The More I Wonder, The More I Wander...

On Friday evening, when I was on the way to the rents’ house and thinking about going to church the next day, my mind wandered and I started thinking about BFTP. Specifically, I was remembering when he was in London and how he came to church and spent the day with my family and how much of a lovely day it was. I remembering telling him the week after about the small group meeting we had in lieu of a formal church service and how much he would have enjoyed it. I remember the exciting prospect that he might potentially move to London at some point, in which case this could be a more regular occurrence, not to mention us being able to spend more fun days together chilling out, like we did on the Sunday. I’ve been trying not to think about any of this, because it’s painful and it makes me sad. I have enough of those emotions to deal with without thinking about that too, particularly because I still don’t know exactly what happened, or understand why we now are no longer in contact.

I’ve wondered how he is in general, whether life has got any easier for him since we spoke, whether his sisters are OK and if he’s sorted out the disagreement he had with one of them and his mum. I’ve wondered whether his eye fully recovered and whether his vision is back to normal, or whether it is still going on, or whether the worst happened. I honestly do hope he is well and happy. But I have no way of knowing. A couple of weeks ago, my Mum asked me how he was and I didn’t know what to say. She had said such nice things about him after he spent the day with us, that I couldn’t even bear to say “I don’t know Mum, he’s decided to stop contacting me,” because I didn’t want her to think badly of him (!). I don’t know why I think that keeping the stupid things people do to me a secret from my family or friends will mean people think less badly of me. I think it's because I can’t help thinking that all these hurtful experiences I have been and am going through must be some sort of reflection on me. Deep down, I don’t think that I did anything so bad as to warrant being cut off, or ignored, but who knows? Maybe I’m completely ignorant of my own terrible flaws, or am just delusional. Either way, I don’t have the fight left in me to pursue the answer. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to convince anyone to keep me in their life. If I have to do that, they obviously don’t need me there and furthermore, I probably don’t need them either.

I just sometimes wonder about where things went wrong and what could have happened if they hadn’t strayed off course. I guess there is no point wondering. What ifs, Maybes and If Onlys keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from moving forward. I need to move forward. The past isn’t really where I want to be.