Past, Passed and Present

I am finding distance hard right now. My contact with BFTP this week hasn't been as consistent as perhaps either of us would have liked, but to be honest, the very fact that is has felt more sparse at times means that I have no real idea how he feels. He may feel that our contact has been fine.

For the later part of this week, I have had to initiate contact because BFTP's call and text allowance had run out. I didn't mind that, I had plenty of free minutes and it wasn't a big issue to me. But after a while, having to always initiate contact and know that if I sent a text I wouldn't get a reply was starting to wear me down. With the additional option of Skype being unavailable because his internet connection is down, it meant that for the time being, I could get a message to him, but when it came to responses, I was in no-man's-land.

It might seem like such a small thing, but I hadn't realised just how much it was starting to get to me. I called him on my way home last night after an evening out with friends, and he was in the middle of something and couldn't talk. It was nearing 11.00pm so I suggested we just catch up tomorrow. It was the most practical thing to do and it was my suggestion, but I still felt pissed off. I don't even know why. I hated myself for even thinking it, but for a second, I was starting to feel like I was back with NY Guy. I hate the fact that the thought even entered my head. I know that the situations are different. I know that BFTP isn't not contacting me because he doesn't want to. I know that it is important to him that things aren't one-sided. I know that he wants to make me happy. I know that he understands how important regular contact is. I know that he is as keen to try his hardest to make this distance easier for the both of us. I know that all of these things are completely different to how things were for me with NY Guy, because BFTP is a completely different person. The only problem is that my emotional reaction and the way it makes me feel at this precise moment, is pretty much the same. I am aware that perhaps I have an insecurity about this. I'm not sure if that's something that I already had, or something that developed as a result of my negative experiences with NY Guy, but I hate the feeling that I am being too keen, or that I need contact with a person more than they do. I really hate the thought of trying to contact someone and having them think, "Oh, it's her again." I really hate the feeling of being ignored.

I met up for dinner with my old workmates (including Lolly), aka The Sisterhood, last night. The honorary male sister has been in a weird break-up-get-back-together wasteland with his (ex) girlfriend for a few months. They had spent a couple of nights together last weekend and it seemed like they might get back together, but all of a sudden she was now ignoring his calls. He had gone from wanting to call her to apologise, to utter hatred of her expressed by an excess of expletives, in the space of a day or two. I could empathise. I told him that I understood that feeling of utter frustration when someone just won't talk to you. We agreed that it is childish, cruel and really hurtful. If you weren't angry about a situation to begin with, having someone purposely and continually ignore you will get you there. The trouble is, I am ashamed to admit that I have been on both sides of that equation and neither is fun. But when you are the person being ignored, I have to admit that it is much worse. I tried to offer him sympathy and advice and suggested that maybe he'd just have to leave her to it, until she decided that she wanted to talk to him. Constantly trying to contact her would probably make her even less likely to respond. I could see his utter hurt and frustration and for a second, I could remember being back there myself. Maybe that's what set this feeling off.

I remembered the occasions when NY Guy just disappeared on me and didn't do me the courtesy of even informing me, let alone offer an explanation. I remembered all the many times that I had to call him because he could never get his act together enough to sort out ways and means of calling me when he wasn't at work. I remember the fact that often I was calling because he had specifically asked me to, at a particular time, only to then find that he didn't even answer, or wasn't able to talk after all. I remember all the texts I had sent, knowing that he either couldn't or wouldn't bother to respond, or the disappointment I felt when I'd send him a message wishing him a nice weekend and saying I missed him, only to get a two-word reply like "Thanks baby," without any reciprocal sentiment. When I remember all these things I feel so stupid. I can't believe what I put up with. It makes me feel foolish and I wonder if I have an inexplicable attraction to unavailability, or maybe my self-esteem isn't healthy enough to tell me that I deserve better. When on the way home, BFTP wasn't able to talk to me, or even reply to my text wishing him goodnight, I realised that I was feeling I was starting to get to that point of not wanting to bother any more. I know deep down that it's not true, but I know that when I feel like this I start to get resentful and have to just remove myself from the situation, even temporarily, so that I can get rid of that feeling. The irony in all of this was that the other day, BFTP asked me if things were OK and if I minded the fact that we were speaking every day. I told him that I liked speaking to him. The thing with contact is, I'm more concerned about quality than quantity. I remember telling NY Guy that I wasn't happy with the contact we were having and him saying to me, "But we talk every day." What he never understood was that if I had the choice, I would have substituted those daily 5 or 10-minute chit-chat conversations here and there, often interrupted by work or circumstance, for a conversation once a fortnight, if it meant that we had quality time together and actually got to speak about things that were significant. I don't expect a 2-hour conversation every evening and I doubt that's a sustainable expectation even if I did. I don’t even mind not talking every day, although it is nice to at least check in with each other and exchange a text or two. What I really get frustrated with, is when talking with that person every day is solely reliant on me making the call.

I woke up late this morning. I was feeling incredibly sleepy and didn't much want to get out of bed. I had to rush a little to get ready, so I didn't really have time to call BFTP for our devotional. I realised, to my shame, that I didn't even really feel like it this morning. I thought about calling him when I was on the train, but I bumped into my old school friends who I quite often see on the same train as me. As I got closer to work, I knew that I wasn't in a very good frame of mind. I care about BFTP and know that he is still having a hard week. I wondered if I was being selfish and I hate the fact that I can be borderline spiteful when I am feeling upset or hurt or resentful. I was feeling low and close to tears and I didn't really want him to be unnecessarily affected by it. That's the other problem when you're the one who has to make the call. If you don't feel in the mood but have agreed to call them, it feels like you are just calling to make them share in your misery. I don't want to actively make the effort to ruin someone's day with my bad mood! Lol! He had reassured me that his call allowance would be renewed today, so I decided that if he wanted to contact me that badly, then he would. I am starting to feel low again and don't really want to talk to anyone.

I don't like that I am feeling this way again and I especially don't like feeling this way towards BFTP. I don't want to hurt his feelings, to be unfair, to add any pressure on to him when he is already dealing with enough. I hate the thought of him knowing that there is a really bad side to me, when he is such a lovely person and so patient and understanding. I hate that I am feeling hormonal but am seemingly unable to separate that from what is rational. I hate that I am still trying to work through some difficult issues and that as a result of that I sometimes have irrational reactions to things and want to lash out. I hate that I am feeling like it would be easier to just withdraw from everyone and be alone. So, I blog to get it out of my system and hope that I will be feeling better later. I know that I should probably at least text him, but I can't even bring myself to do that. I hate that most of what I am feeling isn't even really anything to do with him. I hate that as usual, I am unable to just express myself to the person that I need to, but am still either keeping things inside, or revealing them in writing, in my strange, indirect way of communication. I hate that I feel like I am slipping very slowly back down the slope I have been trying so hard to climb up and out of.