Monday Melancholy

I woke up feeling relatively good. I had slept well, even though I had weird dreams again, partly at the fault of us watching crime dramas before we went to sleep. I also dreamt of The Ex's family and his nephews that I haven't seen since we broke up more than 3 years ago, and it made me feel a little wistful. I ponder whether to call BFTP for our devotional, but decide against it. I think he probably just needs the sleep and I am not really awake yet. I snooze my alarm for half an hour and go to make Lolly and me some tea. We miss our chance in the bathroom, so end up staying in bed for a bit until Bro-in-Law and Big Sis are finished. We get ready and our earlier plans to get the 8.30am train seem unrealistic. We aim for the 9.00am train instead and take our time getting dressed and made up, lamenting our unruly hair and non-cooperative skin. We catch a bit of Maury while we wait and laugh at the immortal "You are not the father" line. We listen to a bit of radio and then make our way downstairs. We hug Big Sis goodbye and then walk to the station.

The 9.01 train is delayed until 9.06. This seems to happen way too often, despite the train service proudly announcing on screens at Victoria station that 94% of its trains have run on time this year. Either their understanding of the term 'on time' is extremely broad, or I must always happen to get on the 6% of trains that run late. There are 'signalling problems' apparently. I am so glad Lolly is with me. We chat and laugh and try to make the time go quicker. When I next check the display, the train is now expected at 9.16. The next train would normally be 9.16. I sigh and wonder why this always seems to happen on a Monday. They announce there are emergency engineering works. What happened to the signalling problems? I think they are just using whatever excuse happens to be pre-recorded. The voice keeps telling us he is "sorry for the delay to this service." He doesn't sound sorry enough for my liking. By the time the train actually rocks up, it is 9.24. My sunny mood has nearly disappeared and I am suddenly feeling verrrrry Monday. I text my boss to tell her I will be late. It's not much of an notification, it's most days at the moment.

The train takes ages and we get to the final station nearly an hour after leaving my house. I am losing the will to work. Lolly and I hug and part company and I get to my bus stop to find I have just missed a bus. I hold in the urge to roar like the Hulk. I decide to call BFTP. No answer. This is becoming a trend. I realise that he might be asleep since it's not one of his scheduled eye-drop o'clocks, if he's even sticking to them. I feel a bit bad. A bus arrives a few minutes later. I get to work and Miss T laughs at the expression of utter disdain I am wearing. I have only just sat down and have to deal with a query regarding someone's tuition fees. The day has begun. We discuss our plans for Payday Pizza, which we haven't had in a while. I am so thankful we got paid today and I actually have access to money again. I go through my emails and see one from the Office Manager informing us that the internal positions are being re-advertised for an extra few weeks. I am in luck. I can apply for the position I missed out on after all. This may be a good sign.

Meanwhile, I read a few emails that I have been copied in to between Big Sis and Mum and some other involved people regarding the letter we received. I have to do a thing or two for my Mum and need to scan something in and email to her. I get a text from Big Sis saying our internet at home is down because we are migrating service provider today and it could be midnight before our internet is back on. So she can't send anything from home for the time being. It sounds like my Mum is quite stressed and I am upset about that. It is my parents' wedding anniversary today and Big Sis' birthday on Wednesday. I am trying not to be annoyed about the fact that these two happy events are overshadowed by this cloud.

A little bit later I get a text from BFTP. He knows I have tried to call him and doesn't want me to think he is ignoring me. He is struggling to cope at the moment and needs some time to think things over and ask God for answers. I have a tiny moment of panic. I have been here before. I respect and understand the desire and need for space, but I am scared that he is going to shut me out completely. I also feel frustrated that I have other things on my mind but am trying to be strong for him. He doesn't know that anything else is going on with me and I don't want to tell him right now. He has more than enough to worry about. I just wish that things weren't all happening at once. I tell him that I understand but ask if he is asking me to leave him alone until further notice. If so, I am going to find that hard, but I will understand if that is what he needs. He says that I have misunderstood. He wants to talk to me later, he just needs some time today. He didn't want me to think he was not contacting me for any other reason, or that he was ignoring me. He doesn't want to make things more difficult for me, that is the last thing he wants to do. I am relieved that he isn't taking a hiatus from us. I don't necessarily need him to take on what I am dealing with, but just knowing I can contact him is all I need right now.

Everything is happening at once and I know that it's really important that I don't let this get me down. Life seems to be reduced to utter chaos around me. I am thankful that this is happening now and not a few months ago, when I know it could really have had a detrimental effect on my mental health. It's easy to talk about having faith and trusting God. It's easy to talk about showing love and respect to other people, especially when they treat you in a way that is unfair. The hard part is putting it into practice.