The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...?

This Christmas is a very odd one.  It's the first one without Dad.  It has crept up on me because I only went back to work after about four months on sick leave two weeks before, so hadn't been out and about noticing all the Christmas lights, decorations and build-up begin.

On Saturday, Mum, Big Sis, Bro-in-Law and I went to a Christmas sing-a-long concert at the Royal Albert Hall.  I was feeling decidedly unfestive when we arrived.  But it ended up being good fun and made me feel a little bit more Christmassy than I had been.  Mum had a voucher for dinner at the Hilton, so we went there afterwards and had a nice dinner in the Hawaiian-themed restaurant.  The fruit cocktails were lovely, I would  love to go there another time and have some of the rum ones!  After the meal, we went home and I threw some stuff into a bag so I could go back with Mum to hers.  That's when I found out that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't going to Mum's for Christmas.

My family has never made a huge fuss over Christmas, but we've always at least had a gathering and lunch or dinner together.  It's become notably less and less important in recent years, which I think is a shame.  I really dislike how commercial Christmas has become and how irrelevant half of the things people worry about are.  But I like the fact that we have one day where everything stops, shops are closed and people are encouraged to get together, spend time in each other's company, watch old films and fun TV, have a nice meal as a family/group and buy each other gifts if they so wish to.  This year, Mum said that Big Sis and Bro-in-Law weren't obliged to come, partly because Big Sis has been spending time with Mum and they also went away to Lanzarote for a week a couple of weeks ago, and she thought she needed to spend some time with her husband!  That's the benefit of being legally bound to another.  Us singletons don't get a free pass to spend time alone, or with friends.

Basically, today has been a non-day, highlighted by the fact that everyone else is talking about their gatherings and Christmas dinners and presents and so on.  Today I have sat on the sofa since 11am, watching TV.  Mum has been sat in the armchair next to me doing the same.  I've intermittently been on my laptop, her on her iPad.  We haven't spoken all that much.  We don't often want to watch the same things, although I don't mind some of the things she puts on.  I felt like going upstairs to read or watch things online, but it felt a bit rude.  There were no presents, no special meal.  There are no Christmas decorations up.  Everything just feels empty and dead.  Now and then either or both of us would be crying, but not really acknowledging it in the other person.

I have retreated into my shell again, not talking to people because it's easier to hold things in and deal with them on my own than open up and not be understood.  Mum frequently makes comments about losing a spouse being much worse and more intense than losing a parent.  While I agree that is true to a degree, it feels like she has a monopoly on grief.  Every now and then she says the same things about how she feels, her own guilt, her own 'if onlys', etc.  I want to listen and reassure her, but it feels like a broken record.  I don't have enough emotional energy of my own to tell her it's OK.  Going over what we could have done differently doesn't help me in my own grieving process.  It's personal to her, as a wife, as a nurse, as my Dad's full-time carer for 18 months.  I want to remember the positive things about my Dad, the good memories I have.  Mum says she keeps having to remember how he was at the end, almost to reassure her that it was the right time for him to die, that he was unwell, weak and uncomfortable.  I had already accepted that my Dad was going to die.  His existence as a fraction of the human being he was made me feel uncomfortable and upset.  It still hurt so much when he died, but I can't deny the part of me that was relieved that his suffering and also my Mum's non-stop effort with caring had come to an end.  Part of my Mum's grief is occasionally going over what more she could have done, which is very specific to her.  I can't imagine dealing with the loss of someone who was your companion for 31 years.  But I know what it's like to lose my father of 30 years and it's painful.  Hypothetically, my Mum could find another companion.  But I can't find a new father.  I may find a new father figure, I may have a father-in-law some day, but the father who raised me, whose DNA makes up my own, whose character and influence moulded me into who I am today, that can't be replaced.

I feel like now my Dad has gone, I've lost an ally.  The family dynamic has changed.  My Mum and Big Sis have got more and more alike in recent years.  It's only now that Dad has passed away that I feel like a third wheel at times.  I liked similar things to my Dad.  I think I'm probably a bit more cynical, more realistic/negative, less religious, less strong in faith - all things my Dad was in some ways.  I frequently feel like I'm the odd one out in my family now.  It's something I never expected, probably because I never noticed it before, because Dad was always there to balance things out.

Today, I've felt more and more sad as the day has gone on.  It's the first time since immediately after my Dad died that I've really felt like crying and have done so.  I've felt pangs of jealousy at people who are having traditional Christmas family get-togethers.  I've felt resentful of people who are moaning about things they could probably be a little more grateful for.  I've felt isolated, lonely and misunderstood.  I've felt loss twice over - the loss of my Dad, and the loss of Samson, who I could always go to when I felt sad, even if I didn't know the reason.  I've felt lost and even more sad because finding that kind of understanding in a person is relatively uncommon.  Building up that sort of trust, where I'd feel comfortable enough to talk to someone when I feel low, takes time.  I fear I won't find it again.  Or more likely, that I won't trust enough again to open up sufficiently to develop that kind of relationship.  It just feels like no-one understands.  I have hardly any appetite at the moment.  I'm having one meal and a snack a day.  I have no money again and only got paid five days ago.  There just never seems to be an end to this perpetual cycle of sadness at the moment.

It feels like as I get older, birthdays and Christmas just highlight all my sadness even more.  I think this is part of why I want to settle down, find someone who is my partner for life, who is with me against the world, and start my own family.  So I can start my own traditions, have my own celebrations, do things in a way that will make me happy.  I'm fed up of being the reliable, go-to person for my family to rely on to go along with what they want, because I'm too emotionally retarded to be able to say no.  I'm fed up of being someone who people come to for advice, when they are feeling down or in need of reassurance, when they need someone to be there, but not being able to support me in my own times of sadness.  This is what happens when you get used to holding your own feelings back and putting on your 'strong' face for the world.  Even those closest to you can't tell the difference between the mask and your real face anymore.  You can't let the barriers down even when you want to.

A Non-Day

It's been a bit of a non-day, to be honest. After Mum, Big Sis and Bro-in-Law left for the graduation, I got up, cleaned my teeth and washed my face. I brushed the very sore gum surrounding my last obstinate wisdom tooth with salt, then rinsed my mouth and gargled with salt water for my sore throat, before I returned to bed for a bit to see what was on TV and to start a blog post. After a bit, I went downstairs to get some breakfast, but took some dirty clothes with me to put in the machine to wash. I wanted to have a soak in the bath at some point, so put the heating on and then I washed up the saucepan and the few bowls, mugs, cups and cutlery that were in the sink, while my bread turned to toast in the toaster and the kettle boiled. I made tea, buttered my toast and spread some marmalade on it, then took it upstairs so I could eat it while watching TV. I did some writing, checked some emails, paid a couple of bills, listened to some music which I could do without worrying about disturbing anyone for a change, then decided I was ready for a bath.

It was already lunchtime, but I wasn't living by a to-do list today for a change and was more concerned with making sure I got enough rest so that I felt well enough for work tomorrow. I ran the bath with some bath oil and foam, then got in for a soak. The water was hot but just enough for me to comfortably have a soak in. I could feel it was getting steamy in there but I didn't feel much like rushing. I used some hot oil treatment on my hair, then shampooed and rinsed. I heard my phone start ringing from my bedroom. It was probably The Mrs. It was unlikely to be anyone else. I slathered conditioner on my freshly-rinsed hair, before getting ready to give my skin a good scrub. It was around this time that I started feeling light-headed. At first I thought it was just a bit too hot in there, so I opened the bathroom door a little (another perk of being home alone). But I started to feel sick and weak and had the horrible feeling that starts to come before you faint (a feeling I am all too familiar with). I ran some cold water into a glass and drank it, remembering the last time that I fainted and drinking cold water took away the nauseous feeling. The coolness of the water felt good, but it didn't rid me of the feeling completely and I still felt really faint. I was scared I would pass out in the bath and I was all alone. I got out of the bath, still dripping wet, and tried to crouch on the bathroom floor to steady myself and get some air. I felt sick and uncomfortable and knew I had to get out of there. I was still covered in soap and still had the conditioner in my hair, so I pulled the plug to get the water drain away, then got back in the bath to rinse with some luke-warm water. I tried to get rid of all the soap as quickly as possible, trying to fight the weak feeling and just wanting to get out of the bath.

Once I was sufficiently soap-free, I carefully got out of the bath, wrapped my towel around me and then rinsed the tub. I went to my room and lay back on my bed, keeping my towel on me so that the bedcovers didn't get wet. I was feeling weak and weird. I checked my phone. It was The Mrs. I called her back and offered a weak "hello."

"Are you OK??" she asked.
"I nearly just fainted in the bath," I explained.
"Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"Are you taking your iron tablets?"
"No."
"You're anaemic, you need to take them! I'm very worried about you!"
"When I last went to my doctor, she said I didn't need to take them anymore."
"Are you on your own?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to call your Mum and tell her to come round to be with you."
"Don't do that! She wouldn't. And anyway, she's gone to the graduation."
I laughed inwardly at the thought that my Mum would come all the way to our house just because I felt faint. She's a nurse, it takes something much more serious than that to get her sympathy.
"You need to take your iron tablets. And go back to your GP, I don't think you should be feeling so tired and sick all the time."

Maybe it was true, but I didn't want to fuss. I felt a bit rubbish that I was alone and that I don't have someone who would drop everything to come and look after me. I don't even need looking after, but it's nice to have the option, you know? We chatted for a while about some other stuff and how she and her Mr had spent ages decorating her mum's new fibre-optic Christmas tree, only to discover afterwards that her mum decided she didn't like the fibre-optic tree after all. I laughed, imagining a pretty good idea of how her mum would have reacted. I remembered that I was going to put up my own Christmas lights today. After a bit, I said I needed to go and get dressed, as my wet hair was making me feel cold. I was insanely jealous about the Sunday roast that The Mrs and her Mr were going to eat at her mum's. I remember the days of banging Sunday roasts at The Ex's parents' house and how much I always looked forward to them. I remember having a yummy roast at The Mrs' mum's house myself one time. Hmm, perhaps I hadn't eaten enough today. We said our goodbyes and I took my orders.
"Don't faint any more, OK?"
"OK."

It took me a little while to feel OK again, but when I did, I went to get some cereal, some tea, some juice and some snacks to nibble on so that I didn't have to go back downstairs for a while. I replaced the clean clothes in the machine with a new load that needed washing. I retreated upstairs and got dressed, while watching some Miami Ink and surfing the net. I wasn't much looking forward to the others returning home, mainly because all morning the situation had been bothering me. Quite often, I won't have an immediately strong reaction to certain situations, but the upset kicks in a while later, after it has sunk in and I have mulled over it. I was still feeling hurt, defensive and angry about things and didn't really want to see Big Sis, as I knew with how I was feeling I wouldn't be able to act normally. Mid-afternoon, I heard the car in the drive. A bit later, Mum came upstairs and knocked on my door. She presented me with quite a fancy-looking certificate, but after everything that had happened with my verbal assignment, I really couldn't care less, to be honest. She told me quietly that she had called Big Sis this morning to tell her she was coming and that she would pick them up. I didn't ask much more. She was feeling tired and wanted to go home, which was understandable, as she still wasn't 100% well. She asked what I had been doing. "Not much," I replied honestly. I tested my earlier theory and told her "I nearly fainted in the bath." "You haven't eaten anything, have you?" she said. "I have," I told her, "I just felt hot and weak." She didn't say much more. Told you, Mrs, no sympathy from nursing staff. She gave me a kiss goodbye, then went downstairs.

I stayed in my room, watching more Miami Ink and sorting out a few things. I remembered that I was going to put up my Christmas lights, so I got them down from the Christmas box I have above my wardrobe. For one set, I will need to tap some small nails in the wall to hook them onto, but didn't want to go downstairs to get the hammer, so will do those later. The other set, I draped around my window, then set on a slow fade, so that alternate bulbs fade in and out very slowly. I'm feeling a little bit more cheery and Christmassy, but still feel a bit weak and tired.

Late afternoon, The Mrs texted asking what I was up to for NYE and saying I was welcome to join her and her Boy at his mum's house as they were dog-sitting while his mum and step-dad went out. I found the offer very sweet and didn't say no, but wonder if being the add-on with a couple at this time of year will just make me more aware of my own loneliness. I had been looking forward to the holidays, but at the moment, I just want to be alone. We have an early seasonal lunch at Bigger Sis' place this Sunday, which will be lovely if this horrible atmosphere has dissipated. The following weekend we have meeting with our small group and are going to have a Christmas sleepover at Mum and Dad's place. I am actually quite excited. My adopted children, Big C, Little C and The Destroyer are all going to be there with their parents and they are quite excited. They give me non-stop entertainment and it's actually quite nice having children around at this time of year. It stops me feeling so cynical.

I am still annoyed because Big Sis will probably have moved on from her little outburst, but I can't shake the feeling of upset off. I hate being dragged into emotional conflicts unwarranted and then being left there because I get more affected by it, when everyone else has moved on and forgotten about it. Right now, I could do with a cuddle and some comfort KFC.

Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

My dreams have gone from traumatic and disturbing, to one night of amusing and quite nice, and back to my usual of weird. Last night, my Mum wanted to listen to my Mariah Carey CDs (not that she ever would in real life) but then we found that they had all disappeared. There were loads of other little things happening that I can’t remember. I remember a sense of disorientation or frustration at not being able to find things or do what I needed to.

My second gym date of the week yesterday definitely made an impact today. My stomach muscles were aching like crazy, as were my inner thighs.

I emailed Shoulders, one of my gym buddies: “Ow! Obliques! Lol!”

His reply: “Good girl, that is what I like to hear. You were doing it fairly heavy (for a girl!!!) so I’m not surprised.”

I laughed and told him I was stronger than I look, but just lazy. He told me, with some glee, that he had recruited Gannet to join us next week. He is about 6’4”, sort of lanky, but with a little bit of a belly.

“Me and him should do weights together,” I wrote, laughing at how funny our height difference would look. “We’d look a right state, he’s at least a foot taller than me!”

“I’m not kidding, you could probably lift more than him,” Shoulders replied.

We emailed back and forth, chit-chatting about stuff. At least a year ago, he started going out with one of the Australian temps who was working here. She had to go back about six weeks ago and a fortnight ago he told me that he was going to move out there to be with her and was in the process of applying for his visa and trying to sell his flat. I was really taken aback and really impressed. It was clear he was serious about her and it was really lovely that he was making the big step of uprooting his life to make one with her. At the time, it was a painful reminder of the comparative lack of effort from NY Guy and it upset me that I hadn’t been important enough to him to come over just to visit, or even just meet up with while he was here for work, never mind making a permanent move.

When we went to the gym, he had mentioned that things weren’t going too well with the visa and that he was finding the distance hard. He explained that he was all or nothing in relationships and so after being inseparable for all that time and now being on opposite sides of the world for six weeks, he was finding it quite tough. He didn’t know about my own situation, as I haven’t really told anyone at work about it. I asked him how things were going and we chatted back and forth about it. I told him that I could relate because I had done long-distance myself and it had been quite tough.

"Really hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free to ignore this if you want....but are you single now then? There is a reason I ask...!"

He told me that I had an admirer at work, but he couldn't tell me who, just that he was a "top boy who has admired you from a distance for a long time."

I was intrigued and it was flattering to know that someone thought that, but I know I still have emotional attachments. We talked about things and I told him a little bit about the situation I had been in with NY Guy. He was sympathetic and I empathised with his situation, because I know how hard long-distance can be. He was determined to get to Aus by hook or by crook and it made me a little bit upset that I had wanted that same passion and drive from NY Guy and hadn't always seen it.

"He will be a silly man if he lets you get away I reckon," said Shoulders, and I thanked him for the support, but felt even more sad inside.

I've had this said to me more than once before. I felt really sad that someone who doesn't even know me very well would say this, but the person who I most want to recognise what he could potentially have had, if he would only have made the required effort to do so, doesn't get it.

When Shoulders told me he was going to move to Aus, especially the fact it was within just 3 months of Kitty going back, I was surprised, impressed, excited, but then upset. When someone wants something that bad, especially when it's a guy, that's what he does. He doesn't just talk about it, he does what it takes to make it happen. It made me sad that I hadn't seen the same level of meaningful action and commitment in my own relationship. It made me wonder what went wrong, why he wouldn't do for me even a fraction of what Shoulders is willing to do to be with Kitty, whether I just wasn't enough. I know I shouldn't take the blame for someone else's inadequacies, but it's hard to avoid thinking there is something wrong with me, or that I've asked for this. It's not just NYG. BFTP did it too, twice. The Ex had the opposite problem, but that's where I picked up a lot of these issues and negative relationship expectations in the first place.

I'm still in mourning. I know there's a point after which you need to wipe the tears away, pick yourself up and get over it, but I'm still feeling a little bit heart-broken, somewhat bitter and very disillusioned.

The Culmination

It's Miss T's birthday today. She thinks working on one's birthday is illegal, so rightly took the day off. I gave her a box each of Ferrero Rocher and mint Matchsticks yesterday. I got a text on my way to work this morning saying, "Thank you. I'll be fat when I get in on Monday." Er...I know I gave her two of her favourite kinds of chocolates, but I wasn't suggesting she finish them this weekend! Lol.

Boss Lady is off tomorrow, so today was a little busy as we finished up all the outstanding things we had been working on. A colleague in finance was pissing us both off by asking lots of last-minute queries, perhaps in part because she knew I was moving on. The last thing I needed to add to my to-do list was random queries involving information to a level of detail I failed to believe she really needed.

I had woken up feeling really hungry for some reason, so my usual two slices of toast in the office didn't really scratch the surface. By 12.30, I had to go and get me a chicken fajita wrap (it's my standard lunch pick of late) as my brain was wandering off the costs I was adding up for an invoice and onto take-away menus and yummy stuff.

The day seemed to fly by and I managed to cross off quite a few tasks on my to-do list. The things that would remain outstanding were much fewer, or at least less horrendous, than I had first anticipated, weren't going to kill anyone if I just had to hand them over and frankly, weren't going to be my problem anymore.

Before I knew it, it was nearing 5.00pm. "Oh, I keep forgetting to give you this," said Boss Lady, producing a potted plant from under her desk, wrapped with green tissue paper and cellophane. "It's a plant for your new desk," she said. My new desk hasn't been decided formally yet, but it is going to be one of three that are much closer to the entrance barriers, which are notorious for irritating students trying to ask questions across the barriers, in an attempt to avoid waiting in line to speak to someone at the main desk. "You can place it strategically on your desk so that you can hide behind it," she suggested, which I thought was a fabulous idea. "Is it a peace lily?" I asked, for a second getting them muddled up in my mind with calla lilies. "Yes," she confirmed, which seemed appropriate to help me fend off the increasing aggravation I am no doubt going to experience if I am getting bugged by cheeky queue-jumping students all day. I thanked her for the gift and asked what time she was leaving. "I was going to leave at 5.00pm," she said, which induced panic when I realised it was already 4.50pm and I had just remembered I hadn't even written her card yet. I sneakily did so once she had returned to her desk. I thanked her for being such a fab boss, telling her that I especially appreciated all her encouragement and support over the past, rather difficult, year. I wished her lots of happiness with her future plans, both in and outside of work. "Oh, it's not going to be the same," she said, doing a sad face. I pouted back. "I know, I might have to just come and sit here for a few minutes when I get back in on Monday."

Boss Lady eventually got up to leave at just after 5.30pm. She came by my desk on the way out to say goodbye and I handed her the card, which she seemed surprised about. "Aww," she said, "Shall we hug?" So we did. :o) "Have a lovely weekend in Budapest," I said, as she left. My new boss Flame-Grilled was the only other person in the office. "Make sure you look after her," she said to him, on her way out.

I stayed another 45 minutes, then headed out, feeling absolutely shattered and a little bit low. I stopped at the station to get food, before getting onto my train, getting a seat and feeling thankful to be nearing home. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Boss Lady. Thank you for the lovely card! Just reading it on the train now. :-) All the best to you too...you've earned it, I'm so glad you persevered! xx

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly I felt upset and could feel the tears welling up quicker than I could stop them. I tried to bite my lip and hold it in, but I didn't have the resolve. A man opposite was carrying some flowers for someone special and was smiling to himself, which somehow didn't seem to help. I looked determinedly out of the window and tried to stop the emotion from overwhelming me, but I have never been so close to actually audibly sobbing in public. I don't even know exactly why. I think it was the culmination and combination of stress and relief at the fact that this week is nearly over. More than that, I think it is the culmination of the stress of the whole past year and relief that this year is nearly over. Tears were falling down my face and I felt thankful that I am a bit Mary Poppins and carry everything in my bag, so had some tissues to hand.

I texted Lolly and asked her to make me laugh because I was embarrassing myself on the train by being in floods of tears. After two stops, I had managed to calm down slightly and replied to Boss Lady's text, before starting to write a blog on my BB to distract me. By the time I got home, I felt a little calmer. Bro-in-Law was sat in the living room when I got home and we said our hellos, before I randomly said, “No, I didn’t get Burger King for dinner, Bro-in-Law! What do you mean?! How dare you make such accusations!” He started chuckling at me and said “Feeling guilty, then?” We chatted for a bit and then Big Sis arrived home from an errand. I checked my phone and realised I had missed a call from Lolly and had a text from her, trying to make me laugh and checking I was OK. I felt tired and drained and still a bit weird, but I also felt a small sense of relief that for better or worse, things were going to change, even if just a little.