Cause For Concern

My self-pity has turned to concern. I am more than a little worried about BFTP. I am worried about how he is doing and whether things have improved at home. I am also concerned about whether there have been any improvements with his eye. I know he had an appointment to attend on Friday and he had been hoping he would finally get the all-clear. Before his first repeat appointment, we had spoken about how we would both deal with things if the news was really bad. He admitted that he might find it very hard to deal with and might not really want to talk about it for a while. He promised that if the outcome was worst-case, then he would try his best to at least let me know, but that he might just retreat and need to be alone for a while. Today, it struck me that I don't know what happened at his most recent appointment. I really, really hope that his reluctance to be in contact has not been increased by any bad news in that department. I am praying that things are OK for him. I can't imagine how he would deal with something like that, seemingly on his own, in addition to everything else he has already been going through.

I'm not claiming to be the only person he can, could or would turn to. I know he has his people. But my concern is that from what he told me, he was not only withdrawing from me, but from everyone else, including his family. I just wish he would let me be there for him. Even just with talking to The Mrs. today, I know that sharing how I felt with someone made me feel better. I really hope that he is enabling himself to open up to someone who cares for him, even if that person apparently won't be me. The thought of him struggling with things and not having anyone to turn to is really upsetting me, more so than any loneliness I feel. I've got over feeling sorry for myself for the moment and am instead just feeling for him. I only wish he would let me in. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, I just hope he is doing all right. I am paranoid about anything I could have said to upset him last week, before we lost contact, that might come to his mind. I hope that any thoughts he has of me and of us are positive ones and that he still knows how much I genuinely care for and miss him. I can only hope he is holding on to those thoughts, because there is no other way at the moment that I can remind him of them.

Strong and Not So

I called BFTP at lunchtime. We had exchanged a few texts after talking on my way to work and I decided to call for a quick chat to get him psyched up for his eye appointment, which was at 4.00pm. I call him and we talk. I haven't really told him what has been going on with me, or how I have been feeling. I remember the sense of barely coping with your own emotions, never mind taking on anyone else's, so I don't want to add to what he is already burdened with. But when he asks what has been happening, I somehow end up virtually talking at him for 30 minutes, explaining the back story and how things have seemingly grown from molehill to mountain in the space of a day. His battery cuts out (probably because of my epic tale) and he calls me back a few minutes later. He is understanding and doesn't try to give me solutions, which I don't expect him to. I tell him that I don't want him to spend any of his energy on trying to help me, but that I just wanted him to know why I am finding things so hard at the moment. He is glad I have told him.

We talk about his imminent eye appointment. He has been told that if he loses his sight, he will also lose his eye. They will have to remove it. He is very worried about that and the impact it will have on him emotionally, as well as the potential impact it could have on us and our relationship, which in some ways hasn't even really begun. I don't know how either of us will feel if the worst happens, but it's one of those things that I feel I won't really know for sure until I am there. All I know is that I would much rather go through all this with him, than have us deal with our respective problems individually. I feel like what we have and potentially could have is very positive and it feels like there are forces against us trying very hard to stop that from happening. It makes me believe that we need each other more than ever. Things may be completely different for us in a week, a month or a year, but all I know is how I feel at this precise moment. I try to reassure him and wish I could be there to face all of this with him in person.

We have been speaking for an hour and I have to get back to work. I ask that he will at least keep me informed. He warns me that if the news is bad, he may find it very difficult to talk about it and even to tell me what is going on. He promises that he will try his hardest to do what is best for us both and that he won't shut me out. I tell him that even if he just texts me to tell me that he needs time on his own before he can talk about it, then that's at least better than nothing. I am feeling as positive as I can do and am having faith that things will be OK. He needs someone to be strong for him for a change.

When we get off the phone, my sense of calm seems to dissipate slightly. I am thinking about him and feeling troubled and anxious about how things will go. I pray silently, but even then I can't focus enough to really articulate what I want to say in my head. I ask God to make sense of what is in my heart. I talk to my workmates and am cheered up by Miss T covertly offering me half of her iced currant bun. She offers it via email, to avoid making our other workmates jealous, since she only has one. I ask why she can't eat it all, when I know she has been saving it since this morning. She went swimming at lunchtime and doesn't want to undo all her hard work. I smile. Well, if I am helping out a friend. She discreetly brings half the bun over to my desk and we email back and forth a few "Mmm, that was good" and "Yum!" messages.

It distracts me, but only temporarily. I check my emails and texts and find out that Big Sis is at the rents' so she can be with Mum when they meet with our church friend about the letter. She has left for work but came home because she wasn't feeling well. I think this is really troubling her and I am worried about that. I am hoping that they are all OK and that the meeting will be productive and reassuring. I cannot wait to get home. The only trouble is, the problems will still be around when I get there.

Waiting and Watching

Last night, my BFTP and I had a quick chat before bed. In keeping with the week's unofficial theme, I had felt unnaturally sleepy by about 8.30pm and had fallen asleep watching CSI (predictable, moi?). I woke up later and we had a quick catch-up. He tells me he has an eye infection in his left eye. It is streaming and is red and is extremely painful when light shines into it. He has been to the pharmacist, who gave him some eye wash, but advised that he really should see the doctor first thing in the morning. He asks if I think he should go now. It is after 11.30pm but not quite midnight. I'm not sure what to say, but don't advise against waiting if he is in a lot of pain. It's hard to tell how serious it might be over the phone. We say our goodnights and I go to sleep.

My alarm goes off at 6.30am. I hit 'snooze' even though I purposely set it early because I need to be up early. I get a text a minute later. He has been at A&E all night. There is a high chance that he could go blind in that eye. They have given him medicated eye-drops to use every hour for the next 24. He has to go to the emergency eye clinic first thing on Saturday. I am in shock. It sounds like he is too, although the text finishes with "I am trusting in God." What else can we really do? I pray. I know that there is nothing else I can do that would be better in this situation. I am worried for him, but I trust that God knows best. I finish praying and then I call him.

He says that he went to A&E straight after we spoke. He usually texts me after we get off the phone and he explains that he couldn't because even the light from his phone was too excruciating to look at. At the hospital, they have to get an eye specialist in on call. They tell him that if he had left it any longer, he could have been blind in that eye within 48 hours. He said it was a little hard being there on his own. I feel helpless and sad that I couldn't be there with him. Distance royally sucks in these situations. We talk about things and I try to be calm and reassuring. I just want to be there to hold his hand. He has to drop his car round to his friend's. How he is managing to drive, I have no idea. I tell him to call me when he's done.

I send him a text 30 minutes later. When I don't hear from him, I give him a call before I get to work. He can't text because he is resting his eyes. They hurt too much. He hasn't slept all night, but has to put the eye-drops in every hour. He has set an hourly alarm and can therefore only nap in between. I can't even imagine the frustration he must feel, but he sounds extremely calm about everything. I tell him that I will call him at lunchtime, when he is due to put some drops in. I wish there was more I could do. It is probably a good thing he has moved back to live with his Mum for a while. At least there will be someone there to keep an eye on him while he gets better. I am praying that the drops do what they are supposed to and halt the infection in its tracks. I am praying that there won't be any permanent damage, or additional impairment to his already short-sighted vision. I am praying that he will remain calm and won't panic about things. I am praying that I won't worry unduly or add to the situation negatively in any way.

There is a reason for everything. I'm not sure what the reason for this is yet, but in the meantime all we can do is wait.