Facing the Fear

Every day is a challenge. On the surface, maybe not much has changed, but inside, much progression is taking place. My BFTP and I have started doing a morning devotional together. I call him when I wake up and he reads the daily devotional to me that he used to read on his own. We might talk about it a little and discuss what questions it raises or answers, and then we pray together. I have never got into the habit of spending time with God first thing in the morning, even though I always knew I should. But making it a part of this new-found friendship has been a real blessing to me and has given me reassurance that this is something special.

Yesterday, things were a little bit tough. I could feel my insecurities rearing their ugly little heads amidst all the positive progress I have made and it took a lot of effort to stop them from getting to me. This relationship is challenging everything I am used to, but has the potential to fulfil everything I have wanted. I am so used to words and romantic clichés, that when someone doesn't use them as freely as I expect them to, I am thrown a little. The trouble is, I don't really need to hear the words this time, if the action is not going to follow. So why do I miss the reassurance of being told everything I want to hear, when past experience tells me that hearing them in no way guarantees actually experiencing those things?

At times I am able to rise above the fears, insecurities and cynicism and see this for what it is. Profound, real and serious. But occasionally, the 'little hater' tells me that I am being too optimistic, that God won't finish what He has started, that if I put my trust in this I will only end up being sorely disappointed, just the same as before. It's hard to ignore it and it is so easy to put the barriers back up and retreat to the familiar, comforting sense of apathy and distrust. But while I am scared at times of getting hurt, I believe that the fear I am experiencing is the kind which will lead to new strength. I am finding things difficult at times and don't always want to confront that, but I am trying my best to embrace this new experience, because I know that if I can get past it, there will be a whole world of exciting things to discover on the other side.