Familiarity Breeds...

I've realised something. Not a startling revelation, and one that will seem blindingly obvious when put in writing, but one that I (and many other people, in my observation) have seemingly been unable to actually put into practice in the past. Often we stay in situations, even though they are destructive, because it is easier to deal with something familiar, than to face up to a situation that will force us out of our delusional comfort and throw us into the potentially uncomfortable unknown. It is the cliché of deeming the devil you know to be better than the devil you don’t.

I know this, because I have done it. Over and over. I have stayed in certain predicaments because I was used to the pattern of behaviour, no matter how destructive it was to my development. But despite the fact that it was unhealthy for me, the familiarity and predictability of it at least offered some sort of twisted comfort, in knowing what I could expect and that I wouldn't be confronted with radical ideas or perspectives that maybe I wasn't ready for. I was impeding my own emotional growth, but the potential risk of getting hurt in a way I wasn't used to, made me strangely able to accept being hurt in a way that I was. When you experience the same action+reaction pattern time and again, you learn to expect it and you almost feel lost when what you expect doesn't occur.

I've often wondered if I am an emotional masochist, in that I inexplicably seem compelled to stay in situations that have been painful and unsatisfying. At the time there always seemed to be a good enough reason for it, namely the fact that I was blinded by emotion, was perhaps too willing to accept someone's word as their bond and also unwilling to accept the fact that when someone doesn't keep their word, perhaps you cannot also trust them to keep your heart.

My current special friendship with my BFTP has been a real learning curve for me and continues to be so. We have both expressed that we feel we are building the foundation of something that could prove to be unshakable in years to come, as long as we build it right. But it's not easy. I am finding at times that I have to really fight against my first reactions of jealousy, insecurity or instinct to just run away. I am learning to not immediately baulk at the unfamiliar, to be threatened by the unknown, or be frightened of confrontation with what is real and upfront, especially when it hurts. It is difficult to change the habits of a lifetime, but I know that the challenges I am facing now are going to strengthen the both of us as individuals and consequently, strengthen the bond between us that we are slowly building.

Familiarity, while it can bring us a false sense of security, does not guarantee real security or indeed happiness. Sometimes, the fear of stepping into the unknown is scarier than the actual unknown itself. We can become trapped by our reluctance to try something new, to experience something different, to take a risk, no matter how calculated it may be, just because the fear of the pain we may experience as a result is just too great. But there comes a time when the pain of staying trapped in that destructive familiarity must outweigh the fear of stepping out of it. Growth is not easy and it is not necessarily enjoyable or pleasant. But the pain of growth is eventually replaced by a deep sense of satisfaction when you can look back and see just how much you have grown. The pain itself grows into another sensation, one that is productive, healthy and conducive to happiness. The familiar pain of an unhealthy situation, however, does not grow into anything of any use to us. It simply festers until it becomes so ingrained in our psyche that we delude ourselves into believing that the sense of familiarity we feel is equivalent to contentment and happiness. We shut ourselves off to the kind of pain necessary for positive growth to the extent that we feel too weak to face such challenges and are rendered unable to recognise real contentment when we catch a glimpse of it.

I am learning that sometimes we have to take risks, but that taking risks means really stepping into the unknown, the unfamiliar. I have sometimes believed I was taking a risk, when all I was really doing was inadvertently stepping into another situation that followed a similar pattern to the one before. Same situation, different person. For the first time I am experiencing what it feels like to really jump head first into something unpredictable and unfamiliar. While it will take time to challenge my negative expectations and relearn behaviour that is healthy, I am finding it exciting, exhilarating and positive. Like the fear of jumping out of a plane on a sky-dive, I was incredibly hesitant at first and a little frightened. Previous experience has taught me to be cautious, but has also taught me to keep my expectations low and anticipate problems and heartache as a matter of course. But the fear of jumping and the sensation of falling is replaced by both the adrenaline of experiencing something amazing, the security of knowing you have a parachute and the pride and satisfaction you gain when you land safely and can see just how far you came.

It is scary making changes, not knowing what is around the corner in any aspect of my life. But it would be more scary to stay standing without having any prospect that things would get better.

Risk
by Anaïs Nin

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.