Broken Record

I am feeling militant today. I think it’s because men are rubbish. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, lol. OK, it's not solely down to the male species and I do have to attribute some of my dragonista status to my hormones, but today, I'm feeling irritable and harsh. *sigh*

I decided, perhaps against my better judgement, to send BFTP a message. I don’t understand what has happened and why him needing a bit of time and space to think has resulted in him locking me off completely for virtually a whole month. It’s hurtful to say the least, not to mention confusing and irritatingly predictable. I have realised that I shouldn’t feel bad about increasing my expectations at times. I deserve an explanation at the very least, I think I earned the right to that, didn’t I? I’m angry with myself for just expecting to be treated a certain way, that I think it’s all right to be ignored and not deemed important enough to warrant an explanation or a polite message. I do try to live as much as possible by the golden rule of ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated,’ although it isn’t always easy, but in this specific situation, I honestly don’t believe that my behaviour has justified a complete lack of contact.

What is most upsetting is that I truly thought this time would be different. I really believed that we had an understanding that was a level above the rest, but what on earth went wrong? I keep wondering what I might have done that could have made him change his mind or think differently of me, or decide that he didn’t want us to be in touch after all. All I really need is to know what the situation is. Being left in the dark frustrates me more than anything. It is so difficult to just pretend that things are OK and to try and get over a situation that you don’t even understand in the first place. I feel like I’ve gone through the break-up of a relationship that didn’t even officially get off the ground.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this, that I should be able to just brush the dirt off my feet and carry on, that what other people think or whether they want to be involved in my life or not shouldn’t have such an effect on how I feel about myself. But I’m not and it does. It’s probably a good thing I have no money to spend, because I would probably feel the need to go comfort shopping otherwise. I need to get a grip. I think the sugar overload is getting to me.