Issues of the Heart

Things have taken a dramatic turn. Over the past few weeks I have been feeling that I should probably break up with the Boy, a.k.a. NY Guy ("Didn't you already break up with him…several times?!!" I hear you cry. I know, I know…). For a few months now, several small issues have really started to bother me. But one of the main sticking points for me was our differing beliefs. I have felt more and more that it is important to share the same values with your partner. I have come to know that you can technically be part of the same faith or religious group as another person, yet still have very different values. It has always been a sore point for me, knowing deep down that it would probably be best or at least desirable to be with someone with whom I could share common spirituality, but never really meeting someone in that context who I really felt I connected with. I knew from quite early on that NY Guy was not religious and he knew that I was. It didn't ever really seem to be a problem and we were both respectful of the other's view, even though we never actually discussed them in detail. It has been playing on my mind for a while. I knew that things were OK for now, but I know that getting married and having children is a different situation altogether.

A few weeks ago we were talking on IM and the subject of beliefs randomly came up in our conversation. He asked what I actually believed, so I explained my basic core beliefs and asked in return what he believed. "Nothing," he answered. "I believe that Jesus existed and that the basis of his teachings were good, but believing in God, a supreme being? That, I'll never swallow." Hearing his beliefs (or non-belief, lol) in such a clear-cut way really hit me. I knew he wasn't really religious, neither was my ex-boyfriend, but he was at least spiritual to an extent. We had a shared belief in and love for God, and were in relative agreement about many of our values, even though his influences had been a mixture of Islam and Christianity. To me, the values were the important thing. But knowing that NY Guy and I have a difference of opinion on some things that are of utmost important to me, compacted by the fact that essentially, the way we see the world, life and death is completely different, made me seriously question whether us being together long-term could work.

After his admission, he said "I hope that doesn't upset you." "It doesn't upset me as such," I replied, "but I just wonder what the implications of that are for the future." He would reassure me that he respected my beliefs and actually liked the fact that it was a big part of my life and that it made me happy. I do believe him and I've always appreciated that he is respectful of my spirituality. He told me that it wouldn't be a problem, at least not for him. I sort of believed that part, but I feel that not anticipating a problem when one person in a relationship has strong beliefs one way and wants to put them into practice and raise their children with the same set of core values and principles, while the other has equally strong beliefs that don't encompass those practices, is a little naïve.

I respect his views and I would never expect him to participate in my religious practices, or force them upon him, but I can't deny that I would find not sharing such a big part of my life with my partner extremely hard. It might seem like an obvious thing to some people, but I don't think I had fully comprehended just how problematic it could potentially be and how much I could be missing out on. Every relationship necessitates compromise and there are some parts of life that you may need to make sacrifices on. I strongly believe that relationships should be true partnerships, but having wildly different world perceptions would undoubtedly mean that partnership would not be as strong as it could be. It's different with friends and much easier to accommodate each other's differences, but when you could potentially start a family with someone, the things that you can overlook and humour in friends, are things that could become deal-breakers in a long-term relationship.

We all have things that we are willing to adjust and sacrifice and make compromises on in order to make relationships work, but we also each have our set of absolutes that we want to find in a partner and shouldn't have to settle for less than. Our values and morals inform our opinions and decisions. There are lots of little doubts I have had about NY Guy. Aside from his lack of contact for periods of time and seeming unwillingness to make an effort to put me first occasionally in order to prove his affections, most of the things I have been unsure about have stemmed from the fact that some of our values and morals are misaligned. It can be hard to have a real partnership and make joint decisions, when your individual decision-making is influenced by such different schools of thought. There are so many things about his character that I love and admire, but it's not enough. I have been breaking my own rules. In trying to protect and save a partnership with another person, I have slowly endangered and compromised the bond between my own principles and my heart. It breaks my heart knowing the decision I have to make and it will probably break his when I do. But it will break my own heart even more in the long run if I don't stay true to who I am.