Mind Games

It has been no more than a week since I sent The Ex the text asking that he no longer contact me. I know that in normal terms, that is a short space of time. In my world, specifically the part of it that involved him and particularly after the nature of my most recent message, that is a fair while. It’s weird, because this is what I wanted. I am not complaining, I am just not completely ready to believe that it is over for good. When enough time has passed, I feel a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted. I know deep down that him not being involved in my life is a much healthier situation for me. But until such time has passed, I sense this horrible ominous feeling hanging over me. I still have the subconscious worry that one morning soon when I leave for work, or one evening when I am arriving home, I will see the familiar car parked near my house and will be forced to confront the situation yet again, like I have done so many times before. If I get an external call at work, especially in the afternoon, I panic for a split second before answering, wondering if he is going to try his luck because he knows I have no way of knowing it is him. Generally, I feel much less anxious and much happier that I have one less upsetting thing to deal with. But I still feel the slight sense of guilt that always takes me some time to shake off.

Last night, Bigger Sis thanked me for sending her my new number.

“I got a BlackBerry,” I told her by way of explanation (partly because I know she has one for work), “and it was loads cheaper to get a new number.”

“Yes, but it also helps get rid of your ex-stalker,” she said knowingly, without a trace of humour.

Hearing someone say that, without joking, took me by surprise and for a second, I almost had the feeling that I should defend him. I often make excuses for people, or justifications for their actions, even if it's just speculative, or playing devil's advocate. I don't know why.

It’s partly my fault that he acts like that, because I have taken his calls and have seen him. It’s partly my fault, because I was emotionally vulnerable and unstable and I made some silly decisions. It’s partly my fault, because I’m obviously not a strong enough person to deal with the situation properly. It’s my fault if he calls me one hundred times in one evening, because I should have just answered the phone. It’s my fault if he then turns up at my house and shouts up at my window, because I should just speak to him rather than refusing to. It’s my fault he calls me at work because I should have just given him my new number.

It’s a classic way of messing with someone’s mind – subtly turning every situation around, so that the blame is always deflected onto them. My head knows that the situation isn’t and wasn’t right. But my heart always gets taken advantage of, so that my good nature is manipulated. I take the blame, I feel guilty, I give more chances, I compromise. I let so many things slide in the past, sacrificed things for the sake of relationships, then realised that all that did was reinforce the other person’s negative behaviour by letting them know it was okay to treat me that way. I put other people first in relationships so much, that even after the relationship ended, I still felt obliged to give in to what they demanded. Now that I am trying to put my own sanity and mental/emotional well-being first, I’ve realised just how much I must have neglected doing this in the past, simply because of how hard I find it.

I think I need to revisit the post I wrote about familiarity. I have occasional light-bulb moments, but then the clarity of thought gets clouded by the fog of emotions and negativity and bad experiences. At least I have a record of the realisation I came to, even if it was only a temporary one. Reading back on it all helps to remind me of the things I don’t want to forget. I am glad I started this stream of consciousness, my equivalent of Dumbledore’s Pensieve, for that reason alone.