Swings and Roundabouts

It's weird. Work seemed like the utter bane of my life for a while, but I think I managed to cope because of the fact I had some great temporary colleagues working with me, some lovely workmates I could go to lunch and have a moan with and I was getting by with non-work distractions in the shape of complicated personal relationships. However, although my temporary colleagues have either moved on completely or been moved to another team (Mini Me) which means the work load is bigger again, the personal relationships are now thankfully less complicated (and getting gradually less so, I hope). But still, things are relatively quiet at work in some respects. When I say quiet, I mean brain-numbingly BORING. I have lots to be getting on with, but just don't have the motivation and desire to do it. I find this sort of odd, considering I was so much unhappier a few months back to the point of having to escape to the toilets at work just to try and hide my tears at random intervals, but seemed to be able to actually get more work done. I have realised that I don't thrive in these periods of infrequent activity and probably respond much better to pressurised situations and impending deadlines. But I know that if I'm honest, right now I would probably be just as lackadaisical in that sort of environment too.

I don't know what this means. I have been pondering for a while if a life in admin in an academic/university environment is all I'd really dreamed of, or at least was something I would see myself being able to sort of enjoy and forge a half-decent career in. I have toyed with the random idea of studying to be a nurse (partially inspired by the Mrs, partially by my Mum, partially by a desire to have a real-life career and one that might actually mean something) and wondered what other options I could look into. But nothing seems to fire up a passion in me that I feel is unquenchable. I don't know if that is because I've just become so demotivated by the rubbish management where I work and my own seemingly unfair more-responsibility-without-more-pay situation, but I sometimes wonder if I'll really ever find a vocation that I will love doing. I know that most people don't make a living by living out their passions, but I find it extremely depressing knowing that I will potentially spend at least 20% of the total hours in every week at a place that brings me no real excitement or satisfaction.

Perhaps I'm one of those people who is just never going to find contentment, lol! I don't like complaining, honest guv (!), but it seems like as soon as one part of my life seems to be falling somewhat into place, another part becomes glaringly unsatisfactory. I am going to apply for another internal position, in the same section that my sub-team is a part of. It's the next level up and might give me a bit more variety to make my work life more interesting. Failing that, there are a few positions externally that had caught my eye, so assuming they are still open for applications, I may just put one in. I suppose I don't have anything to lose. I may not have a huge amount to gain, but if I at least gain a change (which I'm told is as good as a rest) and a bit of extra dough, that's a start.