Spoke Too Soon

The Mrs and Mini Me both asked me yesterday if I'd heard from the Ex. Not NY Guy, my previous ex. The big one. The 6-years-of-relationship-and-3-years-of-weird-mind-games one. I relayed the fact that I hadn't, not for about a month, if that, when we'd talked about the fact that I was back with NY Guy and he expressed his displeasure in rather explicit terms. He doesn't know that since then I have decided that things weren't right with NY Guy either and he definitely doesn't know about my BFTP. I did get a text from him a couple of Sundays back, asking what I was up to. I ignored it. I had a minor pang of guilt for a second, but it soon passed. I was thinking that perhaps that was it this time, that he realised that there was no chance of us ever getting back together and that because of the nature of our relationship and the various emotions involved, being 'friends' was just not wise, or even feasible for that matter.

That afternoon, my work phone rings on what was an otherwise relatively call-free day. I answer in my usual standard greeting. I hear a voice reply, "Hello." At first, it doesn't click. Then realisation slowly dawns on me and puzzlement gives way to recognition. "I thought I'd call you at work because if I call your mobile, I know you won't answer. Don't be mad at me." I feel chills. He is right, I wouldn't have answered. I still get slightly annoyed that I never even gave him my work number, he managed to look it up on the internet. Hmm, Google. The stalker's friend.

He asks how I am and we chit-chat. I think I am still a little surprised at his call but I don't feel angry. We talk. He tells me that his knee injury has got worse and he might need keyhole surgery. He tells me the bad news that the father of a close friend has died. He was almost as close to him as his friend was. I am shocked and feel sad for both him and his friend. He asks how I am and how I have been feeling. I know he is making reference to me feeling depressed and I appreciate it, but don't want to go into details. I tell him I am feeling better. I don't go out of my way to carry the conversation on, although I'm not rude or standoffish. But he can sense my awkwardness. "Well…I just called to see how you are. I would say let's catch up, but I know you wouldn't really like that…" I know he is testing the water. Maybe he is hoping I will disagree. "No, I would like that. Let's catch up." But I don't. I don't really say anything. We part with the usual pleasantry of "Take care." "Talk to you soon, then…?" he says, hopefully. I don't really respond. The conversation ends and I get back to work, still feeling a little weird.

I don't know how to feel. It might seem like such a small thing, but even talking to him briefly instils pangs of guilt that I can't explain. I feel sorry for him and don't think badly of him, as such, but I know that I can't be in his life in the way that he wants me to. I don't even really want him in my life, because he seems incapable of drawing the appropriate line. I almost wish that we could be 'friends', that we could go back to how things were 9 or 10 years ago, when we were good friends who enjoyed each other's company, before the lines got blurred and emotions became fraught. I still feel sad that cutting him out of my life means cutting his family out too. I wish he could find the right person for him and feel sad knowing that he needs someone to talk to, but that someone can't be me.

I tell BFTP about it later that evening. He understands that it is a weird situation for me, but assures me that he trusts me. If I did decide I wanted to catch up, then he wouldn't stop me. He knows that I know exactly what I have with him. I am grateful that he is so understanding, even though his own past experience should have him wanting to lock me away from any contact with an ex. I don't want to break his trust. But my reluctance to revisit the past isn't only out of loyalty to him. It's mostly out of protection for me.

I wake this morning to find I have had odd dreams. I can't remember any details, but know that the Ex was in them in some capacity. I hate that he has got inside my head again. It's bizarre that a person who seems to be so strong in personality can be so vulnerable and insecure underneath. I feel a little sad, but I have learnt that after so long of ignoring my own emotional needs, in this situation I have to put myself first. I don't really understand his inability to move on, or his insistence in staying in contact. But all I can do is be responsible for what is best for me. Right now, what is best does not include him.