The Other Side

So, after my emotional epiphany of two days ago and what had seemed like a reasonable suggestion and a successful conversation subsequent to it, I have reverted somewhat back to black. After several attempts to contact BFTP without success or reply, I was quickly entering into panic mode that I had messed everything up by doing the 'right' thing. I had called a couple of times and sent a few text messages and got no response. I knew something was wrong. Even if he didn't want to talk and just needed some space, he would usually at least text me to tell me that. I tried not to get upset about it, or to think the worst in the way I usually would, but being ignored or purposely shut out is one of the things I dislike the most. My mind was working overtime and it took a lot of energy and effort to try and stem the feeling of anxiety that was gradually increasing as time went by without any answer.

When Thursday came and I had still heard nothing, I was starting to feel pretty low. The Mrs had called me the day before and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at 1.00pm the next day. I confessed to being penniless, but she promised to treat me to a high-class meal of Maccy D's. Beggars can't be choosers. :o) I haven't seen her in what feels like way too long and I was also going to meet her new beau for the first time, so was really looking forward to it. However, my feeling of hanging in limbo with BFTP was very hard to shake off, despite my exciting lunch plans. They had plans in the morning and we ended up rescheduling till 2.00pm so that her Mr. could still come too. I spent the morning taking my time getting ready, had a nice soak in a hot bath and washed my hair, which came out looking nicer and less poodle-like than it has done since my Mum curled it up for me at the weekend. My skin is still looking shocking and so I probably over-did it with the cosmetics coverage, but I at least felt presentable once I'd finished.

I listened to lots of music and tried to push the feeling of dread to the back of my mind as I got dressed. I was still wondering about BFTP and was starting to get a little worried that something had happened to him. I debated back and forth whether I should try one last time and then decided to give it a final try. I sent a text asking him to just let me know he was OK. I understood if he needed some space, but I'd just appreciate him telling me so, then at least I'd know things were all right. I wasn't really expecting an immediate reply, but was desperately hoping for one. I checked the train times online and planned which one I would need to get to make it in good time. The Mrs. had told me her phone battery was nearly dead, so I wouldn't be able to call her if I was running late. "When have I ever been late?!" I asked incredulously, and we laughed as she said she would wait 20 minutes for me and no more. I was thankful for her generosity; I wasn't expecting more than 10 minutes' grace. Realising that I was under more pressure than usual to be there on time and determined not to live up to my tardy reputation, especially in front of her Mr., I realised I had dawdled a little too long getting ready. My mind was way too preoccupied with BFTP and I realised I was going to be late if I wasn't careful.

Suddenly, my phone alerted me to a message. A reply! BFTP informed me that his past 24 hours had been really hectic; aside from whatever had happened between us, there had been some sort of falling out between him, his mum and his sister. He had decided withdraw from everyone and deal with things on his own. I was grateful for the reply, but this new information just raised several more questions in my mind. I checked the time and realised I really was going to be late if I didn't get a move on. I got to the train station and made it in time for my train. BFTP and I had a text conversation throughout my train journey. I explained that I was still here for him and that while I understand the need to be alone, sometimes we really do need the moral support of others to help us get through things. I didn't want him to shut me out for my benefit if he actually needed me more than ever. I didn't like the thought of him dealing with everything by himself. He thought he was burdening me but I didn't want him to make that decision on my behalf. As we neared the final station, I realised that in my preoccupation with BFTP and my determination to be on time, I had forgotten we had decided to meet at 2.00pm. I was going to get there a little before 1.00pm. I had to laugh at my idiocy. Well, at least I was early for a change. I texted The Mrs. and said, "I'm running an hour late. Sorry. So kidding! Am going to be there in about 10 minutes. This goes on my record!"

My unprecedented earliness meant than I had 90 minutes to kill. I let BFTP know this in case he changed his mind and wanted to talk. Despite my best offers and efforts, he still declined. I tried to be understanding and assured him that the offer was always there when he was ready. I know how it feels to want to just withdraw from human company and get your head together, but I also know just how lonely that can feel and how it can also run the risk of worsening how you feel if you withdraw for too long. I was worried about him, frustrated that he was shutting me out and that I couldn't do anything to help, confused by the fact that he had given no indication of how long this hiatus might last, a little hurt that he didn't want to talk to me and a little sad because I missed him. I reassured him that he should do what he felt he needed and that I would still be here when he needed me. He thanked me for everything and hoped that God would continue to lead us to where we both needed to be. But it didn't stop me from feeling a horrible sense of emptiness, or from sensing flashbacks of times past. I had thought that I had done the right thing by hitting the brakes a little, and thought that we both understood what that meant. But as usual, there is always the other side of the story and the ripple effect that comes once your pebble of action has fallen into the pool of consequence.

I tried to shrug off the feeling and reassure myself that things would be cool, that this weird chasm that had opened up between us over the short space of 24 hours was just a temporary barrier, that would close back up once enough time had passed. But I just felt miserable. I didn't understand quite what had happened, or why once again, things seemed to have completely deteriorated within just one week.