Turn the Lights Off When You Leave

This week, I seem to be in the habit of reaching to switch the lights off whenever I leave a room. I seem to do it without even thinking, regardless of whether there is another person still in that room. I keep catching myself reaching for the switch and smile. I'm not sure why I'm in this habit. I don't tend to leave lights on unnecessarily and am somewhat conscious about saving energy, but this week it seems to be an especially robotic reaction.

I am desperately missing BFTP at the moment and it got me thinking about him. Whether he intended to or not, when he decided to halt contact in order to deal with his problems on his own, he turned the light out on me when he left. It might sound a little dramatic, and I wish that I was exaggerating, but right now, it's exactly how it feels. Since we've not been in contact I have felt utterly miserable. I am finding it hard to see hope, light or anything good at the end of this tunnel. I have felt lost. I have felt incredibly lonely. I have started feeling desperately low again. I have been on the verge of tears much more often than I should be. I can't even explain this feeling. I honestly feel like a part of me has deteriorated and disappeared.

I texted him last night, against my better judgement, but perhaps out of sheer desperation. I am curious to know whether his withdrawal is genuinely helping him to feel better and enabling him to deal with his problems more effectively. I hope for his sake that it is, but hope for my sake that it is not. If he is finding it easier being out of contact with me, then I'm not sure how I'll feel. It will hurt a little, but most of all it will make me wonder what my problem is. If he's getting by fine, then what the hell has happened to me? I should be able to get on with my life and function normally, shouldn't I? It has barely been a week and I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown. I don't know if it's the absence of BFTP specifically, the absence of a man I am close to, or the pain of rejection I feel at being held at bay by someone I care about and the negative flashbacks it gives me to similar situations with NY Guy. I think it's a combination of all of those feelings, but mostly, I just miss BFTP because he's an amazing person. He became such a positive influence in my life and one that challenged, motivated, encouraged and strengthened me.

All I had suggested was that we slow things down a little so that they weren't so intense, knowing that we both still have huge vulnerabilities and each have a tendency to wear our hearts on our sleeves and let our feelings run away with us. I was trying to protect the both of us, but I never intended that our contact should just stop overnight. To have such a stark difference in contact enforced on me so quickly is really hard to accept. We were having daily contact, even if it was just doing our morning devotional together or exchanging a text or two throughout the day, but it was literally enabling me to face each day and get through it feeling relatively positive. Right now, it's almost a struggle just being awake, just existing through each day. I feel utterly miserable and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I've been set back about 6 months. Right now, I am just sitting here in the dark, wondering how on earth I'm going to turn the lights back on.