Positives and Negatives

I am currently a bit of a snot monster. My eyes ache. My throat is sore. My tummy is weird. My hair hurts. But I'm actually still in a relatively good mood. I've spoken quite animatedly this evening, which probably hasn't helped the throat problem, but I had a good chit-chat with the 'rents.

I am really looking forward to Sabbath tomorrow. We are meeting with our small group again at the community hall across the road from the rents' house and are probably going to have lunch here afterwards. I'm looking forward to the worship within a small-group setting and seeing the new friends we have made, including my three little chums who are a constant source of amusement for me. My favourite comment they gave me at our last meeting? "That was your dress last time. Did you wash it?" Don't you just love kids? Lol! I am hoping that I feel a bit better and that my snot-tasticness doesn't dampen my spirits (or anything else for that matter).

I called The Mrs. on the way home to wish her a happy birthday in 'person' and then sipped a yummy hot chocolate the rest of the journey. I was steadily feeling more and more tired and couldn't wait to get home. Things are actually OK right now on the whole, but now and then, when I have a moment without a distraction, a moment where my mind is not otherwise occupied, a moment to think, I think of BFTP. I didn't realise quite how hard I would find this. What is most difficult is not having any idea of where I stand, of what he is thinking and feeling or even just how life is for him at the moment. I don't really know what to do, because I don't know how he views this break in contact. If it is a permanent break that he has no intention of returning from, then I really need to know that, so I can come to terms with it and try to get over it and move on, however hard, painful and disappointing that may be. I hate being left in a state of the unknown, in limbo, in uncharted territory without a map.

I am fighting against the natural reaction of confusion, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment and retaliation by trying to be understanding and patient, but there is the fear at the back of my mind that in doing this, if we get back in contact, I will be taken for granted, the way I have been by other people in the past. I've done the whole, "I understand, I know where you're coming from, you hurt me but I can appreciate the reasons for you doing this," thing before and it got me nowhere, other than stranded in Mug Town on the outskirts of Resentmentville. What gets to me most is when people make promises or pledges from their own initiative, without any coercion, pressure or sense of obligation from me, but then still don't follow through on their own word. BFTP promised he wouldn't disappear on me again, the way he had done back in the day, even though I hadn't made that any sort of prerequisite for us being in contact again. He took it upon himself to make that promise unprompted, but he has seemingly chosen to break the very word he chose to give. I didn't ask him to promise me that, but he did, so I put my trust in that promise. I should know better than to do this by now.

I suppose that this time, at least, he informed me that he needed time to himself, rather than just disappearing off the radar without any explanation at all. But that makes it no easier. I'm not any the wiser just because he told me that. It's not any easier to deal with, it doesn't make it feel any less like a rejection and it doesn't give me any greater hope that we'll get back in touch any time soon. I know I shouldn't have let my mind wander over this subject again. It doesn't seem to matter how many positive things happen, as soon as I remember the fact that BFTP has chosen to essentially cut me out of his life, temporarily or otherwise, it seems to cancel out any of the good things. Anything exciting or pleasant that happens is made slightly less exciting or pleasant by the knowledge that I can't share any of it with BFTP. I wonder if my BFTP has just gone back to being where he'd been for the past ten years - the past.