Big Sis was pissed last night. Not in the British, 'drunken' sense, but in the American, 'rather irritated' sense. I found out this morning that it was partly due to her frustration that Bro-in-Law and I don't do enough to help around the house. I can only speak for myself, but in doing so, I have to admit that her statement is true. I've known for a while that I need to buck up, not just on shared chores, but on my own, too.
Last night, I intended to do some washing up, laundry and so on. But after my first gym date in almost a year, I felt tired and as soon as I sat down, it was over. I was feeling conscious that I should really do something, but I hate that feeling of not being able to enjoy a rest when I feel I need it. I didn't give into the guilt, but perhaps I should have. I spoke to The Mrs for a bit, watched some TV and generally laid on my bed feeling like my limbs were way too heavy.
My room is still a tip, but last weekend I had moved out no less than four bin bags of clothes and one of shoes out of my room to go to charity. I had been planning to sell some of it, but if you've read any of blog in the past year, you'll know that I talk much about my eBay intentions, but in reality, most of my actual activity involves buying, rather than selling. I reached breaking point and decided to just get rid of it all. No point holding onto stuff with the idea of selling in some day, when it is taking up valuable space in the here and now. I'm downsizing and it's about time.
The bags had been temporarily placed on the landing on Saturday evening. Big Sis had mentioned that she could ask Bro-in-Law's dad to take them to the charity shop for me, but she was going to look through them first in case there were any clothes she wanted to keep. When I got home and went upstairs, it took few moments to realise they had gone.
"Where are the bags???" I called downstairs.
Bro-in-Law informed me that his dad had already taken them away.
"Yeahhh!" I shouted, skipping downstairs to give him a double high five. "High five!" I said to Big Sis, who looked less than enthusiastic.
"No, I'm not going to high five," she replied, "I hadn't even looked through it yet."
Oops. "Oh no," I said, "Well. No high five. Sorry about that."
Feeling awkward, I went back upstairs to relax a bit, as mentioned earlier. I kept thinking that I should do some washing up as planned, or at least a bit of tidying in my room, but I just couldn't summon the energy or the motivation. Sometime after 11.00pm, there was some sort of commotion and it seemed like someone was kicking off. I came out of my room to investigate and Bro-in-Law explained Big Sis was upset. I went downstairs after her and she told me she was "Fed up and I don't want to talk about it. Just go away!" She was really angry and I didn't really know what to do, so I just did as I was told and went away. I felt horrible. I hate that atmosphere of anger and upset and suddenly I realised why. I was reminded of times growing up, where if Mum was angry about something then the whole house had to know about it. I was reminded of times when The Ex would get serious road rage or we would have an argument and I was in the car with him, trapped in the horrible atmosphere. I was reminded of times when we had arguments and he would shout at me so that I just retreated into my shell and said nothing. I remembered times where he would shout angrily, "Why don't you just argue back??!" because my silence frustrated him, but he didn't realise that his anger stifled me. I remembered the times where I would shout back and would be so fuming with anger that I would be in tears and would walk out of his house, slamming the door behind me and walking home while he tried to call me to tell me to come back.
I remembered all of these things and the memories upset me. I didn't want to be involved, so I turned off my light and tried to go to sleep. I started crying and suddenly had an urge to call someone, but realised I didn't really have anyone to call. It was late, The Mrs has her own stuff going on at the moment, Lolly has been taking on a lot of my gripes lately and to be honest, I felt silly calling anyone to say I was upset about something so random and unimportant. Times like this always highlight that I don't have a boyfriend, the person you can call at any time because you know they will comfort you, no matter what the problem is or how trivial it may seem. I am going to have to learn to deal with things like this on my own.
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