's £1.30. Come on, give me your money." I hand over a tenner. He gives me the ticket and my change.

"If you see a black man in a Christmas hat, begging in the street, that'll be me!"

I am still laughing, so much that I can't even manage a witty reply, or indeed any reply at all.

"Oh don't laugh, I'll remember that."

"Have a good Christmas," I manage to say as I go to leave, still chuckling.

"Oh I'll try!"

I smile the whole train journey.

__________________________________________________________

Getting there, time was tight. I had to be at Liverpool Street station for 5.00pm. I am notorious for always running a tiny bit late. I'm not proud of it. I am also adamant that Claire exaggerates my lateness for dramatic effect whenever re-telling a story. She once said she got halfway through a film at the cinema on her own before I arrived. The true version of events was that because I was running late, she went in ahead of me to get seats. I got there during the trailers. Honest, guv'nor! Anyway, I digress. Originally I was told 5.15pm. Claire's mum wanted to watch Strictly Come Dancing at 6pm and wasn't leaving the house to collect us from the station once it had started. Fair enough. I'd have to leave my parents' house at 4pm. But the evening before, I couldn't remember what time we had agreed. I sent a text to confirm.

Me: What time are we meeting tomorrow? 5.15 or 6.15? Crucial difference!

Claire: 5.15. That's a Filipino time difference!

Me: True. But I'm a half-breed, so let's split the difference and I'll see you at 5.45?

We made it 5pm in the end. I was there at 5.03pm. Claire was impressed. There were supposed to be engineering works on the train line we needed, hence her meeting me at the station so we could take another route. We find the works have been cancelled. We go to the ticket office so I can get another extension ticket. I am used to my script by now.

"Hi. I have a 1-3 travelcard but I need a single extension to Harold Wood, please."

The guy at the ticket office is mid-40s, Indian and seems to be amused by me. At first I think it is me flashing my ticket and reeling off my request, but then he says, "Harold Wood? Why do you want to go to Harold Wood? There's nothing there!"

Claire is right next to me. I immediately point to her and say, "My friend lives there, thank you very much!"

"Oh. OK, other than your friend. There's nothing there."

We smile. I can't even think of a reply. I don't even know what is in Harold Wood. I only come to the back end of nowhere because Claire lives there. She is impressed by my loyal defense of it, even though she is the first to cuss my hood. Actually, so am I. We leave the ticket office, laughing at the notion that travelling to such a place was incomprehensible to him. These comedic station staff are clearly in the wrong career. They should be out there, entertaining people, making them laugh. Hmm, maybe they're in the right place after all.

Friday Fill-In #12

1. Friends are the family that you get to choose for yourself.

2. I am thankful for my and my family's good health; it's something that all the money in the world can't buy.

3. I'm ready for my close up. Actually, no I'm not, I currently have a huge spot on my chin. Begone, evil blemish!

4. The lovely smell of clean babies (like the cutest, quietest baby, my friend's son Joshua) is one of my favorite perfumes or aftershaves or smells.

5. The oldest ornament I have is probably older than me. I think it may be one of the African wood or ivory carvings my Dad has.

6. Take some chopped strawberries, pureed strawberries, crushed meringues and thick whipped cream, mix it all together and you have Eton Mess.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to practising some Christmas songs with my Mum and Sis, tomorrow my plans include singing 'Mary Did You Know?' at church and then going to Claire's house for our X-Factor Final sleepover extravaganza and Sunday, I want to record a duet with Claire so she can post it on youtube!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

One Of Those Days

5.00pm, we went to the gym.
Running late, feeling tired.
No sports bra! I knew I forgot something. Damn. Push-up bra it is.
Got ready, stuffed everything into a locker just to find the lock didn't work.
New locker. Enter pin. Not sure I entered it properly, but it locks.
Treadmill, 30 minutes.
Sweating like a biatch!
Doing weights with slightly unshaven armpits. Nice. There are guys opposite.
Back to changing room.
Get my stuff, jump into the shower.
Spend ages in there, in a daze.
Exit, try to open locker. Fail.
Try to open locker. Fail.
Try to open locker. Fail.
Red light flashing. Locker is locked.
In a towel. Wet. Blind. My glasses are in the locker.
Tell the Mrs (my work Mrs). Have to shout, as she is still in the shower. Most of the changing room hears. She laughs at me.
Feel completely paralysed without glasses. Am too tired for this. Sit down for a while. Go to the toilet to waste a bit more time.
Consider staying the night. At least I'll be early for work.
The Mrs comes out of the shower. We giggle in tired resignation.
Sneak up to the changing room door. Luckily there is a staff member outside having a chat. Male. Eek.
I lean around the door, trying not to lose the towel and gain more shame.
Help! "I've locked my..." "Locker?" He laughs. Will radio down.
Guy comes up. Into changing room. The other girls stare. Yes, sorry, it was me.
"Which one?" I point. He does the special code.
Locker opens. My underwear is there, in full view. Shame.
Get dressed. Already virtually dry from having sat in my towel for 10 minutes.
Bra is soaked with sweat from my run. Eew.
Go bra-less. Feel weird.
Leave. See bus driving past as I approach the main road. Always happens. Always happens.
Shake my fist, like some 50s throwback.
Resign to waiting 20 minutes. Another comes! Bye Mrs. I run. No energy. Bus passes.
Resign to waiting more than 20 minutes. Decide to walk to keep warm. Get to next stop. Nothing in sight, keep walking. Another passes me! Just my luck. Run, but get to stop seconds too late.
Third time lucky.
Put my tunes on. Am at the station in 15 minutes.
Wander aimlessly around station when I get there. Indecisive about food.
Decide on a bagel. Smile at bagel man. Salt beef, please. 40p extra for pickles! Salt beef ain't nothin' without pickles! That biz should come as standard!
2 minutes till next train. Decide to miss it, don't want to run again.
Platform takes an age to come up. Wolf down most of bagel.
Go get hot chocolate. Smile at barista. He asks if he can tempt me with food. He laughs when I am unable to answer "no" with my mouth full of bagel.
Platform up. Run for train. Have three bags, plus bagel in one hand, drink in other. How to hold ticket?
Get on train. Drop bag. Spill a little hot chocolate. Finish last bite of bagel.
Get home. Just miss stepping in a massive pile of poo near home! Lucky...
Drop off stuff. Get undressed. Get in bed.
My boy calls. Feel all warm inside. Am sad he is under threat of redundancy. Feel bad I am hard on him sometimes. Want him to be here.
Early night. Ish. Try and wind down. Thinking about my boy. Aching. Have run more today than in the past two weeks.
Tired! Lights out. Night night.

Wordle

There are a few words and thoughts swimming around my head. I'm unable to collect them into any discernable order at the moment. So I put them into Wordle and made a pretty word picture out of them instead:




Create your own at http://www.wordle.net/

The Fortress

You rebuilt the wall.
It took some time, but now it's done,
More or less.
But you're under attack
From the one who should defend you;
Misguided protection of the worst kind.
In he comes, on horseback,
All guns blazing, shooting from the hip;
He will save you, nothing to fear.
But you are not the princess,
You are not locked in the tower.
You are the tower, this fortress, the moat and its drawbridge;
All of this is you.
He tears down the defenses, not realising
He is tearing down a part of you.
Each time he returns is another time
He will destroy,
So you can rebuild.
Carefully repairing each breach, through the tears
Of your frustration.
Each new set of stones, each new foundation,
Each new joint and joist
Will be stronger this time around.
And when he next appears, on his mission of rescue
It will be harder to get past the guards,
Although you know he will.
But one day this citadel will be impenetrable,
Impervious, solid.
He will no longer be able to get in.
But maybe, you will not be able
To get out.

The Best Policy...?

I've been 'fessing up a lot lately. Not in the sense that I have done things behind someone's back, or have hidden crucial information from someone who had a right to know, or even that I bent the truth a little and wanted to finally come clean. No, I have been 'fessing up about me. Over the past month or so, I have revealed a few things about myself to people who are close to me: things that no-one else really knew or would even have suspected, things that perhaps they might have guessed but I hadn't admitted aloud, things that I have kept inside because I was too scared to say and things that I have only just discovered myself. I've always deemed it important to be honest, but at the same time, I'm not a person who wears every single bit of her heart on her sleeve. I am emotionally open to a point, but I do like to keep a little in reserve. As a self-defence mechanism I think it works pretty well, until, you know, it becomes a little detrimental.

Sometimes, holding back for no other reason than because you feel a little safer in doing so, doesn't make you safer at all. You may avoid that feeling of complete vulnerablility that comes as a result of opening up, but it's an odd little fortress you build when you start constructing walls around pieces of your heart. Lately I have felt a little embarassed or exposed after letting loose with personal confession. But to be honest, I have also felt a sense of relief. I am starting to believe that to be rejected because of exactly who I am is preferable to being accepted for being someone I am not.

I've put some pretty shoddy construction around my emotions over the years. It's been a difficult realisation that papering over the cracks just ain't gonna cut it anymore. Breaking down the barriers and reconstructing what lies beneath can be a slow and painful process. But until I accept my own imperfections, I can't really ever be fully open to allow another person to accept them. It's that old cliché that one cannot truly love or be loved until one learns to love one's self. I have decided that I am no longer going to be afraid of who I am. I have lots to work on, but at least I am aware of that. I am not going to be eaten up with insecurity. So what if letting my guard down makes me vulnerable? Some of the most fulfilling life experiences come as a result of risk-taking. There is always the possibility of failure, of not meeting expectations, of being hurt. But therein also comes the potential opportunity for success, for exceeding expectations, for being loved.

I am no longer running away. I am running towards something.

The Week in Review #4

This week was OK. I have the usual sense of relief, fatigue and confusion now that it's over. What did I get up to?

In summary, this week:

1. I got my hair did, care of my Mama, real poodle-tastic like. True to form, I was alarmed for approximately two days, sort of amused at my Sideshow Bob impression and am now happy the bitchin' hair is back. It has calmed down a tad.
2. I learned that unless you effectively communicate things within any relationship, you can sometimes think you are on the same page, only to find that you are actually reading from different books.
   
3. My Dad got discharged from hospital, two weeks after his hip replacement. They kept him in longer than we anticipated, but he is much better now, has his appetite back, is getting about on crutches and happy to be home.
4. I met up with my girl for an impromptu hot chocolate. She was having a bad few days and needed a chat. I was only too happy to oblige, not least because she has met me at the drop of the hat on more than one occasion, when I was on the verge of tears and in need of a hug! We spoke the evening away and both felt better afterwards. We of course found a moment or two to speak in silly accents and have a giggle about something amusingly stupid.
5. I had something pointed out to me by an objective observer that deep down I already knew, but hearing out loud from an outsider shocked and upset me to my core.
6. I learned that sometimes, history with another person doesn't make it necessary that you also share a future.
7. I got on a high horse a little and expressed some frank observations to a few people.
   
8. I met up for drinks and dinner with my old workmates and had a really nice evening. We laughed until all four of us were crying, throats were hurting, snorting occurred and bellies were doubled up.
9. I was a little shocked by some revelations I discovered about a few people, then had to reel in my opinions a little and not be such a judgey-pants.
10. I realised that if you decide to ask a question, you have to be prepared for the fact that the answer may not be what you wanted to hear.
    

An eventful week in some respects, a few lessons learned, as always. In three weeks' time I will be reviewing the week of Christmas!!! Then it will be time for the Year in Review...eek...

Friday Fill-In #11

1. Snowmen don't last very long because there aren't enough snowwomen around.

2. I'm looking forward to my X-Factor cuss-fest sleepover with The Mrs, my work Christmas lunch, Carol concerts, my non-Christmas family gathering, my Christmas family gathering, two weeks off work and my Boy's January visit (quite a lot there, I know)!

3. A really well-thought-out gift from someone who has taken the time to get to know you is the best kind of present ever!

4. One of my favorite old tv shows is Desmond's. To be honest, I haven't watched it since back in the day, so it may not have aged well, but I have really fond memories of it.

5. I'm done with feeling guilty for cutting a certain person out of my life.

6. The most enjoyable thing around the holidays is the prettiness of all the lights and decorations and the fact that people are (marginally!) nicer to each other than the rest of the year.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chillin' like a villain, tomorrow my plans include singing at our church and then being with my Dad at home and Sunday, I want to get budgeting, make some present lists and do that washing up that is severely overdue (gangsta)!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

In My Quest...

I got an email at work the other day, which started with the salutation:

"Greetings and well wishes in your quest to supporting the world."

Why thank you, you lofty herald of praise. OK, so the email was sent to several people; the sender was trying to get funding so was probably being extra nice and it was technically sent to my old supervisor, whose emails are now forwarded to my address, but I will take that greeting as directed specifically at me, lol. I hadn't really much considered my life of administration to be a "quest," much less one that is "supporting the world." But I think it's quite a nice way to see life.

What I did I do today to help "support the world?" I know it sounds cheesy, but if everyone tried to think this way now and then, instead of the selfish, uncharitable attitude that so many seem to have nowadays, maybe we'd get somewhere. Somewhere nicer, safer, more pleasant. It wouldn't have to be much, just something that makes your environment (physical, emotional, etc.) that little bit better. A small act like taking your litter with you, or using a bin (yes! A bin!) instead of throwing it in the street; letting someone on the bus ahead of you instead of barging past them in a bid to get on first; being patient when someone at work is having a bad day; cutting someone some slack instead of writing them off.

It's not that difficult. Treat others as you'd like them to treat you. None of us exists completely independently of anyone else. We still haven't learnt, after thousands of years, but you have to start somewhere, right? Just a thought.

Anyway, must dash. I have a quest to be getting on with...

100 things

Here are 100 things about me. I've been meaning to do one of these posts for ages. I've heard of people doing such a thing before. Apparently, it's quite the rage and rather enjoyable to participate in. Yeah, whatever, I was bored. Here goes!

1. I'm a girl. But I don't like to admit it sometimes. :o)
2. I live in the People's Republic of Londonia.
3. Generally, I think of myself as a city girl. But then I go on holiday to the middle of nowhere and feel like the country is the place to be.
4. For example, when I visit my Dad's home county in the north of England and see green hills, heather and sheep, I feel homesick.
5. You'll find I often contradict myself.
6. I can often see both sides to any argument, which can be infuriating.
   
7. On the whole, I don't much like fish. To eat. If they're alive, I'm slightly more fond of them.
   
8. I had a pet cat for 14 years and only realised about a year after she died that I'm slightly allergic to cats.
9. I find trees in full blossom during Springtime impossibly beautiful. I love magnolia trees. Spring is probably my favourite season.
   
10. But I do also quite like Winter.
11. And the Summer.
12. But Autumn is pretty cool, too.
13. I am somewhat indecisive.
14. But when I really love or hate something, I really do. Until I change my mind.
15. I think my patience is one of my best characteristics.
16. But to be honest, when I'm hungry or sleep-deprived, forget about it.
17. I enjoy my food.
18. There is always room for dessert. Even if I have to wait an hour for the main course to digest. Cheesecake, Tiramisu, Banoffee Pie...I could go on.
    
19. I will have phases of healthier eating, but I don't do diets. If I really want to eat something, I eat it. Done.
20. I'm not a natural carnivore. I generally like meat when it doesn't much remind me that it came from an animal. I am aiming for vegetarianism, but am currently managing to just eat less meat, with very little (if any) red meat.
21. Loyalty is very important to me. I hadn't realised I felt so strongly about this until relatively recently.
22. My family is a little crazy, but fantastic.
23. I am the youngest of my Dad's four children and my Mum's two.
24. I grew up with Big Sis. I also see a lot of Bigger Sis. Brother lives overseas.
    
25. I have a mixed heritage. I therefore like to refer to myself as a 'halfbreed.' This doesn't mean you're allowed to, though. :o)
    
26. I consider myself to be British. But I'm not passionately patriotic.
    
27. I am really quite girlie in some ways (emotional, sensitive, moody, giggly, etc.) but can be quite masculine about some things (blunt, practical, uncouth, messy, etc.) These are all stereotypical characteristics, you understand.
28. I am quite traditional in some ways. I think men and women (generally) have particular roles to which they are more suited, but should not be limited to. Each person is different.
    
29. I am relatively comfortable with who I am/what I look like, but I still poke fun at myself to cover my insecurities.
30. A sense of humour is something I find really attractive in a man. I do like comedic banter.
31. I go for personality over looks every time. But I won't lie, to have both would of course be perfect.
    
32. I do try to see the best in people, but am still quite sarcastic and cynical when I want to be.
33. That said, I am an optimist deep down. I just live in a pessimist's body.
34. I've had the same best friend, Claire (aka 'The Mrs.') for 11 years. She has been through so much in that time and is still standing. She rocks.
35. In the time we have been friends she has moved about 6 times. She lives further away from me than I think we'd both like.
    
36. I have a few other close friends. They are very special to me. It's definitely a case of quality over quantity.
37. I do wonder sometimes, however, if I missed out by not being part of a big crowd of friends at school. I suspect not.
38. I wear glasses and at times it really annoys me. I don't mind contact lenses and do wear them. But if I had the money I'd get my eyes corrected with microsurgery. Not laser surgery.
39. I'm not a fan of Facebook. People keep trying to persuade me to join. I have managed to resist thus far. I am tempted to relent, though. But now it's more about the fact that I said I'd never join.
    
40. I am annoyingly stubborn.
41. Mornings aren't really my best time of day.
    
42. I am somewhat a night owl. I am writing this at 1.45am when I have work in the morning.
43. I like to write song lyrics and poems. I find it cathartic. The same goes for blog writing.
    
44. At times, however, I do feel that this blog writing is a little self-indulgent.
45. Holidays are really important to me. I was privileged to have travelled to a large number of countries relatively early in life, before extensive foreign travel and taking a 'gap year' became trendy.
46. I still have a lot of places I want to visit, including South America, Zambia, South Africa, most of Asia, Australia and New Zealand.
47. Laziness is probably my worst characteristic.
48. I'd like to change this, but funnily enough, I'm too lazy to. I could probably have achieved great things by now, if I'd made the effort.
    
49. Sunsets are one of my favourite things in the world. I love a good pink sky.
50. I still have the baby blanket I've had since birth. I still sleep with it when it's cold at night.
51. My Mum takes an unnatural amount of photos for any given occasion. It used to annoy me. I now find I do exactly the same thing, but I love having so many pics to look through after a special occasion or holiday and being able to choose the very best ones.
52. I thought 100 things would be easy, but I'm only just past 50 and I'm starting to run out of ideas.
53. I would love a change in career. I don't think my line of admin can be classed as a 'career' in any case. I would love to do something that involves some element of creativity.
54. I love British humour. I love the deadpan sarcasm and downright silliness of it.
    
55. The IT Crowd rocks my socks (probably doesn't count as British though, since Graham Linehan is Irish). Richard Ayoade, who plays Moss, lives nearby me. At least he did, perhaps he's moved out of the ghetto (lol) now he's a bit more famous.
56. Womens' magazines get on my nerves. I used to read them a lot until I realised how indoctrinated they had made me. But I will have a flick-through, occasionally.
    
57. When someone uses the word 'self' unecessarily, ala Austin Powers ("Allow myself to introduce....myself") it never fails to crack me up. I really have to bite my lip not to say something. Sometimes I really do have to self-regulate myself, hahaha.
    
58. When it comes to hair, the look I go for is 'crazy bush woman.'
59. I like to take relatively good care of my appearance, but I am pretty low-maintenance.
    
60. I am in love with a guy who lives overseas.
    
61. We are (hopefully) meeting in January. I am a little nervous, in the best possible way.
62. My iPod has more memory than my laptop's hard disk drive. This machine is so archaic, I'd like a refund on the life minutes I have lost while waiting for it to load/download/shut down.
63. I wish I had a rich uncle who would buy me a new one.
    
64. And pay for the aforementioned eye surgery.
65. And pay off my debts.
66. And buy me some new clothes.
67. My wardrobe, however, has reached epic proportions and must be stopped. I love clothes and style, but when it comes down to it, I always end up erring slightly on the side of practical over beautiful, comfort over style. Might be something to do with #46.
68. I generally like things to be simple, involving as little effort as possible.
69. I quite like exercise, but I dislike team sports. I don't think I'm very good at them, so I tend to avoid them. I don't like to look silly.
70. Random and unexpected acts of kindness are not forgotten.
71. I am a Christian. I have strong beliefs and believe in high standards, but am well aware I am far short of them.
72. People who are narrow-minded and hate-filled but claim to be Christian really upset me.
73. I have never been on a proper date. I think this needs to change! Haha!
74. Hugs rock. I really like a nice big hug. But generally only from someone I know or like, obviously.
75. Big, bitchin' hair does it for me. I think curly hair is gorgeous. I've nothing against straight hair, though.
    
76. I'm not completely convinced that men and women can just be friends. I'm sure they can be in some circumstances, but I'm always suspicious of it. I know that's a little sad.
77. Girls can be rather bitchy and that gets to me. But I think most of it traces back to personal insecurity and awkwardness around each other. I find that using compliments or being self-deprecating usually works in getting girls on side. Shameful, but true.
78. On that subject, flattery works on me more than I'd like to admit.
79. Music is a big part of my life. I love to sing.
80. I would love to sing live in front of a large audience, just once.
81. But I get incredibly nervous, even if I don't feel it mentally. My body just seems to react involuntarily.
82. This is also the case with blood tests. I've realised I just don't like them; as much as I convince myself otherwise, my body just does not enjoy them.
83. I once fainted after seeing a real-life video on a mobile phone of a girl getting beaten up. I've learnt my lesson now with watching anything that I think will upset me and don't let my curiosity get the better of me.
    
84. I'm a bit of a spendthrift. I will have some savings one day. Honest.
85. Pretty things attract me.
86. If I'm not woken by something, I can sleep for an unnatural amount of time.
87. My bed is one of my favourite places to be.
88. I love London; the architecture is beautiful. I never fail to get enchanted by it.
89. Bright colours make me happy.
90. Tea can solve any problem. Or at least can pick me up slightly until I work out a solution. My favourites are regular black (English breakfast) tea, redbush (rooibos) tea, chai tea (latte from Starbucks) and peppermint tea (if made with fresh mint leaves and sugar, like they do in Turkish restaurant Tas).
91. Talking is not one of my weak points. I probably do it more than I should do.
92. Are you still reading this? Perseverance is something I admire.
93. Deep down, I have an adventurous spirit. I just haven't had the balls to do something incredibly adventurous yet.
94. Laughter really is the best medicine.
    
95. I really don't like moths. *shudder* I don't see the point of them, hate the ones with fat bodies and the fact that they turn into eye-shadow when you squish them. I kinda feel yukky talking about them.
96. I like to make silly gesticulations, like stroking my pretend beard when pondering and drumming my fingers on my lips when making important decisions.
    
97. If you type 'google' into Google, you can literally break the internet.
98. I just said that to use up a number. I quite like saying random things that baffle people.
99. Talking in random accents brings me much enjoyment. I also like embellishing words, like saying "shoccalatte" instead of "chocolate," adding the suffix '-atron' to words (e.g. "suffixatron") and making words sound French or Spanish for no good reason (e.g. you know "celebration" doesn't sound quite as good as "cele-bray-shio-nes"). I indulge in all four of these things with my friend Lisa quite often.
    
100. I quite like round numbers. Not to an anal obsessive-compulsive level. But I'm glad I got to an even 100.

The end!