Feeling All the Feelings

I feel unbearably full of emotion right now.  Sadness, anger, loneliness, despair.  I awoke this morning and discovered that the defendant in the Trayvon Martin case had been acquitted.  I felt upset to the point of tears.  I withheld my sorrow because I didn't know how to explain to my mother that I was crying about an injustice towards someone I don't even know, in a country that isn't even my own.  I'm not pretending to understand how his family and friends feel, nor how black people in America feel, or even black people in general.  I can't even imagine it.  But I felt the sting of injustice from across the ocean, the shock at how little the life of a black youth in America is worth and the disgust at how the law can be used to allow someone to get away with murder.

My feelings about the outcome of the case highlighted a sadness and experience that is my own.  I had no-one to talk to about it.  I made brief mention of it to my mum when it appeared on the news and she seemed to agree with my comments, but that was it.  I started to feel incredibly alone, knowing that there was literally no-one that I have these sort of conversations with and could go to after an event like this to say, "Did you hear what happened?  What in the fuck...?" and they would know exactly where I was coming from.  I often feel like a odd bod.  But the instances in which I feel that way seem to be becoming more frequent.  There's an overwhelming sense of loneliness in feeling like you are without someone who understands your point of view, who can relate to your experiences and who doesn't dismiss the things you feel strongly about.  The last time I felt this way, I wrote about it on Tumblr and received an anonymous comment telling me to not "let them grind your gears."  So aside from feeling legitimate anger about subtle racist attitudes, then loneliness from having no-one who understood my anger, my feelings were dismissed in the place that is sometimes my only outlet for such feelings.  I find it incredibly frustrating.

In the past, I have often avoided debate and discussion in anything more than a casual setting.  I prefer to avoid situations that rouse my anger, just for reasons of my health and sanity.  Lately, I can't always avoid such things, or just generally feel too much and find that the emotions overcome me, to the point of it affecting me in a personal way, even if it is an issue that hasn't even affected me personally.  Trying to talk to someone about such things and having them respond apathetically, or with an opposing view, or being dismissive about how I feel (not necessarily in a malicious way, but in an "I don't think it's that big a deal" way) genuinely makes me despair of living.  A Facebook friend made comments supporting George Zimmerman's actions as 'self defence' and I felt a little of my faith in humanity drain away.  One of her friends responded to the train of comments by suggesting that Trayvon Martin should have stayed indoors doing something more "responsible" and then none of this would have happened.  I felt so angry I could have choked.  I can't deal with my emotions sufficiently at the moment.  I have no outlet for releasing them that results in me feeling reassured or validated.  I write things down to try and siphon the thoughts from my mind so that I can feel some peace, but the anger and frustration still bubbles up inside.

In life, you can't underestimate the benefit of someone telling you that your feelings are justified, that it is okay to feel the way you do, that your viewpoint is valid, that you are not alone in how you feel.  I want to meet that person who is my confidant, my best friend, my support, my cheerleader, my lover, my other half, my sounding board.  And in some ways I also hate myself for wanting that so desperately.  I guess I'd feel better meeting that person, so they could say, "I know exactly how you feel.  I've been looking for you, too."  And so, the cycle continues.

More Thoughts

• If I can get away with just wearing tinted moisturiser on my face, it's a good skin day.
• It seems like I dream of one or more of my exes at least once a week at the moment, but I have no idea why.
• When I was in the waiting room at the doctor's surgery yesterday, I had to hold back what was about to turn into a flood of tears.  Bear in mind that I actually really like my doctor and you'll get an idea of how anxious even routine appointments and suchlike (especially about my health) make me feel.
• It seems that people who put themselves first and are a little more self-centred go places in life, whereas some people who are selfless and giving remain stuck (probably busy putting others first).
• Fire brigade uniforms really do make even average looking men look kinda hot.  
• The appearance of a fire engine really does make even middle-aged and older women get all pervy and excitable.
• My doctor asked me if I "want to get better".  I don't even know where to begin with expressing how I feel about that question.
• I like girls, have girl friends and enjoy spending time with them, but I definitely enjoy being around boys, even if (sometimes particularly so) I am the only girl.  They can be less complicated, less needy and sometimes more interesting to talk to.  Or maybe I just speak to the wrong girls...
• I miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything.
• There was an offer on coffee at the supermarket last week and they were giving out free samples to drink.  I had some and decided to buy a pack as it was really nice.  The other day I decided to make a cup and for a split second I was going to ask my Dad if he would also like one (as he used to like a coffee now and then).  It's moments like that where sadness creeps up on me unexpectedly.
• I find myself hating the world around me more and more and getting angry more often about how awful so many things are.
• I feel low, demotivated and quite useless at the moment.  But bizarrely, I also feel sort of hopeful and content about things.  That about sums up my internal conflict of optimist trapped in a pessimist's body.

Current Thoughts and Realisations

• If you have relationship deal-breakers, you should talk about them as early as possible into the relationship.  It just causes hurt you could have avoided otherwise.
• I believe that there are some things that were 'meant to be', in the context that I believe God has a perfect plan for every individual's life.  However, I believe that our freedom of personal choice can overrule this plan and this can cause a lot of avoidable heartache.  I do think we can get back on track despite our deviations, but it might never be quite what was planned - a plan B, if you will.
• I read an article Stephen Fry wrote recently about loneliness and I agree that it is the worst thing in the world.  Being without a 'romantic' companion (or however else you want to describe a relationship that is more intimate than friendship) can be very lonely, but I believe feeling that you are without a genuine friend who understands you and is truly there for you is worse.
• Some people will drag you into their drama whether you want to be involved or not.
• There will always be people who will never give 100% in a relationship.
• I require regular alone time in order to do nothing without being made to feel guilty about it.
• Perhaps emotional intelligence can be taught, but the person actually has to want to learn.
• eBay will forever be my downfall.
• I am like my mother in ways I'm not always sure are positive, but the only time she ever tells me I am like my father is in a negative way.
• Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how my mum would react to my death and my uncertainty on whether God would forgive me for suicide.
• I can actually shake off quite a lot of things and not take them to heart; I don't tend to keep grudges for petty reasons and am willing to work towards reconciliation in most circumstances when a person is genuinely apologetic and desiring of it, but if you really hurt me - especially when I have always gone out of my way to give my best for you - you're going to have to work damn hard to get my trust back.
• If you think you should apologise for something, you should do so regardless of whether the other person is ready to engage with you or not.  When/if the other person is willing to accept or even acknowledge the apology is not up to you and cannot be forced.  It once took a couple of years after the time I apologised before I actually got some acknowledgement from the other person, but I never regretted the apology. 
• Arrested Development is one of the few things giving me laughs lately.
• I really am a clown at heart, but only those very close to me or who I feel most comfortable with will ever see that side of me completely uncensored.
• My recent dreams have involved my dad, virtually all of my exes and me dying my hair blonde (with questionable results).
• There are a few precious souls out there who I will always cherish.  But that list is extremely short.
• There are a few men out there who I genuinely and whole-heartedly respect.  That list is also extremely short.
• I will forever think of a certain someone as my 'one who got away' and until I have full closure or find the right person for me (neither of which I am certain I will get), that will haunt me.
• Flies are annoying and stupid.
• I don't currently have the capability to multi-task when at least one of the tasks involves actual concentration or real cognitive engagement.
• If I had the means to just disappear and go AWOL to live another life, I would.
• Recently, I unexpectedly discovered I was someone's first love.  I wasn't entirely sure how to react to that, seeing as he wasn't mine.  When I thought about it, I wasn't completely sure who was.
• I also discovered that someone who knew me when I was a child still has a book of poems that I wrote when I was a child and still occasionally reads them.  That made me smile.
• The older I get, the more the thought of raising children terrifies me.
• I still haven't found a reason for me living, but I'm hoping there is one and that I will find it soon.  The longer I live without one, the less I want to live. 
• People often tell me that they would "never have guessed" I'm suffering from depression.  Of course they wouldn't.  That's part of the fucked-up stigma and symptoms of mental illness.  But my ability to enjoy something/have fun and my inner sadness/state of mind aren't always inextricably linked.
• A career and a calling are two completely different things.