Under Attack

The afternoon dragged like you can't imagine. I had to stay at work a little late to make up for the time I had lost by getting in late. Everyone else on my team had left for the day and so had pretty much every other person in my part of the office. I hate the feeling of being left behind when you desperately want to go home too. I still feel troubled and unsettled and a little stressed. I decide to go to Boots on the way home, to pick up supplies for the month and maybe buy some of my perfume, which has run out, in the hope that this might cheer me up a little. I am starting to feel low and have that familiar feeling of lethargy and unenthusiasm creeping in to fog my mind.

I leave work and go and get my supplies. They don't have my perfume. I still manage to spend an amount of money that seems terribly disproportionate to the actual number of items purchased. I head home, stopping on the way to buy strawberry tarts to have for dessert. I am aware I am comfort shopping. I need to get home before I do any more damage. The train journey feels incredibly long, made worse by my feeling of restlessness. When I get home, I have a quick chat to Big Sis. I can tell she is still not feeling completely happy and feel bad that I don't feel like I have enough emotional strength to lift myself up, let alone her too. She tells me that our internet is still not set up and that she feels like she can't do anything without it! What did we ever do before the virtual world was available at our fingertips?? Lived in the real world, I suppose. :o) She can tell something is wrong but I say I don’t really want to talk about it. I get myself some dinner and can feel that my hunger is adding exponentially to my irritability. I decide to eat upstairs while watching some CSI on my laptop. I suddenly realise that of course I can't, because the internet is down. Grrrrr!!!

I watch some TV but it doesn't register. I eat some dinner, but not even halfway through I lose my appetite. I am wondering if I will hear from BFTP and really want to talk to him, but hate the feeling that I am chasing him for contact which he might not actually want. I know that this is partly to do with previous experience and not completely to do with him, but I can't bring myself to initiate contact. Maybe it is pride, maybe it is the feeling of vulnerability, maybe I just don't want to get no answer and feel that familiar sense of rejection. I start to wonder if I am always going to be in relationships in which I am always available, but where that availability is not reciprocated in the same way. I am conscious that I have felt this feeling before, of really wanting to reach out, but feeling like I can't because I am reluctant to add anything to what the other person is going through. I feel a little bit shut out, and while I understand that need for space, I perceive it as compounding the physical distance between us by adding emotional distance too.

I feel lost without being able to go online. I don't feel like watching or reading anything, but don't feel content just being. I put on some music and just lay on my bed. It is 8.30pm. This seems to be the hour that tiredness kicks in lately. I lie down for a while and then decide I will have a bath. When I am finished, I check my phone but still have no messages. I am a little worried about him, but am also feeling incredibly alone. I get ready for bed and try to find something on TV to distract me. Not much is working. It is after 11pm. I eventually cave in and text him. I write a message that doesn't necessarily require a reply, even though I desperately want one. It doesn't come. I feel really restless and am finding this much harder than I thought. I am worrying about everything that is going on and wish he could be there for me too, even though he doesn't know what I am dealing with. I just want to know that the option to talk to him is still there, but it doesn't feel like it is. I turn the TV and lights off and try to go to sleep. I can't. A little bit later, I send another text asking that if he is still awake, that he texts to just let me know he's OK. I just want a reply. He responds and says that he is still finding things really difficult and is praying hard. I am still on his mind. Knowing that he is awake and feeling anxious where he is makes me feel worse. I am unable to relax and still can't sleep. I decide to take some Night Nurse, even though I don't want to be using any more medication. I have learned from my previous Night Nurse hangovers and only take one capsule this time. I text BFTP and tell him that I can't sleep knowing that he is struggling on his own. I tell him that I am going through this with him and that I am praying where I am, to reassure him that he is not alone. He responds by telling me that he doesn't have much to say in his current mindframe, but that he is not ignoring me, so if I want to call him, I can. It's feels as though he is obliged to say that and I don't get the sense that he really does want to talk. I am frustrated that this situation might be working for him, but feels like it is making everything worse for me. I feel incredibly restless and start to cry.

I talk to God, but I don't even know exactly what to say. I ask Him to forgive me for feeling so negative all day. I ask Him to be with BFTP and his family and to remove any negative influences from around them. I ask Him to surround them with His love and give them the peace and assurance they need in their hearts and minds. I ask Him to grant each one of us the wisdom we need to know how to deal with this situation. I ask God to continue to heal BFTP's eye, because He has promised to give us whatever we ask of Him in Christ's name. I still find it hard to focus or think clearly and I still don't feel drowsy enough to sleep. I remember that when you feel discouraged, it's best not to dwell on how bad you are, but on how good God is. I decide to put on some music and find my favourite Christian album. All the songs are about encouragement and are uplifting. I lay in the dark and sing my heart out as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake Big Sis and Bro-in-Law. Already I feel like my spirit is lighter. I am still not completely sleepy and listen to the album the whole way through. I get choked at times and cry through the frustration as I feel it leave me. It is replaced by a slight feeling of relief. I pray some more and when the album finishes, I try to sleep.

I sleep a little too well and by mistake turn my alarm off instead of snoozing it. I finally wake and it is after 8am. I am still feeling groggy and incapable of getting organised quickly. I am going to be late. Big Sis is also running late and is still here. She hasn't been sleeping well either. I am barely able to talk. We get ready, but I can't get it together today. She goes on ahead of me and catches the train I really should have caught. When I finally get ready, I walk to the station and check my phone at intervals. Usually, BFTP and I would have started the day together with our devotional. We haven't done that for a few days. It feels like ages. I read the devotional on my own and then listen to some music. I close my eyes for most of the train journey. I decide to text BFTP but I don't know what to say. He is supposed to be going back to the eye clinic today and I don't know how he feels about it, or how his eye is. I simply tell him that I hope things go well today. He texts back a bit later and asks if I will call him when I can. He wants to talk to me and pray together. I get off the train and only just miss a bus. I decide to call him.

He prays and we talk. He explains where his mind is at and that he feels like he can't cope. He doesn't know what to do and wants to know what I did when I felt like this. We talk for a while and I explain that it feels like he has shut me out in order to try and protect me, even though he needs me. I say that I feel pushed away and that if I feel worse and he feels worse by us not being in contact, then what purpose is it serving? I tell him that we need each other more than ever. He is worrying about present things and future plans and I tell him that all he needs to do is get through each day. God will take care of the rest. There is no point panicking about how we will deal with next month, when this afternoon looms large and we don't know how to cope with that. It is each day at a time and I remember that feeling well. I explain what I know from my own experience and reassure him that things do get better, but that you have to take it one step at a time. I know that I only got through my own difficulties with having people who were there for me that I could talk to and one of those people was him. I want to be there for him in return and tell him that he doesn't need to deal with any of this on his own.

I am already at work, but wait outside my office while we finish the conversation. He sounds like he feels a little bit calmer, and we agree to talk later today. He tells me that I can call him whenever I need him. If he is feeling unable to help then he will tell me, but he won't shut me out. I tell him that he can do the same, that he can call or text me, even if he doesn't really know what to say, but just needs some contact. After we get off the phone, I get in to work and am a little late again. I really need to get it together in the mornings. I still feel a little fuzzy-headed, but am relieved that we have talked things through and that we don't feel as distant as we had done.

I read my emails and amidst the various work issues, there are emails from my Mum. She still sounds stressed about the situation with the letter and doesn't really know quite what to do, although Big Sis has already drafted a reply. Dad is also quite angry about the situation and it takes quite a lot to upset his calm demeanour. Mum and Dad at least managed to go out to dinner together at one of our favourite Chinese restaurants for an anniversary meal. I am glad that they spent some time together and weren't dwelling on this completely all day. One of our friends from that group has been concerned about us and our non-attendance and Mum has explained the situation to him. He is also troubled by the situation and is apparently going to visit her in person today to talk about it. Mum sounds encouraged by that. I am feeling extremely sad that things seem to have gotten so out of hand, for no apparent reason. It really feels like we are under attack at the moment and it's hard trying to prevent it from affecting us. I wish I didn't have to be at work, because I can't seem to concentrate on anything and am distracted and drained. I am counting down till the long Bank holiday weekend. I can't wait for next week when I have booked some time off. It can't come quick enough.