Deep in Sleep, Drowsy and Devoid of Enthusiasm

I was starving when I left work yesterday. I stayed late again to try and catch up on my hours and my workload, but was starting to feel grumptastic by the time I left. Late in the day, I had got into an email conversation with a male work colleague I often banter with. I had a weird feeling he was coming on to me, even though I know he has a girlfriend who I think he even lives with. After several cryptic, vague and euphemistic emails back and forth, referring to things he ‘had heard,’ about us having ‘something in common’ and mentioning it was ‘confidential’ so he ‘probably shouldn’t elaborate in cyber space,’ I wasn’t really sure what else he could be trying to say. I even got a second opinion from Lolly, just in case I was totally misreading it. She replied with an objective “He sooo wants to love you!!!”, which had me trying my hardest to stifle giggles from my boss, until it hit me that he has probably applied for the same internal position that I have and was trying to tell me in a subtle way. Oops. I was a little relieved and laughed at myself for getting the wrong idea, but I still don’t actually know for sure. He’s conveniently gone on holiday for a week now, so I’ll have to stay none the wiser.

On the train home, I was sat diagonally opposite from a girl with a really stush face, one that would have probably benefitted from a custard pie or two (lol). I could tell I was getting tired and irritable, because her facial expression annoyed me all the way until she got off the train. I caught sight of her and nearly choked on the sandwich leftover from lunch that I was eating. I was coughing for quite a while and lamenting the fact I didn’t have my usual bottle of water in my bag to help calm my throat down. Serves me right for thinking horrible thoughts about someone I don’t even know. I know death is rarely dignified, but death by cheese sandwich is not really how I want to go out.

When I arrived home, I was exhausted and low and just wanted to lie down. The girl’s attitude was still inexplicably bugging me, so I reasoned that this sort of mood should really not be inflicted on anyone else. I said a brief hello to Big Sis and Bro-in-Law and then retreated upstairs. I got ready for bed, watched some TV and then surfed the net for a little while. My mood was perked up slightly by bidding on a necklace on eBay that I have had my eye on for some time (even though I very rarely wear necklaces) and a scarf that is exactly the same as the one I lost a few weeks ago. Yay! It is payday tomorrow and it can’t come a day too soon. I looked over at the pile of clothes I had planned to sort out, but knew it would have to wait. I wasn’t in a motivational frame of mind and I didn’t have the energy.

At about 9.00pm, I was already feeling like I should go to sleep. I was feeling tired and miserable and knew that a catch-up on some much-missed shut-eye was probably in order. By 9.30pm, I made the questionable decision to take some Night Nurse to try and help me sleep deeply and undisturbed through the night, without my recent waking up or random dreams. The lights were off and I was settling down to sleep by just after 10.00pm. Did it work? Yes, in the sense that I don’t really remember waking up, until I finally did at ten to nine. No, in the sense that I seemed to have even more dreams than usual, which came back to me in tiny snippets all the way to work.

Snippets such as: me being really rude and petulant to my Mum. Lolly laughing worriedly that she would be a bad parent because she babysat a friend’s child and then temporarily lost them. Me out shopping and calling someone ‘Dad’, only to realise it wasn’t my Dad and was in fact the director of the centre I used to work at (who looks nothing like my Dad, has a moustache and is considerably younger). Someone I can’t remember needing to buy a wedding ring in a hurry and me showing them the set of three plain narrow silver rings I have in real life and explaining that they can buy all three of them for £6 in Accessorize. Me talking to a huge group of women that I had some acquaintance with, even though most of them were inexplicably dressed in some kind of military uniform, then them encouraging me to do something like chase after this guy that I was trying to impress/win back and me being successful, after which they all stood and saluted at me for my mission accomplished, as we drove past. Me having a conversation with BFTP, in which he told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to talk to me for at least another three weeks. There were lots more little snippets, but (perhaps thankfully) I have forgotten them now.

My drowsiness-induced inability to get up on time meant I was running extremely late. I didn’t get ready as quickly as I would have liked, but had to make some toast and take some leftover pasta for lunch to try and avoid the headache, irritability and feeling of fatigue my lack of food gave me yesterday. I got a few emails at work this morning about social events coming up (lunch with my uni girls on Sunday, drinks/dinner planned with old work friends for the end of October, etc.) but even those didn’t make me feel excited or give me the inclination to immediately reply. I seem to be losing interest in things again. I don’t really want to be here. I need a holiday. And a new job. And more money. And about a week of sleep. And maybe some cheesecake. Mmm…cheesecake….