Lock-Off

The Ex has called me at work several times this week. It’s partly because I haven’t given him my new number, but partly because he is simply unable to leave me alone. I’ve told him I can’t talk at work, but he still calls. Probably because he knows I can’t be blatantly rude to him at work, partly because I don’t have caller ID so can’t ignore his calls and also because it being work, I am obliged to answer.

He called yesterday and I told him it wasn’t convenient for me to talk. So he called me again at 5.30 and said “Are there still loads of people around you?” Er…for one, yes, my boss is still here and you’ve just interrupted us discussing some work issues with a colleague. Secondly, if I’m still at work, it probably means I am working. “Can I see you tonight?” he asked and I felt awkward. I told him I couldn’t talk and would call him when I had left work. “Right, that’s a no then, isn’t it?” he said, sounding irritated. “Yes,” I answered, hating the fact that everything revolves around what he wants and he manipulates me and plays on the fact I dislike confrontation in order to guilt-trip me so that he can get his own way. I said I would talk to him later, then left not long after, calling The Mrs and then Lolly for some moral support. I was starting feel really weighed down and weary.

When I got home, Big Sis had made a yummy dinner of veggie sausages and mash, with carrots, broccoli and mushroom & onion gravy. I tried to eat it, but my appetite had gone. I can’t eat properly when I’m stressed. I went upstairs to chill out, changed into my pyjamas and spoke to The Mrs for a bit. Then I sent a text to The Ex from my old number, telling him I didn’t want him to contact me anymore. I said a few other things, but that was the gist of it. There was no reply. I had prepared myself for him calling to argue his case, but I had already decided that I would not answer, but would just text him back and say that I didn’t want to discuss it any further. I am still anticipating him turning up at my house at some point, as he always does, but I will have to deal with that if and when it even happens. He doesn’t have my new number and my work number is changing in a couple of weeks. All I need now is to finally move out with Lolly and then he doesn’t have any way of contacting me. I feel harsh saying things like this, but that has always been the problem. If I ever expressed unhappiness about something, he always changed things around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable. I am still learning to get out of this way of thinking and that is part of the reason that having him in my life at the moment, in any way at all, is just not healthy for me.

The Mrs couldn’t talk when I first called her, as she was working an evening shift. She texted to ask if I was OK and I replied explaining the situation. Her response started with: “We have been here several times this year babe…” She’s right. This has been an intermittent problem since the beginning of this year. It has just hit me that ten months have now passed. The thought of that depresses me, partly because of the wasted time, partly because it makes me feel like I am a weak person for not being able to deal with this more matter-of-factly, and partly because I had thought I was making progress. I can’t go another year being held to ransom by someone else’s feelings, especially not his. He has already dominated one decade of my life and I can’t let him taint even a few months of another.