Development

For at least the last several months, I have been struggling with the difference between what I know I should do and what I actually do. There is a technical term for this. It is referred to as having 'incongruent values' and not surprisingly, it causes stress. I love these studies and research projects into the blindingly obvious. It's funny that sometimes it takes someone in 'authority' to state something that deep down we already knew, before we accept it as truth.

It might be obvious, but when we have become used to a particular way of experiencing something, or a particular dynamic in certain relationships, or a standard reaction in certain circumstances, it becomes what we expect in every subsequent situation of that kind. While I marvel at the human body's strength, tensility and ability to both withstand and recover after injury, I am beginning to understand and appreciate so much more just how fragile to damage the human psyche can be.

Although nature does of course play a significant part, so much of how we develop as individuals comes down to the environment we were brought up in and the way in which our psychological, intellectual and emotional development was nurtured by our parents or guardians, teachers and other influential people - friends, older siblings or other relatives and our culture and society as a whole.

Children who are raised to believe that they have limits to their abilities will often take that opinion with them throughout their lives. Those who had parents who were very critical and not easily pleased may find that they go through their adolescence and adult life constantly (but not always consciously) seeking approval in their relationships and careers. On the other end of the scale, individuals who are regularly showered with unmerited praise are consequently given a delusional misconception of their own qualities and may grow up to be spoilt and rather selfish. That is not to say that any of these learned behaviours or attitudes cannot be unlearned. None of these situations are an excuse for continued unsavoury behaviour in adult life per se, but they can certainly help give an insight into and explanation for a person's way of thinking. Some childhood experiences will obviously take much more effort and heartache to get over than some others. Some experiences do not necessarily stem from childhood, but occur slightly later in life and may be even more difficult to deal with.

There are some dominant figures in my life that have been both a blessing and a curse in my development. This is something I am gradually coming to terms with and am trying to learn from, not to assign blame to any person in particular, but to identify which characteristics and behaviours are detrimental to me and to ensure that I take responsibility for not allowing these things to shape me in a negative way. As with anyone, there are particular personalities that will bring out the worst in me and which I probably also bring the worst out of. This isn't exactly easy to deal with if someone close or significant to you has such a personality. But being aware of this can help one to manage the relationship in such a way that the negative impact is lessened for both parties.

My most recent experiences with general discontentment in life, regrets over unexploited past opportunities and sadness over realisations about my failings have made me understand how important it is that I am aware of what I need in order to stay healthy mentally and emotionally. It can be difficult when you are a deep thinker. Sometimes it's hard to switch that off and learn to not take things so seriously, or mull over particular situations, or analyse things obsessively, or take things to heart. I am a person who laughs as hard as she cries. I tend to throw myself head-long into passions and give away a lot of myself, which leaves me emotionally depleted if it is not reciprocated. While I wouldn't want to change some of these aspects of my character, I am learning that I need to know when and with whom I can reveal the full extent of this, and that in other situations and with certain people it may be healthier for me to hold back.

I am looking for someone with whom I can be the full extent of me and not be afraid, because they will love, protect, nurture and cherish every part of that, with the entirety of themselves. Am I asking for too much? Perhaps. But I think that when you have realised the value of something, you won't accept anything less for it.