Flashes of Light

It's hard, trying to function in the dark. If you are in very familiar surroundings, perhaps the darkness doesn't impede you as much as it would do otherwise. You know where things are, you know what to expect, you can find your way around more or less, albeit a little slower or more carefully than you would do normally. However, when you are plunged into darkness in surroundings that are completely unknown, or situations for which you have no precedent to base your action on, functioning effectively is much more difficult. It is virtually impossible to even work out where you are, or what to anticipate, both of which you need to do before you can make any sort of progress or even plan to get yourself out of there. Often, in situations where you don't know what to do, it can serve you well to just be still and take some time to assess things while gathering your resolve together, before making any decisions or taking any rash or potentially unwise course of action. But at times, even standing still can be difficult. Without any real sense of what is around you, and what the potential threats or aids could be, standing still requires both patience and faith that sooner or later, things will become clearer.

When you seem to be surrounded by darkness and are consumed with the confusion of not being able to see exactly what you are facing, what your surroundings are, which direction you are headed in, or even why you have been plunged into darkness in the first place, it is easy to get discouraged. Often, our first request is for God to take us out of the situation completely, or failing that, to put all the lights back on and reveal exactly what His purpose or plan is. However, God doesn't always do this, if at all. Sometimes, we are not ready to know exactly what His plan or purpose is. Sometimes, we won't quite understand. Sometimes, it is best for us that we don't know in advance. Sometimes, it is just not the right time. But although God doesn't necessarily reveal all the details to us in one go, at times He will simply allow us a flash of lightning, which illuminates our surroundings just enough, so that our immediate situation makes sense to us. We catch a glimpse of what is around us and where we are, not necessarily in great detail, or even for a significant amount of time. But we see just enough to enable us to deal with that present moment and remember that God is in control.

Breathe and Reboot

Lamentations 3:22-23 [NIV]

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.

I am so glad that God's mercy and love towards us is renewed at the start of each new day. Sometimes, things seem so insurmountably difficult and all around appears to be bleak, but a new day can bring new hope, new strength and a fresh batch of renewed energy. As King David said, "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." [Psalms 30:5, NKJV]

During the past couple of days, everything has felt fraught and I have been experiencing waves of anxiety. On the outside, I tried to maintain the appearance of the graceful swan, but just below the water's surface, I was paddling furiously to keep afloat. The end of the day came, and I realised I felt completely exhausted. After my difficulty getting to sleep the previous night and all the various emotions I had experienced in those 24 hours, I realised I was feeling rather drained. I also had the pre-menstrual munchies like a mofo and had eaten way too much sugar in too short a space of time. I couldn't wait to get home, but still made a stop before catching my train to pick up some fries from BK to satisfy the craving I was experiencing. My phone battery was very low and I kept checking my phone at intervals, waiting for some news from BFTP, and wondering if the lack of it was an indication that the news was too bad for him to relay. On the bus, he called me. He sounded much cheerier than earlier, but the news was neither good nor bad. The condition of his eye hadn't really changed since Saturday. He has to continue with all the medicated eye drops and go back in a week. "No news is good news," I offered, truthfully feeling that even though it wasn't over, this was better than what we had feared, but hoping the cliché didn't sound hollow. He sounded relatively positive although I couldn't really tell exactly what he was feeling. We agreed to talk when I got home. I felt relieved that we had a week of respite. Of sorts.

When I was on the train, Lolly sent me a lovely text to check that I was OK and see if there was any news. She apologised for being stressed because of her last week in her current job and promised she would be more fun next week. I was amused by her perception of things, when she had been nothing but good company over the weekend, and was continuing to be encouraging and supportive, despite her own situation. I was thankful for her thoughtfulness. I got home and resolved to eat half the Galia melon we had in the fridge by way of dinner, as my excess of sugar and junk food was starting to take its toll. Big Sis wasn't home yet, so I had a quick chat with Bro-in-Law before retreating to my room. Feeling a little cold and just plain shattered, I changed out of my work clothes and into pyjamas and got into bed. I called Dad and he told me that Mum and Big Sis had just left. We had a brief chat and then I ate some melon while half-watching an old episode of Monk.

A little later they arrived back. Big Sis went to get herself some food and Mum came to my room to tell me the latest. She got into bed with me and talked about what had been discussed with our friend. He was very supportive towards us and mentioned a few other recent instances that showed we were not alone in our experience. Mum seemed much less stressed about everything. Big Sis came upstairs to join the conversation and we talked things over. I proof-read the letter she had written in response and agreed that it was respectful and well-written and that I was happy for it to be sent on my behalf as well as from her. Everyone's spirits seemed to have been lifted. The anger, hurt and upset had dissipated and was replaced by new determination, fresh resolve and encouragement, but all tinged by slight sadness at the situation.

Mum asked if there was any news about BFTP and I told her that things were the same, but that for now that was a good thing. We continued to talk until Mum decided to head home just after 9.30pm, not before nicking a couple a roses from the garden on her way out. :o) Things felt calm again and I was relieved. BFTP and I had a chat before I went to bed. He was on a mission to get a prescription for more of his eye medication, which hadn't been provided by the hospital. He was having to go all over town to get the necessary authorisation and then find a pharmacy that was open after 11.00pm. We spoke and it felt good to just chat again. There are still so many things to discuss and there are on-going challenges to face, but I think we just needed to enjoy the brief sense of relief that things were OK for the moment. We laughed about something and he commented that it felt like ages since we had just cracked up and had a giggle about things. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? Today we breathe, reboot and hope our systems don't crash again any time too soon.

That's Why He Chose Us

During an email conversation last week, my BFTP wrote me the following:

"Often when we are at our weakest God is able to work his strength more effectively through us. I guess God isn’t in the business of using overly educated, arrogant self-dependant people. He would much rather use broken, wrecked, shattered and exhausted people which is why he has evidently chosen to use us. LOL."

I laughed out loud the same way he did, but I knew there was so much truth in what he had said. Being weak is not a bad thing when it means we can allow God to work His strength through us.

Contrary to the belief of some, God doesn't need us little humans to do His work. Our involvement is not necessary to show how amazing He is; in fact sometimes our very involvement is what has given God a bad name in the first place. However, God wants to involve us in His plan of salvation. His strength is shown even more clearly when we are weak. His wisdom is explained in all its profundity when our foolishness is exposed. His love is expressed all the more fully when we realise just how pale in comparison our own human attempts at love really are.

I have had a problem with faith and trust this past year. The irony is that I didn't have a problem with actually having either of those things; my problem was with what I put them into. I had faith in situations that things would work out, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I had faith in people that they would keep to their word and that I could rely on them, when all my previous experience and all their previous behaviour told me otherwise. I trusted in myself to make the best decisions for me and had faith that as long as I prayed now and then, things would be OK. How wrong I was.

I am slowly becoming more and more painfully aware of my weaknesses and just how little I can rely on my own weak human nature to make things right in my life. I think I already knew that, but I believed that I was intelligent and emotionally intuitive enough to do things on my own and to make wise decisions. While I think those things are still true to an extent, I am now aware that I can only do such things with God's direction, with His guidance, wisdom and strength. I have messed things up too many times by just trying to manage everything on my own, in my arrogance and rebelliousness.

So I am trying my absolute best to just stop being so stubborn with struggling on my own and just let go of things. I am going to try and give all my problems and decisions to God as much as possible every day and start relying on Him the way He wishes I would. God knows me better than I know myself, so who better to guide me through life than He? Thank God He uses broken, wrecked, shattered and exhausted people, otherwise He really would have no use for me.