Really Spoke Too Soon

Why is it that bad news and difficult situations seem to like company? My glib response to 'speaking too soon' was a severe under-reaction. Thursday evening, I was still feeling a little weird from the call from The Ex. Friday came and thankfully the feeling had faded. Instead, I was worrying about BFTP and how he was feeling, whether his eye felt any better and whether he had managed to get through the night with even a little bit of cumulative sleep, considering he had to wake every hour to put his eye-drops in. The week had been an odd one and I was so pleased it was nearly over. I was looking forward to seeing my parents that evening, the nice Sabbath we had planned and the fact that Lolly was coming to stay at my house on Saturday and Sunday nights.

Counting down till 5.00pm, the hour of hometime finally arrived. Just before I left the office, I decided to check my phone. I have a text message. From NY Guy. My stomach jumps. I read it. He is just letting me know that when he comes to London next week, he won't be staying the week that he had originally planned. Instead, he is staying for four months because his work wants him to help out in their London office. He just thought I should know. He tells me that if I ever want to meet up just as friends, he'll be around. I shake my head in disbelief and laugh sarcastically that everything seems to happening at once. I wasn't so concerned about him being here a week. I wasn't planning to see him, because I didn't really see what purpose that would serve, other than making things harder for the both of us. I knew that if I really wanted to, I could plan to be away that week. But four months?! I am being tested. A few months ago, that would have been the perfect situation for us. Him staying here for four months instead of a week would have made me ecstatic. Now, I just feel awkward and a little anxious. I cannot believe that in two and a half years, he doesn't even make it over to visit me once, let alone spend any time over here for work, despite the fact that he has done several times before we met. No sooner have we broken up and we could both probably do with forgetting about each other and moving on, he gets sent here. I have to laugh about the incredibly bad timing, but my laugh is sardonic. I don't reply to the text. Aside from anything else, I have no idea what to say.

I try not to think about it and head to the rents'. I have a nice evening. I am still feeling a bit odd about everything that is going on, but it is nice being with my parents. We have dinner and watch some of the World Athletics Championships. At about 9pm I am already feeling exhausted. I go upstairs and feel almost ready to go to sleep. I call BFTP and we talk, but things still feel weird after our week of feeling oddly disconnected. I don't feel quite as comfortable as I have done previously. His internet has been down all week and he comments that he has been unable to read my blog. He wishes he could. Randomly, he asks if I would mind reading it to him. It's a bit odd, because it feels like reading it aloud will make it feel even more personal, but I don't object. I think it might actually help explain what is going on inside my head.

I go and get my Mum's laptop and call him back. We figure out at what point he had last finished and then I start to read. Reading to him is oddly therapeutic, but before long he is interrupted by his Mum. He has to sort something out and says he will call me back. At first I don’t mind, but after sitting there for a few minutes I start to feel exposed. I am reminded of the many times conversations with NY Guy would be cut short because he had to do something or talk to someone else or get some dinner. I remember feeling that everything else would take priority over me. I don't like that feeling. I can sense that I am starting to shut down emotionally. I start writing BFTP a text message. "You know what, I think I'm going to go to sleep. Auto-mode is kicking in, my insecurities are getting to me and this is reminding me too much of something else. Sorry. x" I am about to press 'send' but I stop. I know that I am having a reaction to his behaviour that is based mainly on the behaviour of another person. I know that's not really fair, but I just don't want to deal with this right now. I fight against my natural reaction and decide to wait a few minutes, just to see if he calls. Any more than five minutes and I think I will send it. A couple of minutes later, we are talking again. I don't mention my reaction or the fact that I was starting to feel awkward. But he immediately apologises for having to cut me off and says that it shouldn't have happened. He has sorted out the situation and I have his full attention. Just the fact that he senses I might have felt weird makes me feel better.

Several minutes later I have finished reading him my latest post. We talk about things a little and he says that in some of the instances I described, he had assumed I had felt differently and is a little relieved to know that his assumptions are incorrect. He feels connected to me again. "Don't give up on me," I ask him. He says that he won't and asks that I do the same for him in return. I feel better, even though I wonder why I can often express myself in writing infinitely better than I can verbally. The disconnection I had felt all week isn't there any more. Things feel right again and I am relieved. We talk some more and then decide that we should both get to sleep. I am really thankful that I have such a unique relationship with him. I am glad that we are both going to sleep knowing that things are back to normal in our world.