My creative energy seems to be experiencing an increase of exponential proportions. I’m feeling motivated to make the necessary improvements in my personal life, am finding that I have lots of thoughts spilling out of my brain that I seem able to easily translate into writing and I am actually doing some of the things that I’ve been talking about, rather than just stopping at the talking part as usual.
However, this burst of vitality in my personal life seems to have arrived at the detriment to my work life. I have loads of work to be getting on with, but I am finding it really difficult to just get on and do it. I don’t know why I can’t stretch my motivation or discipline to more than one aspect of life. If I concentrate on one, the other seems to suffer. I don’t seem to possess the ability to strike that delicate work-life balance. Frustratingly, however, I seem more than capable of being crap at several things at once, as evidenced by career, relationships and mental health all being pretty much sub-par at the same time. It’s almost as if as soon as I have made a minor improvement in my frame of mind, negativity sets in and just laughs at me.
I don’t know why people find it so much easier to believe the negative things that other people tell them (or often that they tell themselves), than to accept the positive comments. It seems to be the default setting for many of us, that negative statements are more readily accepted into our psyches than anything positive or affirmative. I know that I shouldn’t give into discouragement, that I shouldn’t allow doubt and fear to creep in and crowd out my optimism. But it’s just so easy to do. I know I’ve mentioned over and over about what a positive influence BFTP had started to be in my life, how uplifting his presence was, how encouraging he would be and how good he was at being understanding and supportive (I realise how ironic all this sounds now, given the current situation). It was lovely and I appreciated it, but since he went AWOL, all of those good things disappeared with him. But why do I have to rely on someone else to give me that? Why am I seemingly incapable of managing to do that for myself? The ironic thing about this is that I am an optimist deep down. I don’t have a problem with being positive about things, especially when it comes to other people. I can pep-talk someone into oblivion, I can help them to see the positives in their own situations, I can help them put things into perspective, calm them down and cheer them up. I have even been known to inspire people on occasion (I’m not delusional, they told me so! I know, incredible, given my predisposition towards melancholia). Why am I able to see the amazing characteristics in other people, but never appreciate my own?
On the flip side, some people do appreciate their own good traits (and even their bad ones) a little more than they ought to. Arrogance, especially when completely unwarranted, is something I find very unattractive. Confidence, however, is not. But there is a very fine line between the two and a subtle difference that is not always easy to either define or identify. I am attracted to the quiet confidence a person possesses when they are happy, or at least content, with who they are. I do like seeing a sense of vulnerability, insecurity or uncertainty, mostly because I find it endearing and reassuring. But I like when someone isn’t trying to be a certain way to impress, but instead is themselves and impresses me unintentionally, just by being who they are. I like that humility that someone has when they are aware of their weaknesses and insecurities, but doesn’t let these consume them. I love when someone has an obvious but subtle sense of self-worth, not because of what they do, how they look, what they earn, what they wear, what they drive, who their significant other is or looks like. But that assurance that they have in knowing they are valuable, simply because they are a member of God’s creation and a beautiful one at that, regardless of how the world, western society or the general media would view them. This kind of assurance doesn’t lend itself to arrogance, because it is not based on any advantage the person has over anyone else. It’s harder to indulge a superiority complex when your sense of worth comes from something that every single other human being possesses without bias, preference or partiality and over which none of you have any control.
I’m learning that I need to work on my own self-worth, that I am allowed and even need to expect more of myself and my life, that I shouldn’t just accept being treated a certain way, that I shouldn’t put everyone and everything before myself in terms of importance or worthiness. I know I don’t do this all the time and I’m not saying that I view myself as a worthless individual or one who has nothing of value to offer. But I think that perhaps I have unintentionally and even unknowingly been associating any value I place on myself with the things I do, the achievements I make, the way that I look, how I feel, the attention/compliments I receive, the relationships I am a part of, my financial capabilities, my living environment and so on. Instead of using all of these components as a sort of barometer of value, I am starting to learn that I should realise the worth that is inherent in me, simply because I am a child of God. We all should. I know that this depends entirely on what your religious and scientific beliefs are, but when you believe that you were specifically created, by a loving, divine Creator, it will change the way you think about life and how precious our existence is.
If you believe this, then you know that you are valued so deeply that God would send His beloved Son to die in order to grant you the right to live with Him eternally in the future; that He only wants the best for you and has outlined His guidance on the best way to live through His words and instructions in His Holy book; that He has plans for you that exceed any happiness you could imagine, if you would only allow Him to guide you and make those things possible; that He will never force you to accept what He knows is best, but wants you to have a personal relationship with Him that is based on the love, faith and complete trust that will motivate you to follow His ways because you have learnt from your own experience that His plans for you will always be for a positive purpose and never to harm you.
If everyone recognised their worth in this context, on these merits, knowing that it isn’t birth, wealth, status, race, gender, family or personal success that determines your worth, but that every single person is of equal value, regardless of their background, simply because they are of equal value to the God who created them, then we might start treating each other and ourselves with more respect. The beautiful thing about knowing this, is that regardless of where life takes you, no matter what may happen, what achievements you make or disasters you encounter, no matter what other people think or how they see you, no matter how bad things get or how low you feel, your value to God never decreases. Don’t ever forget it. If you ever feel like you are a disappointment, a disaster, a bundle of mistakes and bad memories, or that you just aren’t good enough, just remember that in these moments, God cherishes you even more.
I don’t know how on earth I got onto this train of thought, but I like where it has taken me. I am hoping that I can make this a permanent part of my mindset, that I won’t let discouragement eat away at my faith, that I will remember that I am valuable, regardless of how worthless I may feel. It’s not always easy and it certainly doesn’t come naturally at the moment, but this is the great thing about God’s Word. He allowed His people to put all these promises and reassurances in writing, to help keep them in our remembrance, so that every single generation to come would not forget their own worth either:
Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 139:13-14 :
13 For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.1 Corinthians 6:19-20:
19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Jeremiah 31:3:
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”
(All Scripture references taken from the New International Version. All emphasis in bold/italics supplied by me.)
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