Farewell, 2008

So far, I have welcomed in the New Year thus:

• shopping in Romford with the Mrs. and playing 'Spot the (probably fake) Ugg boots,' as every girl within a 50m radius seemed to be wearing them (including us, shamefully)
• feeling like a grumpy boyfriend on a shopping trip with his girl, after my enthusiasm for shopping died with the realisation that I couldn't really buy anything
• in the company of my darling Mrs. and her mama (and their dog, Dee)
• eating pizza and cheesy garlic bread and chicken strips while watching Mamma Mia for the first time
• singing along to the fantastic ABBA soundtrack and being reminded of beautiful summer days spent in my back garden as a child, sunbathing on old matresses while playing ABBA on the ghetto blaster
• drooling over Johnny Depp with the Mrs.' mum while watching the end of Chocolat
• getting farted on all evening by Dee
• not being able to contact the Boy to wish him a Happy New Year due to communication problems (of sorts)...*sigh*
• getting a few new year well wishes from a few lovely people
• getting ready to party like it's....2009.....while we watch Jules Holland's Annual Hootenanny or Elton John's New Year's Eve Party, depending on who wins out of Claire and her mum (currently seems like her mum has it...)

There are many things I could say about what this past year has been. But to be honest, I have had enough of past reflection for one week. Right now, I am going to live in the moment and enjoy the rest of my evening, without thinking on the failings of the past year or what my potential accomplishments for the next year should be. I am simply going to continue having a fun evening with one of my favourite people.

Wishing you all God's blessings for a wonderful, prosperous 2009, filled with love, growth and happiness for you and all of yours.

The Gift

You came to us in poorest kind,
No fanfare, flourish, or applause.
Your birthplace, crude and unrefined;
Your virtue outweighed all its flaws.

Yet those from polar social tiers:
The working class and learned men,
Heeded signs that in heav’n appeared,
That they might speak their own amen.

The other worlds watched hushed, in awe
That their Creator and their Lord
Would lie upon a bed of straw,
A helpless babe, by most ignored.

To welcome God’s own Son, no feast,
No esteemed guests to sing His praise;
The long-lost children of the East
Brought tributes which His life conveyed:

The gold acknowledged royalty,
Its value did befit a King;
The wise men’s humble loyalty
Did threaten Herod’s glorying.

The frankincense, a fragrant part
Of sacred mixtures that were burned
In Your own temple’s Holy heart,
While Your priestly role was adjourned.

A poignant final gift to You,
Which pointed to Your purpose, grave:
Myrrh would your burial robes imbue,
Once You had died, this world to save.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two thousand years or so have passed
Since You came down from heav’n to earth,
Your gift to us is unsurpassed:
You gave Your life to show our worth.

Yet now we celebrate a date
That certainly marked not Your birth,
And many do commemorate
With opulence, excess and mirth.

Exchanging gifts, oft rashly bought,
Indulging in all worldly joys;
The day may pass without a thought
Or reflection, amidst the noise,

On what the angels did declare:
“Glory to God and peace to all.”
What beauty in that simple prayer,
Made as You slept inside that stall.

Our hearts have lost the central theme
That should frame each day of our lives:
That love for You should reign supreme
And motivate us to decide

To treat each person as one’s self
And humbly give of what we own,
Regarding not prestige or wealth
Above the ideal you have shown.

Please help me Lord, to ne’er forget
The precious gift You gave to me,
To cherish it and better yet:
Share it with all, whole-heartedly.

The Week in Review #5

It has been a little while since I last reviewed the events of my week. This is not due to those weeks being uneventful. On the contrary, I have seemingly been too busy and rather too tired to put it in writing. This past week or so has flown by. I am sort of glad that Christmas is pretty much over and am actually looking forward to the new year. More or less. :o)

Noteworthy events of the past week or two?

1. We had our Christmas lunch at work. We went to the Chicago Rib Shack (maybe not such a great choice from my team's point of view, since two are vegetarians and I don't eat pork and not so much meat in general). However, the meal was nice. We had a laugh. I got teased for looking even shorter than normal, even though I was wearing heels. We wore silly hats and took pictures of us wearing them. We had a quick chat with the previous Academic Registrar, who had retired in September, and remembered how nice and personable he is. We went to the student union afterwards for a drink, because our table booking for the meal ended at 4.00pm. I realised that although it has been a pretty tempestuous year work-wise for all of us, they are a great bunch of people and that counts for a lot.
   
   
2. We had our Christmas lunch at church. It was a nice gathering. They are a real family and have a lot of genuine affection and consideration for each other. The guys who are decorating the centre as part of their community service joined us for lunch. We saw a card and photo the church had received from a young couple who had attended our church for a couple of months before they got married, before returning to Australia for good. We had sang at their wedding. It was lovely to see that they and their three children are doing well.
   
   
3. We had our Christmas dinner at home. One on Sunday with Bigger Sis and one on Christmas Day. It was nice spending time together. It was also nice eating yummy home-cooked meals.
   
   
4. I sent a big package of chocolate to the Boy to fatten him up for Christmas (lol). I sent a big selection with his favourites stashed at the bottom of the box. I love preparing surprises and presents for people. He loves chocolate an unnatural amount. He's probably eaten half of them already.
   
   
5. However, I realised that some patterns of behaviour cannot be changed very easily. Contact with the Boy has been sparse of late and based on previous form, I have a strong hunch as to the reason why. It's nothing sinister, but I have a feeling that he has some things on his mind and is doing the typical male trick of retreating and dealing with it on his own. (Maybe this is just him and not typically male? If so, I apologise to the male population out there - feel free to correct me) This has happened before. I understand the need for some head space, for some time to get to grips with things on one's own, but leaving the person you say you love completely in the dark, so that they have to psychically deduce what's going on, just ain't cool. A problem shared is often a problem halved, that's all I'm saying. I am leaving him to it.
   
   
6. I caught up on my sleep, more or less. I tend to sleep late, even when I desperately need to sleep early and have been waking up mid-morning, which I know I shouldn't get used to. But I know I should enjoy the luxury of laziness while I can, as next week I have a serious to-do list and will need to be productive way beyond my usual, admittedly pitiful, capacity.
   
   
7. I made plans for New Year's Eve with the Mrs. We realised that in 11 years we have never spent new year together. We were both feeling a little bit 'bah humbug' and thought we may as well be that way together! I am trekking up to her neck of the woods and we are going to celebrate, the two of us, as only we know how.
   
   
8. I got a text on Christmas day from my ex-boyfriend's mum. I love her, she is a really lovely lady and I miss her quite a lot. I felt a little sad as I texted her back, but am glad that she still keeps in touch, even if it is only once or twice a year.
   
   
9. I used the phrase, "You're ruining/You've ruined Christmas!!!" a lot. Example: "Oh no, I've spilt some of my tea on the table." "You're ruining Christmas!!!" I have a strange sense of humour.
   
   
10. I watched the part of Jesus of Nazareth that covers the events leading up to Jesus' birth with Big Sis. Here is part one, if you fancy a watch (I think we watched up to part six or seven):
    
    
    
    
11. I've managed to shake off my mood of misery somewhat. I've had my little self-indulgent wallow in self-pity (of myself, lol. If this joke makes no sense to you, see point #57 here) and am going to get on with stuff. OK, so give it a few days and I might be feeling miserable again, but for now, life is good.
    
    
12. I watched Jamie Oliver's Jamie At Home Christmas special, where he makes his own variation on mince pies. His friend and mentor, the Italian chef Gennaro Contaldo, suggests that along with the Christmas spices used (cinnamon, nutmeg, etc.) the pastries would taste better with a touch of black pepper. Jamie disagrees, but concedes to make one pastry with black pepper for Gennaro's sake. When Gennaro's back is turned, Jamie adds a very generous helping of black pepper, garnishing it with some orange peel to distinguish it from the others. Here's the part where the pastries come out of the oven. Watch Jamie's pitiful attempt to keep a straight face, while Gennaro tucks in. I have watched this so many times now and still crack up at Jamie's laugh. Unfortunately, embedding was disabled, but you can catch it on youtube here (skip to 1:45 if you just want to see that the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or you can view part 5/6 first if you want to see the full lead-up. The mince pies recipe starts at about 4:45). "Is it nice?" :o)
    

This month has disappeared quicker than I ever anticipated. 2009 swiftly beckons. I hope your past week has been suitably festive, peaceful, enjoyable and happy.

Friday Fill-In #14

1. I must fulfil a meaningful purpose for my life before I die.

2. You can't stop someone from making stupid decisions, as much as you wish you could.

3. I wish I never had to buy stupid things I don't need again, but I still haven't got the hang of resistance to shopping.

4. Imagination, reliance on God and a whole lot of faith will has helped me change my life.

5. I know the so many songs by heart, because we like to sing without the sheet music as much as possible.

6. If I weren't so afraid, I would take the plunge and say enough is enough.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being at home with the fam after a couple of hours of food shopping, tomorrow my plans include catching up with some of the church fam I've not seen for a few weeks and having them over for lunch and Sunday, I want to enjoy having the house to myself for a bit, so I can get some things done!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

The Ghost of Christmas Past

This time last year, I was miserable. I had been dealing with a difficult situation in the weeks leading up to Christmas. A couple of days before Christmas, another situation arose which compounded the problem and when the actual day arrived, things still weren't completely resolved. I remember feeling incredibly trapped and getting increasingly more bored, frustrated and depressed. I felt like lashing out at those around me and my spirit was as un-Christmassy as you can get. This year, things aren't quite that bad. But there are a few small similarities in my situation that have given me a feeling reminiscent of last year. My very own ghost of Christmas past.

I am finding it quite hard to shake the feeling of sort-of-sadness and disappointment. The thing is, I do like Christmas. I have much to be thankful for and I know that those things should be foremost in my mind. I have a good family and we enjoyed a low-key, fairly austere late lunch together - the 'rents, Big Sis and Bro-in-law and me. Big Sis and I had volunteered to cook. We didn't do anything particularly special and kept it fairly simple, so there wasn't a huge amount of work to do. I prepared most of the veggies (washing, peeling, cutting, chopping), amidst lots of unsolicited advice from the 'rents ("you should have let me peel the potatoes," "how are you going to cook those?" "I usually cut the ends off the carrots before peeling them," etc.), but Big Sis did most of the actual cooking. I managed to narrowly escape mild concussion as I opened the cooker hood so the fan could get rid of some of the steam, only for it to come off its hinges and fall towards my face. Thankfully, I managed to catch it and hold it clear of me, despite its weight. Those bicep curls at the gym have paid off, finally. :o) I was then left unattended in the kitchen temporarily as Big Sis went to have a shower, and in that short time managed to burn both the gravy and the tips of two of my fingers. Other than all that (lol), the lunch was a success.

We didn't really do presents this year. None of us really need any of the knick-knacks we would no doubt have bought each other and we are all trying to save money. Big Sis got a little gift from Bro-in-Law and I got my Dad a CD of an old record he'd had and made mention of while he was in hospital. Dad got the three of us a traditional Terry's Chocolate Orange each. It was actually nice not having the big fuss of presents and the like. We spent a quiet day in relative contentment. We were together, we had a warm, cosy abode to dwell in and an abundance of food, all enjoying good health. We watched Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit and the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

Bigger Sis doesn't 'do' Christmas. She tends to hole up on her own on Christmas day and watch her favourite DVDs. She even threatened to cycle into work today, as she has a paper she needs to get finished in good time to circulate before a meeting in early January. Her reasoning was that this way, the office would be quiet, she would get loads of work done and then could enjoy the rest of her time off without worrying about the impending meeting. Previously, while I respected her feeling on this, I didn't always understand it. As I get a bit older, I am really understanding where she is coming from. I find that occasions like this can be a huge disappointment when they don't live up to the perpetuated ideal. Who says you have to conform? I like the fact that she does her own thing rather than comply with something just because everyone else does. It's not like it's something she believes in, anyway.

Late this evening, I had a chat with one of my friends and we aired out a few things that we were both feeling. It was nice to catch up with her and update each other on the goings-on of the past week. All in all, it has been quite a nice day. I didn't expect much, so I suppose there was less chance for disappointment. But I didn't hear from the Boy. For everything good that happened, that still seems to cancel out a whole lot. I know I shouldn't place such significance on such things, but it's hard pretending I don't care. The closer it gets, I am doubting his January visit will happen. I still can't shake this feeling off: the feeling that I am in no better a place than I was this time last year, that I still have the same problems, that I am about to embark on a new year no further along my journey in any discernible way. I am still haunted by my ghost of Christmas past.

Miss-mas

Christmas is an odd time of year. There’s something about this holiday season that on the one hand, makes everything seem hopeful, makes us feel warm inside and encourages us to be more cordial to each other. But on the other hand, it can highlight all the things we are missing, whether because they are absent, inadequate, or things we just didn't have in the first place. It seems to bring out the best in some people and situations, but in others the worst. Why bad things seem worse and good things seem even better at Christmas, I don't know.

I am definitely not going to miss work for the week and a half I will be away from it. I will miss my workmates. The Mrs. and I are both missing loved ones, so much that we are already counting down the days until we get to see them in January. I am overcome with empathy at a decision she is wrestling with. I have fleeting thoughts of an old flame, of sadness at the fact that at times I wish we could be in each other's lives, while knowing that right now it is best that we are not. I am sad that one of my friends will not be taking the long country break she had planned with her boyfriend, because she will be caring for her mentally-ill mother over Christmas, while her father recovers from heart failure in hospital. I am concerned about my friend who will be seeing her absent father over the holiday period, only for him to leave for the other side of the world again in the new year. I am worried about her brother, who is back on drugs and drink, when he has a condition that is severely worsened by such things. I am thinking of an old friend who is trying to come to terms with infidelity and is struggling to cope with the discovery. I was alarmed to find out a friend I had been praying for daily a few months back has been taken into hospital, and then felt ashamed that I have not been praying for her recently, as I knew I should have been. I am thinking of my Boy, who is working long hours in a job he was lucky to keep amidst redundancies. I am missing him and desperately hoping that his plans to visit in January will not fall through. I am trying not to think of the mounting bills I have and the lack of funds with which to pay them. I get choked every evening, when I hear Christmas carols being sung at Victoria train station by groups raising money for charity.

On the other hand, I filled with thoughts of love and gratitude for everything I am blessed enough to have and for all the people I have in my life. I am still warmed by memories of the past weekend, when I had an early 'Christmas' dinner with my fam - Mum, Dad, Big Sis, Bro-in-law, and Bigger Sis, who doesn't 'do' Christmas. She came down to my parents' in a cab, armed with a four-course meal, consisting of wild mushroom soup (minestrone for Dad); a shepherds' pie made with Moroccan-style spiced lamb and beef, pine nuts, multicoloured raisins and sultanas and topped with the most perfect mashed potato; the finest chocolate mousse cake, topped with fruit, from Patisserie Valerie; then to finish, cheese with crackers: yummy brie, wensleydale with cranberries, cheshire, french roule and goat's cheese. I laughed at how silly we all are and how lucky I am that we all get on fairly well and actually enjoy spending time together, even if it doesn't happen like this all that often. I had a lovely time at our local carol service that we were invited to sing at by the vicar from the Church of England, whose hall we rent for our own church. We sang two new songs we had only learnt the week before. It took considerable effort to maintain enough breath to sing properly after all that food. Seriously. I did, however, manage to force down a homemade mince pie and some non-alcoholic mulled wine afterwards. We talked with our Latvian friends who I haven't seen for maybe six weeks. I had forgotten just how fond of them I am and realised that I had really missed them.

I am missing lots of people and things and situations at the moment, some in good ways, some in nostalgic ways, some in painful, rueful or yearnful ways and some in just good old-fashioned "wish you were here" kind of ways. But, clichéd as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's as the end of the year approaches that I am feeling more retrospective, but everything that happened this year, the good, the bad and even the ugly, I would not have missed for the world.

Friday Fill-In #13

It's a Christmas Friday Fill-in!

1. Said the night wind to the little lamb, drop it like it's hot.
2. The first Noel, the angel did say, was the best Noel, and everybody knows it.
3. Go! Tell it on the mountain , Over the hills and everywhere. [This song reminds me of my Mum.]
4. It came upon the midnight clear, that glorrrrious song of old.
5. Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Let your heart be light. [That's one of my favourite non-carol Christmas songs.]
6. And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing when you ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a hot shower and a nice quiet dinner with the fam, tomorrow my plans include having Christmas lunch with my church fam and Sunday, I want to enjoy an early Christmas family gathering with Bigger Sis and then sing in the carol service with our friends from All Saints'!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

The Product of My Weekend

Inspired by a weekend of music telly, me and the Mrs. recorded our own version of 'Run', a song originally by Scottish band Snow Patrol, but sung in the style of Leona Lewis' recent cover version.



I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

In the Wrong Career

My darling best friend lives a good hour and a half's travel away from me. That might seem like nothing to those of you who don't live on a relatively small island, but for me, that is quite a distance from someone I like to see quite regularly. As a result, whenever I visit, it's always an overnight trip, just to make the (epic) journey worthwhile. :o) This particular weekend, I took Monday off work so that I could stay Saturday and Sunday night. We had the X-Factor final to watch, Chinese takeaway to eat, home-made apple crumble and double cream to savour and lots of talking to do.
___________________________________________________________

My train ticket doesn't cover me for the station near my parents' house, so I had to stop at the ticket office to get an extension on it. After queuing for a few minutes, the red light flashed a digit and I was instructed to "go to cashier number 1." Ticket office staff are a bit hit-and-miss. Some of them are lovely. Others, on the other hand, seem to have a deep-seated hatred for people and make me question my faith in humanity. I get to desk 1 and am greeted by a serious-looking black guy in his late 30s with chin to shoulder-length dreds and a Santa hat.

Showing him my ticket, I said, "Hi. I have a 1-3 travelcard, but I need to get a single ticket to London Bridge, please."

In a cracking Brummie accent he replied, "That's going to cost you extra I'm afraid, it's called a boundary extension and it will be £44." Completely straight-faced, not even cracking a smile.

For a nanosecond I believed him, until I remembered that the ticket should cost about £1.60. Doing my best impression of incredulity, I said, "£44??"

"Well, it's Christmas and I'm poor you see, and the kids need new shoes."

By now, his deadpan replies are cracking me up. I am worried I am going to be late and I just want a single ticket for the train that leaves in 2 minutes. But I am unable to keep a straight face. Laughing, I tell him, "I could buy them new shoes for less than £44!"

"I think you need to take me shopping! Oh come on, don't laugh, Mrs. Ebenezer! Single?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Me too." By now, I am just openly laughing out loud. "Oh come on, don't laugh. That's £1.30. Come on, give me your money." I hand over a tenner. He gives me the ticket and my change.

"If you see a black man in a Christmas hat, begging in the street, that'll be me!"

I am still laughing, so much that I can't even manage a witty reply, or indeed any reply at all.

"Oh don't laugh, I'll remember that."

"Have a good Christmas," I manage to say as I go to leave, still chuckling.

"Oh I'll try!"

I smile the whole train journey.

__________________________________________________________

Getting there, time was tight. I had to be at Liverpool Street station for 5.00pm. I am notorious for always running a tiny bit late. I'm not proud of it. I am also adamant that Claire exaggerates my lateness for dramatic effect whenever re-telling a story. She once said she got halfway through a film at the cinema on her own before I arrived. The true version of events was that because I was running late, she went in ahead of me to get seats. I got there during the trailers. Honest, guv'nor! Anyway, I digress. Originally I was told 5.15pm. Claire's mum wanted to watch Strictly Come Dancing at 6pm and wasn't leaving the house to collect us from the station once it had started. Fair enough. I'd have to leave my parents' house at 4pm. But the evening before, I couldn't remember what time we had agreed. I sent a text to confirm.

Me: What time are we meeting tomorrow? 5.15 or 6.15? Crucial difference!

Claire: 5.15. That's a Filipino time difference!

Me: True. But I'm a half-breed, so let's split the difference and I'll see you at 5.45?

We made it 5pm in the end. I was there at 5.03pm. Claire was impressed. There were supposed to be engineering works on the train line we needed, hence her meeting me at the station so we could take another route. We find the works have been cancelled. We go to the ticket office so I can get another extension ticket. I am used to my script by now.

"Hi. I have a 1-3 travelcard but I need a single extension to Harold Wood, please."

The guy at the ticket office is mid-40s, Indian and seems to be amused by me. At first I think it is me flashing my ticket and reeling off my request, but then he says, "Harold Wood? Why do you want to go to Harold Wood? There's nothing there!"

Claire is right next to me. I immediately point to her and say, "My friend lives there, thank you very much!"

"Oh. OK, other than your friend. There's nothing there."

We smile. I can't even think of a reply. I don't even know what is in Harold Wood. I only come to the back end of nowhere because Claire lives there. She is impressed by my loyal defense of it, even though she is the first to cuss my hood. Actually, so am I. We leave the ticket office, laughing at the notion that travelling to such a place was incomprehensible to him. These comedic station staff are clearly in the wrong career. They should be out there, entertaining people, making them laugh. Hmm, maybe they're in the right place after all.

Friday Fill-In #12

1. Friends are the family that you get to choose for yourself.

2. I am thankful for my and my family's good health; it's something that all the money in the world can't buy.

3. I'm ready for my close up. Actually, no I'm not, I currently have a huge spot on my chin. Begone, evil blemish!

4. The lovely smell of clean babies (like the cutest, quietest baby, my friend's son Joshua) is one of my favorite perfumes or aftershaves or smells.

5. The oldest ornament I have is probably older than me. I think it may be one of the African wood or ivory carvings my Dad has.

6. Take some chopped strawberries, pureed strawberries, crushed meringues and thick whipped cream, mix it all together and you have Eton Mess.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to practising some Christmas songs with my Mum and Sis, tomorrow my plans include singing 'Mary Did You Know?' at church and then going to Claire's house for our X-Factor Final sleepover extravaganza and Sunday, I want to record a duet with Claire so she can post it on youtube!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

One Of Those Days

5.00pm, we went to the gym.
Running late, feeling tired.
No sports bra! I knew I forgot something. Damn. Push-up bra it is.
Got ready, stuffed everything into a locker just to find the lock didn't work.
New locker. Enter pin. Not sure I entered it properly, but it locks.
Treadmill, 30 minutes.
Sweating like a biatch!
Doing weights with slightly unshaven armpits. Nice. There are guys opposite.
Back to changing room.
Get my stuff, jump into the shower.
Spend ages in there, in a daze.
Exit, try to open locker. Fail.
Try to open locker. Fail.
Try to open locker. Fail.
Red light flashing. Locker is locked.
In a towel. Wet. Blind. My glasses are in the locker.
Tell the Mrs (my work Mrs). Have to shout, as she is still in the shower. Most of the changing room hears. She laughs at me.
Feel completely paralysed without glasses. Am too tired for this. Sit down for a while. Go to the toilet to waste a bit more time.
Consider staying the night. At least I'll be early for work.
The Mrs comes out of the shower. We giggle in tired resignation.
Sneak up to the changing room door. Luckily there is a staff member outside having a chat. Male. Eek.
I lean around the door, trying not to lose the towel and gain more shame.
Help! "I've locked my..." "Locker?" He laughs. Will radio down.
Guy comes up. Into changing room. The other girls stare. Yes, sorry, it was me.
"Which one?" I point. He does the special code.
Locker opens. My underwear is there, in full view. Shame.
Get dressed. Already virtually dry from having sat in my towel for 10 minutes.
Bra is soaked with sweat from my run. Eew.
Go bra-less. Feel weird.
Leave. See bus driving past as I approach the main road. Always happens. Always happens.
Shake my fist, like some 50s throwback.
Resign to waiting 20 minutes. Another comes! Bye Mrs. I run. No energy. Bus passes.
Resign to waiting more than 20 minutes. Decide to walk to keep warm. Get to next stop. Nothing in sight, keep walking. Another passes me! Just my luck. Run, but get to stop seconds too late.
Third time lucky.
Put my tunes on. Am at the station in 15 minutes.
Wander aimlessly around station when I get there. Indecisive about food.
Decide on a bagel. Smile at bagel man. Salt beef, please. 40p extra for pickles! Salt beef ain't nothin' without pickles! That biz should come as standard!
2 minutes till next train. Decide to miss it, don't want to run again.
Platform takes an age to come up. Wolf down most of bagel.
Go get hot chocolate. Smile at barista. He asks if he can tempt me with food. He laughs when I am unable to answer "no" with my mouth full of bagel.
Platform up. Run for train. Have three bags, plus bagel in one hand, drink in other. How to hold ticket?
Get on train. Drop bag. Spill a little hot chocolate. Finish last bite of bagel.
Get home. Just miss stepping in a massive pile of poo near home! Lucky...
Drop off stuff. Get undressed. Get in bed.
My boy calls. Feel all warm inside. Am sad he is under threat of redundancy. Feel bad I am hard on him sometimes. Want him to be here.
Early night. Ish. Try and wind down. Thinking about my boy. Aching. Have run more today than in the past two weeks.
Tired! Lights out. Night night.

Wordle

There are a few words and thoughts swimming around my head. I'm unable to collect them into any discernable order at the moment. So I put them into Wordle and made a pretty word picture out of them instead:




Create your own at http://www.wordle.net/

The Fortress

You rebuilt the wall.
It took some time, but now it's done,
More or less.
But you're under attack
From the one who should defend you;
Misguided protection of the worst kind.
In he comes, on horseback,
All guns blazing, shooting from the hip;
He will save you, nothing to fear.
But you are not the princess,
You are not locked in the tower.
You are the tower, this fortress, the moat and its drawbridge;
All of this is you.
He tears down the defenses, not realising
He is tearing down a part of you.
Each time he returns is another time
He will destroy,
So you can rebuild.
Carefully repairing each breach, through the tears
Of your frustration.
Each new set of stones, each new foundation,
Each new joint and joist
Will be stronger this time around.
And when he next appears, on his mission of rescue
It will be harder to get past the guards,
Although you know he will.
But one day this citadel will be impenetrable,
Impervious, solid.
He will no longer be able to get in.
But maybe, you will not be able
To get out.

The Best Policy...?

I've been 'fessing up a lot lately. Not in the sense that I have done things behind someone's back, or have hidden crucial information from someone who had a right to know, or even that I bent the truth a little and wanted to finally come clean. No, I have been 'fessing up about me. Over the past month or so, I have revealed a few things about myself to people who are close to me: things that no-one else really knew or would even have suspected, things that perhaps they might have guessed but I hadn't admitted aloud, things that I have kept inside because I was too scared to say and things that I have only just discovered myself. I've always deemed it important to be honest, but at the same time, I'm not a person who wears every single bit of her heart on her sleeve. I am emotionally open to a point, but I do like to keep a little in reserve. As a self-defence mechanism I think it works pretty well, until, you know, it becomes a little detrimental.

Sometimes, holding back for no other reason than because you feel a little safer in doing so, doesn't make you safer at all. You may avoid that feeling of complete vulnerablility that comes as a result of opening up, but it's an odd little fortress you build when you start constructing walls around pieces of your heart. Lately I have felt a little embarassed or exposed after letting loose with personal confession. But to be honest, I have also felt a sense of relief. I am starting to believe that to be rejected because of exactly who I am is preferable to being accepted for being someone I am not.

I've put some pretty shoddy construction around my emotions over the years. It's been a difficult realisation that papering over the cracks just ain't gonna cut it anymore. Breaking down the barriers and reconstructing what lies beneath can be a slow and painful process. But until I accept my own imperfections, I can't really ever be fully open to allow another person to accept them. It's that old cliché that one cannot truly love or be loved until one learns to love one's self. I have decided that I am no longer going to be afraid of who I am. I have lots to work on, but at least I am aware of that. I am not going to be eaten up with insecurity. So what if letting my guard down makes me vulnerable? Some of the most fulfilling life experiences come as a result of risk-taking. There is always the possibility of failure, of not meeting expectations, of being hurt. But therein also comes the potential opportunity for success, for exceeding expectations, for being loved.

I am no longer running away. I am running towards something.

The Week in Review #4

This week was OK. I have the usual sense of relief, fatigue and confusion now that it's over. What did I get up to?

In summary, this week:

1. I got my hair did, care of my Mama, real poodle-tastic like. True to form, I was alarmed for approximately two days, sort of amused at my Sideshow Bob impression and am now happy the bitchin' hair is back. It has calmed down a tad.
2. I learned that unless you effectively communicate things within any relationship, you can sometimes think you are on the same page, only to find that you are actually reading from different books.
   
3. My Dad got discharged from hospital, two weeks after his hip replacement. They kept him in longer than we anticipated, but he is much better now, has his appetite back, is getting about on crutches and happy to be home.
4. I met up with my girl for an impromptu hot chocolate. She was having a bad few days and needed a chat. I was only too happy to oblige, not least because she has met me at the drop of the hat on more than one occasion, when I was on the verge of tears and in need of a hug! We spoke the evening away and both felt better afterwards. We of course found a moment or two to speak in silly accents and have a giggle about something amusingly stupid.
5. I had something pointed out to me by an objective observer that deep down I already knew, but hearing out loud from an outsider shocked and upset me to my core.
6. I learned that sometimes, history with another person doesn't make it necessary that you also share a future.
7. I got on a high horse a little and expressed some frank observations to a few people.
   
8. I met up for drinks and dinner with my old workmates and had a really nice evening. We laughed until all four of us were crying, throats were hurting, snorting occurred and bellies were doubled up.
9. I was a little shocked by some revelations I discovered about a few people, then had to reel in my opinions a little and not be such a judgey-pants.
10. I realised that if you decide to ask a question, you have to be prepared for the fact that the answer may not be what you wanted to hear.
    

An eventful week in some respects, a few lessons learned, as always. In three weeks' time I will be reviewing the week of Christmas!!! Then it will be time for the Year in Review...eek...

Friday Fill-In #11

1. Snowmen don't last very long because there aren't enough snowwomen around.

2. I'm looking forward to my X-Factor cuss-fest sleepover with The Mrs, my work Christmas lunch, Carol concerts, my non-Christmas family gathering, my Christmas family gathering, two weeks off work and my Boy's January visit (quite a lot there, I know)!

3. A really well-thought-out gift from someone who has taken the time to get to know you is the best kind of present ever!

4. One of my favorite old tv shows is Desmond's. To be honest, I haven't watched it since back in the day, so it may not have aged well, but I have really fond memories of it.

5. I'm done with feeling guilty for cutting a certain person out of my life.

6. The most enjoyable thing around the holidays is the prettiness of all the lights and decorations and the fact that people are (marginally!) nicer to each other than the rest of the year.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chillin' like a villain, tomorrow my plans include singing at our church and then being with my Dad at home and Sunday, I want to get budgeting, make some present lists and do that washing up that is severely overdue (gangsta)!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

In My Quest...

I got an email at work the other day, which started with the salutation:

"Greetings and well wishes in your quest to supporting the world."

Why thank you, you lofty herald of praise. OK, so the email was sent to several people; the sender was trying to get funding so was probably being extra nice and it was technically sent to my old supervisor, whose emails are now forwarded to my address, but I will take that greeting as directed specifically at me, lol. I hadn't really much considered my life of administration to be a "quest," much less one that is "supporting the world." But I think it's quite a nice way to see life.

What I did I do today to help "support the world?" I know it sounds cheesy, but if everyone tried to think this way now and then, instead of the selfish, uncharitable attitude that so many seem to have nowadays, maybe we'd get somewhere. Somewhere nicer, safer, more pleasant. It wouldn't have to be much, just something that makes your environment (physical, emotional, etc.) that little bit better. A small act like taking your litter with you, or using a bin (yes! A bin!) instead of throwing it in the street; letting someone on the bus ahead of you instead of barging past them in a bid to get on first; being patient when someone at work is having a bad day; cutting someone some slack instead of writing them off.

It's not that difficult. Treat others as you'd like them to treat you. None of us exists completely independently of anyone else. We still haven't learnt, after thousands of years, but you have to start somewhere, right? Just a thought.

Anyway, must dash. I have a quest to be getting on with...

100 things

Here are 100 things about me. I've been meaning to do one of these posts for ages. I've heard of people doing such a thing before. Apparently, it's quite the rage and rather enjoyable to participate in. Yeah, whatever, I was bored. Here goes!

1. I'm a girl. But I don't like to admit it sometimes. :o)
2. I live in the People's Republic of Londonia.
3. Generally, I think of myself as a city girl. But then I go on holiday to the middle of nowhere and feel like the country is the place to be.
4. For example, when I visit my Dad's home county in the north of England and see green hills, heather and sheep, I feel homesick.
5. You'll find I often contradict myself.
6. I can often see both sides to any argument, which can be infuriating.
   
7. On the whole, I don't much like fish. To eat. If they're alive, I'm slightly more fond of them.
   
8. I had a pet cat for 14 years and only realised about a year after she died that I'm slightly allergic to cats.
9. I find trees in full blossom during Springtime impossibly beautiful. I love magnolia trees. Spring is probably my favourite season.
   
10. But I do also quite like Winter.
11. And the Summer.
12. But Autumn is pretty cool, too.
13. I am somewhat indecisive.
14. But when I really love or hate something, I really do. Until I change my mind.
15. I think my patience is one of my best characteristics.
16. But to be honest, when I'm hungry or sleep-deprived, forget about it.
17. I enjoy my food.
18. There is always room for dessert. Even if I have to wait an hour for the main course to digest. Cheesecake, Tiramisu, Banoffee Pie...I could go on.
    
19. I will have phases of healthier eating, but I don't do diets. If I really want to eat something, I eat it. Done.
20. I'm not a natural carnivore. I generally like meat when it doesn't much remind me that it came from an animal. I am aiming for vegetarianism, but am currently managing to just eat less meat, with very little (if any) red meat.
21. Loyalty is very important to me. I hadn't realised I felt so strongly about this until relatively recently.
22. My family is a little crazy, but fantastic.
23. I am the youngest of my Dad's four children and my Mum's two.
24. I grew up with Big Sis. I also see a lot of Bigger Sis. Brother lives overseas.
    
25. I have a mixed heritage. I therefore like to refer to myself as a 'halfbreed.' This doesn't mean you're allowed to, though. :o)
    
26. I consider myself to be British. But I'm not passionately patriotic.
    
27. I am really quite girlie in some ways (emotional, sensitive, moody, giggly, etc.) but can be quite masculine about some things (blunt, practical, uncouth, messy, etc.) These are all stereotypical characteristics, you understand.
28. I am quite traditional in some ways. I think men and women (generally) have particular roles to which they are more suited, but should not be limited to. Each person is different.
    
29. I am relatively comfortable with who I am/what I look like, but I still poke fun at myself to cover my insecurities.
30. A sense of humour is something I find really attractive in a man. I do like comedic banter.
31. I go for personality over looks every time. But I won't lie, to have both would of course be perfect.
    
32. I do try to see the best in people, but am still quite sarcastic and cynical when I want to be.
33. That said, I am an optimist deep down. I just live in a pessimist's body.
34. I've had the same best friend, Claire (aka 'The Mrs.') for 11 years. She has been through so much in that time and is still standing. She rocks.
35. In the time we have been friends she has moved about 6 times. She lives further away from me than I think we'd both like.
    
36. I have a few other close friends. They are very special to me. It's definitely a case of quality over quantity.
37. I do wonder sometimes, however, if I missed out by not being part of a big crowd of friends at school. I suspect not.
38. I wear glasses and at times it really annoys me. I don't mind contact lenses and do wear them. But if I had the money I'd get my eyes corrected with microsurgery. Not laser surgery.
39. I'm not a fan of Facebook. People keep trying to persuade me to join. I have managed to resist thus far. I am tempted to relent, though. But now it's more about the fact that I said I'd never join.
    
40. I am annoyingly stubborn.
41. Mornings aren't really my best time of day.
    
42. I am somewhat a night owl. I am writing this at 1.45am when I have work in the morning.
43. I like to write song lyrics and poems. I find it cathartic. The same goes for blog writing.
    
44. At times, however, I do feel that this blog writing is a little self-indulgent.
45. Holidays are really important to me. I was privileged to have travelled to a large number of countries relatively early in life, before extensive foreign travel and taking a 'gap year' became trendy.
46. I still have a lot of places I want to visit, including South America, Zambia, South Africa, most of Asia, Australia and New Zealand.
47. Laziness is probably my worst characteristic.
48. I'd like to change this, but funnily enough, I'm too lazy to. I could probably have achieved great things by now, if I'd made the effort.
    
49. Sunsets are one of my favourite things in the world. I love a good pink sky.
50. I still have the baby blanket I've had since birth. I still sleep with it when it's cold at night.
51. My Mum takes an unnatural amount of photos for any given occasion. It used to annoy me. I now find I do exactly the same thing, but I love having so many pics to look through after a special occasion or holiday and being able to choose the very best ones.
52. I thought 100 things would be easy, but I'm only just past 50 and I'm starting to run out of ideas.
53. I would love a change in career. I don't think my line of admin can be classed as a 'career' in any case. I would love to do something that involves some element of creativity.
54. I love British humour. I love the deadpan sarcasm and downright silliness of it.
    
55. The IT Crowd rocks my socks (probably doesn't count as British though, since Graham Linehan is Irish). Richard Ayoade, who plays Moss, lives nearby me. At least he did, perhaps he's moved out of the ghetto (lol) now he's a bit more famous.
56. Womens' magazines get on my nerves. I used to read them a lot until I realised how indoctrinated they had made me. But I will have a flick-through, occasionally.
    
57. When someone uses the word 'self' unecessarily, ala Austin Powers ("Allow myself to introduce....myself") it never fails to crack me up. I really have to bite my lip not to say something. Sometimes I really do have to self-regulate myself, hahaha.
    
58. When it comes to hair, the look I go for is 'crazy bush woman.'
59. I like to take relatively good care of my appearance, but I am pretty low-maintenance.
    
60. I am in love with a guy who lives overseas.
    
61. We are (hopefully) meeting in January. I am a little nervous, in the best possible way.
62. My iPod has more memory than my laptop's hard disk drive. This machine is so archaic, I'd like a refund on the life minutes I have lost while waiting for it to load/download/shut down.
63. I wish I had a rich uncle who would buy me a new one.
    
64. And pay for the aforementioned eye surgery.
65. And pay off my debts.
66. And buy me some new clothes.
67. My wardrobe, however, has reached epic proportions and must be stopped. I love clothes and style, but when it comes down to it, I always end up erring slightly on the side of practical over beautiful, comfort over style. Might be something to do with #46.
68. I generally like things to be simple, involving as little effort as possible.
69. I quite like exercise, but I dislike team sports. I don't think I'm very good at them, so I tend to avoid them. I don't like to look silly.
70. Random and unexpected acts of kindness are not forgotten.
71. I am a Christian. I have strong beliefs and believe in high standards, but am well aware I am far short of them.
72. People who are narrow-minded and hate-filled but claim to be Christian really upset me.
73. I have never been on a proper date. I think this needs to change! Haha!
74. Hugs rock. I really like a nice big hug. But generally only from someone I know or like, obviously.
75. Big, bitchin' hair does it for me. I think curly hair is gorgeous. I've nothing against straight hair, though.
    
76. I'm not completely convinced that men and women can just be friends. I'm sure they can be in some circumstances, but I'm always suspicious of it. I know that's a little sad.
77. Girls can be rather bitchy and that gets to me. But I think most of it traces back to personal insecurity and awkwardness around each other. I find that using compliments or being self-deprecating usually works in getting girls on side. Shameful, but true.
78. On that subject, flattery works on me more than I'd like to admit.
79. Music is a big part of my life. I love to sing.
80. I would love to sing live in front of a large audience, just once.
81. But I get incredibly nervous, even if I don't feel it mentally. My body just seems to react involuntarily.
82. This is also the case with blood tests. I've realised I just don't like them; as much as I convince myself otherwise, my body just does not enjoy them.
83. I once fainted after seeing a real-life video on a mobile phone of a girl getting beaten up. I've learnt my lesson now with watching anything that I think will upset me and don't let my curiosity get the better of me.
    
84. I'm a bit of a spendthrift. I will have some savings one day. Honest.
85. Pretty things attract me.
86. If I'm not woken by something, I can sleep for an unnatural amount of time.
87. My bed is one of my favourite places to be.
88. I love London; the architecture is beautiful. I never fail to get enchanted by it.
89. Bright colours make me happy.
90. Tea can solve any problem. Or at least can pick me up slightly until I work out a solution. My favourites are regular black (English breakfast) tea, redbush (rooibos) tea, chai tea (latte from Starbucks) and peppermint tea (if made with fresh mint leaves and sugar, like they do in Turkish restaurant Tas).
91. Talking is not one of my weak points. I probably do it more than I should do.
92. Are you still reading this? Perseverance is something I admire.
93. Deep down, I have an adventurous spirit. I just haven't had the balls to do something incredibly adventurous yet.
94. Laughter really is the best medicine.
    
95. I really don't like moths. *shudder* I don't see the point of them, hate the ones with fat bodies and the fact that they turn into eye-shadow when you squish them. I kinda feel yukky talking about them.
96. I like to make silly gesticulations, like stroking my pretend beard when pondering and drumming my fingers on my lips when making important decisions.
    
97. If you type 'google' into Google, you can literally break the internet.
98. I just said that to use up a number. I quite like saying random things that baffle people.
99. Talking in random accents brings me much enjoyment. I also like embellishing words, like saying "shoccalatte" instead of "chocolate," adding the suffix '-atron' to words (e.g. "suffixatron") and making words sound French or Spanish for no good reason (e.g. you know "celebration" doesn't sound quite as good as "cele-bray-shio-nes"). I indulge in all four of these things with my friend Lisa quite often.
    
100. I quite like round numbers. Not to an anal obsessive-compulsive level. But I'm glad I got to an even 100.

The end!

Hospital Musings

Thankfully (and I don't say that lightly), I have never had to spend much time in hospitals. Other than a blood test or fifty (OK, slight exaggeration, but actually not that much) and a cast for a fractured ankle back in the day, I've never been in hospital myself. I've visited my Dad a few times over the years during his three hip operations, but I don't really remember spending as much time at the hospital as I have done this time. Maybe it's because I'm a bit older and have been visiting of my own accord, or perhaps I've been more observant this time around, but I have definitely seen a glimpse of how stressful and/or depressing spending lots of time in a hospital can be. I know my Dad is definitely ready to come home now, as evidenced by his lack of appetite with the hospital food, but his ability to wolf down loads of the home cooking my Mum brings when she visits, and his recent penchant for cracking even sillier jokes than usual and commenting he must be going a bit cuckoo. :o)

Here are a few little observations I've made during my numerous visits this past week and a half:

• Hospital toilets are hit-and-miss.
  This may seem like a trite observation, but when you're in the place for a few hours at a time, you'll inevitably need to go. Also, when you're particularly tired and getting somewhat bored, you start to notice completely insignificant things. Some I went in were pretty dire; Bigger Sis had been in them before me and thankfully warned me off a particularly heinous cubicle. However, another one I went in was completely lit with UV light, which felt disturbingly like I was using the bathroom of some trying-to-be-trendy club. It was also rather more disturbing that there was a digital display on the wall with the number '134' lit up in red, accompanied by a notice which explained:
  

  "Green light - minutes until next inspection
  Red light - minutes inspection overdue"

  Um...that would be slightly overdue then. A chart on the door had the times of cleaning inspections and a signature for each time, every two hours.
  Last clean signed for? 7.30pm.
  Time when I was in there? 6.05pm.
  Um...that would be a little inaccurate then. You know you're spending too much time somewhere when you start analysing how accurate the toilet cleaning times are.
  
  
• Having a member of the medical profession as a family member makes you:
  a.) painfully aware of any inadequacies in treatment, and
  b.) feel very awkward when such inadequacies are pointed out by said family member in a very direct way to the actual medical staff.
  As much as I appreciate and don't disagree with my Mum's medical knowledge (which gives her high expectations of the standard of care) and the fact that she is very protective of her family, I have never found a hospital floor so interesting as when she was brutally quizzing a doctor on his questionable explanations of treatment.
  
  
• Some hospital staff are way better than others.
  For example, aforementioned doctors who fob people off with crap explanations for their medical decisions; nurses with bad attitudes who talk over the patient and then proceed to argue in front of them with their colleagues who have simply asked for an explanation of what medication they have administered and why; nursing assistants who move so slowly that if you needed the toilet and asked for a portable urinal, it would probably be quicker to order one on the internet than wait for them to go and fetch one.
  
  
• I'd be a very bad patient.
  Stubbornness runs in my family; I can totally see myself in my Dad. He's stubborn as hell and generally doesn't like being told what to do, won't make a fuss even when he's uncomfortable or unhappy, is independent and likes doing his own thing as and when he wants to. I'm praying I never have to spend much time in hospital. God help the nursing staff if ever I do...
  
  
• Hospital canteens do great cake and custard.
  A guilty pleasure that takes me straight back to primary school. Yes, you can get takeaway. And the canteen is open till midnight! I might have to make a detour there when I'm next coming home late...
  
  
• Shop and canteen staff vary in their genuine friendliness.
  One guy looked like the Bangladeshi version of Diego Maradona, and was quite delighted when my Mum pointed this out to him, engaging us in friendly banter and giving my Mum the NHS discount (cake and custard and a discount? Woo hooski!) and then saying "Hello madam," when he later saw us in the corridor. Another guy was extra friendly to us when he found out Mum was from the same country as him. He let me and Big Sis off 16p when we didn't have enough change (or 'country-person discount' as I like to call it), but when I went there later on my own and had my guard down, he tried to chat me up, asking for my number as if I owed him that for the 16p he wouldn't let me pay back. (No, he didn't get it.)
  
  
• This list has got rather long and pointless and isn't really about hospitals any more.
  I told you spending too much time in these places makes one notice stupid things that would otherwise seem completely insignificant. I can only imagine how my Dad must feel. Hopefully he's coming home in the next couple of days. I really hope so. Mostly so that he can get better in the comfort of his own home, but additionally so I won't be tempted to write any more ridiculously random blog posts.
  

Curltastic

I should have learnt from the incident with the scissors. But I'll admit, I was being a bit harsh on my Mum's hairdressing skills. I never usually like my hair when it's just been cut or curled. I need a few days or a week or so for it to calm down and me to get used to it and then I usually love it. In addition to the scissors, my Mum also has curlers. Danger! So she permed my hair for me, as she has done several times before now. I much prefer having curly-ish hair to my usual 'straight with an annoying obstinate kink' locks. I am also fantastically lazy and can think of a thousand more exciting things to do than spend time styling my hair in the morning (namely sleep), which is what I'd have to do to get my hair how I like it, if my hair was au naturel. Since I much prefer having hair that I can just wash and leave be, curling it works for me. So I am not complaining. I asked my Mum to do my hair and she willingly obliged, even though it takes ages and she doesn't even request payment for it. My Mum has skills. But until the curls have calmed down and it has grown out just a tiny bit, the truth is that I look a bit like Kate Humble.











Only with much darker hair. And a bit more beige, obviously. This is not such a bad thing I suppose. Maybe this would be more accurate:


The crazy bush woman look is back, baby.

The Week in Review #3

Wowza. I don't know where this week went. I am absolutely shattered. It is late and I should be catching up on the several hours I am now lacking in sleep, but instead I am up, listening to a sermon about the law of God on DVD and trying to remember exactly what my existence consisted of this week! Dazed and confused.

OK, so my week (if I remember it) in review:

1. I lost my memory. I honestly don't remember half of this week, at least not in detail. My days have mostly consisted of getting up late, going to work (just about) on time, leaving work a little early, going straight to the hospital to see my Dad, trying to get a bite to eat on the way to or from the hospital and then going home, trying to relax for a bit and sleeping much later than I should have. By Tuesday, it felt like it should be Friday, which could only lead to 3 days of disappointment until it actually was Friday.

2. I had a rubbish work week. I didn't go to work on Monday; I was feeling under the weather and couldn't face it. I just needed a rest. When I went back to work on Tuesday, I realised that Monday had been a payment deadline and my absence meant I had missed handing in some forms that really should have been submitted in order for some payments to go through on time. The day kinda went downhill from there. I was feeling down about some other stuff and the combination made 2 and 2 equal 54. I picked myself up a little but just couldn't get motivated about being there. On Thursday, after a nice conversation with my Boy the night before, I went in feeling positive and chirpy. Mid-morning someone from another department called me and berated me about something I hadn't done. She literally told me off, non-stop for about 2 minutes, not even giving me the opportunity to explain, defend myself or apologise, before she hung up. I felt about 8 years old and honestly was close to tears. I so don't get paid enough for this.

3. I had a couple of good moments in an otherwise crap work week. After the telling-off episode yesterday, I had my weekly one-to-one meeting with my boss. I knew that I was partly at fault for not getting this thing done sooner, but the reaction seemed to exceed the severity of the problem. My boss got somewhat defensive on my behalf. She ended up sending an email that was firm but fair, not really taking or apportioning blame, but making it clear that we are understaffed, that I am taking on responsibilities that are above and beyond my current grade, and that any other such complaints or comments should come through her. I know she's my boss and she's supposed to do that, but it was nice to have someone stick up for me for a change.

After the restrained excitement of learning that my Boy was planning to come and see me in January, I realised my statement of "just let me know what dates you're coming and I'll book them off at work now, it's not a problem," was maybe a little hasty. When I got back to work I realised his planned trip was right on what is probably the biggest deadline I have to deal with all year. Oops. This year it fell during my second week in this job and I didn't know what hit me. We were processing over 400 applications, checking eligibility, collating their documents, scanning said documents, saving the files and getting all the eligible applications to departments for short-listing, within a week or so of the deadline closing. I couldn't really see how taking 3 days off work during that week would be allowed, but I had decided we needed to plan ahead either way to streamline processes and spread the work out over the next month and a half, rather than leaving so much till the deadline hit. But my boss came through for me again. She was pretty cool about it. This may have something to do with the fact that she wasn't here this time last year, but I am glad she is so laid-back at times. I also love the fact that she is well aware that life comes before work. I hate bosses that are overly obsessed with their jobs and expect the same crazy dedication from everyone else. As soon as she said it would be OK, I put it straight on my leave card. I want it in writing, before anyone can change their mind!

4. I had moral support in bucket loads. My colleagues and I started a little tradition a few months ago. Every pay day (once a month), we order pizza for lunch, delivered to our office. We call it 'Pay Day Pizza' and you'd be surprised at how much joy it brings, no joke. Pay day was Monday of this week. Pay day and Pizza on a Monday! Just what you need. Only problem was I was off sick. My lovely workmates waited till I came back to work on Tuesday to order pizza. I thought it was really sweet of them. It may also have been because then the cost was split 4 ways instead of 3. But I'm going to stick to the former, so humour me. :o)

Pizza aside, Tuesday was an otherwise not-so-good day. In urgent need of moral support, I emailed my friend. After an encouraging reply, she told me to meet her for a quick drink after work, because she wanted to give me a big hug! So I did and she did, as promised. We sat in Starbucks, hot chocolate and chai tea latte in hand and had a nice chat. I had to rush off to visit Dad after that, so I think we only had about an hour, but I felt so much better. I really am grateful for great friends. She continued to check up on me through the week, sending me quick emails to say hi and see if I was OK, and then lovely long essays (lol) in response to my paragraphs of ranting and advice requests. We got a bit soppy and expressed how glad we both were that we have stayed in touch since I left my old workplace. Sometimes you make a great friendship with a person in a specific circumstance, but when that situation changes, the friendship falls off too. That hasn't happened with us and I think I may have made a friend for life. That girl rocks.

The Mrs. gave me her own brand of moral support, which was no-nonsense but lovely as usual, but also included huge doses of laughter. She never fails to crack me up, even when she has her own difficult stuff going on. We spoke, we laughed, we dissected, we cussed, we analysed. She ain't my Mrs. for nothin'. Love her.

5. I remembered that boys will be boys. I think I probably give my Boy a bad rap on here. He is lovely and understanding and knows how to deal with my shocking moodiness (haha). But sometimes, girls and boys just have different ideas on moral support. He asked how I was and I told him I had been feeling really tired and run-down and that my Doc had told me I'm low on iron. His response? "So get more iron." Thank you for that ground breaking advice, Doctor. The next day he ended our phone conversation by joking about something that I didn't find funny, especially because of my sensitive mood. The day after, he was in a stupid mood and was being silly when I needed some TLC. In fairness, he wouldn't really have known how I was feeling since I didn't explicitly express it, but when you're having the first proper conversation you've had all week, it's hard to start it with "I'm feeling crap, I'm unable to laugh and be nice right now, I need you to fuss over me." It seems a little self-indulgent sometimes.

Anyway, after us talking for a while and me trying to feel happier but instead feeling that I was just tolerating his silly mood, I felt really down for no specific reason. I tried to go to sleep but lay there in tears, partially out of inexplicable sadness and partially my frustration at feeling such sadness for no identifiable reason. I ended up calling him again and for a change, instead of expecting him to psychically deduce my mood and act accordingly to cheer me up (!) I actually told him how I feel and what I needed him to do. Within 10 minutes he had calmed me down, made me feel better, helped me to focus on the positive things and wished me sweet dreams, with me feeling much happier and more relaxed. I went to sleep being reminded why he means so much to me. I know sometimes us girls want a guy to just know how we're feeling, or what we need at a particular time, but I'm realising how silly it can be to get annoyed with them if they don't just 'get' it. If you never tell them, how will they know? I've been told that generally men don't pick up on the subtleties. If you tell them in great detail and they still don't get it? Then I guess that's the time to start worrying.

6. I slept like the dead. I didn't really get enough sleep through the week, which I know is not helping my health or my mood. But I sure made up for it at the weekend. I think I had about 10 hours sleep on both Friday and Saturday night, sleeping through without properly waking the whole time. I think maybe I was meant to be a hibernatory animal. Or at least a cat.

I think that's about it. I always do these posts as a review, which should really be a summary of the week. A summary suggests a short round-up, but I always seem to end up writing a tome of epic proportions. In fact, I started this post on Friday and am now finishing it on Sunday evening. I obviously have a problem with brevity. God bless you if you're still reading at this point. I've kinda switched off myself and I'm writing it! Hey-ho, on to another week, whatever it may bring...

Friday Fill-In #10

This is the 100th Friday Fill-In!

1. My stomach muscles are killing me from my gym escapade yesterday. I don't mind my tummy, generally. But while I understand the notion of 'no pain, no gain,' I am feeling much more pain than I am seeing gain so far...
2. Comfort food is what I ate the most of on Thursday. I actually had roast turkey, roast potatoes and sweetcorn with cranberry sauce and gravy at work yesterday. But the best thing was a chunky vegetable soup/stew my Mum made that took me right back to childhood.
3. The yard is apparently the outside space at the front or back of your house...my Boy laughs at me when I call it the 'garden.'
4. Not at work is where I'd rather be at any given time.
5. The smell of mints mixed with the vague aroma of cigarette smoke and a whiff of comforting old ladies' perfume reminds me of my old piano teacher's house! I loved that lady.
6. Extra sleep and lots of it is what I need right now! (I seem to say it every week, but it's always true.)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing my Dad and then staying at the 'rents house, tomorrow my plans include going to church, visting Dad and watching the X-Factor while getting my hair did (curls rock my world, lol) and Sunday, I want to attend my last Bible course, feel bad that I didn't actually finish all the assignments, put some stuff to sell on eBay and finish writing that song that has been in progress for a few months!

Friday Fill-Ins come courtesy of Janet. Click the button to play too!

I'd Like To Thank...

So apparently, it's some sort of 'Thanksgiving' day in the ol' USA today. Or, as my Dad described it when I told him this was the case, "Oh, it's their turkey time today, is it?" :o)

I am a little sad today, because I know my guy is celebrating with his family and I wish I could be there to share it. Aside from the American historical aspect, I love the idea of Thanksgiving. It's such a simple thing, but I like the notion of a day set aside for being with your loved ones, to take stock of all the aspects of life that are special, to remember what you are grateful for and express appreciation for it.

So, although I don't have the privilege of a whole weekend off in which to do this (I'm not bitter), I thought some thanks of my own were in order. So, this year, what am I thankful for?

• The fact that this year is nearly over. This might sound a terribly negative first point to make, but it has been an odd sort of year. I have had the usual peaks and troughs of contentment, have faced a steep learning curve at times and have done some growing up, I think. It hasn't necessarily been easy or enjoyable, but I'm further along than I was at the top of the year. And for that, I am thankful.
  
  
• My relationships. I know everyone says they are thankful for their friends and family, but I am specifically thankful for the developments in my relationships this year so far. I think I have got to know myself a little better this year, which has enhanced the way I respond to situations and interact with those around me. I feel I have grown closer to those already close to me and got to know some wonderful people I didn't know before.
  
  
• Moral support. I don't have a huge circle of friends, but the people in my life sure are there for a reason. I have fantastic sisters. I have a best friend I sincerely love. I have close friends that have proved indispensable to me, that I appreciate dearly. Sometimes you don't realise how many supportive people you have in your life until you suddenly find you really need the support. I needed support this year and I am so thankful for how much I actually have.
  
  
• Creative outlets. Writing can be such a therapeutic exercise. I am thankful that at times when I am unable to express something verbally, or deal with it practically, the words on the page allow the catharsis I need.
  
  
• Answered prayers. I am sorry to admit that I haven't been faithful to God in my actions this year. I have been rebellious, stubborn-headed and obstinate. I've wrestled with a few issues and feelings. But I've spoken to Him about it, through my tears and disappointments and contrition. I am so thankful that God is not only patient with me, but when I have sincerely asked for help for others as well as myself, He has come through for me, on several occasions. There is nothing I have done to deserve God's love and blessings. How could I ever be unthankful for that?
  
  
• Random meetings. My Boy and I met unexpectedly, in random circumstances, at a fortuitous time. It's cliché I know, but I do believe everything occurs for a reason. I don't much believe in coincidence. Being in a long-distance relationship has been a real challenge at times, has brought me to tears, has been difficult and frustrating (I've made that sound terrible! Haha), but I don't regret it. Despite the difficulties, we have many more reasons to stick at it. I will avoid getting all soppy here! All I will say is that I am so thankful I met that man.

I could carry on this list of thanks for a while longer, but I wouldn't want a blog post so long that it had you feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude when it was finally over. :o) In any situation, there is always something to be thankful for, huh?

To all my American buddies...Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Little Things

Today was a tough day in some respects. Work has me on a low again. On days like this you have to cling to whatever you can to get through it. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference. These are the things that got me through the day:

- Getting a heart put in the froth of my hot chocolate
- Payday pizza for lunch (me and my workmates order in pizza every payday as a treat)
- Trying apple Lucozade for the first time (dirty, I know, but it was a treat)
- Winter sunshine (it's freezing at the mo, but I can take the cold as long as the sun is shining)
- Big jumpers (it's never usually cold enough here to wear them, but it is this year)
- Friends who give big hugs (a big hug never fails to make me feel better)
- Moral support by email (virtual hugs at the touch of a button)
- Meeting at Starbucks for a quick chat (sometimes all you need is an hour to talk things over and you're ready to face the world again)
- Seeing my Dad (always nice to see him, but also good for me to remember that other people have problems too, lol)
- Catching up with the Mrs. (never too busy for a nice long phone chat)
- Tea and chocolate digestives (a classic comfort pick-me-up)

Sometimes, the little things make all the difference.

When I left work, I was going to meet my friend for a quick drink before going to visit my Dad. So I checked my phone to give my friend a quick call. I had a text from my work colleague who had left work a little earlier than me. The text said: "There is a ladies shoe by the tube station entrance. How can you not know you've lost your shoe??" I texted her back, having a chuckle to myself at the utter randomness of such a necessary item discarded like that. I started to text my other friend and carried on walking as I did so, rummaging in my bag and therefore not really looking where I was going. As I walked, I felt something soft beneath my feet. Before you jump to conclusions, it felt like some sort of material. My foot got hooked on it and I tripped up a little. Since I carry my scarf and my gloves in my bag when I'm not wearing them, my first thought was that I had dropped one of them during my over-enthusiastic rummaging. Although I was still on campus, the street lights were fairly dim and as I looked down at my feet to identify the tripper-upper, I had to bend slightly to get a closer look. Imagine my confusion and horror as my closer inspection revealed the offending article to be...pants. No, not my scarf, or a wayward glove, but pants! Men's pants! No, my American friends, not trousers. Undergarments! I was unable to withold my disgust and let out an audible "Ugggghhhh!!!" I had tripped over street pants! Why were they there? Had they been used? My foot felt violated! I had been curious as to how someone could lose a shoe without noticing, but pants?

Sometimes, the little things make all the difference.

Winter

The leaves have curled and fallen;
The trees have closed for winter.
Low rays of sun strain through the frosty haze.
The cold anaesthetises all feeling, until upon exhalation
Visible breath reminds me I am alive.
A blanket of white covers a multitude of sins:
The dingiest city street transformed into a greetings card scene;
A million tiny particles unite as a quilt, to keep the city warm.
Each flake of snow exists in its own space and time,
Never seen before, never to come again.
A crystal for each life on earth, every one unique.
Bare branches silhouette against the sky's pale blue,
Like hands stretching towards the heavens,
Clasping at clouds and teasing out snow,
Until their covering returns.
As the nights draw closer, so we too adhere,
Drawing in for warmth of form and feeling.
The icy frost crunches beneath our feet,
While snowflakes softly bless our crowns,
A gentle kiss with each soft touch.
The cycle of time provokes our retrospect,
Yet hints at what is yet to come:
All has slowed and sleeps until the year awakes with renewed hope.
From this frozen framework growth will spring,
Just like the eponymous season.

No Good Advice

I need to prefix this post by saying that I'm no Dr. Phil. I'm no Jeremy Kyle, either (haha, if I were, I probably wouldn't have any friends and this post would be unnecessary, but I digress...). I'm not completely inept at being there for my friends, i.e. listening, giving hugs at appropriate moments, talking things through, asking questions, trying to offer suggestions for solutions, attempting to give an objective opinion or just saying "what an IDIOT!" or "you're completely right," as and when necessary.

However, of late, my 'good advice' radar seems to have been on the blink. After talking to the Mrs. about overcoming some fears, I decided to use the ol' reverse psychology trick. I only did this because I know how inexplicably well it seems to work on me. Even when someone actually says, "I'm telling you to do this because I know you'll do the opposite," it still works. I have a simple brain. Anyway, "That'll work," I thought, "I'll tell her that she shouldn't do it. Then she most certainly will do it. This plan is faultless!" Um, yeah. Not quite. Instead, she agreed with my faux advice and decided I was right. Damn. Backfired! Abort! Abort the mission! Missed target #1.

Somehow, between the advice and the event, she went ahead with it. It was a disaster. We caught up by text message the next day. I kept asking questions to figure out what had happened. I made my own conclusions about what had gone wrong and told her what I thought would be the best course of action. We exchanged several texts, with me bombarding her with all my best ideas on how to move the situation forward. Then it suddenly occurred to me, I hadn't even asked her how she felt. I had completely bypassed the glaringly obvious question of "What do you want to do about this? How do YOU feel?" Unbeknownst to me, she didn't even want to move the situation forward. She was reading my texts thinking, "Thanks for for the advice, but....what?" Slow on the uptake, after sending probably my sixth irrelevant advice-laden text, I realised my mistake and messaged, "Hang on, how do you actually feel about this???" She called me and laughed at my delayed realisation. Erm...missed target #2.

So in conclusion, I've decided to put my advice-giving on hold until I actually know what I'm talking about. We now have a running joke about me giving crap advice and ill-advised reverse psychology. We joked about me having missed a career direction as a counsellor, or that perhaps I should have been a hostage negotiator, or one of those specialist police officers that talks people down from buildings:

Them: "There's nothing to live for any more! I'm going to jump!"
Me: "Yeah, you're probably right. I think you should do it."
Them: [Jumping] "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Me: "I was just reverse-psychologising you! Did it work? Oh. Too late."

Maybe a career change is in order. You too can have a friend like me! Leave your predicaments or requests for counsel in the comments box. Can I go back to bed now please?

The Week in Review #2

It seems I never have quite enough time to write in the week, but I seem to get a quiet moment on a Friday to at least look at the week in retrospect. The days and weeks are blurring into one long mass of quickly-passing time, so I've found it quite useful to take stock on a regular basis and check my progress. My mind state has really changed in seven days. The week has passed so quickly that it seems like an age since writing this time last week. So, what happened this week?

1. I saw the English Pastor we knew when I was little. He baptised and married my Big Sis, but lives in Cyprus now. To me, he sums up everything I think a good minister should be - genuinely caring about people, personable, knowledgeable, spiritually and Biblically grounded, open-minded, humble, never too busy to have a quick chat, asks 'how are you?' and really wants to know the answer, a good hugger...I could go on. Sometimes I don't like seeing people who have known me since I was a child, because there's almost more pressure for you to have grown 'into' somebody, to have achieved great things. But it was lovely to see him. He said he was very proud of Big Sis and me. When we asked why, I got a little choked when he said, "You're good people."

2. I went to a seminar on Small Groups ministry, led by the aforementioned Pastor. It was really interesting and inspiring. In the past five years I have moved away from big churches and have been really blessed by attending small church groups, where you can really get to know other people and get involved. It has been a crucible at times; I have been challenged for sure. But I think I have grown spiritually as a result. It's encouraging to know that the apostles met in houses, not in 500-strong congregations. I learnt a lot and hope to put the ideas into practice over the coming year.

3. I got my hair cut by my Mum (yes, mums have scissors). It is a good few inches shorter than before. It wouldn't be so bad if I could tie it in a ponytail without a big bit right by my ear falling down all the time because it doesn't quite reach the hairband. But it was free. It was a free haircut and not as bad as I am making out. I generally think I'm not that vain, but things like this make me wonder otherwise...

4. I made a decision to end my long-distance relationship. I knew it would be difficult, but I thought it would be best for several reasons, including for my own slightly turbulent mindstate. My decision was mainly about the circumstances of our relationship, not the affection. I had many reasons for it and talked them over with my confidants. We hadn't been in touch for a week and my mind was set. But then I got on the phone to him and realised how strong my feelings for him are. My throat choked. He was in shock. He couldn't cope with the information. He sensed something different in my voice that said I didn't want to talk about it, my mind was made up. He didn't want this to end. He needed to think on what I had said. The conversation ended with a "to be continued." I felt miserable. Suddenly, my concrete decision was crumbling like century-old plaster. Did I seriously want to do this? I honestly wasn't sure any more.

Next day, we talk again. He understands. He accepts the reasons I had given for my unhappiness as completely valid. He knows things have to change. He wants them to change. He will respect my decision if I am still set, but senses I am not. He will give me some time if that is what I need. But we talk about things and after some discussion, he decides he is coming to see me. Unless I really don't want him to, of course. But I do, there is no question. My reaction tells me that I don't want to give up on this just yet.

5. My Dad was admitted to hospital for a second hip replacement. He had been scheduled to have it last month, but on the day of the operation, his blood pressure was too high. The anaesthetist didn't want to take any unnecessary risks and so it was postponed. Last time he was admitted, Bigger Sis was on holiday with friends in Washington D.C. I know she felt anxious, not being there. This time around, she was there. Me, Mum, Bigger Sis, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law were all there with him as he got settled in to his private room. Yes, a room on a ward for just one patient, with his own toilet, no less! On the NHS! Things have definitely improved over the past 10 years. Labour can take credit for that one, I suppose. :o)

It has been getting noticeably colder of late. The radiator in the room was on full blast and since we were all dressed for the outdoors, we were sweltering. Dad decided to change into something more comfortable. He took his shirt off and had a vest on underneath. It was a little weird at first because we were all standing around in this room, that was relatively small for six people to be standing in, and so we were just stood there awkwardly, watching him. As he started to take his vest off, we simultaneously started humming stripper music. Dad started doing a little dance and swung his vest around his head a few times. We all fell about laughing. I love my family. It doesn't matter what the situation is, we always seem to find something silly to laugh at.

The operation was successful, by the way. He'll be out and galloping about with his stubborn self, real soon. :o)

6. I went to the Doctor for the results of my blood test. I am iron-deficient again. This might be why I am feeling tired, but now I don't know if I'm just noticing the tiredness because I've been told about it. I almost wish I hadn't been told. Now I have an excuse for being lazy.

7. I tried to help the Mrs. get over a little fear she has. I realised that fear is endemic. It made me think that at some time or another, we all miss out on little life experiences and even joys because of fear. Sometimes we pretend we have a fear of failure, when really, failure is a comfort zone and we are actually afraid that we might succeed. What would we do then, in such uncharted territory?! We might actually find happiness(!)

We all have that instinctive 'fight or flight' mechanism when adrenaline kicks in, in response to a challenging situation. I wonder if we all fall into one of these personality categories: a 'fight' or 'flight' person? Some of us will meet any situation that remotely threatens us by coming out, all guns blazing. Some of us will react to any such situation by getting out of there as quickly as possible. However, sometimes we have to act contrary to type, if we want to get anywhere. We will meet a challenge that requires us to face it head-on, rather than run in the other direction, as much as we desperately want to. Or we may be put into a corner and will want to confront the situation and push our way out of there, when we really need to back down and even retreat completely. It may be difficult, it may go against our instinctive reaction, it may be damn well near impossible, but it is the only way to grow.

So, lots of lessons learned this week. A few tears shed, many smiles and sighs shared, and prayers answered.

We're getting closer to December. Good gracious. November, where did you go?