Happy :)

Springing Forward (but sometimes Falling Back)

The clocks went forward during the wee hours of Sunday morning. For a change, I barely noticed the loss of an hour, which usually peeves me for a good couple of weeks before and after. I only noticed it when I got home at about 5pm on Sunday and realised the sun was still out in force, when it would normally be sinking below the houses nearby.

Work is dead at the moment. I think I had dealt with all the new requests/enquiries we’d received by about 10.40. I got in at 10.05. :o/

I’ve realised more and more that a busy work environment is probably better for me. I can have a tendency to slack off when I get bored, and slow days of no action just make it worse. Plus, I have quite a keen brain (if I do say so myself), in that it responds well to stimulation. I hardly feel like I’m using it of late and can feel myself becoming stupider as the weeks go by.

In an attempt to make a positive step towards improving my work life, I saw an internal vacancy in the Communications department, applied for it and got an interview. I was really excited by the job description. It was a sideways move, but one that would have been a good one to make to get my foot in the door of that line of work. I am creative in nature and the job had much more scope for using those skills.

I felt a little anxious about the interview (still scarred by a horrible one I had a couple of years ago) but tried to prepare as best I could and felt fairly positive when it came around. It didn’t go too badly, although I didn’t do quite as well overall as I had wanted to, and in hindsight kept thinking of things I could have said/done better, which always seems to happen without fail. I was told the outcome less than a week later: I didn’t get it, but the feedback they gave me was very positive. They said I interviewed well, came across very naturally and gave good examples, but that they had another candidate who met the person specification a little more closely. To be honest, getting good feedback was almost as important to me as getting the job itself. They also told me that they had another vacancy that would be coming up in the next few weeks and told me to keep an eye out for it. It would be at a higher grade, which is a plus. She told me she would drop me an email when the advert was out. That all seemed quite positive and reassuring, so all in all I didn’t feel too disheartened.

I know that there are some things outside of my power, but the things that are making me unhappy but are within my power to change are things that I am trying to work on. It’s just so frustrating that the feelings come and go. I will have days like today, when I feel proactive and want to make changes and feel positive about doing so, and then days when I barely feel like getting out of bed, everything seems insurmountable and I can’t shake off the negativity.

Spring is always my favourite season, or at least the change from Winter into Spring is my favourite seasonal transition. It always feels hopeful, like change and growth is possible, even inevitable. The days get longer and lighter and things don’t seem quite so dim anymore. I just want to harness that energy and that feeling and make use of it. Unfortunately, the change in seasons doesn’t automatically or permanently reflect in my emotions. I do start to feel more hopeful and motivated to make the changes that I need to, but the dark days do still arise and sometimes last long enough to quell my Springtime enthusiasm. But I’m still, as ever, workinonit. I am trying to ignore my inner perfectionist and remember that progress may be slow and steady and just because I don’t change everything I want to immediately, or only make small steps, or have the odd slip back, it doesn’t mean I have completely failed. My good friend KM told me that “You can be strong and vulnerable at the same time.” I am definitely a bit of both, but here’s hoping a bit of sunshine will go a long way in making my strong side stronger.

Random Stuff.

So, it’s the warmest day of the year so far. You wouldn’t know it. It’s overcast and extremely dreary-looking outside. Come on Summer, don’t be shy! Oi, I said don’t be shy, dammit!!!

Things are rather boredom-inducing at the mojo. Work is a bit quiet – meaning the days tend to drag a little – and is generally not especially stimulating or challenging. I would say “at least it pays the bills,” but due to some extremely lean months what with Big Sis being out of work and my usual lack of control when it comes to spending, it has barely done even that. A random enquiry last month led to the discovery that the loan I thought would be paid off this summer, won’t in fact be paid off till next summer. A slight set-back (and an understatement).

It’s my birthday on Saturday and I can’t afford to celebrate! Pants, really. I think Samson is coming over on Saturday at least, we’ll probably just chill and then he said he’d take me out for dinner on Sunday. The weather is at least meant to be hot over the weekend, but if it’s as dreary and sunshine-devoid as today, then I’d rather it was cool, to be honest. I have taken tomorrow off work, mainly to get my hair cut (I’m in desperate need, I am rocking the crazy bush woman look, but for real - it ain’t pretty). Then lucky ol’ me has to go to the hospital for a blood test afterwards (please Lord, help me not to faint while all on my own), before returning home to do a spot of tidying up and putting stuff up for sale on eBay (as I am always saying I will do, but never actually get around to). This time I will do it. I have three boxes of stuff piled up (and that’s not even all of it) and my camera ready to take photos of everything. I want to have listed the complete contents of at least one of the boxes (which may not sound a lot, but most of the items are small things like jewellery) by Friday late afternoon. Big Sis didn’t realise what I was doing and after looking through the bowl full of rings I currently have on top of the boxes yesterday, asked, “Are you going to open a shop?” Actually, she’s not far wrong.

The following weekend is a three-day one, thanks to the bank holiday, so I may try and have a mini belated celebration then. Lolly was thinking of a reload on her 30^th, as when we went out for that she had so much work stress on her mind she didn’t enjoy herself as much as she should have. I quite like the idea of doing something just after my birthday, as there will be less pressure then for everything to go right. I don’t know why, but sometimes having birthday plans can be more stressful than enjoyable.

Samson has been very sweet, asking what I want to do and not giving up, despite me giving him such helpful answers as, “dunno,” and “whatever.” Today, he was making suggestions about where we could go and I suddenly started to feel uncomfortable and upset. A quick self-evaluation gave me the realisation that I don’t like or trust being told about what someone wants to do or is going to do. I’ve heard such pledges way too many times previously, and muggins here, with my some-time unquenchable desire to believe the good in people and my stupidly large supply of second chances, allowed myself to be let down so often that now I don’t feel able to recognise a reliable person, never mind trust anything they say with the same unwavering faith as I used to. Quite why all this makes me uncomfortable with making dinner plans isn’t completely clear to me, but if I fully understood all the reasons behind my issues and how to get over them, I wouldn’t be this f***ed up in the first place.

Speaking of f***ed up, I bumped into The Ex recently. Haha, like that association? Maybe I’ll save that for another post…

Spring

Have I mentioned how much I love Spring? I know it’s going to happen every year, I know what it looks and feels and smells like, but yet every year I love it still more than last year. It makes everything feel new, it evokes a sense of hope and new starts, beginnings, growth, and fresh, blooming, abundant life. It’s such a novelty seeing such sparkling sunshine and cornflower blue skies after such a long and cold winter. After months of trees devoid of leaves, the sudden sprout of growth in all shades of green seems such a stark contrast. I love blossoms, of all kinds and all shades. I love how the brisk Spring breezes rush through the trees and cover the streets with nature’s own confetti. You can’t help but feel a little more positive, a little more alive, a little bit more hopeful. My favourite time of year.

Random Burst of Energy

Bizarrely, I am in a grrrrreat mood today. Yes, I did say that like Tony the Tiger. Anyway, I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it’s payday, that consequently I have been able to buy (and eat, obviously) yummy food of my choice for the first time in about two weeks, that the sun is blazing and the skies are blue, that I woke up early and despite not making it to the gym after all (not because I wasn’t ready or was disorganised, simply because I was starving and feeling a bit weak and didn’t want to pass out, lol) I still got to work at 9am, a whole hour earlier than usual. Or it could be the fact that my hair is bitchin’ today. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s all good, baby.

My perktastic mood couldn’t even be dampened by The Ex calling me at work, during one of the few moments I left my desk, so that my colleague had to answer my phone for me and therefore knew it was a personal call. Anyway, even that didn’t bother me; we had a quick chat and I may even be persuaded to have a catch-up with him. It might sound like a dangerous liaison, lol, but I’m gaining strength mentally, so I should be able to deal with it by now, shouldn’t I? I know that I don’t want to be with him and he knows that (I hope, I have told him enough times), but if not, I will have to make it clear that if he can’t accept that, then he needs to stop any contact with me at all. I don’t mind us being in touch as friends, but I don’t want to worry that I can’t be nice in case he misconstrues it as evidence of my deep-seated love for him, lol. In any case, I do actually like his company, just in small doses and not as a boyfriend anymore. Hmm, we’ll see. I shouldn’t make such decisions when I’m in a good mood. I tend to forget the bad things that have happened and the reasons why we haven’t been in touch. I am rubbish enough at holding grudges as it is.

There was a brief moment of sadness when my colleague Mr. G asked how my friend’s [BFTP] eye is. I had to find a diplomatic and less embarrassing way of explaining that “I don’t know, because he’s locked me off.” I think I got away with it, lol, but it wasn’t without a twinge of sadness at being reminded that I really have no idea how he is, eye-wise or generally, and how that sucks more than a vacuum cleaner on turbo.

I bought lots of goodies (chocolate Hobnobs and Penguin biscuits) on my way to work for our team goodie box as well as a punnet each of nectarines and plums, some cheese and onion crisps, toothpaste and veggie glucosamine tablets (all the essentials, you understand). I had three slices of brown toast and blackcurrant jam for brekkie at work and the carb-rush, along with my inexplicably positive mind-frame, meant my morning was very productive (or at least felt that way). I got loads of stuff done, prepared lots of forms that were submitted last-minute for today’s payment deadline, replied to email enquiries efficiently, spoke to a couple of students at the counter in person and then got into a random silly email conversation with a student about the huge power that comes with dealing with students’ money (muhahahahahahahahaha).

I also sneakily noticed that Boss Lady seemed to have a slightly more noticeable belly than usual, prompting my mind to work overtime wondering if she is expecting or not…I only think this because she has told me (and Miss T) quite honestly that she and her partner are trying for a baby, so it’s not like my suspicions are completely unfounded. I’ll be really happy for her if she is, but it will probably make me even more keen to get out of here, not knowing what on earth would happen to our team if she went on maternity leave!

Lolly emailed me earlier to tell me she had discovered something work-related that upset her, so we had a quick chat on the phone and agreed to talk again at lunch. I have decided to go out into the wild (lol) for lunch, mainly because I need to pick up some bits (namely a couple of cards for people and a lip balm to replace the one that has completely run out). I still miss BFTP a ridiculous amount, but for today at least, I seem to have enough distractions to stop it hurting so much.