The Weakest Link

BFTP admitted to me that he still loves his ex. He doesn't understand when people say they love someone but are not in love with them. He doesn't see what the difference is. I do. As a result, I'm not exactly sure how to take this revelation. He doesn't want to be with her, but knowing that he still has feelings for her isn't really what I wanted to hear. It upsets me and I react rather strongly to the admission, feeling extremely hurt, confused and defensive. I suppose that it's better to know the truth than to carry on with a different impression, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. What is frustrating is that I don't even know whether any of my reactions are justified or 'allowed.' We haven't defined what we are to each other, we are not officially together and now who knows whether we are even heading in that direction. I thought that I could deal with us making our own rules, but I've realised that in some cases, I like definition. I like boundaries. I like knowing where I stand. I hate the idea that there is a get-out clause of "But we're not together," or "But you're not my girlfriend." I am frustrated that no matter what situation I seem to find myself in, the timing never seems to be quite right. I am bored of being patient. I am fed up of holding back. I should be an expert in delayed gratification by now.

I am starting to wonder if I really will end up alone. It seems like it might be easier. I'll buy a big house and live with the Mrs and Lolly and we'll keep each other company and talk about how things might have been if we'd been able to find men who could have made us happy.

Back in the real world, I am feeling rather stupid that I let my emotions get the better of me and allowed myself to get caught up in the notion that we could be something. Maybe we still could be, but I doubt that will happen any time soon. I know I shouldn't be so impatient. I know that people just need time in order to get over previous experiences and past relationships. I know that it has taken me some time to get over The Ex and maybe it won't ever go away completely. But that doesn't mean that I still love him or want to be with him, or even that I can't experience something new because those things have affected me. It has got me thinking and now I'm questioning everything I was certain about. Maybe I've been deluding myself into believing that I am over NY Guy? Maybe I've told myself that I'm over all of that because I want to be and because I wanted so badly to believe it that I made it happen. I do still care about him, but that's normal, isn't it? If I didn't at all, then that would speak volumes about the strength (or lack thereof) of my affection for him when we were together. But that doesn't mean that I want to be with him or even think of that as a possibility.

The Ex wasn't sure he wanted to be with me until recently, three years after breaking up with me. NY Guy always said he was sure, but that certainty never translated into enough action for me to believe him. BFTP's actions show affection, but his words don't always. I'm not sure which situation is easiest to deal with and which person's feelings are easiest to believe. I suppose that I should be happy that BFTP doesn't just tell me what he thinks I want to hear, whether he actually means it or not. I should be glad that he isn't luring me into a false sense of security, encouraging me to let down my defences, only to pull everything out from under me with the bombshell that he didn't really feel that way after all. I know that all of this is probably preferable to being given a false impression, but it doesn't make me feel any better. What I don't understand is why I can't just meet someone that I can see myself being with, who wants to be with me, is sure of that fact and makes that fact evident in both their words and their actions. I really don't know what more I need to do in relationships to win someone's heart enough for them to love me in the way that I need. I'm probably being selfish, unrealistic and impatient and maybe I need to take a long hard look at myself and assess why it is that I haven't found this. I'm feeling that my lack of achievements or contentment must surely be down to some glaring inadequacy in my own actions or attitudes. When it seems that patterns are continuing to repeat themselves in my life, the only common denominator I can see that links each situation is me. Maybe part of the problem is that in trying to identify the culprit for the things that aren't going as planned in my life, I've completely missed the fact that despite the other people who have played a part in how things have turned out, I am the person playing the largest role in all these situations. After pointing the finger for so long at other people, there comes a time when you finally see the three fingers pointing right back at you.

I am really looking forward to having some time off. Perhaps I should rephrase that. I really need some time off. I think I need to spend some time reflecting, getting my head together, sorting out my living space and generally trying to stay away from other people as much as possible. I don't think I should be trying to deal with others, when I hardly seem capable of coping with myself.