Setbacks

Something happened yesterday. I don't know exactly what. I was feeling good about the fact that things have felt much more positive lately and that I've not been struggling anywhere near as much to get through each day. I haven't felt that familiar urge to cry for no discernible reason, or felt inexplicably low without any specific cause. Things have been improving and I've been very pleased about that. Problems weren't seeming as insurmountable as before and I wasn't feeling so averse to challenges or to facing the future.

I sent BFTP some information I'd been reading about a topic we've been talking about recently. He wanted to check it out and I thought it might help clarify a few of the questions he was dealing with. Fast forward a few hours and what he has read has troubled him somewhat and we decide to talk about it when I get home. Our discussion has an odd effect on me. Some of the thoughts that have been raised in his mind are completely different to those that occurred to me when I was reading. I feel like the discussion is much more intense and serious than I had anticipated. I suddenly feel discouraged and down and have a strong desire to withdraw from the conversation. I feel frustrated and upset that relationships always seem to get so hard, no matter how well you get on with someone. It feels almost pointless trying to make anything work, when things always seem to fail because our human weaknesses inevitably get in the way. All my energy, positivity and optimism ebb away until I feel numb and just want to be alone. I feel a little ashamed, that maybe I was being too positive and not realistic enough. Perhaps in my over-excitement about my progress I forgot that I still have so far to go. I feel like I have been rebuked and a little silly for thinking that things could move forward unhindered. We end the conversation and decide to carry it on a little later. It is 8.30pm.

I feel the need to lie down and try to watch some TV as a distraction, but can't even concentrate on that. I am feeling completely shattered and close my eyes to have a rest. The light from the landing disrupts me, so I put on my eye mask and decide to sleep the feeling off. It's only 9.00pm. I wake now and then to the odd text message from BFTP and because of noise from outside. He calls me before midnight. Both of us have been asleep and don't think we can continue our conversation. I am really drowsy and find it hard to even speak properly, but we don't want to go to sleep for the night without saying goodnight and making things OK. We say our goodnights and I fall back asleep, having weird, detailed dreams seemingly about every single thing that is on my mind, significant or otherwise, and have a discussion with BFTP in my dream explaining a little about how I felt and clarifying some of the comments I'd made. I wake to my alarm and feel a little disappointed that the conversation didn't actually take place, because I almost don't have the energy to have it again. I snooze my alarm a few times and drift in and out of sleep.

When I finally wake, I call him so that we can have our morning devotional together. The topic is about encouraging others. Inside I laugh unenthusiastically at the irony. I feel incredibly discouraged, am not feeling especially receptive to encouragement and don't have the energy or the desire to be encouraging to anyone else. I find it hard to concentrate and even when he prays I still feel distracted and discontent. After we get off the phone, I get ready for work and despite my best efforts I still don't manage to get my earlier train. I text him on my way to work and explain that I am feeling down. He replies and wants to be there for me. I want him to be, but am feeling reluctant to inflict this mood on anyone. I am reminded of times when I felt most down. Not because I feel as low as that, but because when I felt that way I didn't much feel like talking or even being around anyone. It's not quite as severe today, but I can still feel that desire to withdraw and retreat back into my comfort zone.

For every few steps of progress forward, there always seems to be at least one step back. I might be in a completely different frame of mind by the end of the week, or even the end of the day, but I hate the feeling of going backwards. Right now I'd be happy with just standing still.