Getting To The Point

Forgive the melancholy. It's one of those days and the tiredness is getting to me.

The manic panic begins.

Once this afternoon is over, I only have five days left to tie up all the loose ends in my current job. I say ‘loose ends,’ but I think that might be an understatement. I have so much to do. I am also getting stressed because this Sunday, I have to give my 15-minute sermon as part of my lay-preaching course. Not especially lengthy, you may think. Yes, that’s true, but considering the fact that I haven’t even started it, other than had thoughts on what the basic premise of my message is going to be about, I have quite a lot to be getting on with. Not to mention the fact that I also have two written assignments to complete, that need to be handed in on the same day. I say ‘complete,’ but that also includes me actually starting them, once I have finished the reading I was meant to have done gradually over the past 5 months. *sigh* I don’t think going back to studying would be for me. I am rubbish at being disciplined with this sort of thing and always leave things till the last minute. I don’t think I could cope with the stress of dealing with my own shoddy organisational skills.

I have taken the day off work tomorrow, in order to get the assignments and so forth done. Quite how I am going to manage it all in just one day, I’m not sure yet. Additionally, Mum, Big Sis and I have agreed to lead the music in the service at church on Sabbath, so Mum will no doubt be fussing at me about song choices on Friday evening and then panicking over us not having practiced on Friday night, as Big Sis isn’t coming to hers. We are meant to be having a Maranatha meeting at a friend’s house for Sabbath lunch, so there will probably be a Bible study afterwards, meaning another packed day. Then my course is all day on Sunday, so I’m not going to have a whole lot of time after that in which to do all the errands and laundry and housework I need to get done. Next week is going to consist of long hours and busy days, as I try to get everything outstanding out of the way, in time for the 23rd. Lolly is staying over next weekend, which will probably be just what I need, although I’m hoping I don’t just collapse, come the evening of the 20th. I just need someone to stop time temporarily, so that I can have two days of straight sleep and can wake up refreshed and feeling more able to actually tackle my huge to-do list.

I am tired and lacking in sleep, but it's my own fault. I felt incredibly emotional last night and started to feel like I wasn’t coping again. It has been just about a year since I actually realised I was suffering from depression and I feel discouraged by the fact that I have made very little progress in that area. Occasionally, I wonder what the point of breaking up with NY Guy even was. I knew that there were elements of the relationship that were making me unhappy, but I’m not necessarily any happier now. In relationships, you might have some difficult times, but you at least have the fun times to balance it out. My current state feels almost like a bad relationship without any of the good parts, except this relationship is with myself and not one I can just leave. I know I had good reasons for walking away from that and I know that I am just feeling low and looking back on a not-so-good situation with blurry vision. But the hope was that all the changes I had made and all the decisions I had come to, were going to actually make a difference to my life, and a positive one at that. I’m struggling to find the positivity at the moment. Although I know deep down that I am making slow progress, the meaning and purpose of this past year is lost on me.