Window Into Your World

Late morning yesterday, I texted BFTP to apologise for not calling first thing, but to explain that I wasn't feeling too good and needed a bit of time to get my head together. I didn't know if he could text me back yet, but told him that if he needed me for anything, then he'd just have to contact me. The day seemed to go both slowly and quickly and I couldn't wait for hometime to arrive. I called BFTP at lunchtime but there was no reply. I get a text from him mid-afternoon explaining that he has been trying to text me since midnight, but his allowance has only just kicked in. He was at the barber's earlier and is very sorry he missed my call. He is worried about me and understands that I just need some time, but reminds me that he is still there for me whenever I need him. His text makes me feel a little better but I don't respond straight away. As the afternoon wears on, I am sort of feeling better and sort of not. I am glad that he can contact me now and don't feel as upset about it as I did in the morning, but I am still feeling a little low in general and now and then fight the desire to cry.

We agree to talk in the evening. After dinner with the 'rents, I call him. We talk a while and he asks me to read him my blog. We are a few days behind. Midway through, he is interrupted by his Mum, who is having a hard time with something. I can hear their conversation and I ask if he wants me to call him back, but he asks me to stay on the line. At first I start to get frustrated, feeling my free minutes tick away, being reminded yet again of conversations past, but I decide to be patient. I know the situation is worse for him, I know he doesn't want to involve me in the difficult things, but I know that he has to deal with them and I'd rather he didn't have to deal with them alone. When they finish talking, he says to me, "Welcome to my world." I feel guilty for my initial reaction, but very glad I didn't just get off the phone the way I was tempted to. The atmosphere is odd and I know that he feels helpless because there isn't much he can do about it. We decide to carry on where we left off and I read him Flashes of Light. He is amazed at how relevant it is to how he feels at that precise moment.

I don't really feel like reading much further, because I know it won't be easy for me to say or for him to hear, but we carry on anyway. I finish and I'm not sure how he is going to react. He says he feels like I had a window into his world earlier on and now he has a window into mine. He reassures me that nothing I have said is irrational or unreasonable. He tells me that if the situation was the other way around, he would feel exactly the same. We talk things through and for a change I seem able to express how I am feeling. The conversation becomes more light-hearted and things don't feel so heavy or serious. We finish our conversation feeling closer again, like we understand each other a little better. Occasionally, it feels like all the doors leading out of a situation are closed, but sometimes, a window is enough.