Saturday Sluggishness

So, as if you hadn't already guessed, my plans to get up early on Saturday morning and meet the fam at church didn't quite pull through. My alarm went off but my body couldn't quite get it together. To be honest, my mind wasn't much help either. Samson and I chilled in bed for a while, slipping in and out of sleep and kiss-sprinkled conversation.

Sometime mid-morning, Samson's phone rang. It was Gannet. "What happened last night??!" Gannet asked. "I'm not sure," replied Samson, "We tried to get him to leave with us, but he was going to stay another 20 minutes. We left at about 2am." They spoke for a while and from the side of the conversation I could hear, things didn't sound good. Samson said they'd speak later and said goodbye. It turned out that not long after we had left him, Shoulders had got into an altercation with someone and had ended up getting arrested. We sat in slightly stunned silence for a while, not quite sure what to say. I just hoped things would work out okay for him so that he could still make his flight on Thursday.

A bit later, Paxton mentioned that he was making breakfast and would we like some? Since I don't eat bacon and everyone else was having bacon sarnies, he made me tomatoes and cheese on toast instead. Once again, I felt bad at making things more awkward for people and would have been grateful for just a regular bit of toast, but Samson assured me that Paxton secretly enjoyed showing his culinary skills off in front of his girlfriend, who was over for the weekend. I stayed in bed and tried to get up and dressed, but it wasn't really working. I was feeling a little bit weird, sort of low and a little bit detached. I knew that the 'rents would be wondering what had happened to me and why I hadn't gone to theirs for only the second weekend probably in a couple of years. I was enjoying being there, but had an odd internal conflict of a slight discontentment with everything else, despite knowing that I wanted to be there and wouldn't rather have been anywhere else at that moment. I texted the Mrs for some moral support, feeling a little bit agitated and knowing that being off my meds for a few days was probably not helping. She gave me some reassurance, helped me to calm down a little and reminded me that things are always a little bit crazy in the early stages of a relationship, because your emotions are so highly strung. I felt a little better, but still felt a bit numb, so lay in bed blankly, while a few tears escaped my eyes. I wasn't sure if I wanted Samson to return to his room to see me like that, but it didn't matter. I knew I would feel better when he came back anyway. Soon, he had returned with breakfast and a cup of tea for us each and we sat in bed contentedly eating, feeling very chilled out.

After eating I felt no better able to get up and ended up falling asleep again while Samson went to have a shower and get dressed. I was in and out of consciousness for most of the day, him chilling out with me at times, then popping out later to go to the shop for some salad bits for dinner and, as I discovered later, a quick pint with his house mate. Eventually I dragged my sorry self out of bed, feeling really groggy and not quite as perky as I would have liked, but at least I was finally awake, albeit at a shocking 8.00pm. Samson had made a start on making us some dinner, so I got dressed and we went to chill out in the living room with Paxton and his girlfriend LucyLiu. I was greeted by a cheeky "Morning!" from Paxton, which made me laugh. I went over to shake Lucy's hand, immediately struck by how intimidatingly gorgeous she was. Having spent all day in bed, I was feeling a little bit worse for wear and quite the scruff by comparison. We chatted while watching some TV in the background. As our jacket potatoes slowly cooked, Samson and I went to prepare some salad to go with them. I felt conscious that due to my epic day's sleep they might think I was some sort of lazy arse, and realised that as much as I don't care about others' opinions on some things, there are certain things about which I seem to be very conscious of what people think. However, for all my internal conflicts and anxiety, the evening ended up being a nice one. We ate dinner, watched some TV and chatted with the others, played a few games of cards and then eventually retired to our respective rooms to watch a film before bed.

Sunday was similarly relaxed and it ended up being a very lazy weekend. I wasn't feeling as emotionally or physically settled as I would have liked to be, which I knew was caused by my abrupt lack of medication. But deep down, beneath the fuzzy, slow-motion, underwater-like feel of my physical senses, I felt a small sense of contentment, of comfort, of belonging. I felt safe in Samson's company. I felt cared for, I felt like I could just be, without explanation or justification. I was still feeling conflicted over not contacting my parents, feeling slightly obstinate and resentful at the thought of having to always answer to someone, to explain myself, my actions, my decisions, my absence. I just wanted to be away from everyone else and not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me or any perceived responsibility. It was almost like a mini rebellion or crisis was occurring inside my head. But for now, right here, I could just be.

Friday Frivolity

The weekend was a weird one. Friday night, I went out with my workmates for Shoulders' leaving drinks. We were only downstairs in the union bar, but there was a good turn out. He had been at our work for nine years, so had made plenty of friends along the way. I only planned to stay for a couple of hours before heading to the rents' and had already called Mum to tell her I wouldn't be home for dinner. But predictably, I ended up losing track of time until it was too late to feasibly get home, not to mention the fact that I had been drinking and didn't really want to arrive at the rents' evidently worse for wear. I knew they probably wouldn't be too happy with me being out on a Friday and to be honest, it didn't sit quite right with me either, but I wanted to be there to see my friend off.

The overall boss of Shoulders' team had inexplicably given him £60 to help fund the evening's frivolities, which Shoulders took advantage of by buying a tray or three of Sambuca shots throughout the evening, to punctuate the bottles of Corona he had otherwise been drinking and the various other beers that people had been sipping pints of. I declined the aniseed-based flavour but did instead have my first ever shot of tequila, which alarmingly tasted much less like alcohol than I had expected. Needless to say, most of the group was feeling rather merry as the evening wore on. I gradually started enjoying the drinks less, so switched from my tipple to apple juice as things started getting more raucous.

Miss T had come down especially, since she doesn't work Fridays, and seemed to be having as good a time as any, despite sticking solely to orange juice all night. Early on in the evening, I was deep in conversation with a couple of colleagues, stood next to one of the small tables everyone was congregated around. I was standing right behind an empty chair and started gesticulating wildly in line with our conversation, not noticing that while doing so, a rather senior member of staff had sat in the empty chair next to me. I only realised when I smacked him over the back of the head with one of said hand gestures. Oops. I apologised profusely, feeling utterly mortified.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't realise you were there!"

"Oh yeah," he said mock-sarcastically, "I saw you lining that up."

I turned back to my colleagues, partly feeling horrified and partly wanting to laugh, while contemplating how long I could expect to keep my job after this incident. I relayed the story separately to both Miss T and Mrs Gravity later on, knowing that neither of them are particularly fond of him and they giggled their approval. Mrs Gravity already had her reservations of him after he was particularly rude to her on one occasion, but she had taken even greater exception to him telling her in no uncertain terms at the Christmas drinks that our team had won the Christmas quiz because of Flame Grilled and Little Big Boss, who coincidentally happen to be the only two male members of the team. When challenged about exactly what he meant by that comment, he tried to deny sexism but couldn't give any other explanation. Mrs Gravity seemed amused and somewhat pleased by my inadvertent physical assault on him.

Midway through the evening, Double G (who was even more cheeky, attention-grabbing and lively than even his normal self) started taking pictures on someone's camera phone and I suddenly remembered that I had brought my camera with me. I put him on camera duty, which he duly accepted with aplomb, taking pictures left, right and centre, most of which included him. As the evening wore on and I had spent lots of time talking with people (particularly a very cool girl from the office called TruBrit), I eventually found myself sat between Samson and Scylar, an old colleague who had left us about 18 months ago. Bizarrely, Samson and I hadn't actually spoken all that much during the evening, mainly because we were both talking to other people that I especially barely get a chance to talk to in the office. The three of us were talking about various things and being silly, but my buzz was wearing off and everyone around me seemed to be slightly more tipsy than I was. After a while, I was feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable about the conversation with Scylar, or maybe his proximity to me, but couldn't quite put my finger on why. I excused myself to take a loo break and when I started to make my way back, Samson was coming to meet me. "Can I steal you away for a second?" he asked, as we stopped to talk and he leaned in for a quick kiss. It transpired that Scylar had made a comment about me that suggested he liked me. Samson had awkwardly admitted "Well actually, I'm kind of seeing her," to which Scylar had responded embarrassedly with "Oh! I'm so sorry!" I had completely misread any such signs and felt really awkward at the situation, but it explained why I had been feeling slightly uncomfortable. Samson, in his typically non-typical, non-macho, non-threatened way, told me that he didn't blame him, because I'm an attractive girl. I wanted to laugh, but it also felt weird having someone I'm involved with react in a non-possessive, rational way. As time goes on, I am having more of these mini realisations that a lot of the behaviour I expect from people isn't necessarily rational, standard or even especially common. I have become so used to expecting the worst, that anything other is sometimes not just unexpected, but somewhat difficult to really comprehend or even accept. We talked for a bit and had a kiss, then were interrupted by Shoulders and Gannet peering at us from around the corner, armed with a camera. They tried to sneak a picture of us kissing, then Shoulders asked if he could have a photo of us together. I suppose he partly wanted the photographic trophy of having played a part in setting us up. It was only a bit later that I realised he had taken the pictures (at least 3) with Scylar's camera. Oops.

Not long after, the lights started to brighten and we were informed that it was last orders at the bar. We discussed going elsewhere afterwards and then when we eventually left, Shoulders, Miss T, Dee, Holmes, Samson and I, along with another girl that most of us didn't know (but who apparently used to work in our department) headed over to the main union bar and club to have a boogie. After getting past security by flashing our staff cards and realising this also meant we didn't have to pay, we were in. Shoulders placed an order at the bar, and then decided to make his way to the dance floor with the girl. Not having had a good dance for quite some time, I followed on behind. It wasn't long till the others followed us. We still had possession of the props for the evening - an inflatable kangaroo with an Aussie flag round its neck and a hat with the stereotypical corks hanging from its brim. The kangaroo acted as an occasional dance companion, but even with our somewhat childish antics, it didn't stop us feeling horribly old compared to the students we were surrounded by, most of whom we were probably 7 - 10 years older than.

Samson and I had a little dance together and we all had a good laugh, partly at Shoulders who randomly kept lifting one of our group up into the air, and partly at a random student with big hair who was totally out of it, seemed to be trying to adopt our group as his own and also seemed to have taken a fancy to the girl. Shoulders and the girl were dancing together (as were Samson and I and Holmes and Dee at times), but occasionally we noticed that they were dancing slightly more closely than we felt comfortable with, knowing that he has a lady waiting for him in Aus, who he is emigrating to start a new life with, is planning to marry and who he was going to see in just one week's time. As the small hours wore on, their dancing became gradually more intimate, their bodies pressed up against each other's and his face buried in her neck. Samson kept throwing the kangaroo over to them as a kind of distraction tactic to try and stop what seemed to be happening, which would divert their attention momentarily, but didn't dissuade them all that much for long. I later heard from Miss T that at one point the girl had started dancing with another guy and Shoulders had tried to intervene. "I'm all right," she had assured him, to which he had responded by pushing the other guy's face away, rather more aggressively than was necessary.

Eventually, Samson took him outside to have a chat to him and reiterate what his choices were: stop what he was doing, go home alone and maintain any respect we had for him. Or, carry on the way he was going and risk losing not just our respect, but everything he had been working towards with Kitty after three long months apart, just a week before he was due to see her. Apparently, Shoulders agreed with him, asking him to keep him in line. While all this was going on outside, we were still dancing inside, while noticing that the girl had started dancing with another student, almost just as amourously as she had been with Shoulders. I was feeling gradually more upset by the situation, wondering what on earth he was playing at, feeling that she should know better, feeling awful for Kitty who was none the wiser and trying not to let the situation reinforce my some-time opinion that men can't be trusted and that even meeting the woman of their dreams who they were planning to marry couldn't prevent certain men from not being controlled by their penises. I know that some might think I was overreacting, but Miss T noted that "there is dancing and then there's dancing." All I knew was that if that had been my boyfriend, never mind fiance, I would not have been happy. It seemed worse because we all know Kitty. I also didn't see the point of it. I don't want to justify cheating, but perhaps I can understand the motivation behind it a little more when someone feels trapped in an unhappy relationship, or they fall in love with another person and desperately want to be with them. But a random night with someone based on a sexual urge that you have (I assume) managed to control for the three months you and your partner have been apart, just a week before you are due to see them? Not cool. I know I was feeling on the emotional side, but it got to me.

When Samson and Shoulders arrived back on the dance floor after their little talk, things seemed to be cool. That is until Shoulders noticed the girl dancing with the random student and decided that he should step in. Not long after, he was leading her out of the club. Samson grabbed him to ask what he was doing. "I just need to talk to her," he said, "Two minutes." We stayed and danced a bit longer, but after a while thought we should probably make a move as it was getting late. We got our stuff together, which had all been perhaps unwisely piled up on the dancefloor next to us and was probably now covered in beer-spillage and footprints. We stepped outside into the reception area while Miss T went outside and came back to report that Shoulders and the girl were kissing each other's faces off outside. We got our coats on while she popped to the toilets. When we had all our stuff together, we went outside. I found it hard to look at Shoulders and was feeling angrier by the second. Samson and Holmes went to speak to him in turn, while Miss T commented that she had known Shoulders a long time and that apparently "leopards don't change their spots." Samson and Miss T later laughed at the South London creeping out in my voice as I expressed my disappointment and annoyance. They tried to ask him to come with us, but he wouldn't, saying he was only going to stay for 20 minutes anyway. We each hugged him goodbye, but all I could utter was a strained "Good luck," before leaving. We made our way to the bus stop, the wait in the cold air sobering us all up a little, although I had felt pretty lucid for the past couple of hours already anyway. We got the bus, Holmes neglecting to come with us so that he could get a different one. Miss T and Dee were going a similar way, so Samson and I went a couple of stops with them before changing to get a different bus to his.

Once again, I had stayed out much later than intended and although I had texted my Mum to tell her I wouldn't be coming over till the next day, I wasn't sure if she would have checked her phone and felt uneasy that they might be worried or disappointed that I hadn't come home, or both. Eventually Samson and I arrived back at his and felt grateful for the warm. We stayed up for a while, lying next to each other and talking about the evening's events, how we were feeling and how nice it was to be in each other's company despite the turn the evening had taken. Eventually, we fell asleep in each other's arms, me feeling content and hoping that he would continue to offer an alternative to my negative perceptions of what relationships have to offer.

Meeting the Flatmates

Samson invited me to have dinner and stay over at his on Wednesday night. It would be a nice chilled evening, but also served the purpose of me being able to meet his housemates. I had stayed at his the previous Wednesday too, but his flatmates were still on their skiing holiday, so it had been a quiet evening in for just the two of us. This time, I was feeling a little bit nervous because of the meet. I've always felt a little bit awkward being around people I don't know, or at least the perception or anticipation of it makes me feel that way. Still, I was looking forward to it and we got lucky when management let us leave work an hour early because of the snowy conditions. It felt really nice leaving work with him, then getting the tube together, him being a gentleman as ever and letting me sit down, then standing up for the rest of the journey to allow ladies who were standing up to take any seats that became available. We each read the paper as we travelled and then walked the short walk back to his place, stopping at the shop to buy stuff for dinner. I had some iced currant buns with me that I had bought on the way to work, so he made tea to go with them when we got in and we sat down to watch some telly.

After a while, one of his flatmates, (Scousey-P) arrived home and said a quick hello while getting ready to go straight back out to meet a friend for a drink. He left not too long after and then his other flatmate (Paxton) arrived, kitted out in his bike gear. He came over and shook my hand and gave me a kiss on the cheek, introducing himself and generally making me feel at home. He was going to make some stuffed peppers for dinner and asked if we wanted some, so we decided to accept his generous offer in lieu of the baked potatoes we had planned. I sat and had a drink, while Samson buzzed in and out of the kitchen, going in to help when needed and coming to keep me company when not. While waiting, Samson and I took the Christmas decorations (huge glass baubles) off the Christmas tree and then removed the fairy lights and put everything away. It was weird, we weren't really doing anything different than I could be doing at home or anywhere else, but it felt really comfortable, like I belonged there, or if not belonged, then at least like I wasn't out of place.

Eventually dinner was ready and they lit the tea lights on the table and brought in three fancy looking dishes. Paxton had made a special meat-free version for me, which I felt a little bit bad about, but he was very sweet about it. The food was good and the company was lovely too. It was nice being around Samson in his own place, with his friends, getting to know them and seeing how he was in his usual environment. I didn't feel anywhere near as awkward as I had imagined I could feel, in fact, I didn't feel awkward at all. We talked, Paxton asked me some questions and I did the same to him and we had a chilled out dinner, with jazz playing in the background. The football was on telly too, Liverpool versus Reading in the FA Cup, and we kept an eye on it while eating and talking. After dinner, we watched the rest of the match, and the boys tried hard to contain their glee at Liverpool's eventual defeat, knowing that they could tease Scousey-P mercilessly about this in the morning. We chilled together most of the evening, then soon it was time for bed. It was such a nice evening. In the morning, I managed to get up in time to get into the shower first under Samson's instructions. We got ready relatively quickly, but still felt sleepy-headed and sat arm-in-arm on the tube in trying to fight the tired feeling. I never thought I'd really want to work in the same place as someone, but it was actually quite cool travelling in together, knowing that we'd see each other, even if only from afar, at some point during the day or could exchange an email here and there.

I've only just realised that I've not really had this before. The whole episode with NY Guy was never a proper relationship in the sense of us physically being able to spend time together and with The Ex, it mostly revolved around him and his surroundings, partly because I wasn't really independent enough and my parents were too strict for it to be otherwise, partly because he was the dominant force in that relationship, partly because I was a pushover, partly because we were both young and partly because we didn't really know any different. What I like most is that I rarely have to think about the details and worry over things, because everything just seems to fall into place with Samson. We're both just taking it as it comes, not getting over-analytical, not questioning everything, just enjoying each others' company. It's the first time in a long time, maybe ever, that I have felt this comfortable, content and happy about such a situation. He is a very cool guy. And for the first time in ages, I am starting to feel like myself again.

Re-Ups

Samson had an internal interview at work yesterday. He texted me when it was over and I nipped out of the office to say hello and to ask how it went. It was weird but lovely seeing him. It had only been three days, but it was long enough for me to feel a tiny bit shy around him in that way I do when I am attracted to or have a connection with someone. The three days felt like ages. We had a quick chat and he seemed quite happy with the interview. It was odd, not feeling like I could be as relaxed with him as I wanted to be, knowing that we were still in the vicinity of work and that curious eyes could be watching. Soon I had to get back to the office, so he walked me to the staircase and gave me a quick kiss before we went our separate ways, him to his home to chill out and watch DVDs for the rest of the day, me back to my desk and the mountain of administrative requests I have been trying to plough through.

Today was his first day back at work after Christmas and our first day in the office together since we officially became an item. I think it is for the best that we work at opposite ends of the office and can't actually see each other from our desks. Once or twice, he had to walk past my desk and I realised I had to make a conscious effort to try and ignore him, because his eye catching mine would have me smile far too broadly for just your average work colleague. Work was OK, quite busy, but without too many awkward queries that make things less enjoyable and more difficult to get done. However, everyone in our section was getting steadily more grumpy as the day wore on, because the office is so damn cold.

Things haven't been too bad overall lately. I've been trying to get a doctor's appointment for a while, since missing the one I had booked just before New Year's Eve in favour of a cinema date with Samson. Probably not the wisest move, but I had such a nice time that day, it's hard to feel like I missed out on anything. My meds run out today, so it's a bit late for me to see my doctor to get a repeat prescription in time. I've been thinking about how I feel about the situation, how I feel mentally and emotionally in general and whether I want to continue taking the medication. I'm not sure that 'want' is quite the right word, but I don't think I'm quite ready to stop taking them just yet. It's hard to tell sometimes whether any low patches I experience are just part of the normal ups and downs an emotionally conscious person would go through anyway, but I don't think I feel like I'm quite back to normal. To be honest, I am rather scared about feeling the way I did just before I started taking the anti-depressants. It was so unpleasant feeling completely blank, devoid of positive emotion and lacking any physical energy or emotional enthusiasm for anything at all. I don't want to go back there, but at the same time, I don't want the fear of experiencing difficulties to make me overly reliant on pharmaceutical help.

It's weird, sometimes I feel like I still have so far to go, but when I think about where I was a year ago, it seems like I've taken emotional leaps and bounds. I'd rather be dealing with difficult emotions in this way, than distracting myself with emotional crutches of the human kind, which wasn't fair on anyone. I'm a long way from where I want to be, but at the same time I almost feel like I am exactly where I want to be. I haven't felt like this for a while, but I don't want to fast forward and skip to the end, like I have done previously. I'm not dwelling so much on the past, I'm not worrying too much about or longing for the future, I'm just living in the here and now. And for now, that's just fine by me.

Work Returnage and Resolutions

I was not looking forward to returning to work on Monday. Sunday was a really nice, chilled-out day. I stayed Saturday night at the rents' and woke up a little later than planned, feeling rather rough and unable to shake the cold I have probably had for about two weeks or more. I had a nice hot shower (I was quick!), got my stuff together, went downstairs for some toast and tea and texted my uni girls to let them know I wasn't feeling too great, so was running late for our Sunday lunch date. Mum dropped me at the train station and I managed to meet them in fairly good time. We had a great catch-up as usual, me eager to hear about how things were with the both of them and they eager to hear about what had happened with NY Guy since we last spoke. They laughed and were supportively critical of him ("Enough about K-Dog," Ms. Benetton randomly quipped, much to our amusement), then got excited when I told them about the unexpected development with Samson. "I haven't seen your eyes sparkle like that for a long time," said Ms. Blunt, when I had finished getting them up to speed. He was going to come and meet me for a drink afterwards, since my usual meeting place for lunch with girls is only a ten-minute bus ride from where he lives.

It was lovely as always to see them. We had a lovely meal: tasty-looking grilled salmon for them and a boring but comforting spaghetti bolognese for me, followed by a yummy carrot cake and tea each. We belly-laughed as usual and talked about our plans for the coming year, or at least the next couple of months, both Ms. Benetton and I hoping to move out in the next few months or so. After we left, I walked back to the station and met Samson, who was waiting for me. He greeted me with a hug and kiss and we wandered down the high street to a pub that he had frequented before with his housemates. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking and just enjoying each others' company, over a few drinks. We stumbled onto the question of what we were to each other and when dating becomes seeing each other and so on. "Can I call you my girlfriend yet?" he asked, explaining that, "I'd like to continue seeing you. And no-one else." I felt shy all of a sudden, but liked the fact that he was the one initiating moving things along. We had only been on a few dates, but our time together was feeling more and more comfortable and more and more couple-like. I wouldn't think of seeing anyone else and would be offended if he decided he wanted to, so I couldn't find a reason to object. "I'd like to be your girlfriend," I finally admitted, after ineloquently stumbling over my words and not knowing exactly how to express what I wanted to say. It was only later on that I realised that the label wasn't nearly as important to me as either the fact that he had wanted us to have one, or how happy I was starting to feel about the situation.

He had the week off work, after plans to go skiing with his friends fell through because of a lack of cash. We made plans to see each other on Wednesday night, him joking that with the long stretch till pay day still ahead of us, that he would cook me a pot noodle and toast for dinner. Eventually, we decided to make a move to our respective homes, me to get an early night and try to prepare myself for the week of work ahead, and he to perhaps make a start on the application form for Shoulders' job, applications for which were due to close the following evening. He walked me to the station, his arm around my shoulders and mine around his waist and asked me to text him when I got home, before kissing me and waving goodbye. I had only just got on the tube home, but Wednesday already felt like ages away.

On Monday morning, I managed to get up in fairly good time and without too much inner resentment. Work ended up actually being OK. It was busy, so the day passed quite quickly and for some reason, I felt relatively motivated, so ended up staying at work till 7.00pm. Strange behaviour, I know, but I have to work a little extra so that I can leave early on Fridays, so I thought while I actually felt somewhat willing to work late for a change, I might as well. Flame-Grilled and Boots (the equivalent of Flame-Grilled for the other half of our team) had both decided to give up smoking at the beginning of the year. They were both feeling fairly positive about their progress so far, although Boots was slightly more positive than Flame-Grilled, seeing as he had given up since the 1st of January and she had only given up on Monday 4th. Towards the end of the day, I asked him how it was going and he seemed to suggest it was okay. "How about you, have you made any resolutions?" he asked, to which I ashamedly replied that I hadn't. I nearly said something that might have come across as overly cheesy or dramatic, like "To be a better person," or "To just get through the year," but I didn't know what to say. It has been such an odd year that to be honest, to just get through 2010 feeling more positive, contented and happy would be the only thing I could genuinely say I wanted most. I suppose I could convert that into some smaller resolution-like aims, but I didn't really know where to start. I just want to take things a day at a time. Or maybe I'm just rubbish at sticking to such things and know it. Hmm.

On the way home, almost to prove my point, hunger outweighed self-control and I got a burger to eat on the train. When I got in, I was still feeling bizarrely energetic and ended up starting to tidy my room. It probably looks barely tidier to the untrained eye, but I managed to get rid of a recycling sack's worth of paper rubbish and a couple of small bags of non-recyclable rubbish, as well as generally just making things vaguely more organised. Embarrassingly, I found a pair of boots I bought at least a year ago but hadn't yet worn and had been wondering about. I am seriously going to have to continue downsizing if I want to move out this year. I dread to think about just how many vans I will need when moving if I don't get rid of some stuff now, lol. I was up tidying and sorting things out until well after midnight, when I finally got to sleep. This sudden burst of energy, especially on a Monday, a work day, a day so early in the year and a day during which I had felt tired and cold-ridden, was sort of odd for me. I didn't bother trying to question it. It's only a matter of time before it wears off.

Bring On 2010...

I can't tell you how happy I am to see the back of 2009 and the start of 2010. 2009 was a year of lows and difficult patches, negative influences, inactivity, unwise decisions and a lack of any discernible progress for me. I know that one doesn't need a new calendar year to arrive in order to make a fresh start, but I'm seeing it as a clean slate and one that I can fill in on my own terms.

Work-wise, I'm not sure whether a move will be feasible this year, as it really depends on the job market and what opportunities arise. But I will keep my eyes open for any appealing vacancies that come up, just in case. Otherwise, it's probably best and safest if I stay where I am for now.

Home-wise, I really do want to move out and soon. I am starting to feel slightly stifled where I am and need my own space. I think I am at a time where the social part of my life is one of the most important to me and I need a place of my own that is conducive to that. Living with Big Sis lately has started to feel more and more like living with another mother. I am an adult, I don't want to have to explain every single aspect of my social life or where I am going to be and with whom, not to someone who isn't my parent, and even then not so much! I think living with Lolly would be really good for both of us and I need both the freedom and responsibility it will bring. I am seriously going to have to sort out my spending habits and save like the Dickens so that I can make it a reality sooner rather than later.

Spirituality-wise, I know I have fallen into a slump. My relationship with God hasn't been as personal or real as it should have been this year. I have neglected spending time in prayer, reading books and literature that would uplift me spiritually, or making enough time for personal devotion and Bible study time. I know that I need to do something about it before it becomes hollow. I am still actively involved with things at church, like music and activities with our small group, but at times I feel like I am struggling and that I am not being as genuine as I should be. I need to make an effort to make my spirituality more real to me instead of being a formality, as it feels at times.

Health-wise, I want to keep trying to go to the gym and keep fit one way or the other. I definitely need to eat more healthily. Mentally, I am hoping I will slowly climb out of this depression and be able to come off my medication by the end of the year. It may not be feasible and I don't want to come off the medication at all costs if it will be best for me to stay on it. But I hope that things will have improved enough for me to feel better emotionally and mentally to the point where I can at least see that as a possibility.

Relationship-wise, I want to find someone that I can be myself with, whose company I enjoy and who I can have something reliable and stable with. I am enjoying what I have found out about Samson so far and think that situation has lots of potential for sure. At the moment, I'd be very content if that continues. If it doesn't work out, then I hope I will at least steer clear of toxic men for the remainder of the year! At the very least, he has so far helped me gain back a little bit of faith in the male species, in helping me to start to believe once again that there are genuinely nice and sincere guys out there. I really hope I won't be proved wrong.

I know that there is no telling what 2010 will bring, but hopefully whatever occurs, I will face it with positivity, faith, determination, grace and an open heart, trying not to be tainted by the scars that remind me of when I have been hurt before, or fearful because of the past difficulties that have made me a little bit more cynical and wary of being me.

Wishing you all success, love, security and happiness for the rest of the year.