Good Intentions

I went to sleep at 3.30am. I got caught up between writing, watching Dave Chappelle's Killin' Them Softly and novel-based film The Joy Luck Club, which I seem to randomly catch on telly late at night at least once every five years. I had horrible dreams, in which NY Guy sent me half-naked photos of all his ex-girlfriends and everyone he'd ever slept with, which included random women with more than one pair of breasts (no, I don't get it either). I woke before 8.30am and decided that rather than sleep the morning away, I would get up. I got washed, dressed and made myself some toast and tea. I was feeling surprisingly awake and rather motivated, and planned to do some little chores in my room, some laundry and then fill out the job applications that I had intended to, most of which close to applications tomorrow.

A few hours later, I haven't started any of my planned activities, but have instead been deep in thought while anxiously picking at the skin on my face (a compulsion that I can't seem to get rid of and which I seem to do more of when feeling low, which makes me feel even more low once I see the state of my face afterwards) and done little else. The Mrs. had sent me a text asking if I wanted to chat (an invitation which she later joked sounded like one of those sex text services, lol), so I gave her a call and we had a nice long catch-up. By this time, the morning had just about disappeared and I was no further down my original to-do list.

Just now, I started to feel cold, so got back in bed. Lame excuse, I know. I am sat in bed with my laptop and have a browser window open, with twelve job applications open in separate tabs, but instead of being productive and actually starting an application, I write a blog about how unproductive I have been. I think this is my problem. Instead of actually taking action, instead of making actual changes, instead of just doing, I just write about taking action, about making changes, and complain that I am not doing all of the things I should be, instead of just doing them. I always have good intentions, but we all know that even the proverbial road to hell is paved with those. I am frustrated at my lack of motivation, my lack of discipline, my lack of achievement and lack of enthusiasm. I know that I am still not completely well and that therefore perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know that I need to get better and make small, gradual improvements to my life generally - my lifestyle, my diet, my attitude, my outlook, my spirituality, my sleeping patterns, and so on. But I am finding it hard to do so. Yesterday, I felt more positive and refreshed and was looking positively towards the week ahead. Today, I just have a complete lack of inspiration. I miss BFTP. :o(

I need to get my act together. Perhaps this blog-writing distraction wasn't a waste of time after all. I seem to have talked myself into actually doing something.