Happy :)

Random Stuff.

So, it’s the warmest day of the year so far. You wouldn’t know it. It’s overcast and extremely dreary-looking outside. Come on Summer, don’t be shy! Oi, I said don’t be shy, dammit!!!

Things are rather boredom-inducing at the mojo. Work is a bit quiet – meaning the days tend to drag a little – and is generally not especially stimulating or challenging. I would say “at least it pays the bills,” but due to some extremely lean months what with Big Sis being out of work and my usual lack of control when it comes to spending, it has barely done even that. A random enquiry last month led to the discovery that the loan I thought would be paid off this summer, won’t in fact be paid off till next summer. A slight set-back (and an understatement).

It’s my birthday on Saturday and I can’t afford to celebrate! Pants, really. I think Samson is coming over on Saturday at least, we’ll probably just chill and then he said he’d take me out for dinner on Sunday. The weather is at least meant to be hot over the weekend, but if it’s as dreary and sunshine-devoid as today, then I’d rather it was cool, to be honest. I have taken tomorrow off work, mainly to get my hair cut (I’m in desperate need, I am rocking the crazy bush woman look, but for real - it ain’t pretty). Then lucky ol’ me has to go to the hospital for a blood test afterwards (please Lord, help me not to faint while all on my own), before returning home to do a spot of tidying up and putting stuff up for sale on eBay (as I am always saying I will do, but never actually get around to). This time I will do it. I have three boxes of stuff piled up (and that’s not even all of it) and my camera ready to take photos of everything. I want to have listed the complete contents of at least one of the boxes (which may not sound a lot, but most of the items are small things like jewellery) by Friday late afternoon. Big Sis didn’t realise what I was doing and after looking through the bowl full of rings I currently have on top of the boxes yesterday, asked, “Are you going to open a shop?” Actually, she’s not far wrong.

The following weekend is a three-day one, thanks to the bank holiday, so I may try and have a mini belated celebration then. Lolly was thinking of a reload on her 30^th, as when we went out for that she had so much work stress on her mind she didn’t enjoy herself as much as she should have. I quite like the idea of doing something just after my birthday, as there will be less pressure then for everything to go right. I don’t know why, but sometimes having birthday plans can be more stressful than enjoyable.

Samson has been very sweet, asking what I want to do and not giving up, despite me giving him such helpful answers as, “dunno,” and “whatever.” Today, he was making suggestions about where we could go and I suddenly started to feel uncomfortable and upset. A quick self-evaluation gave me the realisation that I don’t like or trust being told about what someone wants to do or is going to do. I’ve heard such pledges way too many times previously, and muggins here, with my some-time unquenchable desire to believe the good in people and my stupidly large supply of second chances, allowed myself to be let down so often that now I don’t feel able to recognise a reliable person, never mind trust anything they say with the same unwavering faith as I used to. Quite why all this makes me uncomfortable with making dinner plans isn’t completely clear to me, but if I fully understood all the reasons behind my issues and how to get over them, I wouldn’t be this f***ed up in the first place.

Speaking of f***ed up, I bumped into The Ex recently. Haha, like that association? Maybe I’ll save that for another post…

Work and Weather (oh, and medication, but it doesn't begin with a W)

Well, goodbye Summer. I can barely remember you. Thanks for showing your face as a polite gesture, but there really wasn't much point you turning up, you didn't stay very long. In fact, did you even turn up in the first place? Anyway, whatever, me and Autumn get along just fine. Just as soon as I've got over baulking at her initially chilly demeanour.

It is bleak outside. Bleak, I tell you. It could be November. There may as well be a solar eclipse, for all the sunlight that is visible. The entire sky is covered with thick, grey cloud. The whole atmosphere is dark. There is currently a steady stream of rain. Quite often, my mood reflects the weather, but despite getting up feeling decidedly negative this morning, I am actually feeling somewhat positive since getting to work. I am probably feeling better than I did last week, when even though we had a random 27°C day and blazing sunshine, I felt more miserable than ever.

I got a repeat of my medication from the pharmacy yesterday. My previous supply had run out on Sunday and, being a permanent resident of Brassic Park, I didn't even have any money to pay for the next batch. Big Sis lent me a tenner after my sob story of "But I'll go mental if I don't have my medication," (she was going to lend it me anyway, I just said that for effect. I think her response was akin to, "You're still mental with it,") and I was able to buy them. They are different to my other ones, still a generic non-brand, just a different manufacturer. They are orange and green capsules instead of just green. But my main point? They taste disgusting. With my previous kind, I could pop one in my mouth and it could stay there for a few seconds without causing me any grief if I didn't get a drink of water in there immediately. With the new kind, as soon as it hit my tongue, I was gagging in disgust. Yuck. I like my bitter pills sugar-coated.

At work yesterday, I checked through the 87 emails that had accumulated in my inbox while I was away. There was something I knew I was supposed to do before I went on leave, but time had escaped me. I intended to either go in to work on one of my days off, just for an hour or so to get it done, or just try and do it from home, but then motivation escaped me. I knew this was a really bad move on my part, but eventually, too much time had passed to do anything about it. I was feeling anxious at the thought of going back to work, generally because it's not always my most favourite place to be, but also because I was anticipating going back to the repercussions of my rubbishness. When I got there, Boss Lady was sending out pissed vibes like a mofo, and she asked me about it not long after I'd got in. I apologised, sorted it out and got what needed to be done that morning and sent it on to her. That afternoon, she was being nice again. Phew. I hate that feeling of someone being angry with you. I think it reminds me of childhood.

While I was getting on with my task, I'd seen an email from Boss Lady to our team. Her line manager was changing. Instead of the nice, laid-back guy who oversees the section our team was part of, we are no longer going to be part of that section, but are going to be directly line-managed by Ms. BlankFace. Oh…good…gracious. This is the woman who made me feel two feet tall in the interview I had nearly a year ago for the job I was already doing. This is the woman whose reputation precedes her, who my friend in a senior position in another department was told to watch out for, when he had barely started his job. The same woman who he tried to set up a meeting with, just to establish a rapport and talk through things with, but was told, "You don't need to meet with me." This is the woman who has to sign or stamp certain documents for us, but returns them by handing them to us with arm outstretched, without so much as a word, or even a smile. This is the woman who contributes to my sense of cynicism at the 'team-building' exercises and customer service improvements that management keep trying to make, because I can't see how she personally implements any of them herself. How do you expect your staff to work and act like a team, when one of their heads of department doesn't even acknowledge individuals unless she knows them personally? How do you expect your staff to feel equally valued when said head of department so obviously has favourites? I suddenly realise that this must have contributed to Boss Lady's sense of irritation and stress. She now has to report directly to Ms. BlankFace. Eek. I really like the people I directly work with, but I keep feeling like I need to get out of here.